Hello Everyone, I'm a new member.  My husband and I have been married almost 27 yrs.  We have 10 children.  I'm a homemaker, he a small business owner.  We think he has adhd and are trying to find someone who specializes in adult add for diagnosis and treatment.  Our marriage has become disconnected, we're frustrated, (more me than him), and we've had a few fights that spiral into intense anger, then deep sadness for me.  I've had my own depression issues, worthlessness, unlovable, ever since I can remember.  My relationship with my parents is very superficial, even today, with occasional criticisms of me.  As a child I remember I was pretty intense and this bothered my mother.  I've had different counselors over the years to help with these issues.  My husband, on the other hand is easy-going, confident, usually fun, always has had a good opinion of himself, or good self esteem.  He can also be sarcastic, defensive, and passive/aggressive.  My husband has always wanted to "fix" me, because it seemed I was the only one who needed fixing.  A few months ago he found a new counselor for me as my latest one died suddenly.  It seemed to be going well.  He gave me a book that not only helped me, but actually helped my husband more.  It's about not fighting within the family and having a group-minded mentality.  My depression really lifted so much once he started to treat me in a much more kindly way.  (I've always been taught that our happiness is of our own making, but really, much of my sadness was due to his treatment of me, just mean and cold, got worse in 2000 with the start of his first business venture, mostly due to the stress of it).  Anyway, our 8 yr old daughter was recently diagnosed inattentive/distracted add (no hyper).  Doing research for her led me here.  Then reading things here led me to purchase the ADHD marriage book by Dr. Orlov.  I really think it's quite possible that my depression has been exacerbated by my husband's undiagnosed ADD (he's not hyper, as far as I can tell, but we still need an official diagnosis).  The counseling I've been getting over the last few months is based in cognitive behavioral therapy.  Basically, I need to watch out for my own mental health and avoid the things, discussions, arguments that lead to a fight and then to bad feelings and sadness.  But, that approach is leaving me feeling more disconnected from my husband.  We're married, I shouldn't be avoiding him like someone on facebook that I disagree with.  Now Dr. Orlov's book takes a slightly different approach.  She says that the symptoms of add effect us both, and until they are dealt with, things are not going to improve, they'll at best remain status quo, at worst lead to a separation.  I believe our Faith has helped us tremendously.  As a matter of fact, my husband has a spiritual director he sees once a month.  He's actually, now that I know certain things, been acting as an ADHD life coach.  He helps my husband see when he has treated me or the kids poorly and tells him how to correct his behavior, he has given him limits on certain things that, before reading the adhd marriage book, we didn't know were related to having adhd.  I'm just afraid that my husband will not be able to see that most likely, our poor marriage and my deep sadness over it (and his frustration) are a result of the untreated adhd.  He's a lot like the some of the men described that don't want to admit to it, or think it's a scam.  He has said that he thinks 50% of the population could be "diagnosed" with add, "you just need to get more sleep, eat better, exercise and organize better".   He has a pretty stereotypical outlook on adhd.  Anyway, he is a very good man, who sincerely tries to do his best.  I have very high hopes for a very happy marriage if we can get diagnosis and treatment that works.  Any thoughts, advice?  We're also having a hard time finding someone who specializes in adult add that also accepts our insurance.  We've been on unemployment and under-employed since 2009, though we've managed to continue to pay our insurance premiums as we have 2 kids with a chronic illness.  We've just started a new company, with our oldest son, and son-in-law, that looks really promising.  Maybe at some point insurance won't matter, but right now, having the coverage is crucial.  Thanks everyone.