verbal abuse from ADD spouse

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sun, 02/22/2009 - 09:59

My ADD spouse had extreme anger issues, also. In fact, in our 27 years of marriage, I can never remember him not being angry about something and that something could be anything! We fought often but without resolve because of our lack of communication. It wasn't until a major blowup, when "I" totally lost it, which was not my style, I'm usually very calm, cool and collected and not a fan of confrontation, that our communication with each other changed. It broke the ice, that for many years I was afraid to, because of having to deal with his reaction. Well, as a result, I think it put him in a state of shock, that somebody was standing up to him. That hadn't happened in a long time. Our better communication allowed us to talk about his anger(same as your's: driving recklessly with me in the vehicle, throwing things, punching holes in walls, slamming doors) and me asking him the question, If these aren't signs of anger then what are they? I was able to let him know that because of this I had lost my respect for him many, many years ago. He did begin going to therapy and his anger issues were one of the first things they began working on. I think sometimes they abuse us even if the anger has nothing to do with us, just because we're there and they are in a comfort zone where nobody else can see. They must own up for their behavior. My husband's therapist had him watch a series of tapes on anger and even though I was not a part of that, it helped him tremendously. While we are still working through this ADD journey, dealing with the anger issues was a major hurdle that we have conquered and my respect for my husband is increasing on a daily basis. I have told him that and I hope that he feels good about it. Respect is very important in a relationship, both ways, and without it can lead to a path of destruction.

Verbal Abuse

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun, 02/22/2009 - 14:10

You are doing many things right, and I commend your efforts as well as your approach. It sounds to me as if your absolute best bet for recovery is anger therapy for your husband, just as newfdog's wife writes about with her husband (see below). As you have stated, you should pursue fixing this immediately, before it hurts you further.

When he apologizes to you, what do you say? I'm hoping that it's something like "I appreciate that you care enough about me to try to apologize, but I must tell you that because this is a recurring event in our household, your ongoing actions are more important to me right now than your apology. You need to take responsibility for getting your anger under control. I so look forward to being able to treat you with the love and respect you deserve, but find that your anger is hurting me so much that I can't get past it. Please take care of your anger so that we can start to have a more normal life again."

As for the sex, I think it probably is a reflection of your underlying issues as a couple. Interactions can change there without your realizing it. Perhaps you are unconsciously doing what I was doing...I found that the dynamics of our sexual relationship shifted subtly when we were fighting...I would wait for my husband to "prove" to me that he cared about me through taking charge in sex, (rather than the more even back and forth we had had before) so I backed away a bit and as a result he focused more on himself then I blamed him for not being interested in satisfying me, and things got worse....

Anyway, you need an "objective" third party to help your husband understand your hurt...so please find a marriage counselor who understands ADD.

verbal abuse

Submitted by jgsmom on Sun, 02/22/2009 - 16:22

Thanks so much, both of you for your advice and support. To answer your question Melissa, yes. When he apologizes I always say I do appreciate the apology but I need to see action. He says he understands, but the viscous circle keeps on spinnin'.

This week-end we had a bit of an intervention, his parents had long talks with us and are very supportive, they seem to really understand my hurt but my husband seems to be completely missing the point. If I were him, I would be remorseful, apologetic, and thankful that my spouse has been strong enough and loved me enough to stick around and work on this. I would be doing everything in my power to show them how sorry I am, and with every chance I had to show them evidence of how hard I am working to resolve this problem. My husband says the words " I am sorry" and "I take full responsibility for my anger" BUT then, in the same breath, he says that I shouldn't forget that it took two of us to get here and that he has resentments of his own about me!!! Am I crazy or is that completely unbelieveable?? This does not sound like he really understands what has happened, or that he is accepting resposibility at all? How am I supposed to have hope that this is going to change if this is what he thinks?

Question for all ADD/ADHDers about abuse/anger

Submitted by Steph on Mon, 02/23/2009 - 08:48

I truly appreciate the frank and honest posts from all of you. I have learned a great deal from you and have tried to be more understanding toward my ADHD husband based on that. I would really like to hear from those of you ADDers who have those anger and abuse issues that many non-add spouses (including me) are writing about. Could you explain or describe what it is like for you either hearing from a hurt spouse how you have disrespected/hurt/abused them again or if you do recognize that anger and abuse in yourself as you are doing it...what is that like for you??? Are you on medication for that specific symptom? Does it work? What helps? Please help me understand this side of my husband. He is not as self aware as many of you are in your postings. Please help me help him. I really want to understand this!

Thank you and God bless!

Steph

Verbal Abuse Response

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon, 02/23/2009 - 10:32

Hmmm... The answer I'm going to give you may not be the one that you want to hear, but here goes...

I would take his response as an opportunity to say "let's talk about this". Your husband IS missing the point, or at least part of it, but until he thinks you are hearing him then he is likely to keep on missing the point. My husband says that the absolute hardest thing about being a person with ADD and making a better marriage is figuring out that your actions really, truly are hurting your spouse...and how much. When he says this, what he means is both understanding that your actions hurt someone AND understanding that only he is responsible for them (not you). You can see this in other posts on the site...one recently, for example, with an ADD person who is hurt that his wife has left him after 15 years and now, finally, sees how badly he has hurt her. It takes a lot to have the person get this revelation.

That said, I observe that the non-ADD spouse is also often complicit in not fully seeing her own role in how the couple isn't getting along. Sometimes this is a matter of mis-matched perceptions. The non-ADD spouse may be trying to be helpful when suggesting ideas for getting around ADD issues (for example) while the ADD spouse sees it as stepping all over his authority and completely intrusive behavior. It's important that you listen to your spouse's cries of "you're contributing to our pain" just as readily as you would like him to listen to yours. Else you are asking him to listen at the same time that you are unwilling to do so...not a great example to set.

Your husband's response deserves respect in that he obviously has something he wants to bring to your attention. How he does so is important. Make sure he's constructive (not dumping on you) and thoughtful, and give his ideas full consideration. Then, reverse roles. Give him your perspective in a thoughtful way, and ask that he give you full consideration.

A therapist who understands ADD could be very helpful with this, as could (maybe) your in-laws (depending upon how involved they want to be) though be wary of relying on them too much, as they have their own baggage. Also, hold your husband to his words about taking full responsibility for his anger. He needs to not only own it - he needs to actively do something about it before it further hurts your relationship. Point out that if he truly does take responsibility for it then he shouldn't be blaming others for its origin. (By listening to his thoughts, by the way, you strengthen your hand in this argument, because when he comes back at you and says "you make me angry" you can say "yes, I heard you say that and I understand your points better now...and I'm now working hard to make sure I don't do that anymore...time for you to do your share, too.")

Hope this helps.

Thank you.... I needed that

Submitted by jgsmom on Mon, 02/23/2009 - 15:07

Thank you.... I needed that validation. " Yes, he is missing the point" "He does not understand how much he has hurt me/us" and "understanding that only he is responsible for his actions that have been so damaging."

If he really understood these things it would be so much easier to have confidence that this time things really are different, things might really change. I guess only time will tell. Also, yes, I have read so much about A.D.D lately that I am sure that I tell him things about his A.D.D in an effort to help him recognize things. I can see how that could come off in a bad way. I have to be patient and leave him be. I am calling to set up an appointment for me today with a therapist that specializes in A.D.D and marriage.

Thanks so much Melissa. You have helped me tremendously in a very desperate time.

How to withstand from verbal abuse?

Submitted by Blue25 from PH (not verified) on Tue, 02/24/2009 - 03:39

Hi Melissa, I wish I have gone through this site earlier so that I had applied your great pieces of advice. I really did not know where to start but I want to share my story with you all. I had a girlfriend for a year and half and I did not know that she has this ADD. I only knew it after we broke up. She is a Med Student and I thought at first, she was just weird or just different from other girls I have met. Our first date was the best and the happiest since we had been together. After that first date, it was like her mood swings every 10 seconds. We fought over everything, even the smallest thing I could ever imagine we would argue about. Like radio stations, feminine wash, movie star, past relationships (bit common), and a lot more. I did not get it at first that she was sick. I thought the day to day war that we had was just part of her stressful life as a Med Student. I didn’t feel I was treated as a partner at all, I felt more of a shock absorber or most of the time her greatest rival. She had to make every conversation a competition of who knows more and who’s superior. The first half year was full of goodbyes and reconciliations. Just imagine, every time she failed an exam she had to say goodbye and then the other day will be, her, asking for reconciliation. She had thought that I am a mean person if I never took her back to prove that she can change and she was worth of my love and care. That I was just like her ex’s who never gave her a chance. She never had a relationship that lasted longer than what we had. She had days, weeks, and 3 months was the most before ours. She blamed me for everything even if the situation is out of my control. For instance, the traffic red light that takes a while to green. She burst out and said words like it was my fault we were on that street that has a faulty traffic light. And after the day she failed an exam she had blamed me for being with her instead of studying even if she had been the one who insisted for me to come by. She even told me that she used to have a lot of suitors and since I came, they all lost their interests with her. We both agreed to be together and I did not force her to be my girlfriend. I always reminded her of that but she said she regretted that day that we met. That her family had not been in favor of me because I am not capable of taking good care of her. She even said that I only stick around because I was after her car. And my job (Technical Support Specialist -IT) was not a good profession because it won’t bring the same financial rewards compare to her profession. One day I just told her that I’m tired of work, and what she said was, I can’t be tired because being in Med School is tiresome among all others. Woah! I have no right of being tired since when? She had been so self-centered. I had not been getting any sympathy at all but then I opted to stay hoping that one day everything will come to realization and get better. There had been a time when all the things she said just passed by my ears and I had been able to ignore it. I never fought back. But sometimes she had been really getting into my nerves and I can’t help it but cry in front of her. And one time I did, she even asked me to apologize to her even if I was the one who had been crying and had been belittled. It was indeed a vicious cycle. There was a time as well when I really wanted to leave her and she begged on my knees asking me to give her time to change. So she knew that she had a problem but I don’t know if she knew how much I had been hurt. She never said sorry. There was even a situation wherein we were fighting inside her car, she suddenly scratched her nails on my hands and it bleed a bit. I asked her to stop but she kept going on the other hand so I hold her on her wrists without hurting her. I let go of her and she grabbed her phone, called her mom and told her that I was hurting her physically. I was about to disappear on the scene because I really can’t take it anymore but she was screaming when I opened the door and stepped out of her car. I drove her home and she asked me to sleep over in a low tone of voice. I thought she would apologize for it but she didn’t. I had been so patient with her for all those times we’d been together because of the hope that she will change. I always let her know how I felt about us, that even she has been worst I still love her and wanted to help her do the change she has always wanted. She also told me that I ruined all the special occasions in her life, like her birthday and valentines. She always anticipated that I would be like her ex’s who did not show up or even bother to be with her during those important occasions in her life. But I finally found out why they did not show up. It’s because the day before the occasion she will have said something like she won’t be available because she needs to prepare for an exam or she’ll be needing to exhaust her time reading tons of handouts. And on that exact special day, before the day end, you will be blamed of not showing on her doorstep and for not bringing any present for her. Definitely I’ll be thrown with foul words like you’re not better than her ex; there are just people around who’s willing to give her a present and be with her; that I am not worthy of being in relationship with her; that I was giving less love and care. She had been capable of setting people in a situation where she can mock, blame, belittle, and devalue them. She had been capable of self destructing. She even accused me of stealing her car keys when she accidentally misplaced it somewhere. She can’t stand waiting for our food to be served. She wanted me to tell her how my day was but she would cut me off and let me know that she was annoyed to hear my voice and I had to stop or let me continue and shows no interest at all listening. She made it hard for me to understand her. One day without any single clue, she left me. We lost our communication for 2 months. A month ago, I received a message from her that she took a vacation out of town with her family and started to ponder over things that happened to us. She wanted us back but I refuse because I feel the need to heal my self so I can always give my respect for her and never learn to hate her. She told me she has been diagnosed with ADHD and she wanted me to help her get back to a normal life. I know my patience, love, and care is not enough. I love her so much and I want to help her. I know she is a sweet, loving, and caring person needing some help. (English is not my first language, hope I was able to express myself well)

