how to bounce 20 balls in the air and survive

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What if I can't do what someone asks?

Submitted by annonymous (not verified) on Fri, 05/23/2008 - 13:19

I know this is a marriage blog but I am going to take a risk and post a question about my relationship with my mom. (If there's a better blog for this sort of material I'd love that URL...) I am an adult woman with ADD and one of my many issues is that I like to verbally process longer than other people. I have learned to ask people what about my communication is hard for them. When I ask my mother, she says there is 1 thing that is very hard for her - that's when conversations last more than 15 minutes. She is a very scheduled person and she says that I can have 15 minutes but nothing more than that. She says I go on and on and before she knows it, an hour is gone from her day talking about nothing that seems to change the world, make anyone feel better, etc. She says in fact that when we do talk a long time, we often feel worse, not better. I agree, this is what happens. At the same time, it is incredibly hard for me. I can keep to the time limit if I stick to "how are you today," or "what does the plan look like for Memorial Day" but if I want to talk about how I am doing, I cannot stick to 15 minutes. So therein lies the problem - we're gotten to a point where I'm pretty much just not talking with her about anything beyond logistics. This may be the way our relationship has to evolve - I have to accept not that 15 minutes is our limit and my way of showing I love her is going to be that I am going to figure out how to respect this wish. I am posting this because I messed up today and did talk too long and instead of stopping me at 15 minutes which she often does, she let me talk but got monosyllabic - which is the way that she indirectly tells me to stop it. So I realized it and stopped myself. But somehow when it happens that way, it doesn't make us feel good - we seem to both hang up feeling bad. We've talked about this enough that I know she feels like a bad mom because she can't "fix" my problem and I feel bad because I was not able to manage my emotions well enough as an adult woman to respect her truly simple wish that I process "that stuff" with other people. Any suggestions on what to do? I'm working on developing a broader net of people to talk with, journaling, etc, - all these things help me to dispell the emotional energy that is making me want to process out loud with someone for more than 15 minutes. But any suggestions on how to stop myself if I do somehow forget and call? Or how to not feel bad if I do mess up? We have been "too close" in the past - that's why this happens. And I think we are doing a good job of separating - but these things still come up every three months or so as if I forget what I am supposed to be doing and revert. Thank you in advance for your opinions-

The first possible solution

Submitted by Anon001 (not verified) on Sat, 06/21/2008 - 18:34

The first possible solution that comes to mind is logistic - set a timer for yourself for 15 minutes when you call her on the phone?? (And make a list of your introspective/non-logistic issues ahead of time in terms of what you want to talk about?) I suspect you may be thinking "Well, that's good, but how will I remember to set the timer when I call her?" If remembering that you only have 15 minutes to talk to her is not a sufficient trigger, maybe there's some sort of suggestion in Sari Solden's book, or in one of the Nadeau/Quinn books. (YMMV since we all have to tailor our individual solutions and all that.) The other thing I'm wondering is related to the fact that those of us on the "condition continnuum" (I prefer not to call it a "disorder") sometimes getting socially isolated.Whom else - what friends, social groups, online communities, etc. - other than mom do you have to discuss your issues with?

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What if I can't do what someone asks?

The first possible solution