My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and severe depression in June three years ago. The reason I had him diagnosed was because I caught him cheating on me by giving me an STD. After 17 years of marriage and knowing from the beginning this was the only thing I could not tolerate, he did it anyway. I immediately seeked council of my minister as well as a therapist. I learned that if I wanted to save my marriage, I had to forgive him with the understanding that he would change. He claimed he cheated on me with prostitutes, three times in three years. I never believed that and thought he had no remorse and was just sorry he got caught. Well, we went to individual counseling, church and couples counseling. Things were getting better and after a year and a half, we renewed our wedding vows. As soon as the renewal took place, he went back to being his old self. Irresponsible, never being present, I could never reach him and he began to shut down from me. He lied continuously about where he was (if he even told me he was going out). He began attending my daughter's school sports games, playing golf and watching sports games at the local Elks and VFW.
We have one daughter who was bound for college this fall. I handle all the paperwork, bills, refinancing our mortgage (and getting one for that matter). I handle all the financial, school, investment, banking decisions, you name it. My husband cannot even reconcile a checkbook statement. During the past six months, he began to be extremely defensive whenever I asked him a question, he retreated to our family room downstairs, and the only time I really saw him was at dinner (I make a "Sunday" dinner every night). I was hoping I could wait until my daughter went off to school this September before ending it, because I was at the point where it was more painful to stay with him than be without him. I felt that he degraded me, belittled me, and treated me like I was worthless.
I am 48 years old with MS (though you would never know it because I am able to keep my illness in check and most people wouldn't even know I had it since you cannot tell physically) and I am the doer in my home. After meeting with my minister shortly over 2 months ago, he gave it to me straight, "that my husband didn't love me and was using me to do all of his stuff that he didn't want to do nor knew how to do". He prayed with me that I would be able to see the truth in all of this and separate because God didn't want any of his people to be abused emotionally and feel worthless. Well, it took me one day to acknowledge this and after he mouthed off at me again the next day, I called the police and had him removed.
I knew he had ADHD, but never really looked into it thoroughly due to time constraints; he really didn't look into it--sure he tried the medicine, changed it a couple of times and then just stopped without telling me. The verbal and emotional abuse were more than I could take any longer and now I find myself trying to "save" him. I am obviously a co-dependent, helping anyone and everyone who needs it (one of the things my husband hated that I did). I filed for separation support, but he counter filed to divorce. I told him I would not sign for divorce because I was hoping this would shake him and he would try to help himself. I cannot for the life of me know how anyone could live with the guilt of cheating consistently, lying, and living a double life.
I guess my question is who can help us the most? I know he will never get help unless he acknowleges the problem, but he is in partial denial. We did go to marriage counseling for three years which helped me greatly, but he thought it was a venting session for me--he never did his homework, but went any way every week because he thought he was "doing his part". Should I even bother trying to save this or is it definitely too late. It is so painful I cannot even stand myself and cannot get him out of my head. He did come over to "talk" and I demanded a change and that he get help, but his main concern was "when can I move back in".
I also take care of my elderly mother and am at my wits end. Though being rejected by him time and time again, it hurts the most this time even though I had him leave, he was never here to begin with, if you know what I mean. I would like to find an ADHD specialist for him, for me (I guess I don't know how to communicate with an ADHD person), and couples counseling. Bottom line, if he truly doesn't want it, it will never happen. Any help you could give me would be a God send and greatly appreciated.
"Bottom line, if he truly
Submitted by Jeannie on
"Bottom line, if he truly doesn't want it, it will never happen. "
This answers your question. You could be married to my (now ex) husband who has severe ADHD. I saw the first inkling of his issues right before we got married, but I didn't know he had ADHD until the last few years. I didn't truly understand it until I started reading this forum.