For Blue25

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed, 02/25/2009 - 09:21

I've read a lot of posts about and by people with ADHD. I'm not a doctor. But I don't think your ex girlfriend has ADHD. Or, if she does, it's with something else.

I want to strongly encourage you to do 2 things. First, DO NOT get back together with this woman. SHe is very bad for your self-esteem. She has not earned your love through her actions and the chances of your ever being happy with her are very, very slim. Second, please find a therapist for yourself. You need to explore why it is you were willing to stay with someone who was so (I'll use the word) abusive to you. This was not a healthy relationship and you need to understand yourself better so that you won't fall into a different relationship with someone else that is equally unhealthy. Getting some professional help should be a good start for you as you seek to find a good, healthy partner.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I'd agree with Melissa here,

Submitted by David (not verified) on Fri, 03/06/2009 - 10:45

I'd agree with Melissa here, ADD is not the cause here. This is not ADD. Listen, a lot of people are spoiled and therefore have an assuming, impatient nature. But they aren't bad - they just haven't evolved beyond the toddler stage at some point of their emotional development and so the world revolves around them. They aren't cruel by nature. This: "She had been capable of setting people in a situation where she can mock, blame, belittle, and devalue them. " is something else altogether. In nature, certain insects and reptiles are coloured in such a way as to let those around them know that they are bad news! Just about everything you've said here in respects to your girlfriend are clear warning signs as to the true nature of this person and you can rest assured that you've only seen the tip of the iceberg "I know she is a sweet, loving, and caring person needing some help" No. This woman has managed to detect and exploit your self-esteem issues, the need to be needed - whatever it is - and feed you just enough of it to keep you on the hook. You'd be very wise to get as far away from this character as quickly as possible. =================================================================Welcome to the desert of the Real - Morpheus

For Melissa and Morpheus

Submitted by Blue25 from PH (not verified) on Mon, 03/09/2009 - 06:06

Thank you so much for both of your response. I have decided to change my mobile number and cut all means of communication with her. Problem with me is, I easily forgive and it's hard for me to get mad. But because of your recommendations and reactions, I was widely awaken and realized that she had been abusing me so much and right, the word is "exploit". I appreciated it much that both of you have written something that I actually printed out and kept reading so that I will always be reminded to stay away from her. Honestly, my relationship before her, had something to do with the abuse thing. My 3-year relationship had been almost perfect for me; we only broke up once and that ended the relationship. It was a third party, and so my mindset with the next girlfriend was as long as she remain faithful I will not leave that person(Got abused for staying--argh!). I realized that the former is tolerable than this verbally abusive Ex. Thanks again Melissa and David. God Bless.

Verbal Abuse and ADD

Submitted by greenlife (not verified) on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 14:04

I've read this entire page with much interest. I am currently married to a man with ADD, but have an ex-husband who was verbally abusive to the level that the writer describes in her husband. Now, whether or not someone has ADD or any other issue, verbal abuse is an entity unto itself. In my previous relationship we were never able to resolve the verbal abuse issues because it was nearly impossible to find therapists that understood it fully. In an extreme case such as the writer is describing, i.e. punching holes in the wall, calling names, and terrifying his wife, the verbal abuse should be dealt with not as a difficulty in communicating (because frankly he's had anger issues all his life according to his family) but as a separate entity. There are millions of people with ADD who do not react so violently. I believe anger management should be first and foremost in that relationship, in conjunction to ADD counseling. The suggestions that she try to hear him and see what role she plays in this, is not realistic with an anger addict. There is nothing she could have done or said that would ever merit that type of reaction from him. It would be very helpful to search out an excellent book on verbal abuse to understand the issue fully. Most books discuss the best way to find and work with a counselor, so that you are NOT given the blame for their behavior. There is that "it takes two to tango" thought process by many people that derails most attempts to address abuse. You know, sometimes it IS one person's fault entirely.

you've said it better than i ever could

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 13:26

jgsmom, thank you for taking the time to explain your situation. as i have recently posted elsewhere on this site (i think in a buried place because i'm new to this type of forum) i have recently caught my ADD husband having an affair. he put up a ridiculous and flimsy cover story to deny the truth in the face of my discovery and lied to me for a week before i called his lover and got the truth from her. we were scheduled for couples counseling before this new apocalyptic rift and i am of course a mess, we have a young daughter, i desperately want to make things better and save this marriage but his response to my suffering is wholly insufficient -- i tell him we can't begin to address what he calls our "communication issues" until we can work through the affair crisis and he tells me the affair is the result of our/MY issues -- i'm too needy, too depressed, too overwhelmed by life (i work full time and raise our toddler alone during the week while he travels for work). there is very little of the "adults take responsibility for their actions" in his reactions -- something he demands of others, of me -- and he isn't doing even the smallest things to reassure me that (1) he is truly remorseful and (2) he wants to save this marriage. like you, i'm an educated woman who has gone to lengths to understand his disability and try to find a therapeutic balance between encouraging productive choices, behaviors and tactics for him in his/our life and shouldering too much responsibility myself, be it the so-called "executive functions" of our marriage, all childcare, etc. he has not laid a hand on me sexually in probably 12 months and when i try to talk to him about it he bludgeons me with "you've gained so much weight" and justifies his withdrawal from me and all intimacy -- emotional and otherwise -- on the grounds that _I_ have issues and he has "given up trying to help me". according to him, he was supportive the first "100 times" he had to listen to me struggle with juggling work, parenting, aging parents, difficult sibling dynamics, our money issues, my own body image/health issues (which are legit) but after that, well, it seems there is a limit to his willingness/ability to support me. yes, i have felt completely overwhelmed by the juggling act of working a demanding job and raising a small child but these are the standard stresses of these years of one's life, no? he apparently has a very different picture of what a wife and life should look like. all of which is utterly devastating. as you state, this is not the man i married. i want more than anything to make this marriage work but it can't just be up to me and i am desperately hopeful that couples counseling will help. i am willing to accept my responsibility for improving things -- as well as my contributions to how bad this has become, as melissa describes elsewhere -- but i cannot do it by myself. when i ask him is he wants to make our marriage work his answer is "i don't know if we can" -- defeatist. terrifying. and not an answer at all.

Take care of you

Submitted by jgsmom on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 15:56

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, as you know, I can relate. My husband and I are seeing a great therapist about these issues but I still worry that there may be too much damage done, day by day. I would like to really encourage you to remember the things about you that you love. Take care of you. Gather strength from God, and firmly stand your ground, do not compromise on the things you need from your husband to heal you and your marriage. Do not forget that you are a valuable person and that this is his problem! You have stood by him through all of this garbage where many people would have left long ago, which says that you are very committed, determined and have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness. He has to acknowlege that this is abuse and is unacceptable, then he needs to work overtime with a sincere heart to prove to you that he wants to do whatever it takes to build your trust in him. If he can't see how valuable you are it is because all of his "garbage" is blocking his view. So if he refuses to do the work, whatever it takes, to get rid of that "garbage" he will never treat you or your daughter the way you deserve. You are worth much more than that. I hope I am not overstepping, I am not a therapist, I just know how much you are hurting and I really want you to remember that you are valuable and you do deserve someone who would love you the way you love him, and would provide a good example for your daughter. Take care of you and your daughter, I will pray for you.

Recently Discovered Affair

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue, 03/10/2009 - 17:21

I, too, am so sorry for your situation. As you know from this site, I've been there too. It's too painful for words.

The thing that helped me most was to think NOT in terms of saving the marriage but rather in terms of CHANGING the relationship. Doing this allowed me to look at what I needed as a person in order to be whole again, and allowed me to see my husband as a separate entity outside of my control. It's too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that "saving the marriage" is the be all and end all, but it's not. Because if you give up yourself to save the marriage, it will ultimately fail in any event and you will be completely miserable that you weren't true to yourself.

Your husband has served you notice that he is not to be controlled by you (often part of what an affair is) as well as that he's not happy with your relationship. That may come from unrealistic expectations on his part about what a relationship with a stable and caring women looks like (vs. the "exciting" other woman). Sounds as if the relationship isn't what you would like, either (I noted your comment that you are both holding down a job AND raising your child full time without his help.)

