Hey everyone. I'm so glad I found this forum, because I've been trying so hard to find the support I'm not getting from my partner. 
I've been with my wife (they/them) for about 6 years. Married just a little over a year ago. I am a 30 year old woman diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. 
We've always had turmoil in our relationship, but being diagnosed gave me great insight to why I do what I do... or don't do. 
I own that I haven't been a consistent partner. A lot of times I say I'll do something and forget to follow through. I've had the hardest time communicating with them. I am very sensitive to the tone they speak or their body language. I feel like I have to mask or hide things I want to say for fear it will be challenged, or I'll say something I wasn't supposed to say and that cause my wife to get triggered. They try to explain how I make them feel or hold me accountable, but do it so passionately. They are also VERY good with words and expressing how they feel so eloquently that it's intimidating and triggering to me at the same time. Because of that, I constantly feel the need to defend myself, even when I'm wrong. I feel like i can take accountability when I'm spoken to with patience and grace, but my wife says they have no patience left to give. They are fed up with me being inconsistent, impulsively defending myself or saying things I can't take back, and not being a safe space for all these years. Even with my late diagnosis, a very trying multi-faceted career and me being the sole household income (they have chronic pain/illness so it's hard for them to find work), I can't help but feel so alone and misunderstood. I don't have family in my life to lean on for support or guidance, so I'm left alone trying to be consistent for my wife, myself and my career. I REALLY need patience and understanding as I break annoying or toxic patterns, but I'm scared I'm too late. I feel this heavy weight on my heart because I wish they could be the patient, understanding partner I need. I thought my diagnosis would help give them some patience, but it's been the opposite. I don't know what else to do but continue to try and follow through. It just feels at this point I follow through one or two times, it goes unnoticed. But the next time I don't quite get it right, that gets magnified. It's exhausting and it makes me not want to try. I don't know what I can do to win back their love. We haven't touched in over a year, we don't even kiss. I'm forced to sleep on the couch. I'm feeling so desperate and alone, and im sure they feel the same. I hate this feeling of power that they unintentionally hang over me. I'm constantly feeling like a child that's getting reprimanded everytime they speak to me. It makes it so hard to even want to be consistent. I don't know what else I can do at this point. Any advice is helpful. 
Thank you.