Submitted by perfectstorm5 on 06/18/2014.
My ADHD husband and I are at the point of separation after 30 years of marriage. I just told him that I plan to move out in September. I did a lot of work on my own to get to the point where I clearly communicate my boundaries to him, and he is using one of his most common conversational weapons to respond to me...plenty of sarcasm. The problem is that I truly can't tell any more if he is being sincere ("Sounds like a fair proposition") or sarcastic. I am wondering if anyone else has any suggestions for overcoming this. (I have been asking him to please avoid sarcasm for a long time) He acts insulted when I ask him for clarification because I am not sure what he really means.
Sarcasm and nasty comments
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Perfectstorm5, I wish I had some answers for you on this subject, but I'm still learning how to deal with this also. My husband can give some pretty nasty comments, but then tell me "I was only kidding", "Can't you tell I was just trying to add some HUMOR?" but, the "humor" as he calls it, doesn't SOUND like humor any more. It sounds more like barbs, or snide comments than is does "humor". I tried to talk this over with him recently, but he put it back on MY shoulders to "You've got to help me out with this". "You KNOW I have ADHD, so you have to tell me if I'm not focused on you or not". I CAN do that, and I have been trying, and will do MORE of this, but it happens so often, and catches me off guard quite a few times. I'm just not "quick" enough to catch it each time, and if I'm feeling a little down and need encouragement, the LAST thing I want to do is have to "lift him up", when " I need some lifting up at times too". (which I rarely get) This condition is certainly daunting to say the least, and the co-morbid conditions that go with it, ADD to the situation. I wish you better days ahead. :)
sarcasm and nasty comments are just meanness, not ADHD
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
Thanks, dedelight4. It sounds like your husband uses the comments in a similar way...just to get a dig in. I can't believe that the reason my husband does this is only because he has ADHD. It seems like the sarcasm has such a detrimental effect on our ability to trust what they say. Sometimes when I guess wrongly, and my husband isn't actually being sarcastic, he acts so insulted that I would ever assume that he was.
Ever since I told him that I plan to leave, he has told me over and over that my "bad choice" will be the end of our marriage, which could have been beautiful if I gave it a chance (according to him). Honestly, I go back and forth in my head about how much more I can stand. He told me that we would get an evaluation (we know that he has ADHD, but there is definitely more than that going on), and I allowed myself to hope a little, but that was over a month ago, and he just told me last night that he "lost" the paperwork, and hasn't made an appointment.
The sarcasm may be the least of our troubles, considering everything else that is going on, but it does drive me crazy!!
I hope you can find the affirmation you need in other ways:)
Word for word!
Submitted by Standing on
I have heard this: "I was only kidding", "Can't you tell I was just trying to add some HUMOR?"
This is one of those things that strikes me as passive aggression.
Such remarks usually hit me out of the blue, by total surprise, while I'm going about my business. It's like i am annoying him at those moments, for reasons known only to him. Or maybe it is the only way he knows to get my attention? Strange. I'll pay more attention to the context of them next time. (Not that there is ever any context. Hahaha) okay, so i will take note of what i am doing when he fires off another one.
Stirring the Pot....Inciting Conflict
Submitted by kellyj on
Dede,
You asked me about something a long time ago that had to do with "intentionally" saying things that create conflict or to "get a rise" out of you as far as your H was concerned and I wasn't too sure about it at the time but remembered doing this as a young boy a lot. I had to think back to that time...to remember that I did do this and I do remember doing it back then....but not as an adult in any memory specific to what you were asking me.
I'm coming back here to this topic and relating it to "this guy" I worded with (who had ADHD) that I recently shared my experience with. It hit me out of no where (since I really don't spend any time thinking about this guy) that he did something that not only myself....but everyone at work noticed about him. He use to walk into a room where everyone was just working and not really engaging with each other....and literally..."insite" everyone into conflict....and then walk back out of the room and would leave you going.."what the Hell?"
One time when I was talking with him about something in his past....he said something very disturbing to me at the time. As he put it.....when he would see the opportunity to "Fuck With" someone....he would do it on purpose and actually enjoyed it just for the "fun of it."
Everyone at work one time while he wasn't there agreed on one thing together....."he loved to stir up trouble....just for the sake of doing it." We were all unanonmously in agreement on this one thing together since....we had all expereinced this from him and...he did seem to get something out of it or else he wouldn't be doing it. As he said it to me...."for the fun out it."
Whether or not he actually "enjoyed" this like he said....he was getting something out of "stirring the pot" and then just leaving everyone there....."all stirred up."
This was a signature peice of his persoanlity...and when you are in a group situation where everyone is in agreement with each other....it's pretty hard not to see it....since the experience that everyone has...is exactly the same.
In fact....one time...I was sitting at the computer at work...and he walked up behind me and pulled the small hairs on the back of my neck which really hurt...for no reason. None what so ever. Like....there's nothing going on here and everyone is so quiet....I think I'll just walk up behind J...and start some trouble.
And I reacted in the way anyone would react when someone walks up behind you when you are involved in deep thought about something (at work no less? )...and yanks the most tender hairs on your neck by surprise...." I got up and yelled at him...and told him if he does that again....he won't like the results."
