If, like me, you are a non-ADD spouse, it’s easy to dwell on the aspects of ADD that are inconvenient and troubling. But what about those things that an ADD spouse might find inconvenient about a non-ADD spouse, but which often don’t get voiced? I came up against this last night when in a conversation with my husband about how quickly the ADD mind works.
I had been thinking about the idea that an ADD spouse might feel it difficult to “slow down and wait” for his non-ADD spouse – in conversations, in how things get done, in how lives are lived. I mentioned this to my husband, who answered all too quickly for my taste “Oh, waiting for you to get through an idea in a conversation drives me nuts! You get there so slowly!” I know him too well to be offended by this, though the immediateness of the confirmation took me aback. There is great irony in this statement, as the most frequent criticism I used to get when I was in advertising was that I got to “answers” too quickly for my co-workers and clients and needed to slow down and let them catch up! If a woman who is deemed too fast a thinker is still too slow for my husband, what about other ADD couples?
No doubt some of our experience have to do with my inclination to repeat myself if I sense he’s not paying attention – a trait that I have learned in the last couple of years to minimize – if he’s not listening, I usually move to something else. But still…it made me think! In what ways would my “slowness” be a problem for him? What adjustments might he be making that I might not even notice because to me they are “normal” while to him they take a ton of effort? Food for thought…and it turns out here are some of them:
I can’t always follow his logic – his mind moves fast and skips around, sometimes in ways that are hard for me to follow. He has to double back to communicate clearly. Over the years he’s learned how to do this without feeling resentment at my slowing him down. At first, I sometimes felt he equated “slow” with “stupid”, particularly in the arena of technology, where I don’t catch on quite so fast (in part because I’m not much interested in it). But it turns out that it was just me that was equating his responses this way – he didn’t think I was stupid…he was just frustrated I got there more slowly. The solution? He lets me be slower when I need to, and when it comes to technology, he takes care of it all (all the way down to the t.v. remote control!) No hard feelings! (Isn’t acceptance wonderful?!)
He often reaches a conclusion about something long before I do. As he has learned the importance to me of my “talking things out” he has learned to let me ramble on a bit about my feelings so that I feel better about the process…but it’s not a process he needs at all, so his willingness to take the time to let me go on is a gift he chooses to give me.
He lets go of difficult issues faster than I do, particularly in emotional situations. Because of the speed of his mind and the ADD tendency to live in the present, he can “move on”, while I am likely to hold a grudge longer or ruminate. This is my way of looking at an issue from all angles…he’s already been able to do that. It takes a great deal of effort for him to participate in the process of rumination (about financial issues, about child rearing issues, about emotional issues in our marriage – big stuff) so that I feel good about how he has participated rather than feel he has abandoned the conversation before it is completed. His instinct is to move ahead full speed.
Before we reached our current level of happiness, I remember lots of times when I felt I just couldn’t seem to connect with him in conversations. In retrospect, I think some of that is that it took time (and internal motivation) for him to decide to slow down for me so that we could connect. Before he learned to slow down he would just get bored and move on. I say "learned" but that's not quite the right way to express it. He needed to decide that connection with me was desirable enough to make a commitment to slowing down and accepting my pace. It’s a humbling thought to me, and good to realize that I’m not the only one adjusting. Typical of his personality, he never mentioned it to me until I asked him about it. (It's no surprise to me that this commitment came after I had decided to stop hounding him all the time and he found me more desirable to be with.)
I will say that I have learned, through observing what he does well, that the fast "ADD way" can be simply another path to success. Sometimes the right thing to do is to follow your gut instinct, or to let go of something that you’re holding too tightly or too long. If you "let go" and it comes back, then you know you need to deal with it. Otherwise, you've saved time by letting it go.
Part of our success, I think, is that he’s learned to slow down, and I’ve learned when to “speed up” or let go. But until last night I had never considered the hard work it takes for him to slow down his mind enough to accommodate my needs as a non-ADD person.
