Submitted by artsygal on 02/14/2011.
Just wondering peoples thoughts on this. My husband I believe has ADHD severely (undiagnosed). My younger brother also has it (diagnosed). Both seem as individuals to have some similar traits. They like to focus on themselves, what they want to buy or what they can get out of something, and also lie a lot (white lies, and some big ones). I'm not saying they are bad people, they just tend to think about themselves over other people and lie a lot. I've gotten used to it with my husband, that if he wants to avoid a certain topic hell just tell a lie to get out of it, but I'm usually good at discerning that hes lying. Sometimes I wonder if this a also a part of ADHD?
Same Place
Submitted by Brandon on
Well I am a husband who has ADD and I know what he is going though, I think it comes from low self esteem because as kids who are ADD undiagnosed and diagnosed people treat us different and we have never been able to fit in. So we lie to try to impress people to like us or to try and fit in or just be apart of a conversation, You have to remember that our brains go a mile a minute and we day dream alot. So if we come up to a conversation that is talking about how someone did something we will lie and come up with a better story to top them to feel like we have done it to. I do not know if this fix with meds but I do believe that with therapy it can help with it. I have been seeing a therapist for a little bit now and it has been helping me, good luck
My husband has ADHD, otg married before I realized
Submitted by Sackallen on
Let me get off my chest what I deal with. My husband is now 43 and he is currently holding down the longest real job of his life, going on 3 years. He is self focused and is easily hyper focused on the flavor of the month, whatever that may be. If it's his new hobby, he does it, pretty much around the clock, til everyone around him is so sick and frustrated with it that they can hardly even talk about it. He cannot pay bil, because he will just forget or not do it. He cannot help the kids with homework at all. He will play video games like a 12 year old, and he will not pay any attention to me. Touching me in a typical cuddle way is impossible for him. Reading is impossible for him. He will talk forever and lecture the kids and me but will not give us a chance to respond. The only time we can spend with him is if it's doing something he wants, ie his hobby, his movie, his tv show. He's struggled with drug addiction in the past, infidelity - we've been together 20 years. And finally, has enormous trouble admitting anything is his fault. To make matters worse, our son now has sever ADHD and just got arrested a week age for sneaking out of our house and being out last curfew. Really, I just want to give up and send them both away... I feel like it's draining me and I have no support. I love them both, they are family, but they make me both feel that I'm on this out of control speeding train heading for a cliff and I want off!!! Hope this helps someone who us dealing with these same issues.
RE: adhd, lying, etc., I know what it's like.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Artsygal,
My ADHD husband does the same thing. He was undiagnosed for 25 out of the 28 years we've been married. Even though our marriage is getting a little better, I still REALLY STRUGGLE with how self absorbed he is, as well as the numerous lies, the not listening, the defensiveness, and the lack of affection, etc. The list is so long, I have often asked myself "Why do I stay?" I wish I could just have a "normal" conversation with my husband. We can ONLY have conversations about HIM, or about what he is doing or what he is interested in, and I have to listen. He will NOT allow me to talk very long at all. He usually says, "Come on, make your point, say it already". He is simply NOT INTERESTED in anything I might be thinking or feeling, and I feel very lonely most of the time because I CAN'T talk to my husband. He just DOESN'T listen. When I DO talk, his mind is somewhere else, and he turns the conversation back to himself anyway. It gets very frustrating, especially since it's gone on for so long.
He moved us to a location where we are very isolated from people. He took a certain job, in a different state, against my better judgement and would not listen to any input that I might have had. Of course, the job has turned out to be a disaster and now we are stuck in a place that we totally dislike for many reasons. (mostly we are far away from any family) I've tried to make a few friends (all three turned out to be adhd) I couldn't take any more of it in my life. I need someone who will LISTEN to me, and where we can have a mutual friendship without it being SO lopsided, because I am tired of being the listener and not being able to TALK.
You mentioned lying, which my husband does quite frequently. I get frustrated with this because there is no need for him to lie so much, and about such small things, but yet he continues to do it. I have a neck and back problem that gives me quite a bit of pain, but I still do all my own work, but my husband would lie to EVERYONE about me. He would tell them that he couldn't get his OWN work done because he had to do all of MY work as well. Well, that was A TOTAL LIE. He said it so much, especially to family members in other states, and they would feel sorry for him. "Oh you poor man, your wife is so lucky to have someone who does so MUCH for her". (Oh if they only knew) But he would say things like this to get people to compliment him. It's like he needs an extra ordinary amount of praise, and yet he won't give me ANY. I still don't understand this, because I've tried explaining to him that I NEED him to say some nice things and/or a compliment once in a while, but he resents it, like it's a BIG DEAL for him to do this.
Most lies were about things that made him look "better" to people, and look better to himself. Oh, another thing.....as much as he DOESN'T say, he also has an issue about "saying the words". He will act very angry and hostile and if I ask him why he's angry, he will say, "Why did you think that?, and I'll say, "Because you are acting like you are angry". But, then he will say, "Well, I didn't SAY I was angry, I didn't say THOSE WORDS". (this REALLY confuses me) His body language says one thing but because he didn't say the WORDS, the actions don't count. (Isn't THAT crazy?)
The hardest thing for me though is the fact that we have a sexless marriage. My husband's always had a lower sex drive, (has premature ejaculation) and has felt very self conscious about it. I tried for years to make this easier for him and even tried to help him overcome the issues. He absolutely WOULD NOT talk about it, would not deal with it and now we have a TOTALLY sexless marriage. God, I miss being held, and hugs and kisses and the closeness that intimacy brings. It feels like my soul has died. Anyway, I won't drag this out any longer, I just wanted you to know that someone else is living this too. I wish I had some answers for you, but I am searching this out myself, and hopefully I'll find some answers as well.
I wish you well,
Dede
I didn't say that
Submitted by lost in pain on
"Well, I didn't say that!" Oh, I have heard that phrase, so many times over the last 10 years, I just want to pull my hair out everytime he uses it. I know exactly what you are going through Dede. He blames me and my son for things and when I tell him he is blaming us unjustly, he yells at me saying "Did the WORD blame come out of my mouth? I don't think so. You are the one always hung up on this BLAME issue." He uses that excuse of not saying it so often, he tells me his words mean more than his actions, so if he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. If he says cruel, mean things, I misunderstood him. If I bring something up from the past, I have a memory problem because he would NEVER do anything to be mean to me, EVERYTHING he does is to please me and try to make me happy. Quite often he tells me I have a bad memory, that he isn't lying, I remembered it wrong. He is the only person that tells me I have a bad memory, a lot of people tell me the opposite.
