I want to leave. I cannot. My ADHD husband of 22 years controls every facet of my life: HE convinced me to become a stay-at-home mom to our 3 kids... will not let me get a job. I am now not marketable- my RN license has expired . Secondly, he moved us after 15 years in the midwest outside a major city and family and friends , to the Northwest where there is no family, and is completely on the opposite coast where my family is. My kids and I miss our relatives and support... He keeps my money tight, only giving me minimum every 2 weeks, then yells at me every 2 weeks if I need more - that I am spending too much - calls everything "his" - even his kids belongings, AND says the same to them !!! I AM STUCK. I cannot leave because I have NOTHING... I don't know what to do. He controls my life, even though his ADHD life is out of control... and he cant keep anything consistent except his career... Pathetic for a 45 yr old woman . What am I teaching my kids, especially my daughter ? He says I will destroy them if I ever leave him... How do I hang on for 11 more years until my youngest leaves home... and them how will I be able to leave him then ? I see no hope for this marriage or my future. I ave been told to get counseling - We have tried that. Obviously didn't work.
Self-survival
Submitted by pjrt9388 on 12/07/2010.
Leaving is hard, but never impossible
Submitted by Marie Loren on
I'm very sorry to read about your situation. In a past relationship (non ADD), I was abused both emotionally and physically. He was very very controlling. He controlled our finances as well. He told me there was no way I could make it on my own (we had just moved to a new state, I had no job and no money, I was just starting school and I had no friends in the area...so he thought he was right). My situation was different and although we were married, I was in my young twenties with no children. Getting out was HARD, but trust me, if you need to or even just want to you can do it. Hey, if I can, you can! I lived in a shelter for domestically abused women for 30 days (majorly depressing). Do you have family that would support you while you got on your feet? The best way to look at it is baby steps. If you haven't talked to your family yet, start there and see what kind of support you may be able to get. Nursing is a wonderful profession and you have your education. Getting your license back isn't impossible and nursing jobs aren't as difficult to come by as some (my sister is a nurse). Once you do start working, you'll make good money!
Today I have a college degree and a good job. So his opinion wasn't correct :) I am making it just fine...and so will you! Sometimes things look impossible, but they rarely ever are. That's something I learned from my situation.
Leaving
Submitted by going crazy on
I agree with Marie Loren. It's hard but not impossible. If you have children it's harder, no questions about it, but you must be willing to do whatever it takes to get out if this is what you really want. If you situation is so bad that you MUST leave now, then I would recommend either the family helping approach or going to a shelter. The family seems better/more secure and comfortable but if they are not wiling to help, shelter it is.
Now if you don't have to leave right away, I would do the approach above. Take care of yourself, try to get your nursing license back (even if you have to hide it from him), go to a church or some other place where they offer free counseling (if it didn't work going with him, you have to go by yourself). If he gives you a little bit of money try to save it, even if under the mattress (just kidding, but not really). You have to put yourself in a situation where you can leave, you feel strong and you have options. The worse thing you can do for yourself is let him control your life.
The kids will adjust to the situation. I left my husband 3 years ago and he refused to talk to the kids. Didn't call, no email, letters, no nothing. Feel off the face of the earth. The kids were sad and I ended up going back to him because I couldn't take the pressure (to see my kids suffering because their dad wouldn't talk to them.). It was the worse thing I've ever did. He did not change a thing and is actually worse than has ever been before. Run while you can.
Good luck.
I second that
Submitted by Tasla on
Yeah it's hard, I believe that.
But if you have family, surely they can pay for a ticket back west for you and your children and put you up for a few months while you get your feet back under you. Besides, if you are married you are presumingly entitled to half your assets in a divorce, so there's gotta be something there for you.
Obviously you will not destroy your kids by leaving, if anything it's probably better for them to grow up in an environment where their mother is a positive role model, instead of with a father who yells and controls.
Please know you always have options.
A nearby women's shelter must offer free counseling, maybe you could go talk to someone while he is at work and kids at school?