Or rather......what isn't ADD/ADHD? Does anyone really know? I don't really know either but I'm sure I have it (me ADHD) according to my therapist and everything I've learned and read about it over the last 10 years. I fit the list of criteria perfectly. I pass all the tests with flying colors. Other people say I act or behave like I have it.....you know what they say? Who are they THEY anyway? Are They the ones who made up the concept of PC? Actually...that was the Moral Majority (which are neither). Are They the ones who decide social constructs?.....the ones who decide one day what was good is now bad....and then later, neither one instead??? Sounds like a carnival ride? I don't think I trust what they believe I am whoever They are. I don't even know them and they certainly don't know me.
Every person that I have ever met who says they have ADHD are completely different than me in almost every way except for a very few similarities. Maybe that's a clue? Let's see......likeable, talkative and open, active, has lot of interests, good sense of humor, not good at house work. Sounds more like a dating sight profile?
Is ADHD all the things that your parents said about you when you were growing up? One of my favorite quotes from the late Frank Zappa was..." if you had realized just how lame your parents really were when you were young you would have killed them in their sleep." He was joking of course but he raised a valid point. I've pretty much discounted most of the things my parents said that "I was" by now......most of the time in fact, mine didn't know shit about noth'in...it's true!
Is ADHD the collective complaints made by all of the non spouses on this forum? That would be: a lazy, lying, ,cheating, messy, disorganized, spaced out, video game addicted, alcoholic, pot smoking, drug addicted, unemployed porn addict....who is also an insensitive, self centered, self absorbed narcissist who is not very bright with a bad memory and is angry all the time. Sweet Jesus.....who wouldn't be angry with that list of accolades!! Did I miss anything?
Can anyone really tell if someone has ADD or ADHD just by looking at them? Do we really act different, talk different than everyone else? Couldn't you apply any one of the character traits listed above to literarily anyone any where?
Is it a disorder?...and just what constitutes a disorder different from a group of personality traits. Why do some who have it do well...and others who do not?
Is it a learning disability? I had difficulty with math in high school....does that count?
If all the books and literature written by people who research and study ADD/ADHD keep changing every few years...couldn't a person make the assumption that what is believed today will be different some time in the near future? I have to keep reminding myself every time I go to the doctor when he is just about to stab me with a syringe that......he only practicing medicine. When will they ever get to the place when they stop practicing and get it right? And what if they are wrong? Who ever THEY are!!
All I know for sure about myself is that I am fundamentally a hard working good person who makes a genuine attempt to live by the golden rule.....and routinely walks into the next room and asks myself....." what did I come in here for?"
Please...if anyone knows the one definitive answer to this questions I would greatly appreciate it........I can use the sleep. Thanks
J
Good to here from you again!
Submitted by c ur self on
Let me answer that question for you so you can get some sleep;)...What is add/adhd? The answer is it doesn't matter...
(Is ADHD the collective complaints made by all of the non spouses on this forum? That would be: a lazy, lying, ,cheating, messy, disorganized, spaced out, video game addicted, alcoholic, pot smoking, drug addicted, unemployed porn addict....who is also an insensitive, self centered, self absorbed narcissist who is not very bright with a bad memory and is angry all the time. Sweet Jesus.....who wouldn't be angry with that list of accolades!! Did I miss anything?) You are still funny...this list is funny, but, sadly so true for many people...But, back to your question...I have come to realize add/adhd is a mute point; If, everyone with it (or without for that matter) will ask themselves one question...What does the effects of my presents, words and actions have on others around me, especially those who are forced to coexist with me? Then take the naked truth and determine in our hearts, that I am going to live my life is such a responsible manner as to never dump on others or make an excuse for anything I do or say that would cause them pain or discomfort, no matter where this responsibility trail leads me.That one simple question and follow up by each of us would put this forum out of business. Take care....
Thanks for making my point c ur self
Submitted by kellyj on
...and done very well too. I have made great strides recently by focusing (even hyperfocusing lol) not on the negative aspects of my ADHD but on the positive ones and using them to do the things that you metioned...taking responsibility when needed if I am doing things to others (namely my wife) in areas that I know I need to. Labeling and pathologizing everything as whether or not it is ADHD can get in the way of simply doing something about for both sides of the equation.
