Salutations,
This is my first time writing anything on this site. I actually just came across it the other day when I was attempting to find better communication strategies for myself. I am the one with ADHD in my marriage. I have known that I had ADHD since before I met my husband. I did not know I had ADHD till I was 20 years old.My mother has ADHD my father I suspect does as well. I grew up in a family where everyone talked over each other. We would have frequent fights and were quick to forgive. My mother always said when I was gone the house was calm but when I came home, it was a whirlwind. She accepted me for my shortcomings because she is my mom.
Fast forward to today I have two children both with LD. I have been married 11 years to a man who used to be full of fun and life. He slowly started "growing up" while I have not changed all that much. A few years ago he began shutting down. I did not know why. I just kept feeling horrible when he would be talking to me then suddenly stop just because I became side tracked. I was listening and did repeat what he said. He would not talk even of I begged him to keep talking. He was upset because I was interrupting. We would e driving down the road and I would become side tracked by something. I did not know at the time that was the problem because he wouldn't tell me what I did. Fast forward to 2 days ago. The past two years he has been quiet and not talking to. He is Saying that I am not empathetic. I do not value what he is saying. I invalidate what he is feeling. It has gotten so bad that if I respond to anything he says " well I guess I will have to put this into the pile of things I can not talk to you about.
I have been on and off medication two times. I am on it now. I know it is helping because I am not as impulsive. I also have some time to process what I am feeling. If I'm not on meds it goes happy frustrated angry in less then 10 seconds. This is another reason my husband does not like to talk to me. I understand this. Why would you want to put your head in he gators mouth and you know it's gonna bite, you learn not to put your head into he gators mouth again. I have been going to a therapist and so has he. I feel so bad because he is so sad. He wants to feel close to me but he says now, he's just numb. He is planning on moving out because he's making everyone sad. He says he should have been handling things the whole time rather then swallowing all the sadness and disappointment I inadvertently gave him. I did not know I was affecting him this way. I wish I knew way back.
He often told me that talking to me was as if he were talking to a wall. I sometimes did not have anything to say because he is so well versed in the subject material he was talking to me. He said that he had to teach me instead of talk to me. All I want is my husband back. I am doing everything I can. Despite my impulsiveness, I am organized and my house and kids are clean. The bills are paid on time. I am going to college to get an lpn. Because of my indecisiveness over the years, he has a right to feel like I will not finish this project. I will this time if it kills me. I have to be independent. I can not rely on him. If he can not help to let me see what is the most important or give me a cue that he's done talking, how can I stay with him. He has every right to be frustrated. I know that I M equally as frustrated.
We both are hurt. He is because he thinks that I am not listening, uncaring, and unsympathetic. I am hurt because I feel like I have been caring( doing everything I can for him and giving everything I have to him. I feel like I listen to him (I always know what he's talking about even when interrupting). I have a hard time Empathizing ( I do, understand the problem but have minimal emotion behind it. I think it's a coping mechanism from when I was a child. I am working with a therapist on this, however I fear it is too late.
The good news is he is willing and wanting to try therapy after he gets his head straight again. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world despite the issues we have encountered. He is kind to me. I am looking forward to when we will Dance in the elevator again.