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Comments
Surprise! Accommodating the Non-ADD Spouse
Submitted by JAM on
Melissa
It is true that too often we non ADD spouses look at things from only our perspective. We definitely need to understand how the ADD spouse operates.
What works for your situation though does not translate for me. You mentioned following his logic as something that you have trouble doing. One cannot follow logic that doesn't exist. If one uses the analogy of reading a book it becomes clear that the ADD spouse not only skips pages, but whole chapters so we have no way of filling in the crucial missing information. Of course the ADD spouse has to "double back to communicate clearly" because he left out vital pieces of information. Thus I am frequently in the dark about what he is talking. And he becomes upset if I ask questions for clarification. Thus even simple everyday conversations become increasingly difficult. Our counselor even had problems following what he was saying because of this skipping of pages and chapters during our counseling sessions and explained to him that it is the right of the listener to ask questions if he/she doesn't understand what is being said. And that this is no reflection on the speaker's ability.
"He lets go of difficult issues faster than I do, particularly in emotional situation." In my situation, my ADD spouse holds onto grudges for days and choses not to recognized my presence, speaking to me only when absolutely necessary. During those times I become a persona non gratis which of course is very hurtful. I am at a loss for what accommodations to make in this situation since he refuses to talk. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Following logic
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
When I say "logic" I really meant "flow of conversation" as you point out. The issue is exactly as you say - he leaves things out, or skips around because that is what his brain is doing, or thinks things in his head that he believes he has spoken out loud but has not, in fact, said anything about. For us, the solution to this has been to make his actions "neutral" - I used to get angry at how hard it was to follow, and he used to get angry that I couldn't follow him without his doubling back. As we've both come to understand what's going on and, importantly, accept it as just how he talks, it has become much easier for us to interact. I look more carefully for threads and ask right away for clarification if I get lost. He accepts my questions as simply requests for clarification, not as some sort of comment on how he talks or whether I think he's intelligent or something. It sounds strange to say it, but we have become more at ease with the distinct differences in how we talk, and that has made it easier to accomodate each other. So your counselor's comment that requests for clarification aren't a reflection on the speaker's ability is a good one that fits in, also, with how we have found our own success.
As for the grudges, it sounds as if that's a power play - a sort of punishment offensive to keep you from making things uncomfortable. (You don't mention what he's holding the grudges about, but the not recognizing your presence and persona non gratis is what makes me think "punishment".) Is there a common thread to the trigger events for these episodes? If you could find one, then you could work with your counselor to get across to him that he is trying to punish you for XXX (whatever it is) and that in so doing he diminishes you...so the two of you need to figure out a better way of dealing with his feelings about these episodes than to set up a situation which worsens your situation overall (by making you feel terrible). Something more productive.
If you can't identify a set of trigger episodes, I would be tempted to treat him as I would a teenager who was trying to punish me by not recognizing my presence. Acknowledge that this is what's going on, joke about it a bit, offer your love in any event, and basically ignore the power play (thus making it power-less). I would be tempted to say something like "I see that you're trying to punish me by giving me the cold shoulder for XXX, which you clearly didn't like. I would be happy to talk with you further about XXX at any time of your choosing so we can work through it productively, and in the meantime, if you wish to sulk so be it. I love you in any event." and go about your business. Power plays only work when they actually do get at you and make you feel bad. They're pretty ineffective if you let them roll off you. Be careful as you do this not to fight back by shutting him off, too, or it could turn into warfare. Continue to be your same, thoughtful self, as best you can.
You may wish to explore "control" issues in your counseling issues. He may feel as if you are trying to control him in some way, and his trying to control you is a way of asserting himself. These issues seem to be very common in marriages with ADD and personally, I think that they are best addressed head on so that both parties can start to delineate what they feel they each need to feel like unique individuals not bound by the behavior of their spouse.
Hope that helps.
