Well.. I've been with this guy for 16 years, married for 15 (our anniversary was last week-- he forgot, just like he forgot my last birthday).
He is a very sweet, generous, open person but he drives me nuts. I am tired of having to manage everything and it feels like he is an obstacle I have to climb over just to proceed with life. He's kept a good job for many years, which is great but its hard to see how he functions at work considering how he is at home.
He has mentioned before, " I probably have a touch of ADD". Now that I have recently read more about it, I think it's a whole truckload - not a "touch"- of ADD.
Tell me if you agree with that statement, please-- here are some examples of his behavior:
1) Communication examples--
-He has difficulty giving direct answers. I ask him something, and he tells me what he thinks I want to know, rather than actually answering the question I actually asked. This happens even with simple things-- even yes and no questions. And he keeps doing this even when I say "please just give me a straight answer. Its like he can't.
-He doesn't listen unless I get right in his face and say "I need to tell you something". Even then he doesn't remember half the time.
Lack of communication means, for one thing, that it is very difficult to make any mutual decision on anything because he never wants to discuss it "now". Its always "Later". So I end up making a lot of unilateral plans and decisions, then he ends up feeling left out. This also means that I manage all the bills and finances and make the spending decisions-- because he just won't.
2) Organization examples-
I've decluttered my own stuff down to the bone just to make room for his.
He piles boxes of papers to be organized everywhere. When I get sick of looking at them I put them in his "office" and close the door so he can look at them. His office looks like a scene from "Hoarders".
He thinks "cleaning up" means taking things off counters and floors and putting them in a neat arrangement on shelves. This results in things randomly placed in the most bizarre places and then being lost. (Why is the tax form stuck in between the cookbooks???) I asked him once if he knew how to organize-- because I actually like to do it and am happy to help-- and he said, in a proud tone, "Yes. It means putting things into categories." It was the sort of answer given in the sort of tone a child might use when asked a vocabulary question.
I try and try to make places for him to put things but he will not use them. I have boxes and bins all over the house with labels on them. Him "Where's the tape?" Me: "Try the drawer labeled "tape". (After he's used the tape it will likely end up in a box somewhere on the living room floor.)
The problem here for me is I can't find what I need among the mess, so I waste time looking for things and money replacing things I can't find.
3) Prioritization/Multitasking examples
He cannot handle more than one focus at a time, at all, and he procrastinates like a champ. His reason for why so many things remain undone for so long is that "Oh, but YOU KNOW we had this, and this, and that to deal with and there's been no time!!" And none of the examples he uses as "Giant Projects" should be all-consuming for months at a time. But to him they are. Some things get delayed for years. Like the boat that's been rotting (literally) in our yard for 11 years because he can't decide whether to fix it, have it fixed by a pro, or sell it. I don't care what he does-- just do SOMETHING (or allow me to do it for him) so there is no rotting boat in our yard.
We are planning an overseas trip this winter. Will he get his passport renewed in time? I filled out the form for him but he has to go down and present it himself. I will believe it when I see it. Maybe it will just be me and the kid going. *Shrug* and *sigh*. We do a lot of Mom and son things together because dad can't get it together. He won't give me an answer when I try to plan things to do, then he looks like a sad puppy when we end up going alone.
Some of these things he procrastinates on, I could deal with if he'd let me, but he won't. So often I have to give deadlines and ultimatums. I do not like being the bad guy.
4) Drinking
He drinks about 15 beers every Saturday, out in the yard, with multiple radios placed all over the yard and in the utility room of the house blaring NPR (yes, ironically it is NPR talk radio and not heavy metal) from 10 to midnight. When he drinks, he is even more off on his own planet-- the result being that the normally difficult communication becomes totally impossible. He does not drink during the week. He considers drinking to be pointless unless he can get good and drunk. ( I should also mention he NEVER drinks and drives, on the good side.)
5) Talking-- a lot. Got to be saying something, all the time. He can be very funny and interesting but a lot of what he says is pointless filler, randomness, and lame jokes- anything to prevent silence. It wears me out.
OK, well that was long. Is this serious ADD, or what?? I am SO hoping he will go see a Dr. and hopefully get meds and counseling. I think he will think it is a good idea, but the obstacle will be his procrastination. He is too big for me to drag in bodily (ha ha) so somehow I will probably have to give him some kind of nasty ultimatum. Which I don't like doing.
Thank you for lending me your ear, or eyes, in this case.
