Hi everybody... Im new here and decided to post to get some feedback from others who REALLY understand what I am going through. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago when we were actually seperated. He has been on and off medication the past two years and RARELY goes to counseling. When he is off his medication it's only because we either cant afford it or because he forgot his appt. He is taking Vyvanse 70 mg, and his new dr is having him take Zoloft also. Anyways I am so drained lately. I feel like all we do is argue! Today we argued twice because he "feels" like I am never there for HIM. I feel like all I am is there for him. I feel like EVERYTHING is about him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just want and need a supportive husband who will take charge and make me feel safe. I take care of the kids, bills, cleaning, our business. So yes sometimes I am drained at the end of the night and I have a bad attitude but it is because I am taking care of everything that I thought was OUR responsibility. He says I dont show him affection or act like I love him, and I feel like I dont even get a break to take a shower? He could sit on the couch ALL day while I take care of the kids and run the business from home and he doesnt even notice how much I have on my plate because he cant handle it. He tells me "Go on a ADHD website and read about it so you understand". I just dont know how much longer I can GIVE and GIVE and GIVE without getting anything! Sorry if it sounds like I am just complaining... I am so frustrated and feel so alone... Nobody I know understands our situation.
NEW HERE
Submitted by JillMP on 07/25/2009.
We All Understand
Submitted by Sueann on
Everyone who reads this website understands what you are saying. My husband decided working was optional after we were married, and didn't have a full-time job for almost 3 years. But did that mean he took care of the housework and laundry while I was at work for 13 hours (2 shifts) every day?? No, of course not. I criticized him, so he did nothing. I didn't like that he ruined my dry-clean-only silk pants (a Christmas present from him) by putting them in the washer, so he wouldn't do the laundry. I expected him to wash both the front and the back of the dishes (we stack them in the cupboard), so he wouldn't wash dishes.
All of this is just to tell you that we've all "been there." I don't have any solutions. My husband finally got on medication, so he is able to work. Now I only have to work one shift, so he feels, I guess, that I have time to do it all.
Not alone
Submitted by Elaine on
Jill,
You are NOT alone. This website is full of people who understand exactly what it's like to live with the type of frustrations you are describing. The difficult challenge is figuring out for yourself what you want to do about it. I have only been married for a couple of years and, after reading posts from people who have been married for 15, 20 or 30 years and are at the end of their ropes, I'm not sure I want to gamble that things will get better in the future. I'm seriously considering getting out of my marriage but have feelings of guilt about not trying hard enough or long enough. You will find support here. Welcome and I hope you find some relief.
Stay in relationship? Depends on where you are
Submitted by arwen on
Elaine,
I've been marrried to my ADD spouse for 35 years, but he had very few ADD-related symptoms when we married -- in my husband's family, the ADDers improve significantly through puberty, then get seriously worse in midlife as hormones decrease. As a result, I didn't have to start dealing with ADD-related issues until we'd been married for 15 years, and we already had children. It felt a lot like Dr. Jekyll had been replaced by Mr. Hyde, and I seriously considered getting out of my marriage at that time. The *only* reason I did not leave was that our son, who also has ADD (undiagnosed at that time although suspected ), was a pre-teen and having a lot of problems emotionally and with his social relationships, getting into trouble at school, and his counselor told me that kids with his problems tended to end up in trouble with the law and drugs when there wasn't a father present in the home. In the face of this, I felt like I could better handle dealing with my husband's issues than I could deal with the trouble my son seemed headed for if I were the only parent. I reconsidered leaving my husband at other later points, but I was very concerned about custody issues by then -- I would not have been satisfied by any arrangement that gave him any custody rights or unsupervised visitation, because my husband had demonstrated repeatedly that he was not capable of safely supervising the kids himself -- and by that time I knew that my husband's parents would convince him that he should fight that kind of custody arrangement (they are *still* in denial that he has ADD, even though he has accepted it and has been treated for it for 15 years -- to them it's all a myth I concocted).
Was it worth it? Very hard to say. I do believe my son ended up better off by having his father in our home, and learned a lot from my husband's "bad example". There's no question that he is much more responsible than my husband is, as a result. My husband handles his ADD issues better as a result of all the work he and I have done on it over the years, but I don't know that he's necessarily any happier. Our younger daughter grew up knowing only a dad with ADD, not the kind of person he'd been before, and so she thinks this behavior is normal, which concerns me a lot, especially since her current boyfriend has ADD too, and I foresee a lot of heartache in her future from it. Some of my most cherished personal goals have been lost by the wayside, and the stress has definitely taken a big toll on me physically and mentally, but I have also learned a lot of worthwhile skills I probably would not have otherwise acquired. I don't think I could say I am happy, but I am moderately content, and I don't know that it's reasonable to expect more than that out of life.
