A very good friend of mine is enduring problems much like mine in her marriage. Although her spouse does not, as far as we know, have ADHD, he does seem to have a personality or character disorder that has manifested in similar ways as my spouse's ADHD and related disorders (depression, anxiety, oppositional behavior). My friend and I both struggle with moving forward while bearing the burden of being the main breadwinners, parents, and housekeepers in our families, either without our husbands' emotional and physical contributions or with them behaving in openly contrary ways. She shared the following quotation with me. It has been a great boost to me, because it reminds me of all the ways I've been forced to grow and develop because of having to take on so many tasks that I formerly was uncomfortable with.
"A way to help you cushion the fear of leaving comfort behind is to constantly push yourself beyond your comfort zone. You’ll be amazed at what new bridges form, without consciously building their framework. New opportunities will arise, and toxic factors in your life will fall to the wayside."
Here are some things that I now do because of changes in my husband's behavior; all have made me more independent and self-confident and proud of myself: Preparing income tax returns; preparing financial aid applications; driving in snowstorms and on slippery roads; providing nursing care to our dying dog; with my daughters' help, burying the dog in our backyard; arranging for work to be done on our house; engaging in financial transactions.
What are yours?
Great quote. I copied it to
Submitted by jennalemon on
Great quote. I copied it to save and read again.
Arete
Submitted by jennalemon on
To have well-being, a person wants to live their best life fully....to have purpose and passion and the freedom and energy to put their best efforts toward living the best life they can envision. The French call it Arete....which is virtue or excellence. This is more important, say many researchers, than the feeling of happiness and ease or financial security or romantic love.
So, what does Arete look like in a family for a woman?
My life had been in survival mode for quite a while as I kept making dh's failures and lies and confusion a part of my own frustrated psyche. The best memories of my life were when i was achieving at school and work, at home with my children's love and care, making a home run smoothly as I could. My best life with dh involved forgiving and letting go. His only want in life seems to be having independence from family responsibilities. All my attempts to communicate, partner, and share his life were/are futile. So, how do I, with this knowledge and acceptance, live my best life?
I think of dh as part of the family. With that, and family being my #1 concern, I must find ways to accommodate his disinterest and sometimes intentional sabotage. I believe that I must stop my own ignoring, denying, putting up with my own anger, pretending, wishing, hoping. My best life is not going to happen if I just go around coping and enabling.
I have a question for spouses. I am trying a new way of being. In the past I have downplayed or not shared at all dh's situation to family and friends. I would just complain about this and that small thing and not declare that he has a medical/psychological/congenital/relationship inability (or whatever the issue is termed) problem. I am somewhat afraid of what HE will do because he denies ADD and drinking problem and claims that I am a nag and that is why he won't talk to me. A term I have taken on myself because every conversation ends with him telling me in subtle ways that that is our problem. And now I KNOW I am definatly not a nag...if anything, I have been too permissive and understanding with him.
I cannot live my best life hiding truths and pretending and continuing to not use my abilities and talents. How has it worked for you to be open and forthright about ADD? Does your ADD spouse hate you (like dh seems to feel toward me when I mention anything about his behavior)? Do family and friends think you are making things up because you are a hateful person and that it is not acceptable conversation to talk badly about people in your family, especially your husband?
How does the healthy "best life" conversation look and sound with people outside of you and spouse?
I've shared my struggles with
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've shared my struggles with several people. They are people that I trust to be supportive of me. I don't think I've gone into great detail about ADHD with any of them, although I've mentioned to some that it might be one thing contributing to my husband's and my difficulties. Some of the people I've shared with are my family members. Others are close friends at work. One friend, from college days, hears everything (and I, in turn, hear everything about her husband). Outside my family, the common traits of the people I've shared with are that they are women and they're either currently married, separated, or divorced. One thing I've found that a lot of the most troubling behaviors have happened to other people's spouses or ex-spouses, whether caused by ADHD (and who knows whether that is actually my husband's issue) or by other things. That creates sympathy and a bond immediately.
It feels SO GOOD to have people to share these things with!
By the way, aside from my family, only two people who I've told have actually met my husband. They're not people that we'd ever socialize with as a couple or family. I see them on my own.