He lies about the smallest things and will actually twist any conversation around to prove he is correct, I am serious when I say, he will sometimes take my side part way through the conversation or argument, (I guess when he has figured out I am correct) and then pretend that is what he was trying to say all along! It is so infuriating. There seems to be no reasoning with him. I actually heard him tell another woman on the phone that he loved her, I was standing right there when he did it and then when he got off the phone explained to me that she forced him to say that? What?!? How could she possibly force him to say that? She wasn't in the room with us with a gun to his head?! I recently found a singles dating chat program on his computer and asked him about it. He actually told me he only looked into it because he thought it would be something I might like. What?!? Once again, this logic baffles me. Why would I be interested in that? How stupid does he think I am, pretty stupid I guess, if he thought I'd fall for that answer.
He seems to have a need to be the victim, so he doesn't make decisions, he blames everyone else for his problems, he makes up any lie (and sometimes they are so obvious and stupid it's sad) to try to make up for his behaviour or pretend he didn't do something. He loves being the victim so much, he won't do anything for himself to improve things. He has told me that his first wife divorced him, got a restraining order out on him and had him deported as he is not originally from her country. He tells everyone that she kidnapped their daughter and he has no way of seeing her ever again. I can tell you, he hasn't even tried to find out if he can see her. He has done absolutely nothing to get in contact with her. She is now 12 or 13 years old and hasn't seen her father or heard from him since she was about 6 months old. I have tried numerous times to get him to see a lawyer to find out what can be done. He says it's hopeless, he could never afford a lawyer. I told him you can see a lawyer for free for the first visit, you have half an hour to find out if anything can be done. I have offered to go with him and support him. He still refused. I told him he would probably qualify for legal aid and it might not cost him anything at all, so he should look into it. Again, he has done nothing at all about this the entire 10 years I have known him. I am not going to do it for him, however. This then turns into, "no one will help me".
I used to try to reason with him, when I caught him in a lie or wasn't happy with things. This never worked as it always turned into a yelling match, and of course according to him, it was my intention to pick a fight in the first place, or it was my intention to try to upset him. After years of this, and I checked with friends to see if I was hearing them and remember things correctly, as he honestly had me doubting my own mind, I gave up reasoning, and just stopped caring and stopped communicating, only this didn't work either. We seperated three years ago and I keep telling myself that I am banging my head against a brick wall trying to make this relationship work, but at the same time I know it's not him, it's his illness. He is in complete denial that he has ADD or ADHD, but he has been diagnosed with mental illness. The more I read on this site, the more these symptoms sounds just like his behaviours though. When I asked him to read some things on this site, he said it was all just a bunch of housewives b****ing about their normal husbands. He said none of them had symptoms of ADD/ADHD, they were just regular guys.
Another annoying thing is that he knows better than everyone else, including professionals within their own fields. How do you reason with someone that knows better than you, better than everyone it seems, is willing to lie, change their story, put you down or whatever it takes to come out the winner? I'm not trying to win anything, I am just trying to love him and trying to see if it is worth salvaging our relationship. I know he loves me, but I can't make him see his own behaviours/symptoms and until he does, I don't think our relationship will ever work.
For many years I got the "I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
For many years I got the "I didn't mean it that way" line...when there was really no other logical way to take what was said. It makes much more sense now that I know he has ADHD, and realize that most likely he probably DIDN'T mean it 'that' way. Used to drive me nuts at the time though.
How on earth do I tell him that I've diagnosed him and he's ADD?
Submitted by wisconsinwife on
Sorry this is long!!!
Dear Ladies (Dede, Artsygal and Lost in Pain)
This is the first time I’ve seen this forum and the first time that I’ve attempted to really figure out what makes my husband, the way he is!
I'm quite amazed - each and every one of you have described what I go-through with my husband. I am so glad that I am blessed with a wicked sense of humor - I hate to admit that as I sat here reading each of your articles, and although I felt sad for what all of us go through, I did have to smile once, or maybe ten times and occasionally I scoffed with a chuckle and said to myself "Oh My God - yes, yes, yes, that's him too!"
Dede, you must be an angel to have put up with his behavior (regardless of whether you know it's not him, but his condition) for 25+ years. I can feel your pain and sadness and having only been married four and a half years - I don't know how you've held on. You obviously love him and I'm imagining that you might understand me saying this; when "Mr Nasty" (as I call him) has gone away for a while, and "Mr Nice" visits - I remember why I fell in love with him, why I married him and am still married to him. BUT, I've realized in the last few months, more and more frequently, that I want to use a word that my Mother told me, should never be used; it's the very worst someone could feel about another person, and that's "Hate". I can think of wrongs that have been done to me, at work, or by so-called-friends etc., and I can honestly say that I don't 'hate' anyone. Yet when my husband is at his worst, I hate him with a passion and a capital "H". And then, I hate myself for feeling that way about him.
Dede, I guarantee you've done this many, many times (we probably all have?) You decide it's time to sit down and talk because you either need to clear the air (because as usual, you did something wrong and you've upset him!) or things are just coming to a head and you're going to explode. So, you ask if he'll sit down as you need to talk. Maybe this time will be different - it's worth a try. You only ever, ever get this far into the converation ... "you probably don't realize darling but when .... happens, it makes me feel ...." and before you can even finish your sentence your chat is over, finished, finite. (Silly woman, didn't you realize it's all about him, your feelings don't count, at all, ever). A big mistake because now you have to sit there and listen to his voice get louder and louder as his tone gets more and more negative and his vocabulary becomes more demeaning and abusive. All you can do, all you ever do is sit there, stare into space and give the occasional eye-contact so he doesn't get angry that you're not listening to him. All the while, he's digging up the past, twisting the truth and the conclusion of why things are as messed up as they are in the relationship, is because you're a bad person, bad wife, bad housekeeper, bad daughter, sister, employee and just an all-round, bad human being.