Melissa, I'm glad your
Submitted by Anonymouss (not verified) on
Everything in above post
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Everything in above post sounds exactly like my husband. It is very hard for him to change because he has been like this a good part of his life. It can be very difficult to hold a normal conversation with him.
ADD - Fast and Slow
Submitted by plantlover on
My husband is a lot like yours. He makes quick decisions, but doesn't usually think things through enough to have a completed pictures of the issue before deciding. At other times, he'll do extensive research on something he wants to buy, but doesn't realize the point where he has a reasonable answer and looking further is just repetitive. I try to let him do things his way, but when his process affects my time, I do get frustrated and impatient.
He doesn't read social cues well and will monopolize a conversation. He also loves playing devils advocate and arguing. He doesn't want to take the time to hear what I have to say, but interrupts me to go on with whatever he's thinking about. Having a conversation with him means covering a dozen different topics in 15 minutes time. I don't know how to see the strengths of his ADD characteristics when I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with him.
But it IS logic to us
Submitted by Crissy (not verified) on
We don't think we think quickly
Submitted by mrsaware on
If we have to use words, then the thoughts are usually already gone and our brains are on to something else..not on purpose, they just do, and when our spouse asks a question, it's hard to go back and answer since we are already on to something else and haven't got to say it yet. My husband hates it when I know what's going to happen in a movie and blurt it out in the beginning.....he gets mad, like I knew the answer, but neither of us has seen the movie, so it's just a guess! I enjoy guessing, he says "watching the movie is enjoying the movie, not continually trying to figure it out, this is the enjoying...." Well, I am not TRYING to figure it out, my brain did it while I was noticing the time on the clock in the background and the print that is backwards on the side of the building, and what movie I just saw that actor in! We don't ask for help too often, either, because we have to slow down too much to explain what we need...it's easier just to do it by ourselves, if we can finish...
I email my husband a lot..this helps with communication and "tone of voice"....I have to slow down to type (I have learned, since he typed all my papers in college) and ask what I really want to know and tell him important dates....otherwise I complain I already told him that, and he says I tell him soooo many things all the time, he doesn't know which ones are important, since I say they are ALL important.....or at least I act like it....
Also, long car rides are good for conversation....if I am the passenger, I have a hard time sitting still.....he doesn't like me to drive because I notice, "too much that is not in front of me, where I should be looking".....I think I scare him....we have been married for 20 years....so some things don't change much, but these little tips for talking have made all the difference in the world!!! Just to make it harder, the NON-ADD husband went to Law School, and now I hate the word, logic..he tried to tell me I do not argue correctly....he says my thoughts are not linear, they go in circles, but all things fun are circles! math is based on cirlces! Bubbles, prayer groups, flowers, spirographs, snow globes, sunshine.....all circles!!!
We don't think we think quickly
Submitted by brejask on
My husband was diagnosed with ADD 4 months ago I find this interesting to read. I hardly let him drive anywhere if I do I watch the road continually. He gets side tracked and loses track of time doesn't realize how long he has been looking away and wanders. He has had a several accidents and many near misses. Circles, to me he talks in circles things that make no sense and usually I say he is on another wave length.
He doesn't ask for help either because it takes time to ask and he thinks he can already have it done but that is not always the case. Like the time he cut his finger on the table saw because he could get it done quicker than if he had to ask for my help.
I can relate to so much that you have said sounds just like my husband talking.
At this point for me the only peace I have so far is that we at least know what is wrong and it is a start.
it's often how you say it
Submitted by alliebean on
I laughed out loud when you mentioned: "I email my husband a lot..this helps with communication and "tone of voice". My husband has A.D.D and for me both our tones of voice are a big deal, as they can ignite immediate reactions from us both. We are newly married but I have noticed this for awhile. Luckily, i communicate better when i write and he understands better when reading things. But it is still hard. I am trying not to feel so hurt by the way he can talk to me, because i dont think he means it that way. I love him to death, but dont like the seperation poor communication can create between us and these issues. I dont like having to self talk myself into realizing that he isnt 'attacking' me.
