Just a lil update. The dh and I are still making progress, the weekend went well with minimal problems. We took his daughter back to her mom's and saw family while we were down there, I went and hung out with my mom and he hung out with his brother and mom. He even wore his wedding ring for the entire weekend....amazing for him seeing he used to complain it bothered him. He was pretty crabby on the way home (3 hours one way in the vehicle), but when I mentioned it he DIDN'T blow up!! He thought about it for a minute, told me "yeah I guess I am a little short tempered today" and then told me that he really misses his family and didn't want to leave. WOW, is all I can say because he would NEVER have done that it the past, he would have told me that he was fine and I had the issue.
So here is my issue...as minor as it may seem. He starts back to college on the 29th and I'm scared to death. He went and got his books yesterday for class and ordered a laptop too (laptops have NOT been a good thing for him because 1. he tends to drop them, or eat while using them and they die, hes had two already. 2. he has, in the past used laptops to carry on relationships outside the marriage and to keep things from me) 3. he will take the laptop in the bedroom and disappear for hours. He then made arrangements to buy a used truck from a friend (1. we can barely cover basic insurance on the vehicle we have not to mention the extra gas. 2. When he has a vehicle and doesn't have to be on a schedule for picking me up from work, he "forgets" to come home). And he told me that he is applying for a job on campus (I really don't think he can handle the classwork load, his internship and a part time job!!), he is already on academic probation from last semester. Truly I understand he needs to be independent and make his own decisions, but I just cant stop my stomach from churning....I just cant see good things coming from any of this!!!!!!
I guess I'm a little pissed too because when I went back to school I had to fight him for it, as he didn't like the program (I am now a certified Holistic Health Practitioner) I picked because he thinks its "fake" and "a waste of money". Also my truck got repo'd because I couldn't pay his bills and my truck payment too and the laptop he "bought" me for my birthday had to go back because instead of buying it outright he got it from a rent to own place (so he didn't have to spend all his money) and he couldn't make the payments. So as petty as it may sound, its like he is getting to have everything he wants and I get whats left over.
Thoughts, ideas, advice....I will take any of it!!!!
These little 'gnawing' things
Submitted by SherriW13 on
These little 'gnawing' things are exactly what keep me 'stuck' a lot of the time. Reality is, it is borrowing trouble, solves nothing by worrying about it, and is far more healthy FOR ME (and YOU) to just let him go and let him make his own decisions and suffer his own set of consequences. (even if they include losing you/me) I have spent far too many years trying to save him from himself. In the past I would try to figure out ways to get him not to get the laptop, or somehow try and control his usage of it just to keep him from cheating. (if I were you, in your situation). In the past I would fight tooth and nail to 'control' everything just to make myself feel better and get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach. Then, with the help of friends I realized two things. Automatically assuming he would do the worst, regardless of the past, was the wrong approach. Instead, accepting that he is going to do what he wants, when he wants, no matter how much I try to control him, and just letting him GO and learn to function and be responsible for his own decisions is best. Also, if he hears often enough that I don't trust him (have to stop reminding him of this!!!ugh!!!) then it essentially takes the responsibility off of him. Let him go out into the world believing that I have faith in him that he'll do the right thing (come home on time, not be unfaithful, respect his marriage in everything he does and says) then the responsibility is on him.
I understand about finances being very tight and the affordability factor of another vehicle. Just be sure, if you decide to try and change his mind, that it really is for valid reasons and not just because you want to have more control over him. It does not happen overnight, but you need to start the process of letting him go out into the world on his own terms, trusting (hoping, praying!) that he'll do the right thing. You have to let go. You have to somehow find some faith in him that if you just stop ALL attempts to manipulate and control him that he won't destroy the marriage. He will make mistakes, we all do, but hopefully they won't be as bad as the past.
Exactly...
Submitted by needsalifeline on
Sherri...you have hit the nail on the head once again! I do have to let go...but its sooooo damn hard! I should be happy that he is making positive changes and bettering himself, but I seem to be stuck on pause and not able to make that leap with him. Due to alot of stuff from growing up and then stuff with him, I have this "need" to know whats going on at all times (yes I'm like that with everyone, I always have to have a plan)...yeah probably a little co-dependent too :) And I worry constantly about everything, yeah I know thats not healthy either, but once again I feel like I always have to be one step ahead of whatever may happen, for damage control. When he was working I knew where he was and what he was doing...now its like I have no idea and it drives me nuts. One part of me wants to believe he will do the right thing and the other is waiting for a bomb to drop.
