Submitted by NJTWINMOM on 05/30/2012.
Some of us just want to chit chat and not mess up anyones threads (I do apologize for any I have been a part of)
Let's just use this thread.
Bad day with ADHD husband. He hasn't spoken to me "other than being civil" since Thursday...I am so sick and tired of asking.....it's really not worth it anymore. I am starting to see that this is going to go nowhere and I am so sad.
Not much Chit Chat yet...
Submitted by YYZ on
It has been a pretty cold week at my house too. I pulled the trigger on it, so I guess I have it coming... It still sucks, though.
Maybe the weekend will improve things... Hopefully at your house too...
who knows
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Oh we have the usual banter, but I have wanted him to talk to me for about 10 or so days now and AVOIDANCE is all I get. He offers to do this and that and polish my toenails ...yes ..all lovely....but come on....the distance is palpable and so is the anger.....cute little things are nice when all is good, not when it's like this.....it just doesn't mean anything....and he DOES NOT get that.
Possible explanation...
Submitted by YYZ on
Starting communication lines back up after a major blow-up was always pretty tricky for me, especially before diagnosis. I would try to break the ice with some kind of topic that was not confrontational. I would think it would be an easier way to get back to the bad topic without already being angry. I am pretty sure I would try and do something that I knew she liked with the same intent. My DW thought I was just trying to forget about the issue because it was a new day... The "Reset Button" is a nice concept, but rarely practical.
Told him today
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Told him today I was fed up and hurt. I thought we were going somewhere since he began the medicine and that things were really, really good. That only lasted when I was in complete charge of every single thing. He claims he is frightened to death to talk to me when things are like this and has no clue how to begin conversation. Told him that doesn't cut it anymore, and if we don't communicate, that's the end. I kept us together for 25 years, with no real motivation on his part to make me do so. Now...it's his turn. Talk or walk.
Talk or Walk
Submitted by YYZ on
It really does come down to this simple thought. I was the same way before my diagnosis, my DW would have to drag information out of me in difficult conversations. After diagnosis, things are a bit different. I can engage in the conversation pretty easily, but it was still like a very new ability for me. I had/have difficulty gaging my reaction to a conversation, but I will say that I keep my cool much better than my DW. The anger gets the best of her and throws things into a less productive mode. I am sure it is hard for her too, having to adjust to my engagement in the conversation and instead of pulling out my word, she has to hear what I have to say. It is still hard after an argument to get back to normal conversations. Really hard during the work week when you don't see each other, other than a few minutes before work and a couple of hours after work with the kids around.
I hope your DH figures out a way to talk to you. You deserve it after carrying the load for most of your marriage.
YYZ
Submitted by Got It on
YYZ, I have been reading with interest your posts with regard to your wife. It seems like such a shame after all you have been through to not yet be in a place that is completely comfortable for both of you.
Have you tried using your pre-diagnosis to put it in perspective ie. you know Hon, the way I just didn't get it before diagnosis; how you would talk and talk and yet my behaviour and thought process was still a problem. Our roles have now reversed. I am talking and trying my best. You are not understanding the impact of your thought process. I need you to consider it may be that your thought processes are off and deal with it the same way you expected me too. Just because I have a problem does not excuse you from addressing yours.
I get the sense that you spend alot of time and energy accepting blame and trying to make up for the past and that is as it should be...to a point. As Oprah says, "when we know better, we do better". If your roles have fallen into the wounded party...her, and the contrite offender it can become a little too comfortable in which case nothing will change. Perhaps it is time to expect more. I am a big believer in the saying, "if nothing changes; nothing changes". If what you have been doing isn't working change up and try something else. Because the roles, even though not optimal, may be comfortable/safe right now she will fight change so expect worse before better but... you are allowed to have boundaries too.
jmo
Thanks, Got It...
Submitted by YYZ on
I guess I am still in the change comes slowly, so as she was patient with me, I am trying to do the same thing. I am trying to show that some of my new awareness/communication attributes Are the new normall expected behaviors from me. Talking about ADD as my condition has been a tricky situation. I am not sure how much my DW really believes in the condition. She sees that I got a diagnosis and meds which had an immediate affect on my personality with the side effects of weight loss. It took a long time to get her to stop referring to my meds as "Speed". She knew the name but used Speed in angry outbursts discussing my weight loss, which is the Main change in my personality that she sees. The facts get lost on this subject.
