I read a previous thread about sex in ADHD relationships but that seemed to focus on excessive porn use. My ADHD husband and I have not had sex in the last year and I can count on one hand how many times in the last 3 years. I don't think that he has any unhealthy interest in porn - I guess I would know if he did. We pretty much live separately in the same house. While saying that he loves me and does not want to separate, he is doing nothing to suggest that he wants me around. I am financially dependent upon him - we have 3 kids, two with ADD and I homeschool one of them. What questions can I ask of the forum or of him to work out what is going on and what to do about it? I've started reading Melissa's book for starters.
Our relationship took the apparently common ADHD path of a quick courtship followed by a swift commitment. Something changed the day we got married and our honeymoon was bloody awful. We plodded along with a once a week sexual pattern until my first pregnancy three years later, where he seemed afraid to have sex and nothing happened until after our baby was 6 months old, another miserable experience. It's been hit and miss ever since, and I'm struggling to work out how we managed to have 2 more kids. All our significant sexual experiences have been dreadful ones - there has been no sense of its significance to me from him. First time for us was the first time for me and his insensitivity shocked me. Likewise our honeymoon and post birth. What could be going on and can we fix it? How? Help please, I feel stuck here in a miserable marriage and I don't feel it needs to be so. We don't argue - barely converse these days, he is a good father, is not abusive and has a good work ethic and sense of responsibility to our family. We simply do not have what I would call a real marriage and I am really lonely, un satisfied and sad.
Hi Jaggs
Submitted by c ur self on
You need a counselor. Have you told him all of this? It sounds like he is suffering just like you...I can promise you he as a problem a hidden secret you do not know about...It could very well be physiological, it sounds like it...But, it needs confronted and diagnosed. Women feeling unloved and abandoned in their own home is how affairs start, it doesn't need to be ignored. (All our significant sexual experiences have been dreadful ones)...Not sure what you mean by this, but, it sounds like you could use some therapy...I suggest you confront it with him in a loving way and stay persistent is trying to encourage him to get help....Hopefully you've tried initiating and made sure he know's you want regular intercourse....
C ur self, thank you for your
Submitted by Jaggs on
C ur self, thank you for your reply. We have been to marriage counselling, although not ADHD specific as he was not diagnosed at the time. We implemented some of the things we learned while we were going, but he kind of forgot about it a few weeks after the sessions were over. I have been seeing a therapist myself and am on antidepressants - have been for some years on and off.
Our eldest two children have autism spectrum conditions and before we knew about the ADHD I thought that my husband did too. He sought out the ADHD diagnosis himself when he reached a crisis point at work, but refuses to follow up on the possible ASD
I've tried all I know...
Submitted by Jaggs on
Our eldest two children have autism spectrum conditions and before we knew about the ADHD I thought that my husband did too. He sought out the ADHD diagnosis himself when he reached a crisis point at work, but refuses to follow up on the possible ASD. I don't know what else to do. We have the same painful conversations about us every few months and now we have just stopped. We sleep apart now. We made an agreement to live together, apart. We don't argue, but he will say things in public that I find crass and hurtful and I let him know about that away from the situation. I have been snarky when he pays lip service to our marriage because he says "I don't want anything else" while behaving as if I don't exist.
Sorry, posting problems...
Submitted by Jaggs on
He will not see a counsellor, he will not accept that he may be depressed or have something else neurological going on. He had severe anxiety as a younger man and does not like to dwell on past pain. He thinks that talking therapies are a painful, unhelpful waste of time. He is a grown-up, I cannot tell him what to do. I cannot be responsible for someone who does not want to deal. If we did not have children I would have left long ago, and if it were financially possible, I would leave now.
There is one who truly understands.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Based on this post, i understand you have a tremendous load on your shoulders, Also I know you can't tell or force a grown man, or woman for that matter to do anything...I've seen and lived with this hopeless reality. So, we either humble ourselves, swallow our pride...and share our needs, even at the cost of being rejected...Or we grow apart, grow cold and in most cases turn bitter, blaming and blind...I will pray for you Jaggs, and your family...I do not know if you have a support system, but I couldn't have made it in this marriage without loving friends, who spoke truth to me, and held me accountable when all I wanted to do was walk away from the pain of what I felt was abuse, being disrespected, unappreciated, and unloved...But, God loves you with the full force of his love...We all have to start there for real changes, real peace real healing to begin in us...Then as that love and peace permeates us...It will flow out to those around us...Changes may come slow, but Love never fails...
My husband is not interested
Submitted by julie sharp on