The longer we were married, the worse things got. I kept thinking things would get better. Maybe when he got older... Maybe when he had less stress... After 25 years, it only got worse. He lied to me, cheated on me, and was constantly pilfering money from our accounts rather than live within a budget. He showed complete disrespect for me as well as for most people he dealt with (unless they were female and he was interested in them). I was kind and supportive to him, which is not to say I never lost my temper after he pushed my buttons long enough. He loves conflict. He chased any and all women, whether in real life or online. He would "fall in love" with a new one each week/month, even if it was just a picture. It was a "anyone but my wife" attitude even though I am above average in appearance and intelligence. Men would constantly try to pick me up, even with him next to me. I did everything around the house and took care of all finances. He would tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, while he was lying, cheating, and stealing behind my back. He has extreme hoarding behaviors. He drinks to excess. He is addicted to porn. Our sex life was non-existent. His sex life with himself was never-ending. He was never home except to sleep. He was never there for me. He had long stopped being my friend. He knew he had problems. He knew he was treating me badly. He had access to counseling and medicine. But he didn't think he needed them, even after he lost his job because of his attitude and disrespect for people.
I am now on my own and loving it. I am happier and healthier. I am no longer having stress-related health issues. I am smiling and laughing again. I miss the sweet part of him which I know is buried deep inside, but I realize that that part is no longer available to me. Sometimes I think it only exists in my mind. I am regaining my confidence and doing the things I love to do. I don't have the stress of wondering when he does come home, is he going to be nice or mean. He has moved onto another woman, who he thinks he is madly in love with. I am jealous that she is getting that good part of him right now. But I also feel sorry for her and what lies ahead. I would never change places with her.
I can't tell you or anyone whether to leave or stay. But I can tell you, if the other person doesn't want it to work, you will only be miserable. It takes two to make a marriage. In my case, I was the only one in the marriage. He had long left it. It just took me many painful years to realize it.
Bottom line, if he truly
Submitted by clover1 on
Thank you for your wonderful comment. I had to stop reading it because I was crying too hard. Our situations and circumstances are almost identical. I get what you say about the stress of wondering when he comes home who he's going to be, but I guess what's the hardest thing is acceptance that he just doesn't love me any more. He was actually supposed to call me yesterday; I left him 2 messages and I still haven't heard back from him. Doesn't sound like someone who loves me, huh? I know I'm reaching for miracles that don't exist. He has porn every where, telephone #'s I don't recognize, etc. I could go on and on. I think he's playing with me so he can get his old life back (without me of course) or he is deliberately trying to hurt me. Would that stimulate him in his own world? I have never known anyone who is like this, he is not normal, he doesn't think the way normal people do and by God, I can't accept that he can live guilt free doing all of these things. Are ADHD people able to turn you off in their heads and bury the truth of what's really going on? It just seems to me that he is living in the past and picks and chooses what he hears, wants to do, and whom to do it with. Is this true?
How can I get pain free and not want him anymore? Is there a secret to this that I am unware of? I am also a co-dependent and a realist, but apparently not when it comes to him. If all of this is true, I don't know how I can accept it and move on. Do you think he's a sociopath and do you think your ex is? Thank you.
I can relate..you will survive
Submitted by Ann2222 on
lbidgood11,
I just finalized my divorce from my ADHD husband last month. We dated for almost 8 years before we got married and were married for 7 years when things fell apart. My youngest child was only 2 months old when I found a receipt for viagra that was dated the day he went on a trip. I later discovered that he was having an affair and all the while was blaming me for his reason for wanting to leave. It has taken me 2 painful years to come to a place of peace about the situation. I did not know until March of this year that he suffered from ADHD. He realized this himself after my daughter was diagnosed in February of this year. Looking back now I see how his undiagnosed, untreated ADHD contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Throughout the years he was such a good manipulator that he really had me convinced that there was something wrong with me and I bought into it. It has taken these 2 years of separation to see clearly that IT WAS NOT ME!! In fact...I was the sane one in the marriage. I went through all the questions that you are going through before I knew his diagnosis. At first I thought he might be on the down low (interested in men), then I concluded he was a narcissist, then I thought he possibly could be a sociopath. It was not until this past March when I realized he had ADHD that all the peices fell into place. If you have not read any good books about ADHD please do so. The amount of research I have done about this disability has slowly opened my eyes to all the complex problems and issues that come along with Adult ADHD. One of the major things I think you are seeing with your husband is lack of empathy. Adults with ADHD, not all of course, tend to have a hard time having empathy for anyone and anything because they are so focused on the "now" (please go to Jeffsaddmind.com which has some great posts on this facet of ADHD) that they are unable to understand how their actions are affecting the people around them. The other thing is that I have read about how the p/w ADHD has hyperfocus when a relationship first starts but that focus on the person they are with fades over time and they become bored and are ready to move on to the next person or situation.
