Has anyone experienced their ADHD partner lying about money?
Before we married 2.5 years ago, I was aware that he had ADHD, but I somewhat foolishly didn't realise how ADHD can affect a marriage. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon, I found out my husband had been lying about money in the lead up to our wedding. Somehow I was able to get over that and our finances have been managed by me giving him an allowance, with me basically in charge of the rest. As I felt it was a bit ridiculous and so demeaning that a grown man who earns a decent salary has to ask me for extra money on occasion if his allowance had run out before payday, I foolishly suggested he have an extra small sum of money in his allowance account to keep at the same balance but just to absorb fluctuations in spending from week to week. I recently found out that he had been lying again, saying that his allowance account was balancing when he actually spent the extra funds the week the money moved to his allowance account.
For me the money is not the issue, it's the lying, sustained over a period of time that I can't deal with. I think that we can manage the money by putting more controls in place, but I don't think I will ever be able to trust my husband. We also now have a baby - and I worry about how I can sustain my marriage for baby's sake, when whilst I can accept that my husband cannot manage money, I can't accept the lying. Does anyone have any advice?
Chronic Lying
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Chronic lying is an unfortunate problem that exists in some ADHD marriages, and can certainly lead to a lack on trust, which I hear that you are feeling. Lying happens for a number of reasons, most important of which is that the partner who lies doesn't want to disappoint their non-ADHD partner, or feels discomfort or shame about some behavior, and they are trying to cover it up. Lying can reach all the way back to childhood, as a way to deal with authority figures and not get into trouble.
It is very challenging to manage finances with strict controls, and at the same time move away from the parent/child dynamic that exists around this issue. Without shaming him, I support you to have a very frank discussion about how his behavior is impacting the family, and your concerns for the future. And, it would be important that you give him the feedback that says that you would feel a lot better with knowing the truth, even if it is a difficult truth to tell. And then you need to make sure that when he does tell you a difficult truth, you show appreciation for it rather than anger. It would also be important for him to be able to come to you when he hasn't been completely honest, and if he fesses up, you don't punish him in some way for it. Breaking the habit of lying is not easy when someone has used it as their default position for shame. Taking the shame out of the situation is very important. What I am suggesting here may seem contrary to what you might want to do or say. And it can be tough to go this one on your own. You may very well want to seek the help of a counselor who can be a support system to both of you.
I wish you the best.
Lying
Submitted by HK78 on
Thanks Nancie. I hear what you are saying about the shame associated with certain behaviours that leads to the lying. A good friend kind of gave me similar advice when this happened the first time, to think about how my husband must be feeling, and to support him rather than being angry, as the lying is clearly not malicious and he shows remorse and seems to hate the behaviours as much as I do. It's just a bit hard to accept that this is how things are for us right now, and that even with controls in place financially, I can't just make him stop lying. whilst I desperately hope that things will change, I guess I am trying to accept that they might not, and that there may be a point in the future where we both get so weary of all this that our marriage may not last.
Anyway, I have an appt with a counselor this week which will hopefully help. we have also found a local ADHD support group we can attend, as well as working through the books on this website. Thanks for the advice.
Good steps!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
HK78,
You are taking really good steps to work on this issue, and it is very admirable that you are willing to step back and consider your husband's side of all of this. I am glad that you were able to find a support group in your area.
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am curious...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on