My husband has ADD and dyslexia. He was diagnosed during childhood. From the beginning of our relationship, his forgetfulness and carelessness have always been an issue. He was very careless with his money and had a significant amount of debt before we married. I found it easier to assume the bills, because then I knew they were taken care of and paid (or not paid late.) I eventually just started assuming more and more responsibilities. When he was left with something, I found he never did it, or did it wrong and I had to suffer the consequences of his decisions. Four years ago, we had a son. That's when things started to get worse. I became so overwhelmed with taking care of everything and everyone. We had a huge fight and decided to go to counseling to work on our marriage. The first counselor we had, wasn't really helpful, but my husband liked her so we continued to see her for a year. Eventually, I felt we weren't getting anywhere and we changed. The new counselor we are seeing has helped. During the course of attending counseling, my husband started Adderral. Things were starting to get somewhat better. He was more organized. Then he had something tramatic happen to him at work. He hit a person who was committing suicide. He was depressed before this happened. However, following the accident, he became more and more depressed. I feel my husband has been depressed the whole time I have known him. He presents well to others. However, he has very low self-esteem. It often made it difficult in counseling, because he presented so well. Things in our marriage began to spiral more and more downhill due to his depression. I tried to help him as best as I could. However, my husband does not understand emotions. He only understand concrete facts. Things to him are black or white. I became more and more frustrated and exhausted. My husband agreed to attend an out-patient intensive therapy program. This program helped him see a lot of his problems. The program became so overwhelming for him he had a nervous breakdown. We had a intense argument one night and he ended up hitting me. My husband has never hit me before and I became scared for my safety. He wasn't himself. He realized what he had done and couldn't face himself. He eventually was admitted for an inpatient hospital stay. He was discharged and resumed his out-patient therapy program. Upon his completion, he moved in with his mother to sort things out. I had my mother come stay with me to support me. Things were going fine for the last month. He was sharing things with me. Being more attentive to me. Then my mother left and is no longer there helping us. He is now overwhelmed with his responsibilities again. I am once again picking up the pieces. However, I am no longer feeling the responsibility to help him solve his problems. I am left feeling like I am caring for everyone and don't have any time for me. I am starting to get angry and frustrated again. I don't want to return to this feeling. Through the course of his out-patient therapy, his adderral was discontinued. It was felt it could be causing his increased depression and increased anger. Since he has been off of it, his depression has improved along with his anger. He was also on Ritalin and Stratera in the past and he had the same reaction with those. So I am left feeling hopeless. I see his ADD and being him and something that will never change. I have compromised on a lot of things. I no longer get upset when I find tv remotes in the fridge or bananas in our dresser drawer. However, I started giving him more responsibility. And he can't handle it. It takes a month for him to put something in the mail. I feel like I am constantly dealing with his issues and when I need support, I'm left feeling all alone. I love my husband dearly. We get along great when we don't have to deal with daily life. However, that is not reality. I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I am feeling helpless and hope
When can I relax and be taken care of?
Submitted by jade21 on 01/30/2014.
I'm really sorry, jade21
Submitted by Janice1512 on
I feel for your situation. I struggled for the last several years with an (undiagnosed to me) ADHD domestic partner. We would have celebrated our 6 year anniversary this March. On Christmas Eve, I ended the relationship, but the struggle continues. A few nights ago I had to tell him that I just cannot see us being friends as I would never tolerate my friends treating me the way he's treating me nor would my friends ever think of doing so. This has been an ongoing discussion for the last couple of days. I don't know what to say other than I'm really sorry. This must be horrible for you and terribly frustrating.
I just cannot wrap my head around this ADHD nightmare. I absolutely hate this disease. In reading these forums the last week, it has really opened my eyes to the damage this disease wrecks upon the person with the disorder, the spouse or SO, the relationship, and even the entire family. Today, having a moment of empathy or stupidity, I broached the subject of us trying to work things out. He seems to have accepted that ADHD is real, he's going to the psychiatrist tomorrow and given that since the breakup he's been actively paying some attention to me, I thought I'd propose that we try to do a reset (kind of like spaceystacey1975 is trying to do with her husband.) No such luck. He says that his vision of us getting back together is him doing or not doing this by himself and that if he wants to get back together we can do it then, but of course, we can remain friends in the meantime. No way that works for me. Final is final.
