My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. We have been to counseling for about a year, but continue to have the same issues. The latest issue is his expectations of me. Last night, he approached me at 11:30 at night,when I was already in bed and asked me if he could use my car at 8:00 am the next day for a meeting that he had. His car was being repaired and he forgot to call the mechanic to see if it would be ready in the morning. Suddenly he wanted it to be my problem. I told him that he could not use my car because I had to take our kids to soccer at 9:00 (which he already knew about). He talked to a friend of ours and said she could take the kids and I to and from soccer while he had my car. I still said no because this is an ongoing issue. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but his lack of planning is NOT my emergency. I have to put responsibility onto him. Later, I found out that he road his bike 62 miles (round trip) to get to his meeting. I still did not feel bad. Instead, I felt like finally he is learning to take responsibility. I will NOT enable him, nor do I feel like I should be involved if it's not an emergency. Of course I want to help him, but I've dealt with this situation way too often, where he doesn't plan ahead and suddenly, it's my problem. Well not any more!!!!! This goes for paying taxes too. For years he has not paid his taxes and does not have deductions taken out of his UNEMPLOYMENT checks. I have been the one paying all the bills and paying his unpaid taxes because we are married and it would result in a lein against our mortgage (which is in my name). This year, I told him that he needed to contribute to what he owes and if he seeks unemployment, he needs to have taxes taken out. I said I cannot live like this anymore, nor will I live like this anymore!!!! I am serious. I don't know if I am getting older and bolder or just sick of all the responsibility. I know I can stand on my own and not afraid to. I will not enable anymore!!! Feeling fed up and sick of it all! He had the guts to say to me that I only help out when it's convenient for me. NOOOO!! I am more than happy to help if it's an emergency, but again, his lack of planning is NOT my emergency.
Expectations of non-adhd spouse due to lack of planning from adhd spouse
Submitted by speechie on 06/18/2009.
i REALLY appreciate your posting-and in hearing you stick up
Submitted by janne w on
for yourself-that is i say bravo!!
i am overtly learning how to strategize keeping up a friendship with a guy recently met who isn't diagnosed of ADDADHD.
in 3 months i've experienced a few fightings that we've had-his being pushy with me/not with great boundaries or claim of responsiblity of himself..
and yeah-i'm not telling you anything that you don't already know-but i am left in wonder as to how much he's motivated to get his ADD/ADHD under manage-so that he's more helpful to himself and: we-a group of people who want to share in helping him, develop a personal development organization-but i know that it won't go anywhere-if he won't bottom line it for himself the go and get multiple provisions of help-or it will be that his really mattering supports of life will go away-more worse-his kids will lose their dad, and granddad:(
it seems that i shouldn't care-like everyone else-but i'm different
because of my thrive of life-despite having been diagnosed my self of dyscalculia (yes-having it is not the same as ADD/ADHD however-for the learn of each-my dyscalculia and his ADD/ADHD i can have more compassion and equip myself with skills/tools-that in being connected/invested in him-he and i both can be of tutiledge-in each other's focus to live a good life).
none the less i will be careful, and not enable him-even if i do love him. i do have motive to love him-but i won't do so with his not being in management. for if he won't be at the effect of it/necessary vs optional in his life-he'll lose more about not showing up for his health-than my going away because he wouldn't take responsibility in taking up management systems, deconstructs, gain insight/gather new truths/transforms and meds-as applies..
again thanks for you post and keep holding up mightily:)
janne w
Thanks Janne W
Submitted by speechie on
I appreciate you reading my post
adhd in a 58 year old male
Submitted by beck (not verified) on
Your post makes me sad
Submitted by regal.70 on
speechie,
can see your point about not having to always rescue your forgetful ADD spouse, but i have to wonder (reading your post) if part of the reason he married you was that you were so non-ADD, so responsible? my man is a rock, and he has a truckload of common sense (of which I have little to none). if it weren't for him, there'd never be gas in our lawnmower or money for summer vacations.
i am the rushing river who comes at him from all directions. i realize that it takes all of his energy to get my head out of the clouds (to effectively "ground" me) but most of the time he does such a great job of pinning wings on my dreams. to ask him, he'd admit life without me was painfully hum-drum ;-)
ADD is a plus sign in our family, just like Dr. Hallowell says. what you did to your husband reminds me of many authority-figures in my childhood who tried to control and manipulate me by peeing on my dreams and stifling my options...do you believe that he is just lazy? he should work harder? how creatively humble your husband was to eat his hat and call on a friend to taxi the kids...
sounds like he was trying to cope with his ADD on-the-fly (like so many of us do) but you immediately pulled the rug out from under him by seeing his survival skills as a personal attack, and shooting back...how exasperatingly sad that making your point became more important to you than being kind and understanding to him? Hmmmm...
...boy, am i glad i didn't pick someone like you for my life mate, my compliment...how choked my life would have been.