If your relationship (again, forget the marriage for a moment) were perfect, what would it look like? Make a list of the things you want and need to feel fulfilled in this or any other relationship. Be specific. Then think about what YOU could do to move you along that path with this man and what you are going to ask him to contribute. Your counselor can help you with this process.

Affairs take a long time to get over. Forgive yourself for the bad thoughts you are going to have, and find a safe place (either with him or with a counselor or friend) to "mourn" when these come up. As an example, it took me some time to get past imagining how much fun my husband was probably having sexually with his girlfriend. Sometimes this would stop me dead while we were having sex (since I was feeling pretty down on myself at that point). So I gently talked with him about it and told him that I needed his patience with this for a while...and that if I got messed up in my head what I needed was for him to slow down and just hold me and tell me he loved me until I could overcome my grief a bit and move on. Since we talked, and since I had asked for something specific, he was able to do this for me a couple times until I got over this aspect of my recovery.

Another part of my recovery was reminding myself that my imagination is far more vivid than real life ever could be, and by spending lots of time dwelling on imagining what their relationship was like I was only hurting myself, no one else. In point of fact, their relationship was good, and bad. I know she reemed him out good when the going got tough...the women on the other side aren't perfect, either.

Which means that the best that you can do is be yourself, stand up for yourself, and remember that you will always have a relationship with this man - even if you don't end up staying married to him (because you have a child together). Hang in there, accept your own role with humility but don't let him "scare" you or "threaten" you into compromise. Time to be you.

And, yes, he answers "I don't know if we can" because he truly doesn't know right now. Neither do you, if you're being honest about it. But your best bet is to stand tall and proud, be as nice a person as you can be (like you were before all this hurt started and you were feeling betrayed and angry), do the right and ethical thing. Even try to have some fun and lighten up together (does wonders for your relationship to be able to leave the shit behind once in a while - otherwise the "other woman" gets to have all the fun while you wallow in your mutual problems). Either he'll see the woman he loves re-emerge (as my husband did) and really commit to trying or he'll be too scared (which you have no control over).

Oh, and one more thought. I don't know your husband at all, but there is a good chance that this IS the man you married. Remember that your life when you married was significantly "lighter" and easier, you were happier, thinner, didn't have a child, and you weren't negotiating all the time about life's hassles. You are the woman he married - in person and feeling, at least - but your SITUATION is not the situation he married. Some men change to accomodate their surroundings and life's events more easily than others. So as you make that list, think about whether or not there is middle ground that you can meet in. Do you have to be as hard-driving as you are? Are there ways he can take on some responsbilities without feeling so burdened that he longs to escape?

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Where is the line?

Submitted by Mary (not verified) on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 20:32

I found this site and began reading and cried...I thought I was the only one. My husband has wonderful qualities, but has become increasingly verbally abusive to the point of me questioning whether I should stay with him. The culminating abuse came when I hopped in the shower right after he had crawled into bed right at 10. I thought I'd take a quick shower as I had been busy all evening and it helps me relax for sleep. It was only going to be quick, as I know my husband likes to sleep between 10 and 6. While showering, I heard a screach, then silence. Then while I was naked in the shower (how vulnerable can you be?) he slammed the door open yelling and thrashing the curtain that I was ruining his sleep and how could I be so inconsiderate. He scared the you know what out of me...I was shaking and trembling and I dried and went downstairs to cam down. He came down and continued to berate me. I did finally go to bed and sleep, but I am totally on edge. I never know what is going to set him off. We can be talking calmly for a few minutes, (about his chosen topic) and suddenly he's turned on me and is making little digs. We don't have sex anymore...with the constant berating and demeaning comments, I don't even want to approach him, and he isn't approaching me. I asked him to see a counselor with me, but he refused, saying he only needed to be allowed (by me) to sleep, regardless of the fact that he has totally erratic sleep patterns, and can be up for hours in the middle of the night; he blames me. My husband is not diagnosed as ADHD, but during happier times, he has shared about his inability to focus, his disorganization, his inablity to maintain long term commitments (work, relationship, etc.). I can deal with lots of the traits of ADHD, but the anger and verbal abuse, and the ignoring are weaing me out. I am seeing a counselor, but I think I need someone who can specifically address the issues I face with an ADHD spouse. I am also reaching out to my friends and spending more time in positive relationships for support. Any suggestions?

anger issues

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 11:13

I think that someone familiar with ADD might help, though it may be that there are other issues going on as well (sleep apnea???) Obviously it could benefit you both if you could put your finger on what is going on.

The shower incident sounds scary and extremely disconcerting (to say the least). I used to get furious at my hubby when he interfered with my sleep, and would sometimes yell at him (and I'm not ADD). This was a result of my complete and utter anger at him when I felt as if he was "ruining" my life. It's unclear to me whether or not your husband's anger is a reflection of his feelings about your marriage and relationship or whether it might be an ADD thing (if he really is ADD and not something else). In any event, I don't diagnose things (not being a doctor) BUT the real issue is that things are bad between you and it's time to work them out.

Since you don't mention that he has beaten you in any way, it sounds as if it might be time to start standing your ground and point out to him that you understand fully that your marriage is not in good shape right now and that you wish to work with him to make things better for both of you. That would mean working through determining what the most destructive elements are for both of you and then having both of you address the issues of greatest concern. A therapist can help you with this, and probably should given the dynamics you describe - but if you really think he has ADD then you should probably seek out someone who has experience with couples (different from individual therapy), and knows a bit about ADD. Talk with your current therapist about what might make a good game plan, perhaps practicing how you might approach this subject with your hubby.

You might also read Steven Stosny's "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" as this is an excellent treatise on the "walking on eggshells" part of your relationsihp and what you can do about it that's constructive.

You know you can't go on like this - time to insist that it starts to get fixed. And, keep reaching out for positive reinforcement...

abuse- warning signs

Submitted by Steph on Fri, 03/13/2009 - 07:47

My husband is very verbally abusive and has been throughout most of our marriage (NEVER while dating though). Last night while watching a show about the Chris Brown/ Rhianna incident he made some pretty disturbing statements about how Rhianna probably deserved it, that she is at fault for going back to him and that she deserves it in the future just because of that. I was of course horrified at his reaction. I have suspected that his father was/is physically abusive to his mother...I KNOW for a fact that he is verbally abusive her. Disgustingly so. I also know that my husband had a previous relationship that ended violently, not with him hitting her to my knowledge but it was intense-he said there was a police report. Later on in the evening with no provocation, he grabbed my arm tightly and told me not to hold his arm. I wasn't holding it, I was nudging it off of my chest because I was uncomfortable while trying to sleep. What scared me was the tone of his voice when he said that to me. I was so scared that I was literally frozen in place and didn't talk much after that. This morning he acted like nothing happened which doesn't surprise me since he kissed me right after that. He often switches moods in mere seconds or minutes. Raging one minute to wanting a hug at the next. Anyway, he is in a borderline bad mood this morning. I know him enough to know when he is spoiling for a fight. I feel bad for the people at work today! My question is this: Should I be worried or was that incident nothing? Just me being sensitive? Does verbal abuse always lead to physical abuse?

Thanks

Steph

No toleration for abuse! EVER!!!!

Submitted by optomistic on Fri, 03/13/2009 - 10:24

Hi steph,

I know you write a lot on this blog and that is a good thing. I'am writting you to you about what you just wrote.Steph I 'am concerned for you. "the Chris Brown/ Rhianna incident he made some pretty disturbing statements about how Rhianna probably deserved it" Oh please be careful NO ONE EVER EVER DESERVES TO BE HIT!...No one deserves that EVER! I would like to tell some things.(if you don't mind) I helped a lady who came into our church one night and needed help. She ended up telling me that she was running away from another state because she was beaten and choked from her live in boyfriend of almost 10yrs. She ended up in jail ( long story) and lost their kid I helped her alot. she got away from him and kept going back. she ended up back here for some things on her reccord and is on probation. She is living with him again. After talking with her and reminding her of all the things this whimp did to her she says I'am right but she can't leave him. She told me that they are not fighting anymore but I feel her life is in danger. Also I know a pastor and his wife who have a ministry at the womens correctional and after telling him all the things my husband did and where he was headed. ( this was after he was arrested on campus) he gave me advice to get out while I can. He said so many women stay in abusive situations and they are the ones who suffer greatly. He said so many women end up in jail because of their mates. One women who told the story to our church one night after years of verbal and mental abuse she just couldn't take it anymore and stabbed her husband. she is doing well now but is still in jail. of course thats the extreme side but if your husband says things like that and you feel scared I would not think that you are sensitive but not safe either. Yes verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. Once a person is out of control with their anger it can lead to devastation. If your husband comes from a abusive home he is in the generation of abusers. If he doen't want to stop the next generation(kids) then you need to figure out what you want for your life! You seem to have a big heart please don't let someone break it..There is nothing optomistic about abuse of anykind. Your husband sounds like its just more than adhd. My husband never believes in hurting a woman even through all the crap he put me through. Be careful PLEASE!!!! If your husband grabbed your arm and scared and hurt you that is NOT o.k. I'am not sorry if my words seem hard I'am very concerned about you. Go talk to someone even the abuse helpline to just talk about it . Its all confidential.I will be praying for you .Keep in touch God Bless...

To Optomistic

Submitted by Steph on Sun, 03/15/2009 - 10:47

Thank you for your concern. It makes me feel better knowing that someone cares. I just want to put it out there though that he has not hit me yet. I never felt he would even when his rage was so out of control and intense, however in light of some of his recent comments, now I am not so sure. I will mention all this to my counselor when I go next week and see what she has to say about the situation. She is aware of the generational thing as well. I am being cautious and trying hard not to do or say anything that will cause him to get upset, although there are many times in the past that he has flown into a rage without any warning.

I will continue to read and write on this site as it is my source of peace and while nothing changes, at least I know I am not alone in this.

