Submitted by Julielunce on 07/01/2014.
I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we have dated for almost 6 years. We have a wonderful step-daughter from his previous relationship she is 6. We have her every other week. He really tries during the week we have our daughter, but I still feel as if I Amin charge of all the household obligations. ( washing clothes, cooking every night, helping with HW, and getting things together on a daily basis) I am the first to rise and get the day going. He can sleep through 20 alarms lol. When I ask for help he fights back and says I would just correct him for not doing the task properly. ( this is untrue) I might have suggested that laundry doesn't need to sit in the washing machine, but that's pretty much the typical stuff I would add and I don't do it often. My husband loves to start projects and never finishes. I am always left to clean up. I've tried leaving it, but after days I go back and take care of the mess. He is on the highest dose of adderall possible, yet he still can't accomplish tasks at home. He is very aggregated if I bring up compromises to work and belittles me for being honest about how I feel when I say that I need help or feel alone. He is glued to his phone all the time and I just feel lonely. I end up taking on more than I should to avoid his confrontation. I want to talk and work through things, but instead I overlook just to keep peace. I'm tired of going to bed alone and fed up with his drinking so he can feel at ease. He isn't violent or full of rage, but he drinks too much and can't live without me.. His human alarm clock. Any advice would be helpful.
alarms: got blamed for his lateness
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Julielunce, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, but I know exactly what you're going through. My severely ADHD husband and I have been married 31 years,and for MANY, MANY years, he expected me to be his alarm clock............like you have become also. DH would stay up until 3:00 am, set his alarm for 8 am, and then sleep through several alarm warnings. He would get up late, angry and frustrated at ME for not getting him up on time so he could get to work. This happened for a long time, and nothing I did made any difference. I got the blame for HIS lateness. And then, there were the times he made ME late for my job because he would insist on driving me to work, but again, he wouldn't get up on time so that I could be on time for MY JOB.
I had to put a STOP to this, because it was ridiculous that he wouldn't take responsibility for his OWN ACTIONS. I started letting him BE late for his own work, because of sleeping through his alarms. Yea, he was mad at me, and I STILL hear about this occasionally, but after a while, he started getting up earlier, because he KNEW he would have lost his job, and we CAN'T afford for that to happen. If your husband won't address his ADHD properly with medication AND behavior therapy (like mine), he will continue to demand that you be his alarm clock. It doesn't get better. (sorry)
He could sleep through almost anything
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
Wow, I had to laugh when I read this, because I am in the basement of our house, but I can hear my husband's BLARING LOUD MULTIPLE ALARMS going off right now on the second floor. Since my husband has never had a comprehensive evaluation I have wondered for a long time if this is just ADHD, or something more going on.
Dedelight4, I was also his alarm clock, and he used the argument that if I cared about him, I shouldn't have any problem doing this. That is a loaded statement, for sure. I told him that it made me feel like his mother (long before I read anything about that dynamic), and that didn't go over well. If I was home, and I knew he had something important going on (like his last job, over 5 years ago) I would wake him up. Honestly I have been scared at times by how difficult it can be to physically wake him.
Since he stopped working, I tried to explain to him that I did not want to be responsible for this any more. It is definitely complicated by some of the choices he makes, like staying up to watch TV late into the night, and drinking.
Julielunce, I wish I had advice, but I think the best advice is about setting boundaries that work for you so that you can avoid stress. If I am going somewhere(like to catch a flight), and I absolutely want to be on time, I tell my husband that I am planning to leave at X time if you want to go (or if he has offered a ride). Then if he is not ready, I go. I do feel a lot less angry that way, plus I have the added bonus of not having to ride in the car with his driving that makes me uncomfortable, especially when he's running late. Also, I strongly recommend that you get some help for yourself if you can. I was able to locate a source of free counseling that was hugely helpful to me in sorting out what matters to me the most. All the best to you.