Something not really mentioned by any of you - so I'm wondering if this is exclusive to my husband. Spending/money. I could spend $7.50 on hair dye, the day after he had spent $75 on new cloths (because I hadn't done the laundry because I'm a terrible housewife - which I'll address in a moment!) and according to him, I am THE most selfish, spend-thrift person that ever walked the face of the earth. A horrible example of this happened today - we lost our house due to foreclosure in Dec (you can guess why). We are now renters and unfortunately we were both laid off in Jan and Feb. I'm getting unemployment but there has been a delay (although boring I have to explain briefly … red tape, a letter arrived asking me to send proof of earnings at my last job. Before I mailed this, another arrived saying Claim awarded. We discussed it and both agreed that, okay, they’ve awarded me unemployment so I don’t need to send in proof of earnings. I made a strong point of saying “So, if we’re wrong, don’t you dare throw me under the bus and say it’s my fault for being late and that we never had this conversation!” He agreed. A week goes by, no check so I called the unemployment office and the lady explained, Oh no, I still had to send in proof of earnings, even though I’ve been awarded the claim! Luckily, two weeks ago he got a small settlement of $2700. After 3 or 4days I said, very calmly, coolly and un-accusingly "You know hun, I should probably put $1700 of that in the bank so we don't waste it because rent is due in about 9 days time" To my surprise, he somewhat agreed with me; well, he nodded, but that's as far as it went. Knowing what I know, I didn't nag him about it. STUPID me. Why did I let this happen.Low and behold, we have no rent money now. Stupid. I can account for $1000 + grocery money (we owed a friend, we had a sick pet, gas bill etc). Add on maybe another $400 (which is excessive) to cover us until I get my check. That would be $1400 spent - we should have $1300 left. NO! He's down to his last $100 and he just informed me this morning that yesterday the Landlord left a voicemail saying he will give us another couple of days to pay and then we'll get a three day notice to quit. OMG! How the heck did I allow this to happen. So this morning I did something I don’t normally do (because I know better!) and said “I told you I should have taken $1700 and put it in the bank!” Oh, that was it - he was off and running. Talking over me, raising his voice, asking me how many times I’ve f’d up getting a check, that I never take care of anything I should, if we lose this house it’ll be all my fault and that the conversation we had, where we agreed about the meaning of the letter, absolutely never, ever happened.
Two of you mentioned sex and the lack of affection and the lack of sex, period. I do believe that my husband has slept around since I married him. I have no absolute proof, but us women have a 6th sense. I too have found him online on a ton of sites. Lostinpain ...Amazingly, yesterday, I swear I heard my husband in his office talking very low and quietly. I strained my ears and am 99% sure he said “love you, bye” and as he hung up, realized and let out a quiet expletive that begins with F! I didn’t say anything - what’s the point - he’d tell me I’m crazy. Besides, I don’t want to alert him to the fact that he should be careful and on-guard … I want him to be careless because if I did have 100% proof - there would be NO forgiveness. As for life being all about them - I remember him telling me about his first love and how devastated he was, when he found out after they broke up that she was sleeping with his friend. He said “The thought of them two doing it just made me physically sick. It was THE most awful feeling ever - to imagine them together. It just broke my heart and the pain I felt was just the worst thing ever” I know, without doubt that if I did ever find out for sure and reminded him of this conversation - what I felt would be nothing compared to what he went through - no way, not even close!
Lostinpain I have to say that when I read what you wrote about always being right, never been wrong and knowing everything about everything, even more so than a professional that actually does ‘that’ day in and day out, for a living. I did chuckle. It drives me CRAZY. The arrogance of it, and it’s so, so embarrassing too. My brother often visits and we often spend the weekend together. My brother is a very intelligent guy and does genuinely know a lot about a lot of things … but never claims to know more than anyone else. When my husband gets on his soapbox and ckaims …”no, that’s the wrong way to do it, it should be done this way …” OR “...no, that’s not how it works, it’s because … “ UGH! Also, he will claim that he said something when it was actually me that said it, but he’ll claim it as his because it made sense in the end!
Finally, I will get off my soapbox in a moment! Dede, the mess, the hoarding, the not taking care of tasks, not finishing anything he started. When we owned our house everything in it was 50 years old. We spent a fortune and a ton of time remodeling it - taking down walls, replastering everywhere, bamboo floors, 6” crown molding, new kitchen, island, doors etc., etc. We did all the work ourselves. Prior to this I was pretty handy with a tool as I have 3 older brothers and was always their ‘apprentice’ so I knew a fair bit before we stared remodeling. Can I tell you, there is not much that I don’t know now because I had to go around after him finishing up the jobs that he started and couldn’t finish, while working full time and cooking/cleaning etc. So, when I mentioned Laundry earlier and the fact that he’ll go out and buy new cloths because I’m such a terrible wife and have not kept on top of the laundry … it’s because I’m finishing up his frigging jobs … I don’t have time to do laundry! Suffice to say, I won’t attempt plumbing or electrics but tiling, drywall, carpentry, crown/base board, installing wood floor - you name it, I can do it and I do a better job than he does :)
Okay, I will let you all get away now - so sorry this is such a long post but being so ignorant about this - I’m just blown away that I’ve found others who are living in such a parallel universe!
Take care all and hang in there - as for the anger Dede, do what you can, deal with it as you see fit and eventually it will get better - like grieving, the pain subsides very slowly but will never go away completely, I’m sure.
Take care all.
P.S: I have to ad one last thing - for all the bad negativity that I've written about my darling husband - he is a good, good man, he'd do anything for anyone, he loves babies and animals, he was a great son to his parents and he has a big heart and a kind, giving soul - it's just his wiring that makes him lose his way sometimes. And I do love him!
ask
Submitted by simora on
if he would consider exploring the possibility of ADHD because that would explain a lot of stuff that is making you unhappy. There are several sites you can do a self test questionnaire. Tell him that if he feels that there is no possibility that it is a physical neurological issue that you are no longer prepared to continue in this fashion. I have ADHD and even before diagnosis, there is some sense that there is something beyond our control, although we often can't put a name to it. Above all, give him time to digest what you said. Tell him "we will talk about this sometime next week when you have had time to absorb it" With most of us, finding out is a huge relief. If he looks like he's going to fight you on this, have a place ready to go to and a bag packed. Follow through because sometimes those ADHD guys need a bit of a shock to wake up.