Bless you

Steph

potential abuse

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon, 03/16/2009 - 08:46

I would suggest that you do some research into local organizations (or national ones) who can give you more information about the patterns that indicate abuse is likely. Certainly having a family history of abuse is one of them...You want to know how to leave safely if that becomes necessary. Ask your counselor for places you can get more information - don't just rely on this site, for this is not a site about abuse, and we may reassure you that you aren't alone, but we can't really help you physically avoid abuse...you have to do that yourself. Thanks.

where is the line

Submitted by tryingtozenit on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 07:04

I've gone thru that for most of the 22 years of my marriage. I regret that I did not leave. Now it is really too late for many reasons. I hope that he is going to follow up on the possiblity that he has ADD. The verbal abuse got so bad several times that I got all of the paperwork together, an attorney and told him it was over. Then he would go for counselling, finally antidepressants helped but it has not been worth it in the long run. It is very rare now that he yells at me but I feel just as abused over our financial situation and his lack of insight into how his problems affect me. I feel painful inside and out, my spirit is broken, I have a hard time asserting myself because he is so defensive it's not worth bringing anything up. Why ask for what I need when I'll be hammered on and told that I am selfish. Then there are the good parts of him that are strong enough to make me doubt myself.

oppositional mindset

Submitted by jgsmom on Fri, 04/24/2009 - 10:25

Well, things have been progressing slowly and tediously like trying to push a 300lb boulder up a hill. Since we started counseling my husband is better about not losing his temper, and I can see that he is trying but only in his own way which is not working for me. He has such a defiant/oppositional mindset that he refuses to do what I ask and need him to do (or to clarify, he is reluctantly doing the bare minimum) for me to feel like he is truly remorseful and that he really understands the impact his verbal abuse has had on our relationship. It feels like he is fighting me every step of the way.

I am not asking for anything unreasonable, I just want to feel like we are on the same team, for him to consider my feelings/perspective, our relationship as a whole, when evaluating whatever situation arises but he doesn't seem to understand how to get past his own perspective, how to work together, which usually comes off very selfish and unreasonable. Let me give you an example, we watched the movie "Fireproof." It is about a couple on the brink of divorce because of the same reasons we are, but in the end they reconcile because the husband learns how to love his wife through this book called "The Love Dare." This book reads like a daily devotional, it teaches you how to truly love your spouse with daily reminders and then "dares" you to do something that day, like " no matter what do not say anything negative to your spouse today." I rented it because I thought he might see how our relationship is similar, recognize how his behavior affects us like the character in the movie. Then I went out and got the "Love Dare" book, I thought that this would be a good way for him to show me that he is willing to do what it takes to save our marriage. I asked him to please read it, and surprisingly he was agreeable, though he refused to do the "dares" ( I was disappointed, but happy that he was at least willing to read it). He started out okay, but after reading about 4 days worth he quit. This was a very simple task, it only takes a few minutes a day to read, I was so disappointed. So I asked him to talk about it, he lied to me saying that he was reading it when I told him I knew he was lying he got very upset, would not admit to lying about it but then promised to start reading it again and this time he would do the dares. Again after a few days he quit. His commitment to this book is very much like his commitment to the well being of our marriage. He gets so angry with me for not being able to trust him not realizing (though I am always trying to explain) that he makes it impossible for me to do so by lying to me and being so reckless with his words (verbal abuse).

So, to sum it up I feel like I am married to a defiant teenager. He "sings louder than me instead of trying to harmonize"-- If I say red he will say blue, seemingly just because I said red. I feel that you teach people how to treat you by treating them the way you wish to be treated and by explaining to them what you need to feel safe, secure and loved by them. I am so tired of always having to "rise above" and be "the bigger person" giving him chance after chance to do things his way, to show me how much he says he loves me, how much he says he is "doing everything he can" to create a healthy, happy relationship with me all the time listening to what I say I need but never following through, still not reading the book, still trying to do things his way.

How do I get him to see how much happier we would both be if he would just be more open to my feelings and opinions? To at least consider them? To work as a team? I have not given him any reason to feel that he can not trust me this way, I really believe this is a mindset he has.

No Hope

Submitted by hope09 on Mon, 07/27/2009 - 10:59

I can't take the verbal abuse anymore. It's so bad and he won't stop. It's beyond walking on eggshells...I'm petrified to speak. I try to be so gentle, patient, loving and caring and I'm bashed like I'm scum. I'm losing my self worth and I'm taking 2 antidepressants because it has gotten so bad. Although he had outbursts when we met he used to love and cherish me...now he says he hates me and being around him makes him feel uncomfortable. What happened? The doctor increased his zoloft and gave him ADHD medication on a need to take basis. He has NO control over his behavior and is a monster. I've really tried...I feel like there is no hope.

Thanks for your post.

Submitted by Tried-it-all on Sat, 07/23/2011 - 00:02

I rarely text in forums but found this one today out of desperation. I appreciate you mentioning the oppositional behavior. I have gone through 30 plus years with my ADHD spouse. I would never do it again. My name here is a joke - a more accurate one would be I have tried positive and good responses, suggestions recommended in books, ADHD sites, and a few bad choices of my own and nothing affects his behavior against me, but that is too long for a name.

As you can tell, I am around the AARP age and so is my husband. There was no such thing as ADHD when I was young. When we met, he pushed hard for an exclusive relationship. Nowadays, that is a red flag. In my day, I only knew to look for signs of physical abuse. I am sure there are thousands older than me that knew better. Hindsight is 20'/20, forgive the tired saying. Here are some of my useless attempts to make a good marriage: patience, setting a good example, just taking it and getting an ulcer for it, waiting for him to "get better", talking to him calmly, not so calmly, yelling at times (but not for the first 12 years). I've tried explaining how I feel, explaining how it's hurting us, our children, our family while remaining calm. I have tried therapy for us before he had a diagnosis, asked him to go to therapy for ADHD after the diagnosis, I went alone for help, bought books, asked him to read some which he did and admitted he was abusive, but did not change his bad behavior.

My point for my situation is this: no matter what I do, say, don't do, don't say, it has no positive effect on his behavior. He learned to deal with his ADHD as a child by being a bully. He continues even as I type. I am tired of reading books. I have tried every suggestion I have read. At some point, I believe he has to accept that he has a physiological health problem and try to manage it much like a diabetic has to manage their health (I am one of the latter there) for a good life.

Abuse and ADHD do not go hand in hand. They are separate issues that unfortunately are sometimes linked together in one person. I feel for those who have ADHD and are not abusive because it seems that it is a common pairing. I salute those who have worked to make progress on both side of the ADHD issue. I have read many heart breaking posts here and relate.

So back to my thank you. I too feel that my husband has additional problems (comormid?) with his ADHD. Tried a medical word there - don't think I have it right. And one of his additional problems is being "anti - me" in anything and without warning. I have been publicly humiliated by him and have tried to smooth things over in hopes others don't see. And when I am not around them, he lies to them and finds a way to blame his behavior on me. In 30 years, only two people have asked me later if he's abusive. He's very good at covering himself at my expense.

Nice to read something all too familiar, but saddened to know so many others are walking the same egg shell path that I walk.

One Sided

Submitted by G on Sat, 05/07/2011 - 13:09

I am very new to threads and was very interested in this subject. 1st off, I don't believe in coincidences at all, that being said, these threads are written mostly by women who are making claims about their husbands and abusive behaviors. Its sad that their husbands wont chime in therefore leaving all this 1 sided. Here are some clear observations about these posts. Very little is spoken of by any of these women as to their own personal admission of their own issues, the depth of their issues, how those struggles are being dealt with or what kind of contribution it adds to the current issues seen in their partners. What does it take to have a healthy marriage? 2 Healthy people...not 1, or 1 1/2, or 2/3. It takes 2. Before anyone should go further casting stones we should all recognize that none of us male or female asked for whatever issues, struggles, insecurities to be strongholds in our lives. Everyone writing these posts has some form of generational curse or curses, tendencies, etc. We have all suffered wrongs, etc at the hands of others, including those closest to us. That means we all started out the same way, the difference is the extremity of each persons suffering, the grooming that they received or didn't growing up and last but not least the way people have learned to cope or recover from unexpected events and things not going a certain way. Which wife here has addressed in their husband the fact that their husbands are "suffering" too? Which hubsand asked for any disease? Which wife did? Whether people have struggles is not the issue, we all do, marriage requires us to resolve "our" issues together. Problems get worse when either party choose to one up each other in the hurt locker. Both people in all these marriages NEED healing, not 1 more than the other. It is beyond proof in reading these posts, that wives are more concerned with "their" hurts which is understandable, however, are we looking into the mirrors ourselves? We've all heard the saying "Men are from Mars, Women From Venus", but I recently heard someone very wise say..."men want to feel respected and heard in order to feel loved, women want to be loved in order to feel they've been respected". In my years of professional counseling others as well as needing counseling for myself, I have seen the aforementioned statement to be a strong current in the sea of marital instability. Both parties in all these threads need strong biblically balanced principles as foundations to their marriage, therapists and counselors didnt create the concept of marriage, GOD did so let Him be the one that sets the parameters, guidelines and expectations for all relationships we engage in. Medicines dont cure the problem, they only suppress it. The proof of that is we will always need a pill to control what is out of balance. I believe that the husbands that are being written about here may or may not fully comprehend the damage they've caused others because others didnt realize the damage they caused on your husbands. So in turn, you are now dealing with the by-product of abuse or lack of training in your men. I challenge wives to see it further than our own emotions and understanding. Your husbands need more help than they can even acknowledge due to the level of hurt in their lives. When people are taught or know better they tend to have a better grip on doing better. All this I know because I have been abused, abused back to defend myself in times past, and in the end I felt the conviction of my wrongs, the hurt at the hands of another, only to learn that I have to forgive and let God deal with the offender. De-nial is not a river in Egypt. The cycle breaks once both people understand where they are out of order. I have seen and done it all. The Word of God says, "how can two walk together unless they be in agreement?". That says it all. People get married with 2 differing views of marriage and its expectations and want 1 lifestyle to prevail. Bad move. Only 1 lifestyle counts in marriage. 2 opposing views leads to 2 opposing agendas that easily turn into arguments. Add to that people's differing ways of handling disappointment and you have both parties pointing the finger at each other. Remember this next time we point the finger...there's 3 fingers pointing right back at us. Abuse isn't just physical, its financial, pyschological, spiritual, domestic, etc. If your husbands refuse to get help after admitting they have a problem then that's a choice issue, a whole different ball game. Remember whether for good or bad, People only end up doing what they feel they want to do or not do at that moment.

