I am currently in a 7 month old relationship with an ADHD man, and I am a non-ADHD women who has very well controlled Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Depression. He is in his early 30s and I am in my mid-to-late 30s.
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I am reading The ADHD-Affected Marriage, and so far while I can see some of the typical patterns, we thankfully haven't gotten far enough into things for things to have turned bad. He is very aware of his ADHD - he disclosed this diagnosis in our first conversation, and his symptoms are well controlled with a moderate dose of adderal. He also has concurrent Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so when he's not on his medication he can easily sleep 20 hours a day, and focusing and motivation is extra difficult and frustrating for him.
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He was diagnosed in his early teens, but did not go on medication until he was in the military - though he was raised in a very disciplined home, which he is appreciative of. He had a very intensive job there, which he excelled at. He has since retired from the military for unrelated medical reasons, and is working full time and again excelling - getting raises and promotions frequently. He lives on his own, keeps his house as neat as I keep mine (which is to say not crazy tidy, but not filthy - I call it "reasonably lived in"), and is financially stable. He has had a bad spat where he was given HORRIBLE advice to come off his long-term high dose (at the time) meds cold turkey, which related in a a predictably complicated time for him. But he has bounced back from that, and is doing very well for himself.
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He's very self-aware of his symptoms, and said that he realizes that sometimes in long-term relationships he can get "tunnel vision" when he becomes consumed in a project. He said that while he doesn't really realize that he's going into, if you call his attention to it, he will recognize it, and be able to adjust his schedule to meet his partner's needs. So far our communication has been excellent, and whenever there has been something that is negatively impacting things - such as too intensive focus on the relationship, or not enough - I simply bring it to his attention, and we work together to find a solution that gives us both what we need.
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I consider myself a very skilled communicator, and am also very self-aware about my own GAD symptoms, and how they affect me, my behavior, and my relationships. I have never been a type who reacts out of anger, and have always striven to wait until I've been able to process my emotions, and come up with a diplomatic way to speak about any issues I'm having, so that my partners and I can work together on a mutually beneficial solution. I am also very able to hear critiques of my own behaviors, acknowledge it without getting defensive, and am very willing to do whatever is needed to take responsibility for the role I may have played in any issues, and get things back on track. (Granted, most of my partners have not been able to meet me on the same level. But this time it feels different, thankfully.) It has been very successful thus far.
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We are currently in a long-distance relationship, and visit monthly. The plan is for him to transfer here next year, and we will move in together. Neither of us want children, and I have been sterilized to ensure that NEVER happens!
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I like to be fully informed of how to be the best partner for whomever I am with, so I decided to do a bit of reading on ADHD. I have had many friends with ADD/ADHD in my lifetime, but I've never been in a relationship with anyone with it, so I wanted to make sure I had all the info I would need. I had already identified many of the differences in which he approached things as being ADHD related. For example, it's hard to get him to make appointments for doctors and such - he just forgets, or puts it off. Bureaucratic stuff, such as getting forms filled out and turned back in is a similar situation. However, he seems to function well when given a list of tasks and a deadline - it allows him to have a concrete goal post, rather than leaving it open-ended. I've learned this through feeling frustrated when things weren't getting done, but then speaking with him about it in a more concrete fashion: "X must be done by Y in order for Z to happen" works, whereas "you'll need X for Z" does not". Figuring that out has been very helpful. When I have expressed my feelings, and then presented a concrete path to get past it, he is able to respond.
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In any case, I felt that overall, we were/are building a very strong foundation for a lasting relationship moving forward. We've discussed the possibility of marriage at some point in the future, though neither of us are in a rush. I am divorced, and he does not feel any pressure from his family to get there - what's more important to both of us is a healthy, happy, stable relationship. I felt that we were/are doing really well.
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In finding the info on the book and forums, it's the Hyper-Focused Courtship part that really has me terrified. Because of trauma in my own background, I know that I need a partner that provides a good deal of emotional validation, and plenty of physical affection (cuddling, holding hands, etc). Right now, I get that in spades, and it's wonderful. Sometimes he even wants more than I do, which is a first for me to experience. He loves me intensely! Now I'm worried that it's all part of the Hyper-Focused Courtship, and that one day - perhaps after we move in together - it will simply all stop. And that will be extremely unhealthy and triggering for me and my issues.
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I realize that all relationships start off hot and cool off into more of a romantically-colored friendship. I'm perfectly fine with that. I've been in a 6, 9, and 3 year relationships in the past. His longest relationships have each been 2 years - though they sounded kind of dysfunctional from the get-go, as many relationships in the late teens and early 20s are. He said he was always willing to work on things more, but the women were not. Some of it could have been chalked up to ADHD, but I'm not going to try and retroactively do post-mortem's on his past relationships when it's impossible to know all the details.
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What I will give him credit for is taking several years off of dating in order to get focus on himself, and wait for the right relationship to come along. He did date during that time, but as soon as he knew it wasn't a good match, he would bow out, not wanting to waste anyone's time. I feel that I can deal with the way he works differently - and it seems through reading these forums that having children often triggers the overwhelm that makes things extremely difficult and toxic, and that's not something that will ever be an issue with us - but I don't think I would be able to deal with suddenly "losing" him completely once his neurochemistry no longer finds me a source of reward. I would like to think that since he is aware that he can get "tunnel vision" which can affect his relationships, and says that he just needs to have his attention called to it, and a plan put into place to remedy it, that would be all anyone could ask of anyone in a relationship - ADHD or not. We all have our eccentricities and neurosis, after all.
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Am I just setting myself up for disappointment by thinking that maybe we'll be different from all the other extremely unhappy people that seem to be posting here? I was hoping to find lots of positive stories, to try and counter-balance the negatives...but that's proving difficult. I do try to keep perspective. After all, you can find a lot of really intimidating and scary stuff written about relationships with people with anxiety and depression as well. I'm sure there are forums full of miserable people who think that anyone in relationship with someone with GAD/depression should run for the hills. And while I certainly have bad flaps, I work extremely hard to manage everything so that it has as little impact on my relationships as possible. Of course there are many people who do not, or who are not able to manage their symptoms.
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I love him very much, and he's the first person that's ever accepted me just as I am - he says I'm the first person to accept him just as he is, as well. I would never want to assume he was going to behave in a certain way due to a diagnosis, just as it has been EXTREMELY damaging to me when past partners have assumed false things about me based on their own idea of what my diagnosis meant.
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I want to speak with him about my fears, since he's been very open about everything, and I think he knows I don't judge him for anything - but I would also hate for it to come across as hurtful in any way. Maybe if we're both aware of a common pattern among people with ADHD, it will help us avoid the pitfall? I don't want him to feel that he's having to "prove" anything to me. My last relationship was much more damaging to me than my divorce was, as I was not only gas lighted for 3 years, but was constantly made to "prove" that I was "ok enough" to be worthy of him staying with me. And I don't EVER want to do that to someone else, or put them in that position.
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Any advice is welcome. I love him very much, and can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But I'm not sure I could handle "dropping out of favor" and suddenly not having the companionship and physical affection that I need to feel secure in a relationship, and more anchored in my own life. Would/could a discussion about this be helpful with him? Or will I just do damage over an issue that doesn't exist yet? Thanks for reading.
