This weekend I went to a work function with my husband and blurted out a comment that was inappropriate in front of one of his coworkers. It was the final straw that broke his back and I am terrified he is really done with me now.
In desperation I googled "how to stop speaking without thinking" and saw all sorts of references to ADHD. What's ironic is that a few weeks ago, as a "joke" my husband said "hey I think you have ADHD" after seeing a commercial where they listed out the symptoms. I just laughed it off at the time but after my search pulled it up and I started reading about it so many things about our marriage struggles started to make sense. I immediately downloaded and read Melissa book and am going to try to get an appointment with an ADHD therapist this week if possible.
Here is my fear, and one that wasn't addressed in the book. My husband has "had it." He said to me repeatedly he wants me out if the house. He's implied he is going to a divorce attorney on Monday, and he isn't speaking to me at all, even though I keep trying. I am fearful that when I leave for work on Monday he's going to change the locks on me, he's that angry and disconnected. I feel as if I've had a breakthrough! If ADHD symptoms have been the root cause of so many of our problems then there is finally hope! Because all the years of me "trying harder" has just led to disappointment, hurt and anger. This could give me a path to "try smarter." But he will hear none of it. I told him I think that this REALLY is the issue and that I am going to go and get help, and he just says "well that will be great for your next boyfriend because I'm done."
i don't know if I should just try to ride out the anger and hope that if I get treatment and things start to turn around that he may be willing to participate? So much of what Melissa talks about in the book assumes both are involved in getting help. In his mind right now he's done and sees it as my problem, and one he doesn't want any part of.
First off, kudos to you for
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
First off, kudos to you for recognizing and trying to understand your symptoms. That alone is more than some people with ADHD are willing or able to do.
I can't say what your husband will decide...but I DO understand his feeling of being at the end of his rope. However, when that was me, I was wishing that my BF would have done what you did and tried to learn about it and offer to get help. I didn't get that...I'm the one who was left because of my concern about his undiagnosed ADHD. So, hopefully your husband will cool down a bit and see that you ARE trying. In the meantime, all you can do is work on yourself...for YOU. It will only benefit you no matter what happens.
I wish you luck!!
This forum is full of similar stories
Submitted by Sueann on
I think this "crisis" situation will cause you to hyperfocus on your marriage. It produces adrenaline which is stimulating to you. Maybe your husband will see improvement and stay married to you. Maybe he won't.
But the lasting hurt for him, as it will always be for me, is that you didn't try to fix the problem until he left or threatened to. My husband embraced his diagnosis. He took medicine willingly (as long as I worked my second job to pay for it). But no real lasting changes took place and after he didn't work for over 2 years (or even try), I was DONE.
From a legal point of view, he can't lock you out of a shared domicile. If you own the house, you both own it and have equal rights to it. If you rent, you both signed the lease and have equal rights to it. My husband flat refused to leave the house we shared, so I eventually left to go live with a family member. He got the furniture, the dog, the cat, etc. And legally, he was in the right. I wanted out of the marriage so I had to leave. (I still miss the dog and the cat.) I would suggest consulting a lawyer yourself.
I believe it is possible for an ADDer to be happy in their marriage and for their spouse to be happy. Melissa says she and her husband are happy. I just think it's rare.
It's interesting what you say about hyperfocus, because I can
Submitted by debs151 on
It's interesting what you say about hyperfocus, because I can see now the pattern that has been throughout our 20 year marriage. I (unconsciously) do something to hurt/upset/embarrass him (this is my biggest issue - impulse control/speaking without thinking), I'm stunned by his reaction because it wasn't my INTENT at all, he emotionally shuts down, threatens to leave, then after days of my begging and pleading for forgiveness he comes back, but just a little bit *less so*, a little more guarded than before. Then things get better for awhile (as I'm now paying enough attention to him - I'm *focused* on him) until my next screw-up. This has replayed itself dozens and dozens of smaller times, and at least 4 MAJOR times in our marriage.
No kidding, I wrote him a letter *this* time, as I have every other MAJOR time we've reached the breaking point (because when he shuts down like this he won't even speak to me or let me speak to him, and I HAVE to have a way to tell him what I'm feeling), and I found last night while looking for something else in a desk drawer a letter that I wrote to him on one of the previous major breakdowns and it basically was nearly word for word what I just wrote him this weekend. And this was from YEARS ago. It's heartbreaking.
I do take issue with one comment you made - I have tried and I've tried and I've tried to fix the problem. The issue was, until literally 3 days ago, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS or how to fix it. Him telling me to "just not say things like that" or "just stop being an a**hole," just leaves me going "well duh, but HOW??" It was pure happenstance that I came upon all the posts about how to stop speaking before thinking and ADHD, which resonated with a comment my husband made a few weeks ago, in "jest" after seeing a commercial for some ADHD medication that he said "hey I think you have ADHD." Never in a million years would I have thought I had something like this. I'm pretty high-functioning I guess (high-powered job, house, financially secure, well-adjusted kid, etc) and have a pretty *normal* life. Not like a lot of the severe descriptions of this issue that I've read here. But when I started reading about the symptoms, and then the effect they have on relationships, it was like it was written about me and my husband, word for word. So please don't think that I haven't tried to fix the problem. Working "harder" has never been an issue for me (hence my super organizational prowess at work, which is an inherently structured environment, I'm now beginning to see). But no matter how "hard" I worked at home and with my husband, it never *worked.* My only hope is that if I can get my hyperfocus brain to pay attention to where this ADHD train may lead, I may actually be able to develop some skills to actually finally FIX the issues, and then someday, maybe, my husband will be able to love me again.