respectfully

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sun, 05/08/2011 - 08:55

It seems pretty obvious to me that you passionate about setting the record straight regarding abuse and also human will. That is admirable to me. However, I recommend that you keep reading this forum. I guarantee that you will find men and women who are admitting their own contributions to the problem and working on that person in the mirror. It is possible you are so new that you have not seen enough to make such a hasty generalized judgment. As a person of God and experienced counselor, surely you can recognize the voice of hurting people. That's what this is, a forum for people, WITH and without ADHD, who are hurting from the things that happen in their marriages. I know it takes two for a successful marriage; that's why I visit this forum. Would I be here to better understand the topic if I had it all figured out? One of my questions to which I seek answers is how did I help make a mess of things? But darn it if I dont get tired of searching. This is a safe place to dump and share some grief with people who actually understand. The reasons you might read "why cant he" and "if only she would" is because we are tired and frustrated and all we can do is cry out all those things to people who are nodding and saying "its all right, just let it out. We know how you feel." The next day, the next moment even, we will go back to the mirror and keep trying. Until you can understand the pain and complexity of an ADHD affected relationship completely, you might find it helpful to just listen a while or just ask questions. I find that when being exposed to a new subject an open mind helps me abosrb and connect, even if I disagree with a certain view. As far as I am aware, during his ministry on earth the only people Jesus spoke to harshly were hypocrites, overly religious people who followed the letter of the law and could quote it by heart, but could not muster one ounce of compassion for the broken and downtrodden. They had the training to know better; many of us do not-- we're trying to educate ourselves and mostly just feeling our way around. I personally try to pattern my life after Jesus, but this is not a religiously affiliated site. Therefore I am respectful that others here may not be in a place to accept "thou shalt" and" you ought not" "because the Bible says so." Instead I try to understand and help from a place of love and empathy, while also being helped myself and ranting when I need to rant. Even the most basic counseling guidelines tell me this: hurting people sometimes don't want advice. Sometimes they just want to be heard. And I can take advice better from people who have taken a moment to let themselves be known and have empathy for me in my pain. This as opposed to a someone who burst into the room making general statements, waving a Bible, and saying, "Gosh you sound like hypocrites." That might not come across so well to me in my hour of greatest need. P.S I find that not all women are subject to the leading of their emotions. There are wonderful reflective thinkers in here. Read on.

For The Record

Submitted by G on Sun, 05/08/2011 - 13:07

My whole intention in my thread is to share how we can get the proper help for both parties. Consider this, an abusive husband has been terrorizing his wife for 10 years, she leaves after getting "help" from these forums, he re-marries and now his new wife is on these forums after being abused for 5 years. What is the help in that? My point is the offender should receive some training, counseling, etc like everyone here has said. We could spend forever talking, venting, and getting caught in deadly emotions that create the environments that breed violence. If you and I are following the commandments of Yeshua, then we would be getting biblical counseling not sitting on these sites ranting. Love is the power that should move us into getting right. Sympathy, empathy are necessary to help us get along. All these are part of the Fruits of The Spirit, that includes "long suffering". I apologize if it seems that Im standing for the abuser, or being insensitive towards the victims or women in general. The Lord never condones abuse of any kind, regardless of gender. He does allow suffering despite what people think, to prune us, etc. For all those reading, remember this everybody has feelings, good or bad, its what we do with them that determines who we are and how people will cooperate with this.

Re: well said, Hermie

Submitted by dedelight4 on Sun, 05/08/2011 - 16:00

G - I understand your viewpoint and even agree with many of your statements. The sheer fact that many of us have stayed with our adhd husbands for so LONG is a testament to the love we have for them AND that we want healing for BOTH of us. This web-site lets us "let our hair down and be heard) (like Hermie said) when family, friends and even church folks and pastors will not. We are told age old statements like "A soft answer turneth away wrath" and "Do good to those who despitefully use you", as well as many others. With ADHD, I can do ALL it says in the Bible and not get the respect and treatment that I deserve from my husband. He has a "brain disorder", and these folks here know how to deal with it. Dealing with ADHD (especially undiagnosed) gets tiring, exhausting, frustrating and can leave a spouse completely broken down emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been broken completely, and the church wasn't able to help me with this, and neither was God. In fact, for too many years, I kept asking God to help our marriage and I prayed and went to counseling, and tried to do everything I read in the scriptures, but NOTHING CHANGED. God sometimes uses other people to help us find our way. I am a dedicated Christian and have gone to church my entire life, but all the bible-study, sermons, prayer and groups I've been involved with haven't helped me deal with this. When my husband was in the middle of his affair, I insisted that we go for counseling with our minister. My husband "lied" to the minister about the affair, and the minister and my husband put the blame of everything ON ME. It was a humiliating and VERY hurtful experience, and I walked away totally defeated and unheard.

Dealing with ADHD takes more than PATIENCE, more than LOVE, and more than OURSELVES. We have been helpless to deal with this condition, and most all of us know that we have been part of the problem due to our "reactions" to the condition. It's hard to separate the condition from the person, and even when we DO know, it's STILL hard. I'm STILL learning that, and I've a LONG WAY TO GO, and like Hermie said, keep reading..........there are fine, loving, caring women (and men) here. So, hopefully, with more information and doing what these counselors tell me, I can help myself enough to heal. (and with prayer and the help of God) As far as my relationship with my husband, I can't tell yet, because he won't deal with his ADHD, and won't read the information on it. So, I don't know what will happen with us. But, it IS a lonely life, when you feel like you are in a marriage by "yourself".

Interceding

Submitted by G on Sun, 05/08/2011 - 17:16

Hermie, with your permission I would like to pray for your family and marriage. I am in a marriage with a child of God that is suffering from this condition that she never asked for. I too even as a man of God have had the "why have you forsaken me?" moment many times over. I guess Im too near you not to hear you. Believe me, God has not forgotten about you,your family, etc. Pastors, ministers, are humans as we are and prone to our natural senses. I cant tell you how many times I have come across the church and their shortcomings and also their inability to bring proper revelation to what God meant for us to do rather than what we've been taught by them. Their erroneous teaching and interpretation of the Word has done more to negatively affect your marriage and even create a wedge in your relationship with God. Yeshua, never told us to join ministries, etc or to count on those assemblies to fix our problems. However, we are supposed to hold each other accountable to His expectations, and not lean on our own understanding. Hermie, all this said, these issues were given to us that God would be glorified in Him doing the work,not pastors, counselors or you and I.

After you've done all that you could as you may have, of course its easy to think God isnt listening. Im here to reassure you that He is and has and will continue if we abide in Him.

Now here is the main reason I joined these threads...ADHD, ADD is NOT a clinical issue! Its a spiritual issue that without deliverance from it, will manifest on the outside. It is demonic possession. Therefore, people with these strongholds never get fully cured because a pill is taking them somewhere else mentally for a moment until that demon starts to manifest in them to destroy NOT only THE HOST, but you, your kids and the precious gift of family that comes out the union of marriage.

Thats why I tell you and all others on these threads, that ranting, venting, as I have done in the past prior to deliverance, does little more than what a pill does or a drug does for a drug addict. It never cures, just suspends the violence momentarily. Its a form of escapism that never changes anything. Yeshua promised us full Healing, deliverance. Why doesn't today's church have the power that people in the pews need to see? Because the blind are leading the blind. The Lord casted out spirits, dumb spirits, filthy spirits, etc. Once he laid hands on them the demons never cameback. What everyone here is experiencing is not victory but warfare and the casualities are your families, children and friends.

The Lord told me to read these sites and threads to see how the World is handling His people's well being. All I am to do as a servant to all of you is to pray and instruct with divine balance. The greatest gift God gave us aside from salvation through his Son, is the power of choice. Some of these husbands/wives have made choices that aren't in line with God, however, when in bondage, they ARE LITERALLY blind to the truth. So Im praying for supernatural deliverance for whoever may ask for it.

I eagerly await your response Hermie. God bless you all and Happy Mother's Day!

Demonic possession...

Submitted by YYZ on Sun, 05/08/2011 - 23:02

Are you serious? I have ADD and have NEVER been abusive. My clinical diagnosis was confirmed by a Physiatrist almost two years ago and I have spent this trying to better understand the condition and take full ownership at the same time. ADHD has been studied for years and is marked by a scientifically proven imbalance in brain chemistry. ADHD IS a medical condition period. There are medications that help some of us ADDers correct the chemical imbalance in our brains and these do help, especially when combined with therapy and study. This website has given me so much insight into what is a very misunderstood condition. There is no excuse for abusive behavior from anyone, ADHD or not. In the case of ADD, I understand every couple's experience has it's own unique circumstances and each may have their own resolutions or maybe no solution in the end. Most of us here on this website are here to learn and gain insight to help make their lives better.

I AM a good husband and father with ADHD. I am continuing to work on improving myself for my family and myself.

I guarantee there is not a demon inside of me.