As far as another vehicle goes, there is NO way we can afford the insurance and gas for another one (I work full time, but only at minimum wage, so after they take out for health insurance and taxes, we live on less than $1000 a month). Not to mention that it makes absolutely no sense for the two of us to drive separate vehicles when we are going to the same town at the same times. My job is right on his way to school and I work the same hours he has class, so I cant see where dropping me off and then picking me up is a big deal! As it stands we can barely cover the one vehicle we have, so he can go ahead and buy it but, its his a@@ if he gets caught with it. He's getting a student loan this semester to "help with gas and the bills" but I highly doubt it will ever even see the checking account (thats how he plans to buy the truck). I figure he will get the check and it will be gone in a week on stupid shit he doesn't need or he will loan it out to friends that will never pay him back. His friends are good at taking advantage of his willingness to help them.
I guess time will tell....thinking I need a crystal ball! :)
Surreal reading this... It is
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Surreal reading this...
It is very hard to let go. It has been a very long, painful process for me chock full of mistakes, backslides, and the worst part is the anxiety and panic I sometimes feel. God's honest truth..what I keep reminding myself..is that for YEARS I killed myself trying to control every aspect of his life. For years I would think "I am doing this FOR him because I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but if he doesn't stop this I cannot be with him and then he'll be unhappy..so essentially I'm controlling him for his own good". It really wasn't about the money he spent yesterday or the money he spent 6 months ago, it was about my overwhelming fear that it would be never ending. It wasn't about him wanting to go over to his friends house to play music today. It was about the fear that he'd go today and then want to go tomorrow and then that wouldn't be enough so he'd go another day and another day. In 2009 he added a whole new dimension to that fear by cheating. Now I am compelled to manipulate his feelings and control him with my anger to keep him from cheating again. I look into the future and see all of these horrible scenarios and they are exacerbated by his impulse control issues...and my co-dependency...and my fears.
BUT...BIG BIG BIG BUT...did all of that controlling and worrying and needing to feel like I was staying one step ahead of him (this is an illusion...for the most part) keep me from getting hurt? Did it keep him from behaving in ways that were devastating to our marriage? NO..and NO. My Momma didn't raise a fool. She might have raised someone who takes a little longer to 'get it' than most, but IF WHAT YOU'RE DOING ISN'T WORKING, DO SOMETHING ELSE!! So, the process to even start making progress with this 'letting go' thing has been slow coming...but it's coming. I didn't expect the grief and anger I felt going into it. I did expect anxiety and fear...and those are bad. I suggest a friend/family member that is supportive who can talk you down when you're feeling like you're going to 'go there'. I have one...she has saved me from myself many times. I'm finally getting to where I can save myself and then tell her how proud I am afterwards. She always just gently reminds me that the old ways of doing things, getting sucked in, do not work. For example: recently he left here at 9 p.m. on a Monday night to go to his friend's house to play music..he plays guitar. I immediately wanted to text him all of these horrible things to manipulate him and make him feel bad so that he would come back home and my overwhelming fear that he was out doing something horrible would be put to rest. I panicked almost the minute he walked out the door...feels like anger initially, but it is panic/fear. I just didn't. I knew that I was only wanting to 'punish' him because of the fears I was feeling. I knew that in the past that approach did NOT work...actually led to him staying out that much later, if not all night. I said nothing. I took a bath. I cried. I panicked. I cried some more. Then I got over it and settled in bed with the remote and found something funny to watch. He was home barely an hour and a half later. These are victories..to me.
Your entire first paragraph is basically about nothing but you wanting to control him. You think you NEED to, but the reality is what you NEED is to STOP. It is unreal how much of that I experience/have experienced myself. I worry chronically because he has created an environment in our home where something always 'goes wrong'...there is always another shoe waiting to drop. Affairs, addictions, arguments. What will he want to buy next that we cannot afford? Will he come home? Will he do something stupid and risk his job? Will he promise things to his daughter (my SD) that we cannot produce and somehow make me come up looking like the bad guy because we can't? Will today be the day that he gives up on the marriage and cheats again? Where did that extra money he had go? Is he self-medicating again? Is he really working late or cheating? Why does he not want to have sex...is he cheating? Why is he all of the sudden really interested in sex...is he cheating and trying to cover it up? Who does all of this hurt? Me. My kids. Him, indirectly...because it fuels my anger (which is fueled by fear). It helps nothing. NOTHING.
So, I still have the thoughts...I still have the worries...and I still start sending shitty text messages before I can stop myself sometimes but at least I have identified the issue and have a goal..and am able to calm my own fears sometimes now where I was never able to before. Realizing that it was a complete lie I was telling myself...that I HAD to do it..was the first step. Second, realizing that the illusion that it worked was another step. Third, realizing that when I do manage to 'let go' my whole world does not crumble at my feet was next. Fourth, realizing that sometimes, miraculously he behaves better when I 'let go' was another step. Lastly, I realized that even if he ends up making decisions that destroy our marriage, I will be OK. Oddly, in some deep dark corner of my mind I think our marriage stands a better chance of survival by me letting him stand on his own decisions and walk in this world of his own volition. I hope you are able to come to this same way of thinking and just let the chips fall where they may for him. I feel you have every right to say "I am worried about how we will be able to afford insurance and fuel for a second vehicle" but I can promise you he'll probably tell you that's why he's going back to work and he'll end up getting the truck anyway if he's already gotten as far as you say he has in the process (loan, etc.) I would let him get the job, let him get the truck, let the expense of the truck be 100% his responsibility, and just make it clear to him that is how it will have to be...for strictly financial reasons.