I had to return to the forum briefly to say that when it comes to a marriage or relationship.....most of the problems that people are experiencing here can be considered ones that all people in general of any label you might choose experience to some degree
For us with ADHD.....getting past the labels and tags that people use for us and not taking things personal can go a long way for doing something about it in the first place.
For the non spouses.....letting go of the more innocuous symptoms (the devil is in the details) and focusing on only the most important ones does wonders if you can just narrow it down to a manageable level (for us). It can be as big or as little as you make it. Only you can decide or choose that for yourself. If the problems all appear to be big....then everything you see is big and overwhelming. The reverse is also true.
The progress and improvement that my wife and I have experienced of late is largely due to her bringing down the size and importance of the issues we've been facing. In turn.....I've ramped up my efforts as a show of appreciation.
The spiral appears to have changed directions and at this point....it doesn't really matter whether the egg or the chicken came first.
Thanks for your resonse
C ur self
Submitted by lauren07 on
Very, very well said;)
Where the trail leads
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
.I have come to realize add/adhd is a mute point; If, everyone with it (or without for that matter) will ask themselves one question...What does the effects of my presents, words and actions have on others around me, especially those who are forced to coexist with me? Then take the naked truth and determine in our hearts, that I am going to live my life is such a responsible manner as to never dump on others or make an excuse for anything I do or say that would cause them pain or discomfort, no matter where this responsibility trail leads me.
c ur self,
I really like this!
Liz
thank you for this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
JJ, it's SO GREAT to hear from you. I've always enjoyed your posts and how eloquently you write. I agree with your assessment of what is/isn't important in dealing with these issues. The best thing is to live as best we can and treat each other with respect, kindness and do our best. In the whole scheme of things, time is so fleeting that before we know it, life is over and what have we really DONE with our lives?
Being the spouse of an ADHD'er who won't truly face their condition, it's been especially hard, and this place has been a nice place to say what I can't say to my family and close friends. The posts that come from people like you have helped me tremendously, and we wish most ADHD'ers could be as diligent about their condition and as loving to their family as you have been. (as well as curself, and others) Thank you for this.
WHAT IS ADD/ADHD.......REALLY?
Submitted by kellyj on
This is a dissected portion of an article I recently discovered while doing some searching for the answer to this question that (for me) completely satisfies it in a way that not just makes sense to me, it confirms what I already know from a lifetime of having it and my own experience in struggling to define it and to recognize it (see it ) in myself, and understand it in order to effectively counteract the symptoms themselves. I think it's important to note here, my own need for this in my own ability (or inability) to initiate improvements and manage my ADHD. I say this now, because it does appear to be both a source of frustration for other people who don't understand this need, and myself in how I perceive things in order to understand them. Simply put another way....how I learn and what is necessary for my own ability to learn new things and commit them to permanent memory.
The purpose of me doing this are two fold: a) so I can make copies of this for myself so I can follow these (2) directives; (2) externalized sources of motivation, often artificial, must be arranged within the context at the point of performance; and (3) these compensatory, prosthetic forms of motivation must be sustained for long periods Which, at this point of my life now realize are not only essential to have for improvement, but are MANDATORY if any long lasting improvement is going to manifest itself in a sustainable way.....no ifs, ands, or buts.......period!
And then.....post these copies around my house in various places ie: bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinets, near my bed on a wall, refrigerator, in my work space etc..in order to follow through with these directives themselves and put this into action.
This being one of many possibilities that I now know will work well for me personally. And since I don't have "WORD" currently on this computer (ha)...I thought this might be of use to anyone else who could use it for themselves as I personally think it carries a lot of weight on it's own for a means to truly understand what ADD/ADHD really is in a summarized form by definition alone.
For anyone who is interested....here's the link to this entire essay http://www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/ADHD_EF_and_SR.pdf
The Important Role of Executive Functioning
and Self-Regulation in ADHD
Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
Parents (SPOUCES/PARTNERS )and educators dealing with children (or adults) with ADHD are likely to have heard increasing references to the terms “executive functioning” (EF) and “self-regulation” over the past few years. One often hears that ADHD is a disorder of EF or that ADHD involves poor self-regulation. But what does this mean? How are these terms related to each other and to ADHD? Does this have some impact on the way in which one should manage the disorder?
We can now understand that ADHD involves more than just the obvious symptoms of inattention/distractibility and impulsivity/hyperactivity, as listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, 4 th Edition(DSMIV).