Some of us spouses are tired
Submitted by kia (not verified) on
reply to kia
Submitted by newfdogswife on
My relationship is exactly the same. I am also tired and exhausted. After 27 years of this it has taken a toll. We have gotten a diagnosis but progress is very slow. My husband sees a counselor but it doesn't seem to do much good as there is little follow through on what "supposedly" they discuss. I'm 55 now, a time when I should be winding down from all the caregiving, start enjoying life and it is not happening. I don't like that. My mother is elderly and even though right now she is doing very well, I know some day she will need my help in caring for her. I will be there for her, too. I'm worn out just like so many others. I hope you have recovered from your bout with depression. It can be a horrible thing. Please take care of yourself, first and foremost. Good Luck!!
to Regal.70
Submitted by Trying To Stay Sane on
Regal.70,
I have thought for a couple of days about your post. I felt angry reading your comments to Speechie.
I feel it's callous of you to judge Speechie's behaviors. When I read her post I said "Right On" out loud! She did what I have done many times in my marriage. And it's been working for me and my husband for him to learn that his crisis is not my emergency. And dragging friends and family in to solve his crisis also puts a strain on those relationships - no matter how "creatively" he may be trying to deal with his ADD!
For you to comment that you're glad you didn't pick someone like her because your life would be "choked" is incredibly judgemental from my point of view.
You comment in your post that "there'd never be gas in our lawnmower or money for summer vacations." if it wasn't for your husband. And frankly that is how my husband is too. He'd also never pay taxes, forget the mortgage, forget the utility bill, etc. I personally would love to go on a summer vacation sometime - but he never makes enough money to make it work.
It may be okay with you and your spouse that he is the responsible one while you are free to wander the world with your head in the clouds, but many non-ADD spouses would like to have an equally responsible spouse. That is not some kind of controlling, stifling authority behavior - it's called a balanced marriage!
Kudos to you that you found someone to love you and take care of everything for you including pinning your wings on you so you can fulfill your dreams. You admit it takes all HIS energy to get YOUR head out of the clouds. Why should he be responsible for keeping you grounded? Why can't you ground yourself? I'm not judging you, if this works for you guys. But don't bash someone else for trying to take control of an aspect of her life to get her husband to get his head out of the clouds.
I have a real problem with the assumption that the non-ADD spouse doesn't have creativity, dreams, aspirations and dynamic energy and that our lives are hum-drum without the wildly creative chaos that you seem to think is so attractive in the ADD guise. Frankly, I'm an artist, creative, motivated, driven and dynamic in my pursuits - and I'm successful in these pursuits - and I don't have ADD - and I don't NEED my husbands creativity to inspire and bring interest to my life. I'm also responsible, grounded - and can play with my head in the clouds sometimes. I definately don't need to be the only responsible one in my marriage. It's an alternate reality construct to think that the oh-so-fantastic-wild-creative-ADD-joy is somehow all worth the struggles for the hum-drum life the non-ADDer would have without the ADDer. How shallow and barren. Non-Add people can be just as creative AND succeed because their executive functions are firing on all pistons.
Thank goodness my husband sees that I am creative, motivated AND that I spend a lot of time dealing with his stuff. He doesn't want me to take all my energy managing his life. He's trying to learn to deal with his life so the two of us can use our combined energies to accomplish twice as much!
Has it ever occured to you that your husband wasn't put on this earth to spend all of his enegry managing your life? You might be surprised to see how much BOTH of you can accomplish if YOU take a load off of him and let him have some of his energy back.
My mom has ADD pretty severely. Her husband of 35 years did EVERYTHING for her. He died swiftly and unexpectedly without life insurance. She was left not even able to pay her own bills. She never learned how! And like you, she had her head in the clouds and she's been an artist forever and he always "pinned wings on her dreams" helping her with her painting passion (that's NOT a judgement - I love her and her gifts!). But guess what? It's been devastating for her (aside from losing her husband) to try to learn in her early-70's how to do all those practical things that she never had to take responsbility for because he always did EVERYTHING for her. I've been helping her learn to pay bills, and do the practical things in life; including getting a job at 72 because she can't afford her mortgage. And I am coaching her - but I'm NOT doing everything for her. She is proud of herself for learning on-line bill pay, and she feels strong in her life because she is now learning to do things like pay her taxes, pay her mortgage, her insurance - and yes, put gas in the car. She is given a new sense of accomplishment and fulfillment because there was an insidious lack of self-fulfillment in not being able to do anything for herself - even in her marriage.
You might do yourself a favor and learn how to use your enegry to get your head out of the clouds, not only so the two of you can SHARE the energy you both have, but just in case he suddenly disappears out of your life. You might also consider that some of the people on this forum are looking for ways to bring equality and sharing in their lives to free up energy that will allow them to pin wings on themselves and follow their dreams rather than feel strictly like an anchor for someone elses life!
Bravo
Submitted by Devon on
Bravo Speechie. Holding spouses accountable for their actions is totally appropriate.
The whole concept that just because someone has a mental illness they are not responsible for their actions and their consequences only hurts them and us. It does nothing to improve the situation. Holding people accountable helps them get out of the "I'm a victim" mode of living.
I have a sign in my office that reads "Bad planning on Your Part does not constitute a crisis on My Part." I live by it.
I find Regal.70's post self-satisfying and myopic. Looks like denial and self justification to me. I get tired of people thinking that just because they are ADHD that they are somehow more creative than others. Or that they think they are all artists. It is absurd.