Letting go...
Submitted by needsalifeline on
Yes Sherri, I think I fall into the "a little longer to get it" category too. I have always felt the need to be one step ahead of the game, my entire life. So it stands to reason that when it all went south with my dh I continued the process. He has made the comment in the past that I will find something to worry about even when there is nothing wrong. Of course I argued with him about that, but now thinking about it, yeah I do...oops. I do think "letting go" would be easier had he not cheated on me, it literally haunts me even though I am trying very hard to get past it and realize that it had more to do with his lack of impulse control than with me. But every time he gets a phone call, goes online, comes home late....my mind immediately jumps to "what if". With the most recent affair he was planning on leaving me and moving in with her (he denies he was going to leave and says he was never intended to actually do it, but I have seen conversations and I'm not dumb). So I guess this has me guessing too with the job and truck, again waiting for the bomb to drop. I know I will be ok no matter what happens (I have restarted my life from scratch twice before I even met him), but I love my dh and I don't want him to leave, so I set myself up for another round of what can I do to make it so he doesn't go.
Right now I'm dealing with the fact that he is mad as hell because we owe his old therapist $2500 (their version, I say it isn't that much) for "counseling we didn't need" (really? cause when you are having anger management problems and cheating on your wife I think there is problems), he was fine with going until the counselor told him he was wrong. Then he stopped going and now its all my fault once again, because we are in debt. So now he is going to quit school and go back to the job he hated cause I ran up a bill we cant pay. Ugggg...so much for progress!
Boy he knows how to push your
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Boy he knows how to push your buttons, no? Quitting school is his 'go to' threat. Eventually you will just need to say "whatever you decide to do, it is your decisions and you will have to deal with the consequences" and let him do what the hell ever he feels he has to do.
Girlfriend, you don't have to tell me...my marriage is still in recovery (or is it ICU??) from an affair my husband had from Sept-Nov of 2009. I know all to well how it adds another layer of hell to the 'letting go' process. When he is hurt and wants to hurt me his 'go to' thing is to leave. Not tell me where he's going..or make up some lame excuse..and leave. He KNOWS it is hurtful and he knows that it is the single most damaging and destructive thing he can do to our marriage right now..but he does it anyway. His decision, and the consequences will be his as well. There is NOTHING I can do (or you can do) to stop them from cheating. I had this illusion that if I just kept him happy enough at home that he would never have any need to cheat, but the simple truth of the matter is that when he goes to 'that place' that he goes to when he feels justified in cheating or feels that the only way to make himself feel better is to cheat it is COMPLETELY out of my control. I was being very supportive of his situation...job loss, dying mother...when he started the affair in 2009. I was pregnant with our daughter and we had only been married 6 months when he cheated the other time...and things were 'honeymoon' for us at that point. Both times he went down the dark hole of ADHD and nothing I said or did changed the course of history...changed his horrible decisions. Nothing I can do now can change them either. Counseling was an absolute MUST when I took him back after his last affair...and I haven't even had the energy (time or money either!) to go. I think I am ready again.