YYZ

Clarification

Submitted by G on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 01:38

Dear YYZ, yesI am serious. It sounds like a lot of people here are also. My words are not meant to damage or neglect anyone's hurts, feelings, emotions, etc. Or to condone or accuse people, you whom I dont know personally especially. You are not a demon, or the demon. Demonic possession is where a demon attempts to destroy that person's life and all that comes with it, by possessing the MIND, BODY AND SOUL. So perhaps you misunderstood who is who in the context with which im typing and speaking. If your a believer, which I dont want to assume you are or aren't then some of this wouldn't sound foreign to you if it does. If we dont share the same beliefs and revelation on it then we're probably going to differ on the source of our healing, what we depend on and what type of counsel we seek. Furthermore, I have no reason to not believe your not a good father and husband, so I commend you on that. May you continue on your road to recovery. I wish you and yours the best. Should we have similiar spiritual beliefs let me know so I can further address demonic possession for you and those that these words apply to.

again, "read on"

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 00:09

G, you are kind to reach out to pray for me, yet it sounds like you mistake me for someone who has been disillusioned or angry with God. I bear no such thought against God. He has not forsaken me, for me he has never been nearer than in these present times. There is no "wedge;" I have not been damaged by some of the things that go on in church nor have I received well meaning but ill-placed advice from the people there. Your well meaning "assurance" is misguided toward me. He is God and I am not, therefore I have no idea what this season's purpose is nor do I know how it will turn out. So if you think to pray for me, don't pray for my perspective of God. Instead pray for perseverence, that I can continue to honor him in what feels like very Job-like circumstances. It sounds to me like you also mistake me and perhaps others for someone who sees this site as the end all solution. While I well appreciate perspective of so many here, I will not be taking simple advice as a directive to go and act immediately and blindly. If someone said (and no one has), "you should definitely divorce him" as with any advice, I will weigh it against my own values and see if that advice holds water for me and my circumstances. While venting is not a solution in itself, I agree, but sometimes it is so needed. My very best friend is wise and godly but she simply does not understand adult ADHD, I dont expect her to. This site offers that sort of community. Again, you seem to miss the value in a sense of belonging and being among people who can relate or have "been there, done that." This site is not to hate and share hate, but to affirm that someone else on the planet understands my perspective and pain. Perhaps you can contain your frustrations within yourself or deal with them spiritually; others do not deal with these things the same way; this way is not necessarily "wrong" nor is it the be all, end all solution. As for the rest of what you say, I will not share if I agreee or disagree with you, I only suggest you remember and reflect on how foreign (and possibly insulting or ridiculous) these things sound in certain contexts. Given these things I've mentioned, it sounds very much as if you have specific preconceived notions of what people in here are like. If the Lord has indeed directed your attention here perhaps it is to listen. As in any new similar venture it is wise to listen and study and learn with an open mind, before you can effectively contextualize a message. Jumping headlong into unknown waters often does more harm than good to everyone involved.

Clarification

Submitted by G on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 02:19

"and the church wasn't able to help me with this, and neither was God. In fact, for too many years, I kept asking God to help our marriage and I prayed and went to counseling, and tried to do everything I read in the scriptures, but NOTHING CHANGED."( I dont think I have mistaken your sentiments at all based on your words here.) God sometimes uses other people to help us find our way. I am a dedicated Christian and have gone to church my entire life, "but all the bible-study, sermons, prayer and groups" I've been involved with" haven't helped me deal with this." When my husband was in the middle of his affair, I insisted that we go for counseling with our minister. My husband "lied" to the minister about the affair," and the minister and my husband put the blame of everything ON ME. It was a humiliating and VERY hurtful experience, and I walked away totally defeated and unheard."

Its totally understandable that you have these feelings based on what you originally wrote and are now denying you said outright.

"yet it sounds like you mistake me for someone who has been disillusioned or angry with God. I bear no such thought against God." He has not forsaken me, for me he has never been nearer than in these present times. There is no "wedge;" "I have not been damaged by some of the things that go on in church nor have I received well meaning but ill-placed advice from the people there." - isnt that contradictory to how you said you felt walking away from the minister and the affair? er"Your well meaning "assurance" is misguided toward me." - since when is assurance and prayer a misguided option when the Word says "pray without ceasing"? He is God and I am not, therefore I have no idea what this season's purpose is nor do I know how it will turn out. So if you think to pray for me, don't pray for my perspective of God. Instead pray for perseverence, that I can continue to honor him in what feels like very Job-like circumstances. - very well put and I will pray that God's perspective on things in your life will remain in your heart and mind not just your perspective on what God's purposes are with each season in your life. It sounds to me like you also mistake me and perhaps others for someone who sees this site as the end all solution. - Im speaking to those thay may think that, if thats not you, eat the meat and spit out the bones. While I well appreciate perspective of so many here, I will not be taking simple advice as a directive to go and act immediately and blindly. If someone said (and no one has), "you should definitely divorce him" as with any advice, I will weigh it against my own values and see if that advice holds water for me and my circumstances. While venting is not a solution in itself, I agree, but sometimes it is so needed. My very best friend is wise and godly but she simply does not understand adult ADHD, I dont expect her to. This site offers that sort of community."Again, you seem to miss the value in a sense of belonging and being among people who can relate or have "been there, done that."- I have been there, spent a year there and sent a postcard from there. And I more than relate to these pains and woes. I have been on sides of the coin and also the edge around it. This site is not to hate and share hate, but to affirm that someone else on the planet understands my perspective and pain. Perhaps you can contain your frustrations within yourself or deal with them spiritually; others do not deal with these things the same way" - God's Word is for all and for those that choose to listen and take heed. this way is not necessarily "wrong" nor is it the be all, end all solution. As for the rest of what you say," I will not share if I agreee or disagree with you, I only suggest you remember and reflect on how foreign (and possibly insulting or ridiculous) these things sound in certain context" - you just did share your disagreement with the intent of pretty much all I was saying. Given these things I've mentioned, it sounds very much as if you have specific preconceived notions of what people in here are like. If the Lord has indeed directed your attention here perhaps it is to listen. As in any new similar venture it is wise to listen and study and learn with an open mind, before you can effectively contextualize a message. Jumping headlong into unknown waters often does more harm than good to everyone involved. - I respect your taking offense to my offer for prayer, revelation and clarification. And last but not least NOTHING is UNKNOWN TO THE LORD. He created the waters and the depths they sit in.

Different writers

Submitted by dedelight4 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 09:44

I think it's possible that you are quoting MY posts and thinking that Hermie wrote them. I am dedelight4, and wrote many of the things you quoted, so maybe it would help if you read who "wrote" each post. Hermie didn't say most of the things you quoted, I DID.

I'm not angry with God either, even though I have been disappointed and hurt at times. Prayer is the only thing that has gotten me through some of the hardest times. (I didn't mean to imply that God and "the church", should be dismissed because of things that I've been through with my ADHD husband) I was brought up in a type of church where "outside" help was discouraged and pretty much banned. We were to only get help from within, and was told that God was the only help we needed. This IS TRUE of course, but I also believe that God also sends "people" to help "other people". (like in this forum) I'm learning a lot about adhd, like the causes, the effects, and how to deal with it.

Again

Submitted by G on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:24

1) Im not new to threads, just the thread on this site 2) Any words I typed are meant for whoever it applies to you, not just Hermie, dede or whomever. So I trust that as adults WE can decipher text, context, and more importantly ask what a persons motive or intent is with what they said. Neither of you, dede or Hermie or YYZ have received the encouragement that I sent the 1st time. Prayer has offended you, etc. I know personally how hard it is to receive even good things when folks are upset and hurt. However, that hurt is what blocks the "healing" from entering our lives. That very emotion puts up a fence with barb wire over it. Its ok to say I am angry with God, its not ok to say Im not, when God knows you are and have been and HE understands these emotions and still loves us. And the end of the day and beginning of the morning, the church, pastor, myself and the women's prayer group is not physically present when the warfare starts at home, SOOOO....ONLY GOD CAN COVER U.

I believe 100% in spiritual

Submitted by SherriW13 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 18:27

I believe 100% in spiritual warfare. I believe 100% that God can, and does change hearts and minds in any and all circumstances...even the worst. I believe, too, however, that God DOES put human beings in our paths to act as guides to show us the way to Him. I believe that many of these 'angels' can come in the form of friends, strangers, counselors, doctors, pastors, etc. I believe with all of my heart and being that my family is under spiritual warfare, since we started really seeking a relationship with God around about the exact same time things spiraled out of control with my husband's ADHD...and my subsequent poor reactions (anger, shutting down emotionally) helped nothing. I do not think my husband or myself either one are possessed by demons. I do believe that the devils demons can put thoughts into our heads and desires into our hearts that are not what we would normally think or choose for ourselves, as I believe they have been putting up roadblocks at every turn for my family. I pray. I will continue to pray. I ask my small group (Bible study) prayer warriors to pray for me and my family. I have faith that no matter what happens, in the end God is in control and I have to accept His plan for me.

HOWEVER, God gave us minds and he gave us the desire to interact with other human beings. He gave us the need for support and acceptance in our darkest times. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking support from friends, family, church family, and pepole who understand (such as are on this forum) in addition to seeking God's wisdom and guidance.

What God wants you to do, is something we'll have to agree to disagree on. I personally feel that exuding God's love and acceptance of us all is a far better way to help people come to Him than your approach. Even though I knew what you mean by the 'demon possession' comment, I can absolutely see how so many people here, especially those with ADHD, could take that as something really WRONG. Please be careful with your words. I think what God would have you do (or have us do) is to lend an ear, offer solid advice when we have some to offer, show compassion for everyone, and pray. You can do just as much by praying for those you feel are 'in need' as you can with all of the lecturing and preaching you've done so far. ONLY GOD can change someone's heart...so instead of trying to drop in like a bolt of lightening and topple everyone over, just pray. God would like that.

Close But No Cigar

Submitted by G on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 21:25

You started out sounding like you had a foundation spiritually but then drove off the road. Yes, we do entertain "angels unaware", via many different ways relationally throughout life. Yes God can move through donkeys, cause rocks to cry out, so Yes God can use a host of people to plant, water, sow, etc good tidings. Isnt 1 of the traits of ADHD, ADD defensiveness? Why the cause to defend yourself when there is no offense to be taken? Question, based on your knowledge, was ADHD, ADD around way back then? Yes! What it is to God then is still the same now! Period. Have your ever read about Spirits of Infirmities? Did you know each spirit has a name, a territory and special assignments attached to it? Did you know in order to expel those spirits we need to know who they are and have AUTHORITY THROUGH YESHUA to cast them out? Pill, therapy, counseling, etc would and will have no effect IF THE LORD DID NOT GRANT IT TO WORK IN ANY OF US. When I have a headache I dont quote a scripture to make it go away, I take some aspirin and PRAY that the Lord bring me relief through it, KNOWING HE'S BRINGS HEALING.