It is now obvious that the underlying psychological difficulties that are giving rise to these symptoms involve deficits in all of the major EFs, and each of these EFs is a type of self-regulation a special form of self-directed action.
ADHD therefore involves deficits in:
(1) self-restraint,
(2)self-awareness,
(3)self speech,
(4) self sensing and imagery,
(5) self control of emotion
(6) self motivation, and
(7) self directed play for problem solving.
It also can be reasoned that if EF deficits result in the under control of behavior by internally represented forms of information (EFs), then that information needs to get “externalized” as much as possible, whenever feasible, at critical points of performance in the natural setting." To “externalize” information is to make it physical outside of the individual.
The term “self-regulation” in psychology has a relatively specific definition. While it is often considered the means by which an individual manages themselves in order to attain their goals, it can be thought of as having at least three components.
Self-regulation involves:
(1) any action an individual directs at themselves so as to
(2) result in a change in their behavior (from what they
might otherwise have done) in order to
(3) change the likelihood of a future consequence or
attainment of a goal.
If the rules that are understood to be operating during educational or occupational activities, for instance, do not seem to be controlling the person’s behavior, they should be externalized. The rules can be externalized by posting signs about the school or work environment that are related to
these rules and having the adult frequently refer to them. Having the adult verbally self state these rules aloud before and during these individual work performances may also be helpful.
The methods of behavior modification are particularly well suited to achieving these ends. Many techniques exist within this form of treatment that can be applied to those with children and adults with EF deficits. What first needs to be recognized, as this model of ADHD stipulates, is that...
(1) internalized, self-generated forms of motivation are weak at initiating and sustaining goal directed
behavior;
(2) externalized sources of motivation, often artificial, must be arranged within the context
at the point of performance; and
(3) these compensatory, prosthetic forms of motivation must be
sustained for long periods.
In summary for myself here.....I see these last directives the most difficult and challenging for anyone to deal with on either side when it comes to acceptance.
For US who have it, we already know why this is and need to accept that no one else will probably understand or accept any of this either now, or at any time in the future. This is what we have to be willing to accept and live with....... this simple fact. And then, not let this alone affect us and be the thing that holds us back from simply following these guidelines as fact because we know they are.
Simply put.....we cannot take this personally.
Lobbying for change with your partner would be the clear choice between taking things personally and the resulting reactions to this that everyone involved already knows ie: resistance, opposition, deference, denial, dissociation, dissuasion, confrontation and anger.
J
J...just want to say THANK YOU
Submitted by dedelight4 on
J, I just want to say a big THANK YOU for all your posts. As an ADHD guy, I KNOW your posts are an invaluable asset here to this forum. The folks WITH ADHD need to feel free to come here and post, and I believe all your input encourages that. Plus, they give us partners of ADHD'ers information and insight into a world that we at times, find confusing and sometimes hurtful. Also c ur self, IS ANOTHER guy who writes excellent posts and adds to this forum (big time) as well. I'm glad there are more men beginning to write in, and I hope that continues.
Once again, THANK YOU for the great posts.
Dede
dedelight4
Submitted by fxymsty on
Very true us adhders really could benefit by hearing how it is on the other side of the fence. I know that being my husband must be a challenge every day. Fortunately, he starts each day with a kiss. No matter how yesterday went or where the day goes from there it always starts out with love. This little bit of effort keeps the love going even when we are strained due to the messy house, laundry, when I get distracted and forget about dinner, or just whatever it is that may cause strain. That one simple act reassures both of us that we are here for love and we stay for love. No matter how hard it gets, just remembering how much you love someone can make the struggle worthwhile.
dedelight4
Submitted by fxymsty on
Very true us adhders really could benefit by hearing how it is on the other side of the fence. I know that being my husband must be a challenge every day. Fortunately, he starts each day with a kiss. No matter how yesterday went or where the day goes from there it always starts out with love. This little bit of effort keeps the love going even when we are strained due to the messy house, laundry, when I get distracted and forget about dinner, or just whatever it is that may cause strain. That one simple act reassures both of us that we are here for love and we stay for love. No matter how hard it gets, just remembering how much you love someone can make the struggle worthwhile.
Back At You Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
and touche....you guys are good! Nicely done. Positive reinforcement does work as I said. I just used again with my wife when she came home early with a smile. I hear you.
J