Submitted by Hope768 on 05/27/2008.
Hello Everyone,
I have been diagnosed with ADD. My wife was the one who discovered the common relation of my symptoms and ADD. She was very supportive in the beginning but I was less accepting. I knew I had ADD, there was no question. I suffer from all the classic symptoms such as procrastination, loss of memory, uncompleted tasks, finacial incompetency. I've been on a list of medications but none have had an effect. I sought a Psychiatrist but that became a "Pill Pushing" extravaganza. I keep thinking I can deal with this myself but it has not gone well.
I have been more accepting than ever in the past 6 months (finally reading that 2 year old copy of "Delivered from Distraction"). I have tried to work on improving, but my wife has now moved in a different direction. She is not supportive any longer. She feels I have not done a thing. My procrastination to seek help and improvement as left her frustrated with me. Now anything I do related to my ADD (or not) is met with ridicule and scorn. I here things like "You're such an idiot" or "You can't get anything right, I hate you!". I understand she is frustrated. When I tell her she is being hurtful she replys with "how do you think I feel, I've been dealing with your sorry self for 16 years!" I now feel as if I am walking on thin ice. I'm afraid to say anything in fear of an argument. On the other hand saying nothing does not help either.
When I look back on our marriage, this is nothing new. Almost from the beginning of our marriage my ADD must have played a role. Anytime I spoke, my thoughts or ideas were put down. Any task I performed was met with, "Why did you do it that way?" or "This isn't right at all what's the matter with you!" This has made me go into seclusion within myself (if that makes sense). I'm not open at home. I'm silent, expressionless. It has made me less in touch with my children too. I am never sure what I should say or do with them. I find myself missing the boat so to speak. Another day goes by and I didn't help my daughters with there trumpet music. I didn't help my daughter with her track aspirations. I didn't help my daughter with her project that's due in days. Then I'm told things like "You are useless, I can do a lot better without you"
My fear is I'm too late in turning things around. I find it difficult to even think of a direction to go. I've asked my wife if she would go to counseling with me. She believes she does not need it. The problem is mine and if any one should go to counseling it's me. I feel I'm being made a spectacle to my kids as well. Contantly being ridiculed and belittled in front of them must have them losing confidence in me as a dad. The sad part about all this is deep inside I am an outgoing, loving person. I have always been the one people would say, "Wow, what a great guy, he's so funny, how does he do that!". I am an artist and love to play music on top of a myriad of many other interests. All of this has gone, it's very dark now.
I don't have the finances to try another medication or speak with a psychologist. I know the things I have to do and find them visable but untouchable.
My question...Is it too late to save my marriage?
Roger
You Did It! Keep Doing It!
Submitted by up2lisa on
To Roger and Thank You, Lisa
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Roger - Lisa said a lot here! You should be proud of your ability to verbalize your feelings, and to recognize the issues that your ADD has contributed to your situation. The next step is to take control. There is NO DOWNSIDE to doing this. Your situation with your wife can't possibly get worse (what's worse than being belittled in front of your entire family all the time, having your wife tell you that she hates you, and feeling as if you can't be loved as yourself?? NOTHING!)
Your wife has significant anger issues and is wrong when she says that you are the only one that needs counselling. I recognize this because I was there once, myself. Having said that, counselling won't work for her until she decides she's ready to participate. So, in the meantime, what do you wish most to do to help yourself? Do you want to start experimenting with non-medicinal treatments for your ADD, such as exercise? Do you want to start contributing to your daughter's trumpet lessons? (If so, work with her on what would be the most constructive time to make that happen, then figure out the best way to remind yourself to do it). Do you want to do the one thing thta your wife will appreciate the most? (Ask her to tell you what that is...) Believe it or not, the thing I wanted most from my husband for quite a while (aside from the really big thing - pay attention to me!) was for him to do the dishes every night. I felt that this would be a symbolic gesture - one that showed that he was thinking about me and understood that I hate doing dishes and that I am often not my best at night (too tired). Perhaps your wife has something like that - something that you can "own" even if you don't like doing it all that much - that shows her that you care about her feelings and the quality of her life.
Can you afford a coach? If so, you might consider hiring an ADD coach who can help you organize what you want to attack first, and help keep you on track.
If your wife is like me, her anger is getting in her way right now (as well as yours, but that goes without saying!) But deep down, she is hoping for some ray of sunshine that would indicate that things really can change. You can provide that ray of hope to her, or (not to put too fine a point on it) you can provide that ray of hope to a different woman after everything falls completely apart with this one. You may wish to challenge her a bit as you move forward about the counselling. While this may not be her case, I know that I hated the fact that my husband's response to my anger was to retreat rather than engage. If this is the case with your wife point out that you are asking her to engage in a constructive way when you ask her to go to a counsellor with you. But, make SURE you find a counsellor who knows a lot about ADD if you take this route. It's important that part of the counselling includes separating the ADD symptoms from the person with ADD - and counsellors who don't know much at ADD aren't as good at this as those who do.
Most certainly, you deserve better than the situation with which you are living right now. No one should be in a relationship in which they feel completely crushed, as you seem to. You have one life to live - pursue how to make this one happier than it is now - and don't be afraid to find a positive outlet for your emotions - either here at this site, with a counsellor, or with thoughtful friends if your wife isn't yet ready to listen.
Melissa Orlov
Hello Melissa, Thank you for
Submitted by Hope768 on
Use What You Have...WRITE the wrongs and make them RIGHT.
Submitted by up2lisa on
Disappointed wife
Submitted by Snoopydebi (not verified) on
Hear you loud and clear, Snoopydebi
Submitted by Survivor on
In reference to Survivor and to Snoopydebi.
Submitted by Exhausted and Sad (not verified) on
Response to survivor and Exhausted and sad
Submitted by snoopydebi (not verified) on
add
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
new to this
Submitted by catscan on
Support for Non-Add Spouse
Submitted by balanceact on
Try This Program
Submitted by Kplee on
12 Step Program
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Ned Hallowell talks about the usefulness of the 12 Step Program for dealing with ADHD in Delivered from Distraction and you might read that chapter. He suggests it for the person with the ADHD, by the way.
Melissa Orlov
I am married to a man with
Submitted by Married to ADD (not verified) on
In response to: I am married to a man with
Submitted by jfd on
Hello L, I'm glad I could
Submitted by Hope768 on
Hi Roger, I'm an adult male
Submitted by Gawain on
Hello, Thanks for the
Submitted by Hope768 on
Wife Not Only Person Able to Help
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You're right - it is much, much harder to make progress on your own. But your wife doesn't have to be the person who helps you progress. There are others who can help you identify what you need to work on, help you create a plan, and then help you stick to it until you can do so on your own.
Don't use her as an excuse. YOU are responsible for making the change. I just wrote about Nancy Ratey's new book, and I think it would be a great one for you to read because it will give you some hope that you CAN change (finding that hope and inspiration is hard sometimes) AND it will give you some ideas about how. You sound as if you are a bit down about yourself, and so reading something that will give you both inspiration and hope may help.
Then, look into a therapist, coach, family member or some other person who can help you solve some of your biggest issues (who that will be depends upon your own individual issues). It's much cheaper than divorce and when your wife sees that you are making progress, she may start helping out, too.
Melissa Orlov
Rays of Hope
Submitted by Fran on
Your story
Submitted by clancy on