The first thing you have to pound into your head is.....IT IS NOT YOU!!!! The next thing you need to realize is that until he is treated his behavior is not going to change and will probably get worse over time. It has taken me awhile to get this through my head but if you follow the suggestion of a previous poster to surround yourself with friends and family that love you, this message will eventually get through and you will see it more clearly. It is going to be difficult for you to really understand these things as long as he is still around manipulating you. It has taken me being separated from my ex to be able to clearly see the situation for what it really is.
As far as you getting pain free and not wanting him anymore....this is also going to be a process. It is a painful process but the saying is true that time heals all. I will tell you the thing that is helping me get past the pain and start to move on after 2 years is that I see even after being separated from myself and our 2 daughters...he has not changed or grown in the least bit. I thought when he left that he was leaving me. I thought it would allow him some breathing room and allow him to better balance his life. I have seen that this is not the case. He is even more of a workaholic now than he has ever been. He has not taken our children for an overnight visit in the 2 years he has been gone because he claims he is staying with a friend and has nowhere for them to stay. I am realizing now that he basically does not want the responsibility of taking care of the 2 children we have. He spends time with them when he feels like it and it is basically fun time...none of the mundane day to day tasks and chores that it takes to raise children. He has lied...lied and lied some more throughout the whole divorce process. I have found out that he has been living with a female and that is basically the reason he has not wanted to take our children. He has now moved her into our old family home that the courts awarded him because it was premarital. So bottom line....I have seen an individual that I do not know. And the more he does that just seems to me to be wrong in every kind of way...the more it makes me realize that I am so much better without him. I never thought I would say that 2 years ago. I really wanted my marriage to work and thought it would since both his parents and my parents had marriages that lasted beyond 30 years. But the reality is...he has serious issues and until he addresses these issues...the next person is not going to be treated any better than I was. I am slowly getting past the anger and am really starting to have sympathy for him because I see how truly out of control his life is. He truly is acting like a teenager. Do some reading on ADHD and Emotional Intelligence. This topic will also shed some light on how differently the untreated pwADHD can be emotionally different from someone without the disability.
I would recommend reading as much as you can about this topic. These forums are a great place to start but I would recommend Driven to Distraction by Hallowell. Dr Amen's book on ADHD is also good in truly getting an understanding of how the brain of someone with ADHD functions differently than that with someone without.
Hang in there. What you are going through is very difficult. But know that you are not alone. Do everything you can to educate yourself and also do things that are going to rebuild your self esteem so you have the strength to move forward and do the things you need to do to get to a more peaceful place in your life.
I have been seperated from my
Submitted by optomistic on
I have been seperated from my husband for 9 months and I have to agree about finding myself again. My husband who has Adhd/ depression and is an alcoholic tried all sorts of meds, went to psycs, was diagnosed since the age of 5yrs. hes now 40 yrs old, his way of coping is alcohol and getting high. its sad because hes not the man I married.He had a past even before I married him.but me being nieve thought things would be different. I feel for all you ladies who are divorced I too am most likely heading there because I haven't seen much change in him. Even today he came over to work on this nightmare van of his that has been a big hassel. He was drinking. I've asked him not to drink at the house but he doesn't listen. He is helping me financialy but only for "his kids" as he calls them. Ha, I gave birth and have cared for them all these years but they are his kids. My husband as well use to try to make me think that I had something wrong with me. He said that he never met anyone like me, and that I have problems.Well being seperated has truly made me realize how Wrong he is. I'am not the one with the problems He is! Although I admit I'am not perfect. last summer I got so angry at him after he came back from working in another state. He admitted to me that he did crack cocaine, talked (he said) to prostitutes and the next day had no money so he pawned off his wedding ring because he needed gas. he never sent me any money as the kids and I had to ask for assistance from my church. My gas was shut off at that time and some days had no gas in my tank. when he came back and admitted this all with a hung head it was the straw that broke the camel's back.Before he left he bounced our checking account because he bought a bunch of pot. I went into a rage and broke his van window , back lights. I snapped and the next day was in the hospital for 4 days. thats what anger does so I have come a long way. I'am really not a angry person , I never did anything like that . I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.I have a lot of compassion and your right about them having "lack of empathy" I would add lack of compassion.My husband is as well self absorbed, and doesn't even resemble the man I married. Alcohol is a crutch that really ruins lives.