"distant" communication
Submitted by arwen on
No question, internet communication has been a *big* help to our relationship. We have used instant messaging a lot to help defuse potential problems situations. Nobody expect IM to be fast, which works well for my husband (who needs time to reply coherently) and I don't get impatient with him because it's the IM that's making things slow. Maybe we're crazy, but we figure if it works, use it!
Both are logical!
Submitted by arwen on
I'm a non-ADD spouse with an ADD husband. I've come to realize that for the most part, my spouse *is* logical, even though it seems he isn't. What is logic? It's when your conclusion is consistent with all the facts you know about something. The thing is, the ADD brain has a tendency to lose facts sometimes. Any conclusion the ADDer makes based on the set of facts he/she can access at the time is logical *within that context*. The problem, of course, is that the context isn't complete (but that's extremely difficult for the ADDer to even consider!). The non-ADDer can frequently see a bigger set of facts and the ADDer's conclusion is *not* logical in that broader context. Conversely, however, the conclusion of the non-ADDer may seem illogical to the ADDer because it may not be consistent with the specific context the non-ADDer has considered. This discrepancy becomes manifest if the two parties explain to each other how they came to their conclusions. By pooling their perspectives, they can often make an even more "logical" conclusion together than either made separately. After all, even if you don't have ADD, you can still miss some pertinent facts in your thinking!
It's ALL a question of context!!
A funny ADD- non ADD spouse story for once!
Submitted by ajr on
Thought Id share a light hearted ADD- non ADD moment I experienced.....Hopefully puts a smile on your face in the big scheme of things.
The Tables were turned on me( so to speak) this weekend and I have to share this, as my encounter with my ADD spouse could have ended very differently...
All the posts talk about how an ADD spouses who are forgetful, dont remember, loses car keys, things etc over and over.... but this weekend, I the NON ADD spouse got a taste of my own medicine....
I was with a client for a two hr period in my office and misplaced my cell phone....Not something I typically do( ok maybe once a year!)....Couldnt find it anywhere. Had people dial so I could hear the ring to locate..and no ring.... Alerted my spouse who has ADD, and he was most sympathetic...I went all evening churning on this, on how Id have to replace it it not found....etc etc the hassle....My husband even got me to set up my GPS on the phone that night so it could be tracked...
Good news.. The GPS tracking said it was AT MY OFFICE but the GPS only pinpoints its location within 30 yds...so While I know it was in the office building, it could have been anywhere across 50 offices in the building.....Still couldnt find it! It was not in the obvious places of where I tracked my steps for the 50th time!
Woke up the next morning and scoured the office again, retraced my steps and became increasingly frustrated by not finding it. ...( my business makes it critical to have cell access for clients)....Sensing my increased frustration, My ADD spouse came to my office that morning for two hours hunting with me, emptying garbage (just in case it fell in )...and looking all over....Turns out one of my colleageages found it in the parking lot the evening prior and had it in her office...On a hunch, I looked in her office and found it on her chair! Yahoo I found it!
I guess the funny moment was for me.... the non ADD spouse had an "ADD moment" in which my ADD spouse was most caring and considerate of my predicament. He didnt berate me, or ridicule me, but was really helpful and caring.....He just chuckled when we found the cell phone....We had a " light hearted" moment.
It made me feel good and taught me a lesson to have patience and kindness when He experiences a true ADD moment, as I got a taste of the frustration he must feel sometimes at not being able to "piece things together"....