You know the old saying "If you love something...." This is very true in ADHD. If you remain with no hope of change, you will grow to hate him and him you. Give him a chance but read the posts of some long time spouses who have a diagnosis for their partners. This is not an easy condition to reconcile. It is worse if you are swimming upstream.
Tell him...
Submitted by YYZ on
wisconsinwife: sorry this took so long
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wisconsinwife: Sorry getting back to you took so long, I haven't been on this site much lately, but I want to thank you for your reply. My husband was in bed for a MONTH sick, and I was almost driven to the point of insanity. ("get me this"..."get me that"...."I'm so sick") ARRRRRH. I wanted to scream. He finally went to the doctor, and he had ALLERGIES. Yes, allergies. The doctor gave him an antibiotic and Claritin, and he was at work the same day. So, I'm trying to catch up on things online.
I TOTALLY understand what you have written and am living it. You asked me if I ever sat down with my husband to "clear the air" about things. OH YES. I can't even COUNT the times. His responses to things would just floor me sometimes, and his reasoning about relationship issues were almost too bizarre to define. The past couple of years I've had to detach myself in so many ways, that I haven't even recognized WHO I was anymore. Just lately, things are changing a little. I DID have a couple of in depth conversations about his ADHD, to where I said I just couldn't take it any more, because I didn't like what it was doing to me. I didn't like WHERE I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually and he needed to know that. But, that the untreated ADHD had affected SO MUCH between us all these years. For the first time, he DID LISTEN, and he's trying to be kinder and gentler to me the past couple of weeks. I still am not sure what to make of it, because there's been such a lack of trust. He DID have a long term affair that he lied about for 3 years, and the only way I found out was because of a letter the other woman had written him, describing things in detail. He would have NEVER told me if I hadn't found that letter, and then he said his psychiatrist TOLD HIM not to tell me, right. I don't believe that.
He too, like your husband, changes things in his mind about "who said what"....."I didn't say that"....."You SAID THIS....I SAID THAT"....yes. LOTS OF THINGS. to the point I thought I was loosing my sanity....literally. I have more to write but have to go for the moment.
I swear we are all married to
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I swear we are all married to the same guy. No joke!!!!
enough is enough!!
Submitted by Visible again on
As I read these posts, I just shake my head and question why we do it for so long?? The reason by my reckoning, is that living with someone else’s mental disorder has a very definite effect on us and our self esteem. If you didn’t grow up in a supportive, loving environment where you learned how valuable you are as a human being then you will attract people who are capable of taking you down with them. My husband too is in these descriptions. I am in the process of divorcing him after 28 years. I educated myself by reading everything I could get my hands on about ADD, personality disorders, depression, etc. Finally a dear friend pointed out to me that whatever he (my husband) has, I have a severe case of co-dependency. There is no shame in it, it just means that I have work to do on myself, which I am currently doing. For me, that work includes setting and maintaining boundaries that are my “have to haves”. Once I clearly delineated what is important to me and shared that with my husband I realized from both his words… but more importantly his actions… that he is not planning to honor my boundaries. He refuses the couples counseling I have asked for, refuses my insistence that he should have a complete psychological evaluation and treatment of any additional disorders and refuses the cognitive behavioral therapy that I believe would help alleviate his most severe coping strategies. So in essence, he has given me the permission I need to leave. I do love him but before this takes any additional physical or emotional toll on me, I have to move on. He can be nice and it does fool me, but without professional help, he cannot sustain it. I’ve seen this long enough and been through enough broken promises to realize that intentions are no better than wishing on a star, even with your fingers crossed.
Best of luck to you all. I feel your pain and share in it, but I choose to end it now and stop wringing my hands over what coulda-shoulda-woulda been. Life is too short to live it in a continual tail spin. Blessings.
Enough...
Submitted by YYZ on
I cannot find any fault in your choice. Everyone has issues, for sure, but marriage is a partnership and if one chooses to ignore the others attempts to improve or maintain the health of the marriage, I would not see any other course of action either.
I wish you well...
YYZ
Visible:
Submitted by DF on
Reading this post is what makes learning very recently about my condition, very hard on me. I have a lot of similarity as YYZ although I'm pretty disorganized and I can finish projects as long as I don't see a squrrel or something. YYZ takes my rabble of brain matter and can articulate what I've been dealing with very well. Like him, I do not have the sever issues many of you have been experiencing, but your hardship is very personal to me. I've hurt my dearest love and I've not been the person I've always hoped I was.
I have come to this sight and have never felt more relieved to just be able to see and maybe understand what my wife has had to live with for so many years. She's tried to tell me that I don't listen and that she's overloaded. I personally take responsibility for her having anxiety issues some time ago, but I did not know this until the past week or two. It kills me.
So reading this post is hard, but I have to speak I guess in defense. I understand your position and you know what's best for you. I'm working hard to open lines of communication with my wife and have struggled with hyperfocusing and it's crowding her. I take each day as a blessing with her. It doesn't seem like much to anybody, but last night I slept on my side facing my wife. She was still working on falling asleep, but laying on her side facing me. It is the first time in 9 months that she did not turn away from me and it was the first time in as long as I can remember, I woke up to my alarm in the morning having not woken up at some point in the night.
I can not tell her how important these small things are for me. I can't tell her much about how I feel. I can't because when I have something to say I can see everything and grab at nothing. Like having all of the answers to a test written on the chalk board, but all the answers are good ones, but I end up spitting out.."Car at street, yellow mailbox, car red..." It frustrates me and I've not seen or understood it until now. I hope it's not too late for me as it sounds like it may be for your husband.
And that's what makes reading your frustration difficult. I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be for my wife and it's a major battle for me to not focus on my failures. I will do anything for her. She's not real happy with me and it took her getting this way for me to really seek out solutions to me. I knew the problem in our marriage is me, but I didn't know why or what to do about it. So now, just being able to be depended on to wake her up gently in the mornings is the greatest single pleasure I'm honored to have.
If your husband is not willing to work with you on himself, I can't argue your decisions and it upsets me in that I don't like being associated with that lack of effort on his part. I'm afraid of taking meds for this because I'm concerned I might get the angry symptom that some people get. That would make my situation far worse than it already is, but I need help. I want to be a better person for my wife and family. I have to earn her back in my life.
Good luck to you Visible. My heart goes out to you today.