I 'am admitting this because it may help someone to see that living in a life that brings them down and stresses them to extreme measures can lead to disaster in the long run. If not effect your health. I LOVE my life now, I have peace and have found myself again.Me a compassionate person who loves life and loves learning about it. I'am o.k. and my kids are in a peaceful atmosphere which has helped them although they do miss their father.My youngest son who is 8 yrs old has Adhd/ODD. he has some of the annoying traits my husband has like you can't interupt at all if he is talking. If he doesn't want to do something he changes the subject or yells at me. But my son has come a long way and I am devoted in breaking the generational inheritance that was given to him by his father and my husband got it from his father. I see him changing and being so much calmer than he use to be when my hubby was around. We no longer walk on egg shells. I can honestly say I NEVER want to go back to that way of living because to me it was no quality of life. I can see better now since I have been alone. even with meds when they go that far its so hard for them to change. I hope the best for all of you and to those who have found yourselves again ,I say cheers to you. see who you really are clean your mirror!!thanks for reading and letting me write. God bless you!!!
A few months have passed since
Submitted by Jeannie on
A few months have passed since I made my post. My ex's new girlfriend finally figured out that she got no bargain and left him (as have all of the other women he was chasing during our marriage except for the married one who is after him for his money). He was with a new online girlfriend within a month after separating from his last girlfriend, flying her to see him. He has very few friends left because he treats everyone so badly. The friends that he has left are only there because he spends money on them. People are still coming forward telling me of all of the women he was hitting on during our marriage and other awful things. Ibidgood asked if I thought he was a sociopath. Answer: Yes, as well as ADHD, porn and sex addiction, a hoarder, alcohol addiction, compulsive spender, polycheater, and a compulsive liar. I feel I am now through the worst of it. I realize now that "I" make me happy. He didn't/doesn't. I would be happy when he wasn't home, but became unhappy after he was home for a bit. I have deep sympathy for those here who are struggling to work through their relationship with people like this, some of whom aren't as bad as he was/is. Each day, I grow stronger and happier. I am much poorer than I was with him as he had the money, but I am very, very much happier. Thanks to everyone here for the support. This forum really was one of the most helpful things to me in understanding what happened.
me too
Submitted by nrparents on
So much of this rings true for me, except my husband refuses to leave, trapping me in an impossible position. Consider yourself lucky you could move on!
listen to others
Submitted by brendab on
Ibidgood11,
I lived your life for 34 years. I would recommend that you get several people in your life to help you get a clearer understanding of what you are dealing with here. Only you can make the final decision but please listen to people like your minister. When I was in your situation I could not be objective about what was happening in my life. I was easily manipulated because I was fearful.
My ex merely wanted me to keep things status quo, he had no interest in creating a values based life. He would not do the work. You should focus on yourself and get good advice from other people who love you. No one in my life told me to divorce, but I sat a deadline for him to change and told him so. I told him exactly what I required and I gave him one more year of my life. I did this in a very manner of fact way.