And when I reacted so instantly with anger from him doing this....he backed off with his hands out and up...like he was shocked or surpised at my reaction with this look of innocense on his face. Of course....everyone else stopped and looked at me yelling at him and wondered what was going on?
And he just stood there looking like he had no idea himself....all inocent as if....."what's wrong here...what did I do?" It was unbeleivable really? And no one thought that is wasn't him even if they didn't see him do it. They had all expereinces this in some form or another....either physically molosting you or messing with you....or verbally making digs and sarcastic little nasties with an air of innocense about it when ever you confronted him....like "who me.....what did I do???"
But as he sort of slipped that one day when he was saying how much he "enjoyed this"...and the comment about "Fucking with you"....just because he could and thinking this was something to be enjoyed.....I can help but feel even though there is an underlying reason that is outside of his own awareness.....the part that was within his awareness was the part about...."enjoying Fucking with people..and looking for an easy target or opportunity to do it."
Thinking with me and pulling my neck hairs.....there wasn't an easy opportunity or one when he needed to do this....so he just created one any way...when there was none to be found.
And my reaction when he told me this....was disturbing to say the least. I guess...I can say this...because I have ADHD too...and I have acted in passive aggressive ways in countless scenarios. But for the most part...it would come through without any awareness of it on my part or what I was actually doing?
What was disturbing even to me...was saying "Oh yeah...I'm not only aware that I do it....I like doing it and it's really fun." That part....I can't ever say....that I've ever done with that much awareness and even knowing "why"...and then doing it anyway. That seems to me....as someone who is aware that they are passive aggressive.....in the act of doing it and as long as I enjoy it.....it really doesn't matter if anyone likes it or not....as long as I like it and think it's fun....I don't care.
This goes all the way back to the practical jokes I use to pull....when I was a teenager and younger..,.for the very same reason. I did it then...but stopped doing it....once I could see how not funny it was. As it appears to me with this guy.....it didn't matter so he just kept doing it even when he could see how not funny it was????
J
Wow, J, that is very
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, J, that is very revealing and important. My husband DOES get enjoyment out of "stirring the pot", or causing conflict. He does it quite a bit online, but he gets to remain anonymous there. He will instigate an arguement or tell someone off and really get a charge out of it.
He's also started arguments with people, (but only where he feels in the right), and outright character assasinated the person. The other person is left feeling wretched and beaten up, but my husband will feel GREAT, and thinks a lot got accomplished. When the only thing that got accomplished was that my husband got to rage/yell his frustration out, and get a major brain "adrenaline rush". This happened with our daughter and son-in-law. He hurt them very badly, and it was uniustified. He couldn't handle a basic conflict resolution, that could have been dealt with fairly easily.
He also rages in the car while driving, (he drives TERRIBLY, and it scares me) and cusses people out so loud sometimes, it's ear shattering. But, he's the one who usually CAUSES the driving power struggles on the road.
I don't like the person that does these things, but he lives inside the man called my husband. And, say the words "I'm sorry"?.............he won't say them. He deflects these actions away from himself when caught, then gets angry, and it's like he's saying,....."Well, you MADE me do that, so it's YOUR fault that I couldn't/didn't want to stop myself". Passive aggressive for SURE, with him. Wirh him, it's like trying to nail jello to a wall.
"Well, you MADE me do that"
Submitted by kellyj on
Yeah....it's kind of hard to continuing to argue with someone who actually believes that one...I may Freudian Slip and say that one from a long "time ago" habit...but I don't actually believe it even in the middle of being angry.
Funny thing. About the time my parents were reading me the riot act for saying things like..."they made me do it...".....they were also telling me this one..."stick and stones.........."....which was the excuse I used as to why I behaved badly...;:"they called me names!!!!!! They made me hit them. " LOL
And only recently....here I was telling my wife the same thing. Her reasoning for her to act out of act poorly is because she took something I said personally that was not directed at her...yet, I was name calling or labeling something else out of protest but she took it to mean her which is was no way related.
When I told her it wasn't aimed at her she calmed down but I said...."Hey..."sticks and stones"....why so upset anyway even if I was directing it at you...."Names".can only hurt you if you let them....it's what the nursery rhyme is saying?"
She said in response..."I don't agree with that at all... that's what they use to tell children and they were wrong. Only children believe that."
Soooo....that means since you didn't believe that when you were taught this....it gives you the right to get upset and accuse anyone who called you a name of making you do what ever do after you over react to it????...and then go after them and act badly yourself as your justification??? Huh????
Yes....huh???? She thinks the nursery rhyme is there just to fool little kids...who are too stupid to know better than to believe something so ridiculous as that? What's ridiculous is the logic behind it and not even worth fighting over it makes that little sense.
J
The actions of a person is who they are.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Words mean very little.....He, like you, and like us all, are screaming who we are, and what is important to us by the things we give our time, attention and care to....
Don't have any fear when making decisions about the commitment of others based on their day to day living of life....Sarcasm is just his way of asking you.... "Can't you see by how I live what is important to me??"
Very few people have the capability to see themselves and put that reality into cohesive sentences that explain what would only crush another human being....(In the book Inheritance) That's the spell that Aragon put on King Galbatorix that made him Implode...
The human mind is so delicate it can't with stand the onslaught of reality enough to face it....We must feel good about ourselves...Or we will see our true selves and the pain of that would be unbearable for mer humans...
C