More Visible than Black and White
Submitted by YYZ on
After the ADD discovery there is a guilt phase that toggles on and off through the process. You are owning up to the ADD and trying to improve the symptoms. They will always be there, but toned down most of the time.
Nothing is as Black/White, 1/0, On/Off as some would have you think, especially when we speak of a marriage. You stated "I knew the problem in our marriage is me"... Please to not pulverize yourself in this manner. My wife has told me she liked who I was and now I am sort of YYZ v2.0 and there have been adjustments. I know my wife and I had/have issues long before my diagnosis, these concerns were part of the perfect storm of events in sequence that threw my balance off and I was over-whelmed and began having anxiety attacks. Then there was the diagnosis... There was a name to cover some of the problems, but not all of the problems.
Try to take it easy on yourself.
YYZ
So far it isn't getting easier
Submitted by DF on
Reading what Visible says below about her situation and YYZ above..........ugh.
Visible - It's wonderful that you have the gift of sight. It has now been 2 hours since my wife and I sat in the Dr. office with my oldest son and got the diagnosis I was expecting - positive for ADD, possible HD. I felt horrible because of how upset she was. It's hard to be such a caring mother as she is and fighting me for years about getting him checked. I've been in denial, but then until very recently I've thought it was a learning disorder and he's a smart kid. I've been so wrong about so much.
It took every ounce of what I had to remain strong when the doctor talked about the low self esteem. I know this torture personally and so does my son. It's so flippin' hard to deal with, but I always chalked it up to competitive nerves. I'm darn athletic in that I've always been above average in every sport I've ever played ( except golf so I don't play ). I'm used to being the go-to guy in team sports as the guy needed to help win the game. My son is very gifted in this way too. We both have issues in that even if we score the game winning point and everyone tells us how awesome it was, we can't stop beating ourselves up over the one mistake we made 2 minutes into the game and that's what we see in everyone's face when they talk to us.
My wife has put up with my crap for almost 13 years. I do not have the confidence to talk to her. I've written posts about how I'd like nothing more, but I have so much trouble when trying to speak about my feelings with her. If she doesn't look at me when I'm talking I feel like she's not interested in what I have to say and if she does look at me I have to turn away because I worry I'll see disappointment in her eyes. Over the years it has been imagined disappointment and I knew it, but it was still rough going. I'm not thin skinned to anyones guess. I have a strong sense of humor and I'm often the butt end of a lot of jokes just to get people laughing. Nobody would guess my inner storms.
I do hope my wife comes to this sight someday and finds me. I have so much to say that I can't speak and not for lack of effort, I just really can't speak clearly - and that annoys her and causes me inner turmoil. I want her to find me and see that I do care and I do love her very much. I always have. Others have told me to leave notes.......uh that didn't exactly work out well for me 6 months back. After so many years of neglecting her needs I came off as me stalking her. Oops! Not what I meant to happen.
YYZ - About me being the problem in the marriage. Well, it's true. I can best describe it after having seen the movie "500 Days of Summer". The guy was so bent out of shape for having lost his lover and every memory was about how great the relationship was and why did it have to end. It isn't until late in the movie that he comes to grips with the idea that he's only been seeing what he wanted to see and not remembering the bad times that got him where he was at.
Got to be honest with you here. I think of the good times gone bad and I see things I did or said to make them go south. Yes I see good times and hope my wife remembers them too, but every argument I can recall, she was right and I chose to fight to save face instead of aknowledge her. I'm always frowning and many times recall coming across as disinterested in family events. I've been very self centered for a long time and she's been the glue holding a house full of kids together with no support.
I beat myself up because I can't tell her she was right or that I'm sorry. I've tried too, but I can't see how she can believe me. I've been me, in the dark, for so long. I try hard to show her that I'm not in the dark anymore. I see. So I hope she comes to this site so I can finally explain how I feel about her and that ADD is not so much a learning disorder, but a painful existence if gone unchecked.
And as always, my mantra: It's not enough just to show her, she has to believe the change is permanent.
DF and YYZ... I know it
Submitted by Visible again on
DF and YYZ...
I know it must be difficult to be the person with "the problem". I have no doubt you've done your share of self abuse over the situation, as I know my husband has too. For me, it's the utter unwillingness to seek help for the behaviors that are so troubling that is why I cannot remain in the marriage. I have worked toward understanding my husband's ADD and I even believe that at times it can be a real gift in creativity and spontaneity. However, my expectations have been so lowered that I am now the one guilty of self abuse. Anger and resentment should not be part of my life to the extent they have been. I have had to be the steadfast and responsible one, providing financial stability only to watch the things I've worked so hard to earn be carelessly destroyed or lost. Yes a marriage is a partnership and I've been a very good wife. He has not been the husband I thought I was getting when I said "I do".
I bring up leaving as an option for those who are exasperated with their spouses. I also think that many of them potentially have comorbid diagnosis like cyclothymia or narcissism that are undiagnosed. That bears further exploration. I am fortunate because I do have financial stability. I know many other spouses do not. That is, in fact, one reason I've been reluctant to leave... who will take care of him? He can't. I don't want to be a harpie and go on and on listing grievances until I die. I want to move on toward a promising second half of my life and maybe find someone who is willing to trust my judgement and work with me to create the perfectly imperfect relationship.
Best of luck to you both. Your notes warmed my heart and I have great hope that you can overcome your obstacles and in time learn to appreciate your different ways of thinking.
My ADHD/ADD Husband Story
Submitted by txmommycq on
Being able to find other women going through the same thing and reading their stories has been a life saver because I started to think I was going crazy.
My husband has diagnosed ADHD/ADD - diagnosed a child and on Concerta for 4 years now. I've heard all of the horror stories from when he was a child and how out of control he was - how his parents took him to counseling and I've also heard his side, which he confirms the out-of-control part but that he was very misunderstood. We have a 5 year old daughter who has also been showing signs of ADHD (they say it starts late in youth but I disagree. With my husband having ADHD and it being genetic, we've noticed signs since birth that have no other psychological or physical explanation from doctors)and who is very difficult to handle.
