Want to know what success looks like when you've pretty much lost hope and then turn things around? Here is a letter that came in to me this week that describes it so well that I thought I would share it. Of particular interest, I think, is the connection between the two partners as they progress - they create an upward spiral of positively reinforcing behavior that really helps them succeed.
What’s it like when both partners have ADHD in a relationship? Is it different from when only one has ADHD? Are there other resources we need to know about? Are there different challenges? These are questions I get regularly and would like to answer here.
Want to read some love letters? I like to be even handed, so I asked the ADHD spouses in my last couples course to tell me what they love about their non-ADHD spouse. Here is what some said:
One of the things I love about my own spouse is his empathy, generosity and warmth. Is this related to his ADHD? I’m not sure, though I do observe that if they don’t have specific anger issues, many of ADHD spouses I work with have very generous spirits. Sometimes they act on that generosity in a way that warms others…sometimes they don’t…which makes them pretty much like the non-ADHD around us. Regardless, generosity of spirit, if you spouse possesses it, is something to celebrate. Here is “what I love about my ADHD spouse” part 2:
Control issues create one of the most common Catch-22s of ADHD-impacted marriages. So how do you stop trying to control your partner, get his or her buy-in, and get out of this lose/lose situation?
I was giving a talk last night outside Boston and, once again, was asked “How do I get my spouse to stop denying that ADHD is a factor in our marriage?” Here are some specific suggestions for anyone who is struggling with this.
Recently, a poster in the forum asked the very good question - if you are all so miserable in your marriages, why do you stay? I'll give you my own answer - George and I stayed together because even though we were really miserable, we couldn't believe we couldn't do better. The intractability of the issues we were dealing with didn't make sense. We had chosen each other as partners for good reason...then things fell apart...but couldn't we make them better again?