We struggled with our weights for the entire time of our marriage, she admits she is jealous that I got the "Magic Pill" and give nothing to the disorder it seems to improve. My DW thinks that I don't understand/cannot relate to the struggle anymore. I struggled for my whole life and can understand how hard it is.
My wife and I have discussed my communication skills improvement many times, as I have told her I am adjusting to how much I react to things, especially now that I see more body language/facial expressions, which is a New language to me. I've told my DW that I believe we need more couples therapy to work through these issues we alone cannot get through. My DW says she needs to go back to her therapist to work on her anger and other issues. I guess I do have some boundaries in place. If she starts dropping foul language at me (She never does this to anyone but me and only when she is angry) I ask her to stop, because I don't do this to her (One of her boundaries, ironically) I truly understand my DW's insecurities and they started long before she ever met me. I hate the fact that now "I" am something/someone else she has to worry about humiliating her by action/inaction on my part. At the time of my diagnosis, I (In her words) was the only person she did not have to worry about and now she has to add me to the list of concerns. I feel horrible to this day because of this fact.
I hope she does see her therapist soon, but I cannot make the appointment. She could not fix me / I cannot fix her, but I will be patient like she was for me.
Finally have to ask
Submitted by gardener447 on
Ever since I've been here, I've been wondering, and haven't been able to read between the lines enough to understand.... Was your wife happier? in your marriage before your diagnosis? How did your diagnosis/treatment/all that fricking work you're doing turn you into someone she now has to worry about? I totally get the weight resentment, but that change alone shouldn't be enough to make her feel you're not on the same team anymore.. did she "like" you or your marriage better before? No need answer if it is not my business / don't want to share. Just ignore this one.
Very good question...
Submitted by YYZ on
This is a Good question because she has told me that she did not think there were any real problems before the diagnosis. I think she may have been in her own "Non-ADDer Fog" because things just kept chugging along for so long. It is like my quirks were not too bad to her and she was used to my forgetfulness and oblivious nature, until I forgot something important or was oblivious to something that she expected me to notice. When I sought help from a female friend (Co-Worker) to see what someone neutral thought I could do to make things better in our marriage, this break of trust was worse to her than cheating. My unhappiness caught her so by surprise that she questioned everything afterwards. If I did that, then What else is there??? I was the one thing she never had to worry about, she said to me after she found out I talked to someone about our marriage. Now I have a brain disorder and I'm added to her list of worries. She feels like she has to please everyone and I was not demanding, constant, predictable and after my diagnosis, her one Rock had a fracture... I felt terrible that I took this from her.
She was happier because she thought there was nothing major wrong with us. I could not communicate what was wrong because of my terrible communication skills. Interestingly enough, on Sunday we were watching Extreme Make-Over Weight Loss Edition and the guy had lost a bunch of weight and his Soon to be Wife was really giving him a hard time about "Being so Different". The show explained how common this was for the spouse to feel disconnected/left behind. I did not say anything during the show, but I think something clicked with her. I've maintained my weight for about 2 years, it is not like I'm just getting smaller all the time.
I'm hoping the work will payoff soon...
Out of curiosity...It would
Submitted by Pbartender on
Out of curiosity...
It would take a little self-motivation on her part, but have you considered making the goal of getting in shape a joint effort? There's a lot of potential for using it as a way to do some interesting, exciting, adventurous activities together.
About a year and a half ago, my wife and I had both independently made some small changes to the way we ate and also added a little bit of exercise. Earlier this spring, we invested some of our tax return on a gym membership for the first time ever (we love the place... it's like Average Joe's Gym, from the movie Dodgeball). Then, we both registered for a local triathlon to scare ourselves into getting into shape. Even when things got their worst, just before my diagnosis, we still trained together at the gym and had that shared activity and the mutual success of losing weight and getting into shape to maintain a bond. In that time, we've each lost about 40 pounds... She's down almost 6 sizes, and I'm more than 4 inches smaller around my waist.