I have been with my husband for 6 years now, going on 7. He was married before and divorced. We met about 9 months after his divorce. He is about 7 years older than me but it has never been a problem as we are on the same maturity level. Our relationship was very "quick" and we were married within a year of dating. When we first started dating, he was attentive and sweet and I never had to ask for anything. I could tell he loved me and cared for me just by the way he acted towards me. We had a great sex life and he was always interested. We even waited a month or so into dating before becoming intimate to be sure we weren't clouding feelings with sex. I didn't ever need to seduce him - he always seemed like he couldn't get enough. We fell in love quickly as well with him telling me that he was falling in love with me on our second date. I moved in with him pretty quickly as well. We were married about a year later. I then became pregnant and that's when the problems started happening. He had never wanted kids for fear they would have ADHD like he had and having struggled with it his whole life, he didn't want to chance bringing a child into the world who would also suffer. He started to become more distant. He was downright mean to me. I had a very rough pregnancy too - lots of health problems. We would argue and fight a lot and generally, he just wasn't there for me and was doubting whether or not he could be a father. Our sex life pretty much became non-existent. We probably only had a sex about twice during the entire 9 months. That was his doing too. He always had a "reason." I say excuse but he tells me that "they are not excuse, they are reasons." LOL. It was either having sex while I was pregnant weirded him out or that he felt fat and gross (he too had gained weight with me) and made him not want to have sex because he felt like a "sweaty fat guy" on top of me. Towards the end of my pregnancy, things started to get a bit better and his whole attitude changed the moment I gave birth. He loves our little girl - more than anything in this world, more than me and that's okay with me. He is a great father. After giving birth, he was interested in sex again for a little while but not long. We even were able to get out of the house and go on a date night during the first month after the baby was born and we went to the spot we went on our 2nd date. I thought for sure we would make out a little, talk...but nothing. No intimacy or anything. He was just, seemingly, uninterested. He was no longer the man I met and wanted to marry - he was a different person. I find it funny that other people have mentioned the 2 different personalities on here and hating one of them. That is exactly how I feel - like I have 2 different husbands.
Fast forward 5 years later, and it has been a roller coaster ride. When we first moved to a new state, he started acting weird and I was convinced he was cheating on me. I still am not sure that he hasn't cheated. He was hiding his work schedule, completely different from the guy who used to bring home his work schedule and post it on the fridge so he could remember what time he goes in. He gave me more "reasons" -- that he did it because I wasn't his parent and he didn't want to be treated like a kid so he wasn't going to show me, that he did it because it was too much of a pain to print anymore and he would just put his hours in his phone...yadda yadda yadda. My friends and family all told me to be careful and that he was definitely up to something - most likely cheating. He was not interested in having sex with me at all. I tried lingerie, asking him, really everything - and he would always turn me down. He was either too tired, had a headache, had a stomachache or I did something (usually me asking him what is wrong and why he is acting so different.) to make him mad at me and he can't be intimate with someone he is mad at....it doesn't matter that I am his wife and he loves me. That part I never understood. Or he would say that he just was feeling like he had a lower sex drive lately. Then I find a ton of porn on the computer. Internet history. Some of the porn is work related - like secretary having sex with boss - stuff of that nature and it kind of reinforced the notion I had that he was cheating on me with someone at work. I confronted him about the porn and he denied it and said I had no idea what I was talking about. So I showed him and told him very nicely that it was okay and he could tell me - but that we would have to work on it because he wasn't having sex with me and giving me all these reasons why he didn't want to yet he was looking at porn all of the time. He flipped out at me. Called me all kind of names and even threw a cup of water at me. Still denies it to this day. He tried to say it was a virus - a specific type of virus that gains access of your computer and puts porn on your computer. Like I buy that! I have talked to many computer service places since then and all have said that is impossible. This was found in the internet search history - not in files on the computer. Someone has to actually go and search for those things from our computer. He also tried to snowball the lie and said he called his friend, who owns a computer service/repair business, and that his friend remote logged in to our computer and found the virus and confirmed it. Well I didn't believe him and I asked his friend, who is a mutual friend, and he had no idea what I was talking about. I left for a week or so with our daughter and should have divorced him then but I came back like a moron. He was willing to throw away our marriage over a stupid lie - something I would have forgiven him for had he just been honest.
We tried making it work after that but little things like that happened all of the time. He was still uninterested in sex most of the time. He had periods where our sex life was normal and scarce. I stopped trying to initiate because I was tired of the rejection - so it became that sex is always on his terms - when he wants to. He was unattentive and again, not the guy I married. At the time, I really didn't understand the ADHD part because he had never acted this way while we were dating, and thought it was my fault and that he had stopped loving me. I was also bitter and resentful towards him for the pain I had to endure while I was pregnant and all the crappy things he did to me when he should have been taking care of me and respecting me and I know that reflected in how I treated him - which didn't help our situation. He was still sweet every now and then - leaving me love notes sometimes, surprising me flowers and my favorite candies - just because. Always doing something sweet for me on holidays - always remembering our dating "anniversary" which he initiated as something we celebrated. Year after year though, those sweet little things that kept me hanging on to the relationship, went away one by one. I never get a love note anymore and can't remember the last time he surprised me with something. Just under a year ago, I found out he had been texting a girl he was working with on his WORK phone - purposely - so I wouldn't find out. as mentioned in previous posts, us women have a 6th sense and I could tell there was something going on between this girl and him. She was a couple of years younger than me, had a small child and was going through a divorce with a man she was married to for less than a year. We went to her son's birthday party and she just kept trying to get close to my husband, even though I was there. She was just standing a little bit too close and had that look in her eyes when she looked at him and they were constantly posting on each other's facebook accounts - which was very strange. I mean, it was constant - almost every day and definitely every single time one of them posted a status update. We argued about it a lot - he always swore nothing was going on, that I was crazy, that I needed to be medicated, that I read way too much into things, etc. He said he just saw her where they worked and would talk about kids every now and then because they were the only ones at his place of work who had kids. He also said that he hardly knew her. So I asked the girl myself if there was something going on that I should be concerned about and she said no that her and my husband were just friends and liked to "vent" to each other a lot. Well this was a shock to me because my husband had just gotten finished telling me he never talked to her in passing except about kids and that he hardly knew her! So without giving him details, I caught him off guard and asked him if he had been talking with this girl on his work phone (as I had suspected). He said he had and also on facebook chat and it had been going on for about a month or so. He said it was 1-2x per week, maybe more and maybe less - that he couldn't remember. Well we had a long talk about it. He knew all these details about her divorce but then would say that they never had any kind of deep conversations - that he knew these things because they were conversations had mostly with several other people as well in the break room. Apparently she likes to air her divorce issues to anyone who will listen. What struck me as odd is that he remembered ALL of this stuff but yet couldn't remember to pay a compliment to his wife or do something nice. That night, we decided to get a divorce. He basically chose her over me. I asked him if this "venting" was done about me and he said no, that he never mentioned me to her and that he was purposely ambiguous about me to her because he knew I didn't like her. What?!! I never said I didn't like her - I didn't know her! I said I didn't like their relationship and that it seemed like something was going on. And even if I didn't like her, how does that translate into being ambiguous about his wife with another female, who I still firmly believe, he was inappropriately texting and talking to? He then blamed me. He said it was my fault because I was too crazy about those things and he shouldn't have had to text her on his work phone but felt he had to since I would have gotten upset if I had known. So you lie and sneak and it's my fault? Is that the self-absorbed part? Well, a day later, he decided he didn't want a divorce anymore and seemingly came clean to me on everything. Said nothing ever happened between her and him, that he never talked bad about me to her and that there was nothing there and he wasn't attracted to her and didn't have a crush on her - that it was just stupid and they were just friends. I'm sorry - I still don't believe that. You wouldn't have to hide it if that was the case. Our relationship started to get much better- way better than it had been in years. He was attentive again and said sweet things and went out of his way to make sure he knew how he felt about me and our sex life was better - finally!