I think that if I had been at your point in my relationship with my husband (and with young kids, or no children), and somebody had told me that it was going to take 10 years of hard work and the loss of my personal ambitions to reach a tolerable but less than ideal new stability with my spouse, I would have bugged out. And although I think I might have felt a bit guilty at the time, I don't think I would have continued to feel that way. It maye not be reasonable to *expect* more than moderate contentment from life, but there's nothing wrong with *wanting* happiness -- after all, its pursuit is one of our inalienable rights! I definitely felt trapped for many years -- just because I was successful with the only option I felt I had does not mean I would have chosen it if I'd thought I had other choices! Frankly, I often thought during those years that as soon as my youngest was legally an adult, I would divorce my spouse and "cut my losses". But I found by the time I got to that point, it would have been like cutting off my nose to spite my face!
Just one person's experience and viewpoint. "Your mileage may vary."
I hear you
Submitted by Tweetiebird on
I totally understand what you are going through. My boyfriend and I have been going through much of what you are talking about. The one thing that is of difference is that we aren't married. I'm trying to figure out if I can handle the stress and the roller coaster ride of living and being in love with someone who has ADD. We have known each other for 20 years and just recently moved in together. It's been a nightmare! My family is wondering why I stay and I'm beginning to wonder too. We've been in couples therapy and the ADD came up in our sessions. It never occured to me that he could have ADD. I had originally thought that he was having a hard time adjusting after living alone for 10 years. But after a year, things have gotten worse. I pay all the bills (even though he works he doesn't contribute to any of the common bills because he's spent it all on alcohol and smokes), cook (and if I don't he blames me for him not eating) and generally do everything in between. We don't have children and I would NEVER have children with him, even if I decided to stay. It would just be another person to take care of.
Just like many others on this site, he won't go for an assessment. He tells me that this is the way he is and that it's my problem, that I don't accept him for who he is. He threatens to leave and I say ok, but he always finds a way to stay. Or rather I let him. I've told him if he doesn't figure out what is going on I'm leaving. That makes him quiet and reflective but so far nothing has changed. Our therapist has even told me point blank I have a decision to make about the relationship. At the end of the day, he needs to accept that he has challenges that he can't face by himself and that he needs to take responsibility for his actions if he wants to stay in a relationship with me. I can't change him. I know that but it's difficult because I love him. I'm just afraid that over time it will erode into regret.
I'm not saying that your husband won't change but he'll have to want to change. That if the relationship is important enough for him, he'll have to deal with the possibility of him having ADD because it's effecting his intimate relationships. I'm at this stage and I'm not sure it will survive.
On an almost funny note, he told me that I have a problem. So I told him that I was going to see someone to figure out if I'm the one with problems and overly demanding! I don't know where I find the time to be that when I'm taking care of everyday life and working from home. I know that I'm dealing with some codependency (pick up Codependancy No More by Melody Beattie) but after reading about it I've been trying to let things go a bit. It's very easy to fall back into it and it doesn't help your situation but you'll feel less stressed about things. Hope this helps.
You're not alone and I have the same problem with people in my life not understanding my situation. And remember you might have some codependancy traits but at the end of the day ADD is his problem. He's an adult and he needs to be accountable for his behaviour.
I just read Melissa's blog
Submitted by vcalkins on
I just read Melissa's blog "Learning to Like Yourself Again - Non-ADD Spouse Version. It was great!!!! I printed it out and plan to read it every day.
. learning to like yourself again
Submitted by brendab on
I really relate to Melissa's advice because I went through "finding the little girl in me" months ago during the separation from my nonADD spouse. When I read many of your posts I remember the overwhelm and defeated feelings when you just feel paralyzed to do anything about your life. i journaled a lot and these are some of the things I did:
1. wrote down every offense I could think of, like I had no friends because he was always gone and I raised the 4 kids alone. This had a huge impact on my social life.
2. Grieved the loss of my social life. Do this for all areas of your life, financial, spiritual, physical, etc. Then take this list and prioritize it. There is something healing about writing down the hurt and acknowledging what it has done to your life.
3. Then take each item and think of ways to get beyond them. Socially--sit him down and tell him I need 4 hours away from the house to spend making friends and spending time with them. He must be available every week and I must make sure I get out every week. If he refuses then I will take grocery money and pay a sitter. We will have peanut butter a couple of nights a week to pay for the sitter.
4. Then make a list of options of what you want your future to look like. Forget the spouse, just concentrate on what you want. Do like Melissa said--remember back to when you were really happy and what you life was like, what did you do, where did you go, who did you spend time with. Write these things down and start a plan to be happy again. Then make it happen. make it a priority, no excuses.
5. One thing that made a huge difference for me was to imagine that my inner little girl used to be full of joy and anticipation. After I married she would beg me to stop the pain she was experiencing from my caretaking others and not taking care of her. I realized I was essentially telling her to be quiet and not rock the boat. She didn't matter like she should have. Then one day I told her I was sorry and I would not let her be hurt again. I would take care of her and she'd be happy again. I told her she did matter.
6. Then I began to make my plan to create joy in my life regardless of what happened in my marriage. I separated myself and started doing things I enjoyed.
7. I also gave my exhusband a year to change or I would divorce him. While I continued to find my own joy, he refused to change and I filed for divorce and it was over 1 year and 2 weeks later.
8. Four months into my separation, I also took my list of offenses and wrote down "I forgive you for ......." for each one. I said them outloud repeatedly until I felt a huge burden lift from my life. I have not felt any anger since.