Compassion is what moved Yeshua to perform miracles as well as Teach the meaning of the Word of God. You think Im preaching, some of you are struggling with the meaning of what Im saying therfefore disregarding the message. Taking some wrong and saying something wrong are 2 different things. And NO, If only God can change someone's Heart, then why would he ask US TO TURN AWAY FROM EVIL, FOR US TO CHANGE OUR HEARTS?

The Westernized church has been preaching so long without proper teaching that folks think God has to do it all for us! When HE SAID, "greater things than these shall YE do!"

Im praying for deliverance, some of you are so hurt, these words offend. The love of God is trying to impart revelation and understanding where there hasnt been. Period!

I am praying for you too. I

Submitted by SherriW13 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 22:40

I am praying for you too. I don't have ADHD, but I love someone who does. We will fight our spiritual battles in private (not on these forums) and I will continue to help here in anyway God directs me to help. I don't know anyone who doesn't need prayer, so thank you for that. God bless.

Bearing Witness

Submitted by G on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 22:58

Hallelujah! Thats more like the conqueror that Yeshua made you to be! In the Holy name of Yeshua, I proclaim The Lord to INTERCEDE on your behalf for your Husband, yourself and family! You will attain and see The Lord's deliverance. I challenge all of us, including myself to come boldly to the Throne of Grace as the Woman with the issue of blood that tried all, Doctors, medicines, etc, witchcraft, pharmakea, and NOTHING CHANGED AFTER 13 YEARS OF BLEEDING as someone here stated before. His true name is Yeshua as spoken by the Angel Gabriel to Mary. Speak in Faith with Authority, tears flowing and hold God to His Word and taste of His Faithfulness.

LORD I PRAISE YOU RIGHT NOW FOR DELIVERING ME AND MY WONDERFUL WIFE AS I STAND BOLDLY TO INTERCEDE FOR OTHERS, YOU SAID THAT AS WE TEACH OTHERS TO BE SAVED, WE WOULD BE SAVED IN RETURN. I CAST MY OWN WORRIES AND STRIFE ASIDE TO HELP ANOTHER, AND WITH THAT YOU ARE SOO PLEASED ABBA.

I THANK YOU FOR BEING FAITHFUL DESPITE MY OWN UNFAITHFULNESS TOWARDS YOU AND THOSE YOU BLESSED ME WITH. I ASK FOR YOU TO FORGIVE ME AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THESE FORUMS FOR OUR SINS BOTH KNOWINGLY AND UNKNOWINGLY, SINS OUT IN FRONT OR THOSE THAT ARE HIDDEN. I PERSONALLY EXTOL YOU FATHER FOR YOUR INSIGHT, DIRECTION, DISCERNMENT, AND THE MANIFESTATION OF MIRACLES.

Sherri you will see an abundance of miracles and changes starting within yourself within these next 30 days. 30 in the Hebrew alphabet represents The Blood and Dedication of Christ Yeshua.

I am more than confident of this prophetic Word and eagerly anticipate your confirmation of it.

Shalom!

Aren't there other sites for this kind of thing?

Submitted by Sueann on Tue, 05/10/2011 - 10:41

You can believe whatever you want, of course, but aren't there other sites where people can share their Christian/Muslim/Hindu/whatever beliefs? I am looking for ways to learn to live with an ADHDer, not trying to be converted. We all have the same problem. I am agnostic, and my husband is a devout Lutheran, but that belief system does not make him behave the way husbands are supposed to behave (because he has ADHD). Can't we just focus on the thing we have in common? We all love, live with, or are people with ADHD. I wouldn't talk about my knitting or my paralegal career on this site, so let's keep it to what we have in common.

...and although I appreciate

Submitted by SherriW13 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 22:43

...and although I appreciate learning anything and everything about God, I have the knowledge of God's word, through His word, of how to arm myself against spiritual warfare. I am not afraid. With God, all things are possible. I fight spiritually and in my humanness everyday. ;-)

Please read the forums

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 09:56

Please read the forums carefully before responding. As a new person here and not familiar with the format, you seem to be responding to two different post-ees. My advice about "read and learn" still stands. :)

wow

Submitted by simora on Tue, 05/10/2011 - 14:17

turn your back for 5 minutes, sheeesh

Very well said!

Submitted by SherriW13 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 18:01

Very well said!

I don't know what to do

Submitted by luckypep on Thu, 06/30/2011 - 11:20

I just came across this site so please excuse me if I'm way behind in the conversations.

I've been with my fiance since September 11, 2009. He proposed to me on January 1, 2010 and I could not be more in love with him. When we met, things were great... amazing even. He was caring, sweet, sensitive, and protective over me. He promised to always care for me and never harm me (emotionally or physically).

It's been over a year now that our fights have gotten progressively worse and I can't seem to wrap my head around why his temper is so horrible. I've always known that he had ADHD. He has a bad temper with his mom but of course, getting into a relationship, you don't think that he'll ever do that to you. The hurt is so deep that even writing this brings me to tears... at work. At work, I cannot focus. At home, I'm scared to say the wrong thing or walk away at the wrong time because one wrong move, and he erupts. There are issues in our relationship that we have yet to overcome (i.e. a miscarriage & other hurtful things that he's done save for cheating on me). Every time we fight, something is destroyed: our walls, our cell phones, our bedroom, and most recently, the remote control. He won't let me leave and if I do, he'll destroy something else. He's gone to great lengths to hurt me and call me names. I end up feeling worthless and sometimes I don't know if he doesn't mean it or if he does. I don't know whether to call this domestic violence or chalk it up to symptoms of ADHD.

He doesn't want to go to therapy. He's been to therapy so many times and he doesn't feel like it will help him.

I'm not an angel either and I know that I do a lot to add flame to the fire when we argue but it's so unhealthy. I can't take it anymore. It makes me so aggravated that he cannot sit down and think about the impact that his symptoms are having on this relationship. He chalks up our fighting to my "disgusting attitude." How can I have a positive attitude when I know the minute something goes wrong, he'll flip out again. It's gotten to the point where I'm just scared of him.

I'm in love with him but I can't go on like this. I don't know what to do. Is anyone else in my position? Is it worth it? Help...

Right after Vik and I were

Submitted by Auntielo57 on Fri, 12/31/2021 - 23:30

Right after Vik and I were married my mother died. 4 months later my best friend died. I was devastated. I couldn't fathom another loss. I begged, comprised everything just to keep our marriage together. There was so much crap that I overlooked. My family and friends were dumbfounded because I'm very educated, successful and independent. Everyone saw the emotional abuse, but I made excuse after excuse. I allowed Vik to 'run with scissors'. It was only recently that I came out of my fog. I realized that I had lost my voice. I had given up my power. I tried to change everything about myself to please her. Nothing was enough. I sit here alone on New Years Eve and it hurts but not as much as being the victim of her mind games. Love yourself more than you love him. Be kind to yourself. Yes , like me, you're no saint....but ask yourself, are you all to blame? Have you given it your best? It takes two to make it and two to break it. You can't change him. You can only change yourself and sometimes that means walking away

All but gone,my numbness scares me

Submitted by Justbreathe on Sat, 04/26/2014 - 13:34

I can so relate to this post, my DH, and I dont mean Dear Husband, is and has been verbally abusive toward me and friends throughout the 20 years of our marriage, I have lost friends because of this and we are rarely invited by some to any event. I often go alone and am to the point that I hate the thought of spending time doing anything with my DH. I have so much peace when hes not home and dread seeing his car in the driveway as I approach home. I'm ready to physically leave, as I have emotionally left, years ago. Melissa is right, its not ADHD that kills a marriage its the denial! I'm soooooo OVER IT! Its been over 2 mos since the topic of ADHD was addressed in our marriage. Being in the medical field, he's called a psychiatrist 4 times and still has not executed the making of an appointment. We had a major blow up last night, Over something so stupid. In fact it was over something he perceived that happened, that actually DID NOT HAPPEN! I can say this because there was a witness! He wouldnt take my word for it, so he called this person to get the facts. I got a lame apology this morning and I felt NOTHING! I was numb. Just one more in a long line of lame apologies...I'm moving today to another bedroom. He also got a copy of Melissa's book, has been reading it and said this morning that he now sees how his undiagnosed,untreated ADHD has damaged our marriage! WOW, Really? I should be relieved but I just want out. I want to wake up alone, go to bed alone and get my peace back! Have the freedom to do as I please without him. There is nothing he can say or do to change my mind at this point. There are no Adult ADHD specialists in our town and I wouldnt go anyway. The damage done is complete, I dont care if he gets treatment or not because I'm out. A friend said, "he really does love you" REALLY? BFD His love is too painful, despite our difficulties, I've raised 3 beautiful people who contribute to the world outside and I thank God for His grace when I failed, with empty nest, NO reason to stay...I will be seeing a lawyer next week... too little too late...

Good for you!!! I'm dropping

Submitted by Auntielo57 on Fri, 12/31/2021 - 23:32

Good for you!!! I'm dropping off divorce papers next week. Happy NEW YEAR

BLUEPRINT

Submitted by Grrr on Thu, 01/07/2016 - 13:19

You are amazing for what you go through. Your story could almost be a blueprint for my story. You are SO LUCKY that he is getting help for it. Mine just won't. I am lucky if he stays on his meds. Your story totally resonates with me. TOTALLY. I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. You love them and everyone thinks you are nuts for staying.I hear you. I understand and for me, i just had to take small breaks. I don't believe there is any fast fix. which is what we need due to the fact that we have been enduring for so long. I broke up with mine for two months just to save my sanity. I missed him terribly but it was make or break time. I ended up getting back together with him. I love the sweet stuff; hate the bad stuff. I am going to come back to this site more often. I think it helps. Good luck with yours. <3

Just Want You to Know Im Here Too

Submitted by VLS on Fri, 01/08/2016 - 18:48

Obviously I found the site for all the same reasons the others here did. My relationship is hurting and Im trying better to understand what I can do to better handle the situation. My BFs ADHD and alcohol abuse severely affects my sanity. He is completely impulsive with money and has verbal explosions where he tears me apart any time I voice my opinions because Im nagging or trying to emasculate or control him. This is not the case at all though. I really want a partnership, I want to be a team. I truly appreciate all the suggestions and even more so every ones testimony. I have honestly felt like no one can understand (typical I know). I wish everyone here the best I hope you all find/have found peace.