My counselor told me that one of my greatest problems was this pattern. My husband would misbehave (as in cheat or lie), I would get furious and vent, he would make all kinds of promises, and then I'd cave and accept him back into my life. (This happened over and over) Once I separated my counselor correctly predicted that I would be tempted to cave again. he told me that I was a caretaker and since we had an adult/child relationship, I would be tempted to allow him back into the house. That was a turning point for me and whenever I was tempted to cave into his manipulation of me I would play my counselor's words in my head over and over "Whatever you do, don't cave". This gave me some kind of strength without showing any emotion. Surround yourself with healthy people who love you and want the best for you even if it is to repair your marriage. Put yourself first because you matter. Listen to people like your minister.
"After meeting with my minister shortly over 2 months ago, he gave it to me straight, "that my husband didn't love me and was using me to do all of his stuff that he didn't want to do nor knew how to do". He prayed with me that I would be able to see the truth in all of this and separate because God didn't want any of his people to be abused emotionally and feel worthless"
Brenda
Not just the ADHD
Submitted by Mrs.Campbell on
I'm sorry I can't get through all the comments as I tend to get too eager to respond to all of them. I just wanted to add that while ADHD is probably playing huge role in your lives, it seems to me that he is self-medicating (addicted) to sex and porn, etc. Addiction can run wild and take control over an ADHD mind so easily, it's no wonder that a huge percentage of addicts have untreated, unresolved issues with ADHD...
Addiction can be treated! However, sex addiction can be difficult to overcome with relapses to be expected, because like food addiction, you still "need" to have sex for a healthy marriage, just as you still need food to survive! If you can possibly get your head in the right place (and I can't say that I would be able to, so no worries if you just can't find it in your heart at this point), see if you can't look at it as an illness, as a true addiction really is...
My husband is a crack addict (going on 3 years clean) and he told me that many of his friends in treatment also had sex addictions. I pray that it never infiltrates our marriage! My husband also has undiagnosed/untreated (although heavily couselled) ADHD, but can't take the stimulant medications because of his history of drug abuse. He does currently take Wellbutrin with a lot of successes in treating his moodiness ;o) Medications that help increase dopamine also are known for reducing "cravings" (and forbidden sex does create a "high") ... by the way I'm not a professional, though I have studied mental disorders for some time both on my own and as part of a college program.
Perhaps if your husband can also agree that it is out of HIS control, would he be willing to seek treatment?? I would doubt that he feels no guilt whatsoever, but is possibly defensive or annoyed by what he doesn't understand himself.
I view love this way. If your husband says he loves you, then believe him. BUT, that being said...we can't always live with people we love when they don't have the ability to treat us with love and respect. If you do decide it is time to end your marriage, I have no doubt that you would continue to love him forever in your own way, but maybe what he needs in life is to lose something big. Maybe that will be the shock he needs to realize that 1. He does have a problem and...2. The problem isn't you.
I do hope you find some peace of mind and can at least try to see it as an addiction. It must be the hardest addiction that a wife could ever face, but you seem like a very strong-hearted woman to have made it this far...perhaps it's not over yet...but only you will know just how much more you can take.
God Bless. My heart goes out to you...
Thank you for your support
Submitted by clover1 on
Thank you for your support and advice, I truly appreciate it. My husband is still going to his SA group at church and has recently been joining me at bible study one night a week at our church. He seems to be doing better, but I still don't trust him. He also has yet to take on more responsibility with household things such as bills, taxes, picking up after himself or taking initiative to do things without my asking. Sometimes I think he's getting better and then sometimes I think he just doesn't care. He is taking the Wellbutrin and Concerta and seems to be a little better focused. He has changed, but I believe he hasn't changed his inner being. He is getting closer to God, thank God, but I think he's struggling with past behaviors or even thoughts for that matter. It's almost like the old him is still inside of him and comes out once in a while. I truly believe that until he fully surrenders himself to become a new creature in God, the old him will never go away. He gets very upset when I bring up anything that I think he's doing wrong--he gets defensive and then starts to shut down. If I can't speak the truth, than how can we make it. I just don'g know. What I do know is that he is having a hard time accepting who he was, who he became and who he is. I need him to support me better emotionally and truly try to understand what I'm going through--what if the situation was opposite? I don't think he'd be as forgiving. Thanks again for your help...........Clover