I hope you are getting the help you need for your ADHD
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Your husband is like many of the spouses on this forum: he is tired of seeing his wife make the same mistakes over and over again. While I will never fully understand what it is like to be on that half, I do understand what it is like to be in your position, with a spouse who is ready to leave. If you read some of my old posts you would see a person who struggled and struggled and guess what...struggled some more... My husband was disengaged on better days, mad as hell on most others, and did NOT want to work on our marriage. He even brought in a realtor at one point. It was awful. I basically didn't sleep well (worse than usual, that is) for a few years. My anxiety, which was never low, went through the roof. Have I mentioned how helpful anxiety is to ADHD symptoms? You get the idea... It has been a long, sometimes extremely lonely road. I don't know anyone with whom I am close who is a woman with ADHD, and who has struggled with her marriage as a result. I recently started going to CHADD meetings in my area, because I just want to meet someone who understands what it is like to be a woman and mother with ADHD. It's a different animal than being a man with ADHD. So much more is expected in many ways.
In my case, my ADHD was particularly difficult due to (ADHD-related) food sensitivities and vitamin/mineral deficiencies, plus an inability to break down B12. I have done cognitive behavioral therapy, eat well, read as much as I can about ADHD, and work my ass off in a way that works WITH my ADHD. My best advice is don't try to be neurotypical. You WILL BE disappointed. Also, DO NOT-DO NOT-DO NOT talk about your changes on an ongoing basis. Tell him about the appointment (did you make it yet?) and then let him experience the changes. If you talk about it in a panicked effort to keep him in place, he will not trust you because he has been let down for a long time. It will probably also piss him off and he will argue with you that you are not changing, even if you are. It's human nature once someone has shut down on you. Don't lose hope yet, though...
The tenor of the posts on this forum has been downright depressing for many, many months. Please don't believe that you can't change. It simply isn't true. We have a brain-based disorder, which makes this more difficult, but it is possible. I KNOW this to be true. It will not be easy. It will not happen fast enough for you. You do have to do this for yourself, though, in the end. That is the ONLY way to make lasting changes. Otherwise, the second you aren't getting the reaction you want, you will shut down and prove him right. Finally, don't throw in the towel in despair and decide NOT to get treatment if he has already seen a lawyer. YOU STILL NEED HELP a) if you have any hope of improving your marriage and b) because you sound like you have ADHD. If it's bad enough to ruin your marriage, you must be at least moderately symptomatic, right?
For marriage specific advice and what to do/not to do, I really love Lee Baucom. His advice has kept me out of divorce court while I have tried to manage my ADHD better.
ADHDMomof2
Thank you so much
Submitted by debs151 on
Your post moved me to tears. My husband is staying (for now), but is also disengaged, not that I can blame him. When I have tried to bring up the issue of ADHD (which I literally just "discovered" 3 days ago), he calls BS and says I just need to "stop acting like an a**hole." As if. As if I WANT to act that way. As if I haven't tried mightily for the last 20 years of our marriage not to act that way.
He's under a tremendous amount of stress right now. Just learned that his father (who is is best friend and business partner) was diagnosed with a terminal illness with a 6 month-1 year prognosis. Then add my inappropriate behavior (AGAIN) on top of it and he's really at his breaking point. Things are very fragile right now. Knowing that at the moment he feels ADHD is "BS" I don't feel like I can tell him "by the way I have an appointment to see someone about this." When I tried to bring it up last night (after we had had an "outwardly" calm and friendly evening) he got so angry again because I couldn't "let him just have one peaceful night where he could relax without ruining it with my drama."
So for now I'm reading Delivered from Distraction, and have started immediately with a regimin of adding fish oil and B-complex to my supplements based on reading I've done online. I figure it can't hurt, and if it helps that's great. I think on the spectrum of ADHD (and I know that I'm diagnosing myself here) I have relatively mild symptoms, they just seem to exponentially impact my personal life. At work most would say I'm pretty successful (mid-level exec at a Fortune 500 company), although like many of the adult ADHD stories I've read, I don't believe I've reached my full potential - now I think I know why. Over the years (out of desperate necessity - silly me I thought everyone needed to do this) I developed excellent organizational structures for work and for household chores, so that is pretty much under control. But my personal interactions with my husband? "Unstructured" social situations? Fraught with misunderstandings, impulsive comments and inattention. And not for lack of trying to NOT have things be that way.
I appreciate the recommendation about Lee Baucom, I will be checking that out. Please let me know if you've been able to get past the disconnection and anger with your husband, and how you've been able to accomplish that. I am very cautiously hopeful that I can at least take steps in the right direction, now that there seems to be a path. And if nothing else, I am very glad to know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
Suggestion
Submitted by c ur self on
After reading your posts, I think add/adhd could be troubling you, but I also believe you could benefit from a couple of books I'm going to recommend to you. They had a profound impact on me and my marriage...Gary Chapman's Desperate Marriage and Gary Thompson's Sacred Marriage...The hardest thing in life for me was to "truly see my Self"...I'm not adhd, but I have always been a high performer, athletically gifted, very successful and very blessed...but also very blind....I had developed a false sense of confidence, which lead to the desire to control or fix everything...Based on your posts and your pasts I think, they can help change your lives. I will pray for you!
Thank you
Submitted by debs151 on
Thank you for the recommendations. I will check those out (my Kindle account has gotten a workout the last 3 days). I am open to trying ANYTHING to turn this around. I love my husband and daughter dearly and do not want our family to break up if I can help it.