I completely understand! I

Submitted by Auntielo57 on Fri, 12/31/2021 - 23:15

I completely understand! I bet he was very charming and attentive at the beginning of the relationship....huh?

Hi, wow ! My heart feels for

Submitted by Auntielo57 on Fri, 12/31/2021 - 21:50

Hi, wow ! My heart feels for all of you and I'm thankful to have found this blog. It's New Years Eve. My wife has ADHD. We've been married two and a half years and it's been hell fire almost all the time. When it's good it's wonderful, but the bad times have sorely outweighed the good. I'm not her priority. She's extremely contrary. She's never wrong and RARELY apologizes when it's clear that she is. I've been to the emergency room and texted her. She never asked what was wrong or where I was ( we haven't lived together for over a year and a half). She said, "if you want me to come there, you have to ask ". OMG really? That's an example of the least of her behavior. She can mess up a Sunday church picnic. She's thrown away things I've given her when she was angry. When we have arguments, it's always my fault and if I didn't reach out to her I'm confident I'd never hear from her or see her again. She seriously has no boundaries and never hears my, 'no'. Yet, according to her, it's me who has no boundaries and never hears her ' no'. During the height of the pandemic she was going to have me taken off of her healthcare plan. I was furloughed at the time. She came into a large amount of money and moved out. She spent thousands of dollars on a ' friend' ( nothing romantic) while I struggled financially but would never ask her for a dime. She has caused many a rift between my friends and family.
Right now I'm feeling beaten down. I've come to the conclusion that her behavior is very emotionally abusive. We spent Christmas together and had a nice time, but yesterday she went into a rage and deliberately tried to trigger my PTSD. I've worked long and hard to learn and control my triggers. My mistake was sharing them with her. I shared them so she'd know not to scream at me or jump out and surprise me. She got right in my face and screamed at the top of her lungs and then said, "are you going to call the police?" What the heck!!! That was a knife in my heart. I didn't respond. I told her yesterday that im filing for divorce. I'm 64 and she's 71. I don't think there's any hope of changing for her. I know im no angel but I do own it when I'm wrong and I apologize.

Hugs

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Sun, 01/02/2022 - 12:50

Sending you strength as you find the courage to do what's right for you.

This is literally like

Submitted by woman on Tue, 02/08/2022 - 08:59

This is literally like looking in a mirror! My situation is pretty much identical. We have been together nearly 8 years, married for 5 and have a 2 year old daughter. My husband was not like this when we met or married, but he clearly has always had ADD from a young age (he says this himself) His mother and brother most probably also have ADHD but have never acknowledged it. His brother has huge anger issues and is verbally abusive yet blames it all on his previous relationship. My husband knows that his brothers behaviour is unacceptable yet over the past few years, he's been acting very similar!

I sometimes stare at myself in a mirror and say what did I do to deserve the way he's treating me? I have never had anyone speak to me the way my husband does. When he is nice, he is lovely but when he is in one of his moods he is down right horrid! I've been talking to him since 2017 about his behaviour and how it effects me. The outbursts, the blaming, the unfair and unnecessary comments, the overthinking, the unpresent behaviour have all taken its toll on me. My self esteem, confidence and mental health has massively been effected being in a relationship with this man. I am more than understanding of his feelings and try to be as supportive as I can but I'm really struggling lately. The biggest issue is now lack of respect. How can your husband say things such as "you're a bully, you manipulate, you need a proper job, this arguement escalted because of you," and you know its not all true!! He says dont be so passionate about it, but i do feel passionate about myself and who i am and who i stand for, which he is slating! That argument then continues into the evening and the cold shoulder and him sleeping in a seperate bed and not even saying goodnight (i am also guilty of not saying goodnight now as im just so upset) and then in the morning he either continues to be in a mood or be quiet because as he says it takes him a while to get going in a morning and he's so tired. Or hes fine and just says "oh dont take it personally, dont listen to me i didnt mean it".I apparently never understand how tired he is, how difficult his work/life balance is. And god forbid if i mention how tired i am running my own business with a 2 year old i look after alone for 70% of the year as he works away. He says it's completely different and im just never going to understand him. I also need to add that i am super confused by him as hes told me if im not earning in a few years i need to get a proper job and think about a different career. He asks me how much I've made and that it's not a lot for the amount of effort I put in. Yet on another day he says I'm amazing at what I do and I've done so well and he's super proud and im born to do this?! We must have had the same argument about 10 times about my work and earning money. He says he understands when I say I've saved a pot of money which will go towards paying a lump sum off the mortgage, yet he then turns around and says he needs me to be earning money every month, a regular income. We have chatted about this normally after the arguements and we think he gets so outraged because he is anxious about having the responsibility of the house on his shoulders. I completely understand this but i had a house before we met and all that money went into our houses so its not like ive never helped the household before financially, its just things are a bit different with me now being a mum. But im trying my best! And he does know how hard and relentlessly i work. And he then says he wants me to look after our daughter and there is no rush to earn money, and wait until shes at school. So i just constantly have mixed messages !

He also brings me down about the house often with me getting panicked if he says he's coming home early from work as I've not had chance to tidy up. He says not to worry about the state of the house, but then when he gets in he has such a go at me! It makes me feel awful! I have never and will never be an old fashioned style house wife who cleans constantly. Ive not changed that view since we met.

I don't feel like I have a partner let alone a best friend! I feel like he had taken some of my soul away. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be and I find myself being more negative myself now. I tend to always have an excuse not to do things such as spontaneously being invited to my sisters house, or saying at her bbq a bit later than our daughters usual bedtime because I've got so much to deal with mentally and if I'm not in control of certain things and stick to a routine, I'm just going to cause further agro to myself and I can't cope with anything else being such hard work!

He thinks very differently to me and I always thought we had the same values in life. He worries about what others think of him, almost a bit paranoid and he gets absolutely fixated on a topic and if I have a different opinion I get blamed I'm always on the other person's side. He tells me I should take some time out for myself, but if he's been busy doing something for example letting our daughter to bed and when he comes down and dinner isn't ready, he asks what have I been doing? And says you've been on your phone again, you're on ut all the time, I'm sick of it. Yet I have to be on my phone due to my own business, and he is always on his phone scrolling through social media or on chats for work. I sometimes ask him to help me out with work and he actually just says no. I've never had a partner ever say that to me before. I would always help him with anything. But that's the difference, I do things I don't want to do all the time and he doesn't. But maybe that's the right thing to do for your mental health? Learn to say no more? I just know that it doesn't make me feel very supported at all.

He can go from zero to hundred in the flick of a switch if he doesn't like something I've said. And then if I try to explain that isn't what I meant, he says stop trying to get out of it, you have an excuse for everything. Or he says after when he's calmed down, we'll if you'd have said this I would have blown up. But how can I know how he's going to take something or know what he wants to hear? I honestly feel absolutely frazzled and sometimes I almost sit with my mouth open in shock, he's even said before to me, "why do you look shocked" and I'm like, I can't understand what's going on right now. I must have cried on average half the year for the past 5 years. I've never argued with any other partner, I haven't grown up with family or friends who argue, yet he has so I don't know if part of the issue is childhood trauma or he gets certain triggers from it. I do know that he used to argue with his ex girl friend a lot and he thinks it's weird I never argued with my ex.

I also feel like I need to point out we've not had sex in nearly 3 years. Some of that is due to having a baby obviously but the rest is due to loss of respect and I honestly can't be close to someone who acts how he does to me.

The light that I am still holding onto is my hubby does acknowledge there is something wrong. He has reached out to his doctor previously to ADHD for depression. And he knows he suffers with anxiety. He did some therapy online during covid because his anger was another level however he spoke more about his brother and mother during these chats rather than his actual own issues.

He wants to change his behaviour, it upsets him how he's being but it's just not getting better and it's destroying me and potentially effecting our daughter now which I just can't have. He's on a waiting list to be referred for ADHD but due to covid it could be years we have to wait. I'm so very tired and sad. I can't talk to anyone, he says not to speak to people about it as once they know, they will have a different opinion of him. But I've said I'm struggling not talking to others about this. I think that's half the reason why I don't help some of our situations as I always want to talk about them right away and talk through things yet he can't deal with that when he's having these episodes. I'm told I'm nagging, I'm going on, I always have to be right, and I go on with myself. He also says things like "shut up" or be quiet which he is saying as his brain is full but I see it as a red flag and behaviour that needs to be discussed as I don't think I should have to put up with it.

I just tell him I want him to be happy and I'm proud of him acknowledging that he needs help. I've said just focus on you, self care, meditation, exercise, good food, until we can get the help he needs. But I'm not sure if we can ever get things back to how they once were. We have spoken about separating recently, said in the heat of the moment as well as when we are more peaceful. He's said he just wants me to be happy. And I know he is struggling with the lack of affection from me, he tells me, but I really struggle to even hug him sometimes after what he's said. I know I can't hold onto this forever but I guess until there are bigger improvements I feel like I can't let my guard down.

Katie

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Tue, 02/08/2022 - 09:04

"I can't talk to anyone, he says not to speak to people about it as once they know, they will have a different opinion of him."

THIS.

You need to speak with someone about what you're going through or you will go mad. It's not fair to you that you should have to keep it all inside. Perhaps you could find a professional and impartial third party to speak to. Dealing with this all by yourself is very isolating.

Hugs,

***Adele.

Thank you for your comment. I

Submitted by woman on Tue, 02/08/2022 - 11:54

Thank you for your comment. I know I do need to talk to someone. I will look into it, it's just a cost I can't afford at the moment unfortunately.

Omg this is me

Submitted by ashlwy1971ross on Mon, 11/07/2022 - 19:21

Just feels better to know I'm not allow . This is exactly what I am living through now . It's devastating.

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