I have been trying hard to be positive and focus on keeping myself above the waves of emotion.  But today - I am just so FRUSTRATED!

My soon to be ex... who I have supported, respected, loved, been loyal to, watched out for, cared for, appreciated, adored, helped, bragged about, cant even respect me enough to throw away his cigarette butts into the dammed trash can.  He just tosses them on to the ground where the dogs can get them - and they are toxic.  Not just that, but they make my front yard/driveway look like a junk yard and I am TIRED OF IT.  He lied to me about smoking in the first place, and when I told him that was silly to lie to me about something he has a right to do (he IS an adult after all), but he DOESNT have the right to just leave his mess all around.  I think I am being nice enough in buying his dammed cigarettes for him since he just started work and hasnt brought in a paycheck yet.

He would NEVER EVER do this at someone else's house.  He would NEVER EVER do this at an event property or place of business.

I know this is more than just the cigarettes/smoking issue.  honestly I dont care if he smokes - he is working hard to hide from his emotions and hide from what happened to him as a child.  That causes enormous stress. (far more, and with no end compared to working on recovery).  But if you want to be a "big boy" and make adult decisions like smoking - then be a "big boy" and do the adult thing like CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF.  I am really tired of him not doing that.  its a small thing.  But it bothers me.  I dont like living in a junky house, I have worked so hard to NOT live in a junky place - and the fact that I am literally just a 'hotel' to him since he is planning on leaving - I am far less understanding and patient about this than maybe I should be.

I feel used.  I AM being used.  My cousin was probably right when she said all the nice things he was doing, all that "progress" he was making was so that i would let him stay here.  Now that he started his job, he has not done ANY of the projects (not on the weekend as expected) but he is at least getting some stuff done at home at night - or he did the first week.  Second week not so much. This is the 3rd week and i suspect that its not gonna get any better. 

Sorry - this probably all sounds petty and super rambly, and to be truthful it is really about more than just this small stupid thing.  But I am just tired of all of it.  Tired of having stood by this man through everything, never running, never failing him only to have him AGAIN run away at the first time of trouble.  Such a cowardly thing to do.  I feel abandoned.  Seeing those cigarette butts after JUST LAST WEEK asking him to clean up the 50+ butts he had on the ground on the porch, in the driveway not even 2 feet from the trash can... and him saying he would throw them away from 'now on' .... really really upset me.  Its just a small thing, and I get that ADHD people have problems with this.  I did send him a text while I was angry, and maybe I should have been a little more patient.   He always says he feels controlled, like I am controlling him.... oh man... I would laugh if it wasn't so painfully sad how warped his thinking is... and its like this is a way for him to say "nananan you cant controooool meeeee!!!  I will throw my butts where I want! NANANANANANA!!!!"...

I dont know why this bothers me so much.  I am just bothered by everything right now.  I am not a doormat.