Firstly, my wife can forget sex for weeks and weeks. That alone is enough to make me just not like sex with her, but I get it and am trying to live with being invisible to her.
but, she can't seem to adjust, change or negotiate a better sex life. If we are having sex, she will do things that don't work for me. No problem, I think, just let her know and all will be well. Not so. Firstly, she freaks out if you ever try to negotiate adjustments in any situation. I'm borderline diabetic and as long as I am strict about what and when I eat I am good. Ask her to pause for a bite when she doesn't want to and you are likely to get shredded with every put down she can think of. 'maybe if you weren't so fat we wouldn't have to stop all the time.' I'm no more overweight than she is. This happens in the bedroom too. If the speed or pressure isn't working, god forbid I say anything. When I actually do get her to listen, it won't stay in her memory for more than a day.
So how do I ever like sex if she is completely incapable of adjusting and ignores me? I've been with other women so I know that it's normal to say I like this and not that... But it seems my wife literally can't adjust. She becomes very irate and demeaning if I even try.
is it possible that her add exhibits in a way that pretty much erases her memory? How do I have sex now? It's gotten so bad that the thought of having sex with her turns me off 100 percent. I don't have ED... Just not sexually attracted to her selfishness anymore.
info and advice appreciated.
Welcome to my world....
Submitted by c ur self on
Here's my add wife's outlook...First she most always tells me how she has no desire and let's me know she is just being a good wife...Secondly like all parts of her life, there is no flexibility with her...very much rigid about position...Unless it's her idea...very controlling....My wife never had a husband until she was 46...me...But, she has been sexually active off and on since age 19...She has many bad memories, from experience's with men...I think some times she has a huge problem with turning it loose...the guilt etc...So, I try to keep quiet and just make the best of the situation...The more I try to interject logic, or the reality sex is right and beautiful for us...Nothing helps...But, you know the funny part...after the speech about no desire...After a few minutes of pelvic pressure, the lost desire, some how return's, She wants on top, and want's to know if I can go fishing in my mind or something to give her time.... its a miracle! Hang in there codrdave...
My ADHD husband always had a
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband always had a very low sex drive, but wouldn't be honest about it. He would come up with all kinds of excuses why he couldn't get "in the mood", or why he would loose his erection and never finish, etc. He has always had ED, and a low sperm count, which also ended up making him infertile. With that as well, he wouldn't accept that it was HIM that was the problem in our not conceiving. He demanded that I go get tested FIRST, (even though I already had 2 children by my first marriage) and I tested out fine. He got tested and there was the ED, low sperm count, low motility, poorly developed sperm and was told by the doctor that he was infertile. He STILL didn't want to accept that it was him. (denial) I have the copy of the letter from the doctor.
He wanted sex in only one or two positions, didn't like to be "touched" like back rubs, or anything, would climax way too quickly, and wouldn't take hardly any time to pleasure me. When he was done......sex was pretty much "over". (3 mins or less) I really thought I could change all that, by doing ALL sorts of things.......NOPE. didn't change a thing. (just frustrated myself in the process) Since he wouldn't be HONEST about what was happening to his body and in his mind, we couldn't TALK about it or come to ANY kinds of agreements or discussions on how to make it better. It REALLY affected my self esteem, and I felt like such a failure as a woman, that couldn't get her "man" to get charged up about sex. What man doesn't like SEX? Well, many with this disorder have issues with sex, both pro and con.
But, also guess who was the one to have an affair? yep you guess it. HIM. Here I was the sex starved wife, that couldn't get ANY, and he goes out and gets another woman. (the sex wasn't any better with HER either) (I found out) The change has to come within THEMSELVES. WE can't do it for them. We have had "sex" many times, but I have never "been made LOVE to" by my husband. That's a sad thing to say. I wish I had more uplifting things to say to you, but at this time I can't. But, I know others can, because this is a really helpful website. You'll get some great feedback here. just keep posting. I wish you both well.
About the 'being made love to' comment.
Submitted by codrdave on
Firstly, I want you to recognize I respect your personal preferences. I really mean that.
And maybe my issue with 'making love' is because my wife is ADD and I really struggle to connect emotionally with her. But I just don't like that type of sex. I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do. Before she was diagnosed, we became swingers. Not my best choice. But I did experience women who were responsive in bed and had a sex drive that I could actually register as real. As soon as the woman I was with was responsive and for lack of a better way of describing it 'saw me', I went right to making love. So maybe it's our dynamic and not the style itself.
That said, with my wife, I really dislike 'making love'. I like wild kinky, athletic sex. For me, these are just flavors of the same thing. Nothing is lost or gained by doing any particular style. It's JUST a style of sex.
Either way, her ADD presents such a road block to feeling sensual that I'd rather not have sex with her than make love. I just repulses me. There is more to it than just the emotional aspect too... she forgets to wash up and her hygiene can be so offensive that if I breath through my nose I nearly vomit. Forget oral sex most of the time...
I'd just rather never have sex again at this point. She forgets sex, has poor hygiene and never responds to any request. Why bother... masturbation is infinitely more fulfilling.
More than just ADD?
Submitted by NewLifeNewHope on
As a woman with ADD, I am very much the opposite of what you describe. My problem has been my husband's low sex drive (which improved recently since going on anti-depressants). So, I wonder whether there is more going on with your wife than just the ADD. I have a very healthy sex drive and for me it's an important part of a loving relationship. I don't have a problem with some gentle pointers/requests along the way, although particular issues should be dealt with outside the bedroom, I think. As for hygiene: perhaps she doesn't bother because she's not interested in sex? I know that's not very helpful, but if her other issues are dealt with, that should improve. I'm very aware of hygiene because I want to make love to my husband (and if I don't feel clean, it does put me off a bit), so that motivates me (amongst other things) to maintain good standards in that area. Have you considered that your wife might be suffering from depression? It is very common with ADD, and much of what you describe fits the bill.
Same here
Submitted by Terra on
As - another - woman with ADD, what NewLifeNewHope wrote is true for me, too.
If I find myself not feeling open - enthusiastic - about intimacy... then there's something "off" (distressing, off-putting) going on, outside of the bed, outside of sex. Which requires conversations, outside of bed, to uncover.
That said, I also prefer that if there are conversations pending about changes of how sex will happen, better to have those conversations beforehand, outside of the moment.
Yes, ADHD does involve memory
Submitted by Saira on
Yes, ADHD does involve memory issues.
Also, if I recall correctly, with ADHD I think there's a 70-80% chance that someone with ADHD has a second disorder, and a 50% chance that someone with ADHD has a third disorder. The two most common psychiatric disorders for people with ADHD are depression and anxiety. Other sources also say it's six times more likely for someone with ADHD to have other disorders than it is for normal people.
People with ADHD may also have a sensory disorder if I recall. It was mentioned in Gina Pera's book "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D."