Hi All,
I'm new to this site but I realized after registering that I had already been to this site years ago but never engaged. Oh how sorry I am for that decision. I just came across Melissa's new book published in April 2014 on Amazon.com last night and I downloaded it. This past week, I was ready to leave my husband or have him move out. My situation became critical after I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in March of this year. For three years, I had MS symptoms but didn't know quite what it was.
After being married to my husband for 13 years, I felt like I just couldn't take any more lashing out at me or anymore anger directed towards me. I got away with my two boys and went to my mother's house for some peace last week. I noticed a huge change in my young children (ages 7 and 9). They weren't fighting with each other as much and they were calmer. They also got very emotional when it was time to go back home. It dawned on me very quickly that all the years of marriage classes and counseling NEVER addressed my husband's severe ADHD.
As a child, my husband was on Ritalin from 3rd grade through high school. After high school and off of his childhood ADD medication, he began to drink alcohol. By the time I met him, I was once divorced (with no kids) but he was clearly an alcoholic. I decided about 1 year into our relationship, that I didn't want to have another divorce so I told him that I couldn't see him anymore if he was going to drink. I heard him get emotional on the phone and then the next day, he signed up for an out patient alcohol recovery program. That was 14 1/2 years ago and he's been sober ever since. But, being sober does not mean that his ADHD stopped. In fact, it got worse after we had our first child in 2004. I never thought that having children would be so stressful for him. He had a successful career that was stressful so I thought having kids would be no problem. Boy was I wrong. From the time we brought home our first son, we constantly fought over who would do what. We both had and still have thriving careers. If a task stressed him out, he just yelled at me and told me I would need to do it. It was a tit for tat constantly. After our second child came along in 2007, our marriage was miserable. I was miserable. I figured that it had to be something I was doing or that we just needed to "love each other more" or really "work on our marriage more". None of this helped. After 5 Christian counselors, multiple small group marriage studies and now on the verge of divorce, it occurred to me that we never solve the REAL problem.....ADHD.
I have enlisted the help of a counselor that specializes in ADHD in children as well as women's needs. My first appointment is in one week. I hope that maybe she can help me heal from all the hurt and torment that I've endured and then help me to move forward with getting my husband some help. Imagine never having your husband tell you that you are cherished, beautiful or that he loves you unconditionally. Imagine that every normal stress in your life becomes a huge problem. Imagine your young children yelling at their dad "Why are you being mean to Mommy?" Imagine that you dread any time spent with this person (even though you love them dearly). That has been my life for 16 years. Now, I am on daily injections of Copaxone for my MS which has gotten worse over the past 3 years. I have hand tremors, heat intolerance, fatigue, leg and arm pain, stiffness in my joints and constant exacerbations due to the stress I am under in my marriage relationship. There were times that I didn't want to live on this earth anymore (it was too painful) but my faith in Jesus is the ONLY reason I'm still here and why I'm still (after all the abuse) at least willing to look at the possibility that MAYBE my husband can get some help and MAYBE we can one day have a normal marriage. But as I sit here, I still don't know if separation and/or divorce is in our future. I don't want it to be that way but my man has "broke me" to the point where I don't know what options I have left. I'm just going to take it day by day at this point and continue to pray for strength from God so I can put one foot in front of the other. My happiest moments are when I'm away with my children by myself or when I get out of the house for a few hours by myself.
Please pray for me and my family. And I will do the same for you. Prayer is a powerful thing.
Dear Daughter,
Submitted by Standing on
I am praying for strength and healing, comfort and peace for you... and for each of us here with these struggles.
I am so sorry that you're having to endure this. I hope that this new counselor is someone with whom you will receive the validation and support you so need and deserve! If this turns out to not be the one, please do not give up... seek out another.
This forum is a good fellowship of people in similar circumstances. As you read and share, I'm sure that you'll find some relief in knowing that you are SO not alone.
Thank you for the prayers....
Submitted by DaughterOfTheKing on
Hi Standing,
Thank you for the prayers. I really want to see change in my marriage. I think the hardest part is that my husband rarely talks about anything "deep" so it's hard when I try to address his ADHD in our marriage. My husband is very critical and angry (most times over nothing). Having people over stresses him out and so does having friends that he can call. His friendships are almost nonexistent (which leaves me completely isolated in this). If I invite friends over without discussing it with him first (which I have to do because he says NO 95% of the time), I will pay for that and he will berate me up until the moment those friends arrive to the house. Then he puts on a show for our friends like nothing is wrong.
On a self reflection note: After getting 50% through "The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD" last night, I realized that I need to stop presenting my husband with the negative things that happened throughout my day. I usually tell him the good things too but the negatives REALLY bother him. I was careful yesterday not to mention little details of my day that were bothersome. I'm a detailed person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I probably tell him too much and that is what really bothers him I'm sure. Now, if it's something that affects our home or our children, I really need to time those discussions at night (after the kids go to bed) when he's more open to discussing things that he may perceive as bothersome.
The last time I remember really falling in love with him again was when I won a trip to NYC in 2012 at my work. We went without the kids and he really wasn't that bad. His symptoms seemed to lessen significantly because there was no homework to do with the kids, no work for him and just having fun with me. The less stress he has around him, the better he does. The problem is, with day to day life, I can't re-create a trip to NYC with no responsibilities, all I can do is TRY TO keep his stress level down without losing my sanity or feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I take responsibility for my actions, I just hope he will be willing to get on some sort of medication and/or counseling. It's so imperative that he participates in this process. I am looking forward to reading the many posts on this site so I can not feel so alone. None of my friends (that I know of), are married to an ADHD husband so loneliness is a frequent feeling.