I guess that I feel that as long as you feel there is something worth saving then you should fight for it - together. When one or both partners feel it's not worth fighting for you then walk away and it's for good. I wish I had answers for you (and myself), but know that I wish you big hugs.
Thanks for the reply
Submitted by jade21 on
Thanks for the reply Janice1512. I agree this disease is a nightmare. Especially the depression and substance abuse that usually accompanies it. I also find it frustrating that no one around me seems to understand what I am going through. I hear all the time, "why are you still with him", "you've given him too many chances", "he's never going to change", "it's just who he is." Or I hear the opposite, "he's just like any other man who doesn't care about housework", "he's a good father I don't know what more you can ask for", "I don't know why you complain, he loves you." Until I came across this forum, I felt no one understood what it's like to love someone with ADD. Reading your response was refreshing. I feel like I've found people that understand. It's not easy making a decision when you are so confused about how you feel. One minute you love the person and the next you resent them like crazy. It also doesn't help when I feel the counselors and doctors don't respect or trust my opinion. I told them multiple times the Adderall is making my husband more angry and depressed. They did or said nothing. I told them multiple times my husband is near suicidal. Didn't believe me. When I told them my husband was drunk and highly medicated and drove - maybe that's just who he is!?! Really!?!? Someone who has expressed thinking about suicide you say it's okay to drink and drive. WTF! They look at me like I am the nagging wife. No I just don't like seeing someone I love self-destruct. His family didn't believe me either until he was hospitalized. This is a serious disease, but no one around me seems to understand how seriously this effects peoples' lives. I struggle too with the fact anytime I bring up issues related to his ADD he gets defensive. Nothing is going to change unless you face your problems and work towards solutions. Instead he lashes out or deflects the problem to me. I just want to be happy. I don't care or judge you for your issues. We all have issues. I'm sorry to hear you are also going through relationship turmoil. My husband and I did do a reset. I actually helped in our circumstance. We took a trip, just him and I. We reconnected and enjoyed each other like we hadn't done in a long time. I helped. I feel if we hadn't of done that, we would be divorced now. I helped me realize how and why I love him so much. It also helped me get past some of the anger and resentment I was feeling. Perhaps professional help will lead the way to changes with your significant other. Counseling has greatly helped my husband, but constantly applying what he has learned has been a challenge. Perhaps medication would also help your significant other. You are so very right this is not easy by any means and I wish the answers were clearer.
ADHD partner brings up such mixed emotions
Submitted by Janice1512 on
The decision to end my 17 year marriage was a snap compared to this breakup after only 6 years. At least with the marriage I felt that I'd exhausted EVERY possibility to save it before deciding that my ex-husband was really not a person of good character. Once I'd done that, I was resolved and never had regrets. This breakup is so much more complex as like you, one minute I love this man more than anything else in the world and then the next I resent being his mother and never having time to take care of myself let alone him taking care of me. I wish I'd known he had ADHD over the last several years while we tried marriage counseling, although after reading all these posts, I just don't know if that would have even saved the relationship. The "what ifs" are what has left me struggling as I try to move past this relationship. My ex ADHD partner was truly a wonderful man in his heart. It just seems that his heart and his brain are in constant conflict. He simply does not understand that there are consequences to his actions regardless of how admirable his intentions might have been.
I really wish that he would have been willing to try to reset after both myself and the therapist have now learned of his previous ADHD diagnosis. It's so obvious after reading up on ADHD that it has been the primary contributor to the failure of our relationship. As you said, proper medication probably would have been incredibly helpful along with counseling which acknowledged and addressed the specific ADHD symptoms and the relationship cycles that it brings about. I guess we'll never know. What a waste...
Sigh. I hear ya. : (
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Sigh. I hear ya.
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