Now our relationship is back to sucking again. No sex life - it's always something. When I ask about it, I get called crazy and he sees nothing wrong with having sex 1 time every 2 weeks - if that. The dating "anniversary" that he initiated celebrating - he forgot this past year. I didn't. He said he felt bad but didn't try and make up for it. I have lupus and he has yet to read about it or listen to me about it and the things I struggle with on a daily basis. He is not a support system at all. He is helpful in the sense where he tries to help me relax and helps with the dishes and folding laundry and doing little handyman stuff around the house. That stuff I have never had a problem with really. Although, he only does stuff around the house that he wants to do. I think with ADHD and ADD there is a twinge of OCD there, and for him, that is cars and now it's handyman stuff. He has 1 day off during the week and 1 weekend day off. That 1 day off during the week, our daughter is in school so he has free range to do whatever he wants. He will take care of the yard, fix cars, work on stuff on the house, paint - all stuff that bothers him and that HE wants to get done but NEVER tries to help me by vacuuming, mopping the floors, cooking dinner or taking some stuff off of my plate - even if I ask him to. I work full time and drive in rush hour traffic both on my way to work and on my way home. I don't get home until after 5:30 at night and immediately start cooking dinner for everyone - before I even change or sit down. My weekends consist of entertaining our daughter and doing all my chores (laundry, cleaning the house, grocery shopping)- which I love staying home with her and playing with her - but my point is I never get a break or just a day or an hour to myself. And he doesn't seem to care much. He will offer to do things sometimes but he only offers because he knows I will say not to worry about it. He is all fluff. I sent him a link of some jewelry I liked (he wanted ideas for our wedding anniversary) and they were bad quality but it was the style I liked - I did that on purpose so he would hopefully take some initiative and find something on his own. Did he? Nope. He ordered the crappy jewelry directly from the link - no time or initiative spent on it. On our wedding anniversary, we had the day off together. There was no intimacy. He had a chance too - nothing happened. We went and did the activity we planned- floating the river together - and had lunch together but it was empty. He was playing on his phone, per the usual, during lunch instead of talking to me (later on I was blamed for that because I was reading the drink menu and ignoring HIM according to him). Then he said he had to go to the bathroom and disappeared for about 30 minutes. I suspect he went into the bathroom to talk to this girl again...he was gone for a while. He said his stomach was bothering him and he was just on the toilet for a long time. I don't buy it. That was just weird. Later that night, I thought he had planned a romantic night since he had bought a bottle of wine. All I ever ask for is never gifts - but just a little romance - things he has done before. Just a bubble bath together and a glass of wine. Apparently not. He had nothing planned. He was waiting for me to direct him. I got upset and started crying and instead of hugging me, he just continued to verbally assault me and tell me I'm crazy. That is how I spent our 5 year wedding anniversary. Crying. And he could have cared less.
I catch him in little lies all of the time and I have no idea why he lies. He comes home from work early and sends me texts saying he is still working....but yet I can't find any reason why he would lie about coming home early. It seemed he was just looking up cars to buy (we are looking to buy a new car) on the internet. When he gets caught, he gets angry at me and instead of fessing up, starts telling me I'm not his parent and that I'm a "snoop." I am a snoop but I have to be with him because I can never get a straight answer out of him.. That is my downfall - if something doesn't make sense to me or seems like a lie to me, I will figure it out for myself. And yes, sometimes I am wrong but I just can't trust him. And again, something other people have mentioned here, focuses on the fact that I snooped to figure it out, instead of the fact that he lied and why he lied to me! It's all my fault even though he is lying?! Then I get the cold shoulder for a day or two - and I just want to know why he is lying to me. Go figure. He never texts me anymore during his work day - even though he used to. He says he is too busy and no longer likes texting. He used to like it when I would send him dirty texts too (in an effort to turn him on and try and get a sex life going) but a few months ago, all of sudden, told me he hates it and always has because it's an informal way of communication and that he would rather I talk dirty to him in person. Never seemed to bother him before! Whenever I am crying and upset, he ignores me. I never get a hug or consoled - just yelled at and called names. He says it is because I am always upset about something he is doing or not doing and it gets old after a while and why would he want to hug or console a person he is mad at. He lies all of the time in social situations - god knows what people he work with think about me. He does it because I can see he feels the need to fit and be cool having struggled with it so much growing up. He conforms his personality according to those around him at the time. He doesn't like alcohol much and hates bars and clubs and beer always gives him a stomach ache, but yet I have seen emails to people saying they should go grab a beer or go to a bar sometime and I've seen people he work with call him a "party animal." Just makes me wonder who he is when I'm not around and the lengths he goes to get people to like him. And he has probably been to parties and bars without me and lied to me about it - told me he was working late or something. Wouldn't put it past him at all. I am almost convinced he is cheating on me too. I have never expected anything out of him that he hasn't given to me at one point in time - there is a reason I married him. But now, it is like pulling teeth to get him to do anything nice. I understand he is not a mind reader, but I shouldn't have to ask for every single thing. I shouldn't have to ask him to have sex with me or compliment me or do something nice for me every now and then or appreciate me. He seems to need convincing to have sex with me - he said I need to ask him because he doesn't know. So we can go a month without being intimate, and I still need to ask him? He doesn't feel any desire to be with me? I have to tell him what to do word for word on anniversaries and Christmas? Really? He never needed prompting before. But then he says nothing is wrong - that it is all in my head and it is all me. That it is not his problem. I know I'm not crazy anymore, although I thought so for a while. He even had me believing that I needed anxiety medication until i went to a doctor and the doctor told me nothing was wrong with me at all and didn't