Under all these NON ADD spouse & ADD spouse behavior challenges, I think its important to count my blessings and to focus on the good things!
tables were turned
Submitted by JAM on
I believe I could be gracious and accomodating and give a great deal of my time helping someone who occasionally misplaced an important item. But we are talking misplacing the same important item or items on a daily or weekly basis and I have no more patience to be helpful when we have gone over and over and over and over plans to prevent this from happening so frequently. Too bad cell phones don't come with umbilical cords!
umbilical cords for misplaced items
Submitted by arwen on
JAM, it's ironic you use this particular analogy! Imitating an umbilical cord is pretty much how we solved this problem with my spouse. Except at bedtime or bathing, he wears a strap around his waist; on the strap is a case for his PDA and a case for his cellphone. (Many cellphone and PDA cases come with an arrangement on the back for threading onto a strap.) If there are other things he is having trouble misplacing on a daily basis, like keys, we can either attach another case, or we use clips to hook them on the strap (we like using caribiners, which you can buy in various sizes at many drug stores or hardware stores). The strap is also a lot easier to find, if he misplaces *it*, than any of the individual items. I got the idea from the handyman toolbelts you can find in hardware stores (which we also use when he is working on projects, to avoid the misplacement of tools).
The trick was to make such items both simultaneously hard to misplace and easy to find even if they are. Worked for us.
My two cents...
Submitted by Beth/Mom2TwoVikings (not verified) on
my two cents
Submitted by brejask on
My husband who is ADD is so much this way he can't wait and when I am trying to talk he starts putting words into my sentences. Very frustrating. My husband is also very good at building creating something he can do just about anything I need done around the house. But yes very very messy, disorganized which costs a lot of time trying to find things. We are too new to this and havent' found our balance yet.
I NEED HELP PLEASE
Submitted by Serverbound on
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, my wife and I started having marital issues, than the councelling phase. All was ok for a little while, than the marriage has been spiraling downward and we are at a point where she wants to leave. I saw on this forum a posting about a book and went in search hoping that it would help us get back on track and come to a point where we can move forward. I came accross a book that is about ADD not ADHD and I fit into all 6 stages of it and according to the book I am in the 6th stage "Ring of Fire" and for myself it has put a lot of clarity onto my behavior as well as what I remeber of my childhood which isn't very much.
I love my wife beyond words and I never would do anything intentional to hurt her, tonight she walked out. She is my world and I need some guidence how can I start to get this part of my life under control in order to make my marriage work.
I have all the issues of outburst, aggression, impulsiveness and many other related ADD issues that were posted by others that they experience from there spouses.
Don't give up
Submitted by vcalkins on
I've been married to a man with ADD for 39 years. I have wanted to quit many times. As long as my husband was taking his meds and going for couseling, I felt he was trying. I bet that your wife will too if you can just show her that you are trying. This can't be for a couple of weeks and then back to the old self. It has to be everyday for the rest of your life. Find another person that can hold you accountable for that. And if your wife can get some separate counseling....that might help. She needs some supportive friends that will let her vent but also hold her accountable.
RE: Dont Give Up reply to I need Help
Submitted by Serverbound on
I understand from my research that I have stage 6 and out of all 6 stages, I lack but 2 traits. Is there a intreatment center that I could go to or has anyone ever heard of such a thing. I really need help to start to be able to control the ADD.
I am extreamly heart broken and extreamly down that I let this tear my marriage apart in the way it has.
If anyone can help me it would be greatly appreachiated.
You sound like you are on your way
Submitted by mrsaware on
I hope this isn't too late, but you said you "let it" tear at your marriage and that's ownership...that's hard for us, and there is ALWAYS hope. Someone reminded me once if God can make something out of nothing, he can help your spouse fall in love with you again. So much of ADHD is taking the focus off of us.....the more we focus on serving others out of love, our need for touch, recognition and excitement suddenly gets filled. The adrenaline rush of sneaking to your spouses work early and setting up something they would love, or gettinghome before them and surprising them by something they would love that they know you hate, so it's truly just for them.....
I take medicine now, my husband couldn't take it anymore, and it turns out my teenagers didn't know I could be any different! It is still hard at times, but that's just humans living with other humans......since we naturally are seen as "children" we have to constantly take the focus off of ourselves.......over and over again......for ADHD, there can be no treatment center, there is nothing wrong with us!!! We are just inconsistent in our attentions.......(thank you for that, Dr. Hallowell) and if we did, we would say, "I forgot I went there!"