Oh, and the triathlon was last weekend... she beat me by a minute (because I stopped to help a guy fix a slipped chain on his bike ;) ), and we both just squeaked into the top 50% of finishers. We were pretty proud of ourselves. It was the most athletic either of has been in our lives, by a long shot. And I know that if the zombie apocalypse ever happens, we'll be able to escape on foot.
Pb.
Just to give proper credit
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
It is Maya Angelou, not Oprah, who said "when we know better, we do better"
yeah
Submitted by gardener447 on
My guy does that.... I call it checking to see if I'm over it yet.... I still say the I'm sorry we argued approach is worth a try... ;) You have to be QUICK and then GONE so she can't dodge it. LOL.
I like the suggestion...
Submitted by YYZ on
I will keep the "I still say the I'm sorry we argued approach" loaded up for the next time, but I'm hoping it will be a while Before "The Next Time" :)
no chit chat
Submitted by funnyfarm on
I just started reading this site yesterday what is DW & DH ? I must say its a relief yet sad to hear so many people saying all the things I am living also. Been married almost 20 years and feel like we are nearing the end. I am so very tired of the anger from him all the time, he is just miserable when he forgets his meds, which if very often. he is like a bomb and i never know when he is going to explode. The meds help so much but he may take them 2 or 3 x a week...is it not important enough or is it that hard to remember ? We haven't spoken all week, or maybe all month, just been getting cold glances, and why I'm not sure we didn't have a fight, he just hasn't taken his meds all week.
Acronyms: DW = dear wife; DH
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Acronyms: DW = dear wife; DH = dear husband. (Somewhat ironic here, aren't they?)
No chit chat...
Submitted by YYZ on
Since my diagnosis three years ago, I don't think I've missed more than 4 or 5 doses. I know how much better I feel with the meds and simply never want to go back to feeling the old way again. Do you notice a difference in your DH when he is taking his meds and he not like the way he feels on them? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right meds/dosage. I hope things improve for you. There are many people on this site that can offer help and understanding.
chit chat
Submitted by funnyfarm on
DH & DW now that is sort of funny.... Yes my H (sorry can't even use the D anymore) is better when he takes his meds. When he started them years ago everything was better for a few months, then he started forgetting a couple times a week, now i think he remembers twice a week. He feels better, work is easier for him, its like a dark cloud is lifted. He seems to have a real hard time letting go of bad habits and making good ones stick. I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic, or at least he has a drinking problem, is there a difference. he will go on the wagon for a month or two, then slide back into drinking. When he takes the meds, takes care of himself, we get along so much better, I just don't understand why he wont stick to it.
Dark Cloud
Submitted by YYZ on
Wow... It sounds like your H responds well to the meds, which like you describe, I felt like on the meds that a wet blanket was taken off my brain. Many ADDer's self medicate with alcohol. I've read in several books and know myself that alcohol, when you start to drink, kills the anxiety and slows the racing thoughts down, like Adderall for me, but the levels are too hard to control. After starting Adderall, I don't really care to drink, unless in a social event, even then I only drink a couple, Maybe 1/2 of the amount before diagnosis.
Unfortunately, maybe your H prefers the escape alcohol provides. The ADDer needs to do more than taking meds to work through the low self-esteem issues. The study I have done regarding ADD and it's effects have been as important, maybe more, than how much better I feel on the meds. I found out pretty quick, maybe 6 months after starting my meds, that it was not enough. I felt stalled, thinking "What is next?" I knew I had ADD, but it was just back there in my mind and I did not think it was good to leave it far in the background. I found this website and found that posting was therapy too. Reading about Both Side of the ADD/Non-ADD story. I've made good friends here and it has really helped. I hope things improve for you soon. Thanks for the nice words in your second post to me, I do appreciate it :)
Oh and I applaud you...your
Submitted by funnyfarm on
Oh and I applaud you...your list above, losing weight, exercising, etc. good for you and that you have stuck with it. I must say my husband did all that also maybe 3 years ago, lost 40 pounds, stopped drinking, took the meds, ate right, exercised, lasted for 6 months, best 6 months of our marriage sad to say out of many years. then started letting everything slide, gained all the weight back, drinking, everything...all the progress was just let go.