My wife and I have been married for almost 4yrs and have two wonderful kids (yes, we moved quickly). When I met her and we dated, granted it was for a fairly short time, she was on adderall (I didn't really know that at the time). She told me she had ADHD, but I didn't really understand what that meant at the time and she was a ton of fun to be with, so I didn't really think much of it. I assumed it just meant she had trouble focusing and remembering things sometimes, which I thought we could work through with no issues.
After we got married though, she stopped taking the adderall for various reasons and (though I didn't understand why at the time) it was like her personality changed and she was suddenly always mad about something or other and she was always getting after me about one thing or another. Honestly, it started driving me crazy pretty quickly, and to top it off anytime I told her I was upset about it she responded that it was all my fault (which just confused and angered me). She could never just be happy, and any little thing that was stressful or didn't go exactly as she wanted it too caused huge arguements because she acted like it was all my fault, and i'm stubborn enough that I won't just accept blame for things that I know I had nothing to do with.
After a while and a lot of reading it finally dawned on me what ADHD meant, and that it wasn't just her being angry all the time for no reason. That helped me to understand a bit, but it doesn't really help you when the ADHD person is yelling at your over things that you KNOW aren't your fault and nothing you say can persuade her of that. She's finally started taking adderall again, though these days it seems sometimes like our marriage is hanging by a thread, so I'm not sure if it's too-little too-late, or if I'm at fault for not being able to 'handle' her mood swings and anger. Her doctor started her on 30mg for a month to see how she reacts, and when she takes it she's great for about half the day...then she starts getting angry and once again everything she's frustrated with is my fault and she takes it out on me. She also has bouts of severe depression and refuses to take the adderall because she swears it won't help, yet after I eventually talk her into taking it she is fine.
I know I can be stubborn but I'm trying hard to accept blame when things are my fault (and even when it's not my fault if it avoids an arguement)... but the problem is that things AREN'T always my fault, even though she acts like they are. I feel like the only way for me to save the marriage is for me to just give in all the time and let her call me names and say mean things without ever saying anything back....but that just makes me miserable and I'm not sure I can do that all the time.
So.... I came here for advice, whether it's "you're wrong and you need to change" or "she needs to learn to control herself better". At this point I'll take anything, I just need to know what other people in my position think.
Thanks,
Mike
The pennies continue to drop!
Submitted by julz on
I have been married for almost 10 years! Wow that's certainly flown. We have 3 gorgeous girls under seven. Recently we came back from a trip to europe, when our marriage started to change. Mt hhusband had planned on opening a cafe business when we got back...this didnt seem to eventuate and we started to argue alot about making dreams happen and taking the right steps in the right direction........at the same time I was starting to do my own research into autism, asbergers and ADD/ADHD as I have students in my class who have been diagnosed with these conditions and I wanted to learn more about it.
As I became more and more familiar with the traits and common issues...things started to happen, I was somehow making connections in my head about two of my nephews experiencing problems acquiring appropriate speech development and my hubby and his brothers. Suddenly, the nature of my hubby's outbursts were becoming more clear to me and I was so aware of how my attitude, yelling and belittling him was making him feel inadequate and stupid. i got to a point where I thought ..hey I need stategies here for dealing with my marriage and my hubby who can be very difficult to work with when trying to acheive something together.
We saw a councellor for 3 sessions ...where we explored some real issues for us both, many to do with organisation on hubby's part so that I didnt have everything on my shoulders. Going out on dates and spending quality time together is also very valuable. At the moment there are so many changes in our lives, with me going back to full time work and hubby planning to open his own tax business......life is certainly busy, crazy, challenging, confusing at times....he is not really interested in a diagnosis....we'll see how things go from here?
looking back on the 16 years we have been together......i have always been the organiser, the planner, the super mum, the one that can make dreams flourish, the list maker, the initiator of discussions, the reminder, the party doer......yet......all these things happened with hubby along side me, helping me in any which way I asked him to......I love him for that! I really do!
Michael J - Did You Fall In Love with the Adderall?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There is a good reason not to take meds while pregnant or nursing, so your wife did the right thing by stopping taking her meds then. The bad part is that you weren't prepared (and neither was she) for the consequences - a shift in her behavior.
It is not uncommon that the person who is taking the meds doesn't realize that they help them cope in the world, while those around see the effects of the meds very clearly. This seems to be what's happening in your household. You can repair this marriage! Your wife has a condition that benefits from medication - she needs to start it up again and trust your review of whether or not it's working. (The BEST possible combination is that it helps her get along in the world - and with you - and she doesn't feel it's working...i.e. it has no bad side effects for her). If she's taking Adderall regular, then it would wear off after half a day, which fits with your description. Talk to your doc about it.
You have a role to play here, too, and it's an important one. You say that you are stubborn. She's probably reacting to that. Your job is to forgive her for the issues that she's had when she's not been medicated, and forgive her for the complex feelings that she's had around needing to be medicated (there is a stigma to this, unfortunately, that some find it hard to get around..."why can't you just love me as I am?" is the question that they ask. "Why must I be medicated for us to get along?" That's the topic for a blog post, I think...)
When I say "forgive" I mean - let the past GO. Take today for what it is and try to create fun times together that will remind you why you married each other in the first place (right now you are both dancing around waiting for the bad times to come back...get into the opposite mode and search for good times). If she has a bad day, let her go. You're not perfect, she shouldn't be required to be, either.
When I say "forgive" I also mean that you need to stop figuring out who is to blame for stuff. You're wondering if you're at fault for not managing mood swings, or if she's at fault for not taking her meds or for not being clear with you before you got married (she didn't know how her ADHD would affect your relationship, either, so there's no way she could have warned you). Try a different approach - it DOESN"T MATTER whose fault anything is. What matters is what the lines are that the two of you draw TODAY. What will make you happy? How will you get the work done? How will she manage her anger (that's her responsibility, not yours - it's her anger. Your responsibility is your response to it, which should be firm but nice - you'll be happy to work on the issues she has when she is able to talk with you about them at a time when she isn't angry. Try not to fall into the trap of getting angry back because then it's just a power struggle, nothing more.) How will you manage your obstinancy so it doesn't hurt either of you? How much time will you spend together paying attention to each other? What kind of great sex can you have tonight?
These are the issues that will bind you together. Figuring out who to blame can serve only one purpose - pushing you apart.
It seems pretty clear to me from what you've written that your wife responds really well to meds, even if she doesn't realize it. While you can't dictate that she take the meds, you can insist that she treat you with respect (again, to do this, you have to treat her with respect, so this can't be said in anger.) She's responsible for figuring out how to get control of her anger (do you care if she does it with yoga or medications?!) You're responsible for setting the boundaries that are important for you to have a good relationship (see my post on boundaries in the favorite posts area).
Hope this helps and that you're still online.