Last night I went to my sister's for dinner. He is never home before 9...10...11...1 a.m. anymore. What was the harm? My sister's husband works out of town and she is alone during the week. She invited two friends over from high school as well...we were all good friends..so it was like a little reunion. Good times. Nothing more than good food and good company. I told him I was leaving...told him I loved him (through text, he was still at work)..no response except "OK". At around 10:15 he texted and asked if I was coming home. I said "yes, honey..will be leaving soon." "going to bed" "Ok, goodnight. I love you" "goodnight". (twice he's not told me I love you in return...he would GO OFF if I did that to him) Still, I am not making a big deal of it, not getting mad. I know it is his ADHD getting the best of him..his meds have worn off...and he's being an ass. I didn't leave until around 11:30. I still do not understand the text he sent me right before I pulled in the driveway, but best I can figure, he was under the impression I had left him and was not coming home. "if you're not coming home, just say so. You would never be out this late with the kids". I told him I was almost home and nothing more. When I got home I helped my daughter do her homework and got her and my son in the bed. By the time I got everyone settled it was after midnight. I went to go to bed and my son had a seizure. I went to sit with him and as I am in his room my husband gets up, gets dressed, says he is going into the office and will be home later. Obviously FURIOUS. I just simply said "OK" and let him go. He texted a little bit later saying he was going to get something to eat and would be at the office a while. He got home at either 5:45 or 4:45 I don't remember which. I have no idea why he reacted the way he did...why he would leave in the middle of the night...and why he would intentionally do something that he knows is destroying my ability to learn to trust him again. It was intentional. It was with complete malice. It was completely unjustified and wrong. Although it is one of my greatest wishes, and always in my prayers to God, that he stop doing things to further damage my ability to trust him, I know that it is out of my control and nothing I do will stop him. It has crossed my mind more than once since he left last night that he was maybe cheating..maybe he was with someone else. He SWEARS he will never ever cheat on me again..that he was in such a low place that he never wants to be there again. But even if I believe that, it doesn't change the fact that he is hell bent on making me feel he 'might' be and using it to hurt me. I guess this is part of why I feel we need to get back into counseling...my trust issue isn't getting better, he's doing nothing to help (Sorry, but if you screw up that bad then you jump through flaming hoops UNTIL you make it right), and I cannot imagine being intimate with him. He's lashing out at me HARD and I really am not sure why. I am still shocked and saddened by the way he behaved last night...but his decision, his consequences. I can't save him from himself anymore.
So sorry Sherri, i cant even
Submitted by Pjloops on
ICU
Submitted by needsalifeline on
Sherri I would say ICU.....and I seem to be in the same hospital with you. I'm so sorry that your dh is being like that....I know how much it has to hurt. ~~HUGS~~
My dh has started hanging out with the same group he hung out with 2 years ago when he was self medicating and cheating...so I get the feeling that here shortly he will completely give up on us again (he was over there for a couple hours last night and when he got home he couldn't sleep or settle down). He went totally off all the meds including the ones for his depression (which is getting bad again) and he hasn't seen his personal counselor since classes ended in July, so hes barely hanging on. As hard as it will be to let him go I think its the end...not for lack of me trying or lack of me loving him. He simply is willing to throw his whole life away to "start over" and "find someone he hasn't messed up with", he cant see that we could have a fresh start and from here on out have a good relationship. He is positive that "this isn't the life he was meant to live" and so I have to watch him go (maybe someday he will figure out what he has lost...but probably not).
I sooooo get your point on the not being able to save them from themselves. As much as we would like to be able to!
I am so sorry to hear
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I am so sorry to hear this...any chance it is just an over reaction on his part..AGAIN..and that he's settled down by now?
I know for my DH, ridding himself of the 'bad' group of friends was crucial in him moving forward. If he were to start hanging out with some of the friends he used to (pretty much everyone he knew!) I would be in the same place as you...feeling like he was giving up. You may know the story of what happened when my DH stopped ADHD meds abruptly (in Feb)...cliff notes: he unraveled and retreated to the den for many weeks and completely checked out on me and the kids. Once he started to feel better and emerge from the pits of hell, it seems I lost it myself. I stayed strong (tried to anyway) for the kids and had so much going on that I literally was just going through the motions. When he wanted to waltz back in like nothing had happened, I had already built 8 foot tall steel walls and they are still up. We are in ICU on the ventilator...but I am trying to take things one step at a time. He just recently started seeing a psychiatrist and has started meds again. They completely changed him the last time...and made him hostile and very disagreeable. Since he's making every effort not to be home, I don't have a good idea of how they are doing him this go around..it has only been 2 weeks.
He does sound like he is chasing rainbows and will never be able to find happiness for long because it seems running from his problems is his way of solving them. My husband does this too...and this is why he's cheated twice. He thinks the grass will be greener, but finds out within about 2 weeks that it isn't, and we're all left to pick up the pieces. I insisted he get help to figure out why he does that...and we ended up with the ADHD diagnosis and 14 months later we're still pretty much at square one. He insists he'll never cheat again...and I know he believes that...but that isn't my reality. My reality is that when he 'goes there', i.e. gives up on the marriage...things get to be too much and he just decides he wants out...my feelings do not matter in the least. My gut tells me that he's coming unglued from stopping all of his meds the way he did...but I'm not thinking that is something you can focus on and worry about. If he's convinced he'd be happier somewhere else, I would let him go too. I've decided that I will either be 100% what my husband wants or I will not be a part of his life.
(((HUGS))) No matter what happens, I hope you can find some peace and reasons to laugh through the pain.
Sherri
If only we could just move!
Submitted by needsalifeline on
Yes Sheri, the friends are a BIG part of the problem! Unfortunately they live within several houses of us, so avoiding them is impossible. I would love to move, but we own the place and I don't know anyone that will buy a 35 year old, half remodeled trailer. So until I can find a much better paying job, we are stuck. :( Check out my post for today, things are unraveling quick.....