need any medicine - that I was feeling anxious rightfully over a failing marriage and husband who doesn't seem to give a damn. We also used to go on date nights more frequently - his parents live right down the street from us and would watch our daughter every couple of months or so for a date night and never seemed to mind. They love their granddaughter. We haven't been on one in quite some time and he relies on me to just take a day off of work to spend with him when he has his weekday off. He hasn't asked his parents to watch her in a long time...he says it is because it makes him uncomfortable and he feels like he is putting them out. I fail to see how asking a couple of weeks in advance and not the last minute is an inconvenience...and only every few months? Sounds like an excuse to me but then he goes on and says how he would love to have a date night with me but we just "can't." I'm not buying that either. If he wanted to, he would ask his mom. He has no problem asking them to borrow their truck for something, borrow tools or anything else but asking his mom to watch our daughter for a couple of hours a couple of times a year is suddenly a problem? And no, it's not his mom. She has no problem with it. Then he asks me why I don't ask them myself......again, it has gotten to the point where he just wants me to do everything. He makes no effort to take a day off to spend with me or coordinate a date for us - that I think we desperately need- he just wants me to do everything and says as much too. And I'm crazy for thinking that is crazy. And when he is angry with me, over me trying to tell him our marriage is failing usually and trying to talk about it and fix it, I can tell just by how he acts and he will deny it and HE KNOWS exactly what he is doing. He is just distant and cold - and he tries to tell me he isn't and that he didn't SAY that so therefore it can't be. I feel like I am in a nightmare. I agree with the other poster that I have gotten to the point where I love my husband deeply but hate that other side of him. I really do think of him now as 2 different people and it's so bizarre. I have no idea what to do and I don't think I'm cut out for being his wife anymore. I can't trust him and that's not fair to him because even when he is telling the truth, I second guess him because he has told so many white lies about stupid, stupid stuff - I never know what he is going to lie about now. I just feel like I deserve more - and am starting to wonder what it feels like to be in relationship with someone who truly loves me and what it would feel like to just be appreciated and cared about - what it would feel like to be hugged when I'm sad and be listened to when I want to talk. And what it would feel like to actually be desired - I can stand naked for several minutes in front of my husband, putting lotion on (and I have not gained any weight at all - pregnancy weight came right off- I am in the same shape I was before we got married and he was a lot more interested), and he won't even look at me. He is more interested in the computer or what he is watching on TV.
I wonder if he was so attentive in the beginning because of that "hyper-focus" I have heard about in ADHD/ADD partners. They are hyper-focused initially, then revert back to normal after a while. I don't know. I am so confused and I'm trying to understand and research ADHD/ADD but while I see a lot of other people going through what I am now, his behavior just always seems to come back to that he is cheating on me or just doesn't love me anymore (even though he SWEARS he does). I feel your pain everyone and I hope we can all get through this - it's so hard and not something I think any one of us envisioned for our marriage.
I feel your pain!
Submitted by Mary_RN on
I am so glad I am not the only one that experiencing the lying! My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and we have both been diagnosed with ADD. First I started noticing the little lies. Hell it wasn't even lying to me! But it seemed like every other sentence out of his mouth to other people. Then, the more I got to know him, his stories didn't add up. And over the stupidest things! I could not understand why he would risk ruining my trust over the small stuff.
Then the lies got bigger. Now it seems like he spends half his time covering up stuff. Deleted text messages, friendships, etc. We both work in health care and it makes me kinda worried about him being in a female dominated world. I know exactly what goes on behind closed doors at hospitals. Well about a month ago my trust was shattered. I have been slowly working on rebuilding it but he still hides things to "not make me jealous or angry". But at this point, it's the hiding, lying, and secrecy that hurts. In our field, women constantly throw themselves at men coworkers. Affairs are more the norm than fidelity in a hospital. I worry that one day, the temptation will be too much again.
I can't help the thoughts from popping in my head (yay for ADD) but they won't leave fast enough. I've never been the "psycho girlfriend" type but I worry that I am becoming one. I hate these feelings and they won't seem to leave. But when I bring up my feelings and try to talk them through with him, he just blows up. I don't understand how convey to him to stop the lying in a way that makes sense to him. Help! Any ideas?
I had a BF in college that was this way..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When I was 20, I had a BF in college that was like this. I didn't notice it at first because I didn't know that some of the things he was telling me were lies. But, as time went on, and I met his family, so many stories didn't add up.
many of the lies were about things that there was NO REASON to lie about. The lies weren't "to stay out of trouble"....they were just lies that somehow "made him feel better" about himself.
As the lies started revealing, I became concerned. At first I didn't want to be rude and say, "hey, you told me this, but your family says _____. Why did you tell me a lie?" After awhile, I did start calling him out. With people like this, once "you're onto them," then they must get rid of you. These types can't bear to be exposed. We broke up soon after. He then shocked everyone by suddenly getting engaged to an 18 year old that he barely knew (they had dated for TWO WEEKS! too soon for her to know the truth).
Long story short ~ That marriage ended due to his ADHD Bi-Polar lying.
I ran into him a few years ago (30 years after we had dated), and he began telling me some whopper stories that I knew could not be believable.
My own H tells some pretty tall tales, but he really thinks he's telling the truth. If I experience something with him (say some odd thing happened at a store), and we talk about it in the car, laughing about it, and maybe I'll say something like, "that was so weird, I wouldn't have been surprised if the store clerk had _________" Well, if H tells that story again to someone, he'll include my tidbit as if it really happened!
Anyway...to answer your question...you can't stop it. knowing what I know now, I should have left this relationship a long time ago.