It has been a wonderful 31 years of marriage, which is why this is made so hard.  Three days before Christmas my wife of 31 years decided to leave me and our 4 dogs after saying we argued all the time.   This was only true that on every weekend, she was able to get in one good day and the second day she descended into a total disconnect.  At times I felt like I was raising a one of my kids again.  Who ever heard of temper tantrums at 65 years old, but I was really shocked to see one.  I have tried to tell her how much I love her and how can we find a way to get past what I perceived as another one of the bumps in the road.  She either felt the "all or nothing" ADD loves to provide the spouse, but total nothing is what we have had.  Yesterday I got a text saying not Happy New Year, thinking of you, but that she paid the house taxes out of my account and wanted me to know.

Nothing more.  I did some research and discovered marriages over 25-30 breaking up is not that uncommon.   I really was feeling like I was shot in the gut these entire Holiday Season, but I am now wondering how long she had been planning this only to dump it on me at the Holidays when I had already put up half of the decorations and she knew I was getting a tree and going to decorate it the night she left.

Who does things like this?   I have seen over and over on forums and blogs that a lot of people that reach the 50-60 plus years with long marriages might find they had a partner all along that was not willing to be there in your golden years when one is breaking down and cannot do everything I did, such as cooking, cleaning, running a small business at home, taking care of our dogs, and literally everything for years while she had a very active cell phone and Facebook life I was not aware about until I was fixing her phone and a guy "poked" me 22 times that I did not know nor ever heard  She claimed it was nothing and he lived on the west coast, so the only thing they had in common was growing up in the same town.

It seems I have spent HOURS and DAYS trying to understand her behavioral changes with her ADD books and constantly asking her to get treatment for her condition.  I begged to live in a "positive environment" because the could of negativity she brought into the house only to find when I asked was palatable and the dogs were getting depressed.  Then when we would starting talking, she would escalate the conversation into an argument where I felt I was defending myself for wanting to be cared for the way she is cared for.  She literally needed nothing, but that was not enough.  She took her 5 year old top of the line car I got her and all the jewelry I bought her for all those years and up and left.

Now her reason for leaving is becoming more about her control of the situation than my own.  She will not return texts and even though I thought she was "hopefully" in therapy, she texted me that she was at work and paid the house taxes from her office.  She recently admitted to making her office and those at her office her other home.  I told her if I could get a tenth of the happy spirit she gives those where she works my life would improve knowing she cared at all.

Now I just finished a round of Doctors appointments potentially dealing with throat cancer but cannot get any diagnosis for losing my voice.  I have seen every Doctor to scope me stem to stern and nothing so far.  They have all been specialist but my voice has been disappearing for 18 months.  With this on my plate, she decides the best time to leave because of arguing was at Christmas and New Years.  Caring seems to be gone, so I am now not sure what lies ahead.  I know I have been kicked in the gut by the only person I have let in, my (absent) wife, which I am now preparing for the worst.

Lord knows I have done my best to insure we got the help needed, but when they make up their mind to leave, from what I have read it is often a surprise to the loving spouse and a total kick in the gut.  Of course this happens to woman more than men, but today with many men becoming husbands who work from home, I really believe our society is seeing a role reversal.  My dear loving wife has become what we knew when we were young, that was an "absent husband" which is now an "absent wife." : Social media has not helped, so I hope my experience of doing everything to be loved back just does not work.  She acted like she was a Queen and I was the servant.  Granted I did not mind making her breakfast every morning before she went to work even if I did not eat myself.  What a huge mistake I made with my life !!!  Twelve years of college, 5 degrees and no wife to love me.  That is simply tragic.

Best to everyone else this New Year!   I am starting to learn to be alone. Her actions speak volumes, especially when a cousin said to me that she must be missing our dogs, but that is far from the reality.
JM