my husband sent me links to this site so i could understand his adhd. i have ordered one book and i'm reading lots of the tools and treatments. i have recognised i was being quite nasty to him, although i think most people would say objectively that i put up with a lot. i see that because i was asking for help, expecting him to pick up some responsibilities and getting angry when he didn't and especially when he broke promises that was making him feel guilty and overwelmed so i have stopped doing that. but now he's got no interest in reading or trying any of the tools or treatments (other than his meds). it seems like now everything is ok for him so there's no problem and i guess that's the case. why would he try and make any changes? so have i made things worse? i'd love to hear from people who feel they have tackled their adhd (whether successfully or not) about what lead or motivated them to do so.
tell me what led you to tackle your adhd please?
Submitted by mariel on 06/07/2014.
Marriage Group
Submitted by kdog2021 on
My wife actually pointed out early in our marriage that I could have ADHD (she's a social worker and deals with mental health patients a lot). I didn't listen because either a symptom got in the way or I truly didn't care. We went to a marriage counseling group at our church this past year and when I shared some things, the counselor asked if I considered that I might have ADHD. I looked it up a couple weeks later and was shocked at how much was speaking to me. There is a long story as to why I heard it when the counselor said it, but part of it could have been that it was because I had heard it from a man. That probably sounds sexist, but I think because we were stuck in the parent-child dynamic, I didn't want to listen to my wife because I wanted a wife, not a second mother. I do still struggle with listening to her, but since being aware it's gotten easier.
What moved me past inertia with my ADHD
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
After 3 years of teaching, I remembering thinking about a student, "Oh my God, that kid can't remember anything nor follow multi-step directions. She's...SO ANNOYING...(LONG PAUSE). HOLY SHIT, she's just like me... (LONGER PAUSE). Oh, my God, I have ADHD!"
It was easier to wrap my head around our similarities than it ever would have been for me to simply look at myself and have such an epiphany. This is not because I didn't want to see (although this may have also been true), but primarily because ADHD can make it much more difficult for people to see themselves as they are. We simply don't see reality the same way.
Around the same time, I was 20 minutes late to a department meeting that took place in the middle of the day. No one said anything to me, but I was SO embarrassed. One more dumb thing in the endless list of dumb things I have forgotten to do in my life. Add it to the Mountain of Shame, made so much worse by virtue of the fact I am a woman, and women are supposed to be able to do EVERYTHING.
It has been a long, long, long, long road with many detours. It has taken me even longer to figure out that medication was not enough, and that "trying harder" wasn't cutting it. "Trying differently" as Melissa Orlov says in her first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, is an ESSENTIAL mental shift. I no longer feel badly nor do I apologize for my unconventional approaches to problem-solving. What I mean by this is that I did not ask for the burden of having ADHD, but I must take responsibility for it, using a realistic approach that is sustainable based on how I think-and don't think. This is as important for those with ADHD to accept as it is for the people around them.
I understand my mistakes within the context of my ADHD, and I no longer feel as much shame. When I do, I think about what I need to do differently next time, what I can learn from my mistake, and then I have to move on. I have enough things distracting me; holding onto shame simply adds to that.
thanks
Submitted by mariel on
thanks that's helpful
The long road and wrong roads
Submitted by Thomas on
WOW! I am an artist and art teacher (17 yrs). I was reluctant to accept my students parent's "excuse" for their kids distracted and disruptive behavior as ADHD early in my teaching career. I thought "yeah I was that kid going up. Now they get to hide behind a label." UNTIL i saw a young student bought to tears by their self imposed perfectionism. THEN the next class enjoy there efforts and laugh. I spoke to the parent. "Yes we think weve got their medication right finally". I was a convert.
Fast forward 12 years after my lengthy battle with addiction or alcoholism (age14-49) I got sober. I have a successful business and am outstanding in my field but had never been able to enjoy it before. So now I thought great now I'll be happy. Ha ha think again. Sober However I was able to begin to see that my behavior and regrets thereof wasn't just a result of my past drunkenness. I sought help for depression and then ADHD. Now I am continuing my education of and coping through treatment with medication and therapy the true nemesis of my mental well being and happiness "ADHD" as an Adult. Thank all of you for your efforts to the non-believers been down that road! There will always be posers but we should not deny help for suffers just as we don't deny justice for innocence at the risk of letting the guilty get a random get out of jail free card.
Blessed and gratefully yours,
Master Artist, Thomas