I would like to get some tips/insights to my post as a newcomer to this situation. I have known my partner for a long number of years, we have been best friends since we were young. We are both now in our 30's and discovered that we have strong feelings for each other. This came as a shock to us as our friendship was always platonic and none of us was expecting this friendship to turn into love EVER. Initially we both tried to justify the feelings and go back to being just friends....eventually we gave up and surrendered that we are in love. I was married before and he came out of a long term relationship about a year ago. Emotionally I completely moved on from my marriage however he is still not emotionally healed from his past relationship. Question - Him being an ADD sufferer is it normal that it takes him longer to heal emotional wounds?
He shoulders all the responsibility of having ADD and worked long and hard to improve. He stopped drinking completely as it made it so much worse and lives in an impeccably clean house since he found 'routines' that help him keep his cleaning regimes. He is a highly organized person now.
When we were courting/discovering our feelings he was all over me and I was his fixed thought all day and night. He never wanted to meet anyone but me, everyday. Now we are more into the relationship and things are changing. He is presently going through a phase where he is distant and cold, especially during the day when we are both going on with our day separately. He wont contact me unless it's to say anything logistics or to do with the house. Lately I was going through a bad patch (still am) and I needed his emotional support, instead, he was so hard, hurtful and mean with me. Telling me to just get over it. It hurt loads as I give him more than my 100% when he is in need (and since his relationship ended he was constantly in need)so when I needed some reassurance I expected him to hug me, say nice things and make me better. That's what he would have done when we were friends.
He comes up with a thousand and one plans and I never know which ones we will actually follow or which are pure fantasy. And I cannot ask.....as soon as I ask one question he freaks out, saying I'm too demanding and should learn to relax. This kills me as I would be purely curious to know what's on his mind about what he just suggested. For e.g. he mentioned there might be an opportunity to go 1month away doing voluntary work in summer. An idea which I love but I'm trying to change my job so if I do change it I definitely cannot leave for 1 whole month. When I pointed it out he goes - Relax it's just an idea, it's obvious we will see further on, why do you have to start pointing out issues when we are only talking vaguely about it - He said all this in a very annoyed tone and I end up crying and shutting off.
At the moment I am finding it hard to deal with his detached phase, I feel unloved and useless. He got pissed off when I asked if he still loves me, saying it's obvious he does. Intimately everything is normal and we have such a bond in the bedroom which I am really happy about.
We go for couples therapy together, it was his idea as well as mine and our therapist happens to have an ADHD husband so she really helps, but once a week/fortnight for me is not support enough, i feel overwhelmed with the stuff i need to learn and get used to.
Any tips please? I am still new to this and we got so much to deal with....his moving on from his last relationship, my pending divorce, moving jobs for me etc. I love him to bits, we have a strong friendship foundation and both want to make this work.