So make a list of the things people love about you and what you love about how God made you and then focus on someone else!
Pronouns!
Submitted by mrsaware on
I laugh as I read this, because as the ADHD- Tigger type, my husband, who is a calm special agent with a law degree, who writes detailed reports for a living HATES my use of pronouns....I had no idea how much I use them until my daughter said, "What do you mean, "Get the one I left over there, by the one I used whhen I was working on it before"....?" Oh.....this week in 3rd grade, I am teaching pronouns and make the children write more than 6 words per sentence and use describing words, but when I need something, I sound like a toddler. But if I am telling a story, EVERYONE listens and I use so many describing words people feel like they can feel the emotion or feel like they were there. Let me take that back.....it's probably not my words as much as HOW I say them. I am so animated when I talk, that once I lost a room key in China, and used body language to communicate what had happened to the maid. I hadn't lost the key, but left it in the slot on the wall so the A/C would stay on, she had used my key and took it out, so then I had NONE. She understood, apologized in Chinese and we laughed about it. I thought that was normal, but my sister tells me not everyone does that.....did I say I was 43?
My husband and I have found that same balance.....he will shop and get that one poster board the child needs for tomorrow, pays the bills, makes lists for Christmas, and puts my travel money in envelopes, like "Airport meals on the way there", and "souvenirs only", so I don't run out when I really need it! But I can retile a bathroom and calculate everything I need. I replaced a toilet, sink and light fixture one day for my mom after going to the beach with the kids. I taught myself to drywall, tape, mud and prime walls......I even have layed 2 laminated wood floors....he makes sure I sleep, or go to the dr if I am hurt, and I take care of animals, plants and kid stuff. I do all the painting and yard work. He is called the Gas Fairy. He puts gas in my car, late at night or while it as at my work.....he also keeps me stocked in diet coke (in the fridge)......he calls himself the "staple fairy". He also, must many times go pick up my ADHD meds because I forget to call it in and don't have time to pick it up before they close. He holds my purse at parties, and makes sure the house is locked up every night. I pick out his ties and make friends with all the wives of his friends, and can talk with all them men, too....I am usually too blunt or up front for the women.
The key to balance is not 50/50 or half and half....it is allowing your spouse to have it 100% their way some times and they let you have it 100% your way the other times.......20 years, and I can say it's even.......different times in life go more towards one of us, new careers- his way, new baby- my way, etc.....but we never look for it to be "our turn" we just do it out of love for seeing the other person in "their element"..........right now, his is a clean house, and a semi-quiet wife, and mine is more trips to Lowe's and dogs in the house. He's ahead at the moment.......but who's counting??? I forget, but he will remind me.
Time to grade papers and make some "special" popcorn! I also must give my faith in Christ the credit for all this balance........it must be bigger than me, or I would get off track, wouldn't I???? That sentence had LOTS of pronouns!
Have a wonderful week!!!!!!
Thanks
Submitted by adrenalized_thoughts on
Hi Melissa,
I have been diagnosed with ADD for a year now and it seems it's been a great reason for all blames. From family members saying there is no such thing as ADD to others pinning ADD on every course of action.
It's almost great to finally realize why you've failed throughout school but you're not actually stupid. But within days, it gets replaced by belittling on whether you took your ritalin or not and the lack of proper communication in every conversation becomes your fault, or ADD's.
And then when you go online to try and find out more, you realise that 99% of the information is about ADD spouses complaining about us.
What you wrote is identical to how my mind works, and it is relieving to see that some people do get what we have to deal with, and actually make an effort to understand. So thank you very much for this Melissa, there is no doubt we put a lot of stress on our spouses and should make an active effort in reducing that stress, but it's not something we can control, or intentionally do.