9. Another helpful exercise for me was to imagine writing all the pain on one balloon and all my future joy on a second balloon. I was holding the balloon of pain and I had to make a choice. I could keep this balloon indefinitely but the only way to hold the joy balloon was to let go of the one with all the pain. i could not have both at the same time. When I chose to let go of the pain balloon I imagined watching it float away until it disappeared. then I picked up the joy balloon and walked away knowing that the future was bright. This is just one idea and it may seem silly but for some reason writing these things down and creating a ritual is very healing.
9. I look back now and would never want to live that life again. The only times I have felt any fear since my divorce 2 years ago is when I remember how I hurt that little girl in me. I can never do this again. This is why I am on this site. My joy comes when I take care of myself. I will not allow ADD to take my joy. I will make decisions that protect me regardless of what ADD does.
You are not wrong for feeling
Submitted by Elisabeth on
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do at all. It is really draining. It is important for an ADDer to understand that meds are not the fix all for their ADD. Meds are only part of the solution and as my ADD fiance says, they give him the building blocks to be able to put systems and processes in place to manage his ADD. He says taking meds help give him the clarity and focus he needs to then be able to address ADD on the whole. Is your husband aware that ADD management goes beyond meds? It is his responsibility to learn as much about his condition, what his particular symptoms and behaviours are and what situations - like stress or fatigue - tend to emphasize them. As his partner, it is important for you (and it helps too) to have the same understanding and to know that meds are not the magic cure.
Next time he sees the doctor, is it possible for you to go together and then when you are there you can ask some questions? Are you able to tell your husband you have questions on ADD for the doctor that he should hear too such as "What else besides meds should we be doing?" Would your husband read these forums or blogs? Are they worth pointing out to him?
I hope some of this helps.
Elisabeth
You are not alone
Submitted by arwen on
There are lots of folks here who can identify with your situation. My spouse has ADD (I don't), he was diagnosed 15 years ago. In my husband's family, all the men have ADD, and the severity of their problems are hormone-related -- they have significant difficulties as youngsters, the problems abate during puberty, then return in their early forties. I knew none of this when I married, the problems began to kick in about 20 years ago. He has been on medication and in counseling ever since being diagnosed. We've had a lot of problems over these many years, life is still a long long way from ideal, but we have managed to work through them and have weathered a 10-month separation ourselves, just a few years ago.
In my experience, most ADDers are what I call "perception blind". As a result, your ADD spouse is probably not going to notice anything about your efforts or feelings, except (maybe) a complete nervous breakdown! It's not that your spouse can't ever perceive you, it's that it's so much easier to perceive other things, and so hard to see you, unless you are behaving in some extraordinary matter. The ordinary is hard to notice, it's all just background.
I don't want to discourage you, but it's unlikely your spouse is ever going to "take charge", since to do so would require skills and knowledge that are probably extremely, powerfully difficult for your spouse to acquire.
That doesn't mean he can't be supportive. It doesn't mean it has to all be about him! You're not wrong to feel the frustrations you do. But, realistically, you are probably going to have to *tell* him your needs and wants. You're going to have to explicitly show and tell him how hard you work every day. You're going to have to explain in detail why you don't feel he's pulling his weight, and why you think this is unfair. You may think it should be obvious, but typically the ADDer is looking at any given situation from a completely different perspective, and observing a completely different and often much more limited set of facts than the non-ADDer. The more you can get inside his mindset and understand his perspective, the more easily you will be able to communicate with him. You will probably have to go over these points again and again before they stick in his mind.
I've often felt like I have to "club my husband over the head" with the proverbial two-by-four to get his attention, and it has been a source of major frustration. But I've learned over the years what approaches my husband is responsive to and which don't help. We've developed protocols that work for us and help to reduce our negative emotions. This has been very hard for me to accept the need for. I'm a goal-oriented, independent person who believes in personal responsibility, and I'm fundamentally an impatient, critical and angry character. I feel that the skills I'm asking him to learn are simple interpersonal dynamics that an average 14-year-old has mastered without excessive difficulty. It can be hard to understand that it can be so very much harder for him to learn, but I've come to realize over the years that it is in fact so. It often doesn't seem to me like he's working as hard as I am, but when we discuss it, I see he often is, although in very *very* different ways.
Discussion can also be very difficult for ADDers. We've formalized it into scheduled meetings three times a week, and that has been a real help. That doesn't mean there aren't still times I feel like tearing my hair out! But it's a lot better than it used to be!
Melissa has great advice and perspectives -- read her blogs, and ask a lot of questions. There are a lot of good resources here that can help you cope. Good luck!
You are free complain . . .
Submitted by Helen48 on
I have been married for 48 years to an ADD ex-clergyman, ex-chaplain (now retired). The experiences you describe I can relate to exactly.
You are not 'just' complaining, as you suggest in your post - your experience is real and awful for you. Don't believe that you have no justification for complaint, you have EVERY justification.
It is very common for the non-ADD spouse to believe that she is unjustified - that is part of the noxious set-up in these relationships.
You do not deserve this - work on your self-esteem: I suspect it has been shattered.
With every good wish.