and ask the horse.....

We had an incident happen the other day that really broke things open ( again ). This time, I was totally winging it and probably did a whole bunch of things wrong. The end result however,  was creating an open conversation and dialogue about multiple topic including: sex ( or lack of ), belittling and crticizing, control issues, backseat driving, and creating a couple of hand signals and cue words all at one time.

There was heated discussion, crying, "I want to be left alone", and talking ( instead of fighting ) while I was angry.....in the midst of a whole lot of defenses happening ( on both sides ) ...and basically coming out better than we started. Words for me like "you're too intense sometimes" ( my energy ) and few things I needed to hear were also really valuable to me in order to do things about it on my end.

I was able to introduce the 4 attachment styles when she said : "maybe we aren't compatible " . I couldn't stand it any longer...I had to show her how we aren't instead of her fumbling around for a reason when I actually know why. Again, that was me just winging it in the moment out of frustration.  I won't go into all the details only to say...I had copied , 4 statements to choose from ...each describing the 4 main attachment styles. I showed her mine, and told her to pick the or two that best described her.

She picked the "fearful avoidant" one...and possibly "dismissive avoidant" . I actually now very much believe, the fearful avoidant style fits her best. I very sure of that now...more than the dismissive. And me....being the anxious preoccupied of course with my avoidant tendencies.

This is only to say, this tells me where we have things in common and places I can relate to, and the places we don't line up and I need to be respectful of her boundaries. 

And this entire episode  started with something I realize is a boundary for me. That involved another form of disrespect which involves belittling and criticizing. It's what I confronted her on in the first place. Not the "thing " that started it but the belittling itself.  She's wasn't happy about it ( the crying ) but after I left her alone for a while and came back... and we started talking about it which opened up the conversation and it went from there.

The thing is, she may not have been happy at first with me calling her out on it,  but neither was I about the belittling. Something had to give.