I suppose that I just need to accept that my husband is not going to seek any outside advice wrt his ADD. He has a short temper and tantrums like a baby when he is tired. For example, tonight he said that he was going to cook dinner. There was no paprika, which he needed for the dish he wanted to make, so with passive-aggressive tactics he let me know what a failure of a spouse I was and how I couldn't do anything right. I am home all day while he is working--- not by my choice, longer story there--- and he expects me to do all the things that he doesn't want to do. And I'm just supposed to figure out what he expects me to do because he will never sit down and have a calm conversation about who is going to do what. Sometimes we do make "deals" and if I can't keep up my end of the deal it is the end of the world and I am subjected to a poisonous tirade. However, if he doesn't keep up his end of the deal he expects me to accommodate... that is, do whatever it is that he doesn't want to do.
How much of this is due to ADD and how much is terminal immaturity, who knows. But I am tired of living with it and looking forward to getting enough money together to separate in a few years. Our daughter will be old enough to handle it, I hope, and as she matures she is increasingly understanding how unreasonable he is.
Just writing about this has really helped.
I have had this experience
Submitted by kathy1208 on
I have had this experience with my husband. He is like jekyll and hyde - can be sweet and warm and whatever but man if you catch him in a mood he can have a meltdown/tantrum over the dumbest thing.
How do you react to him when he acts unfavorably? I used to react. Say It upset me, justify my position, etc. I got to the point where I didnt even make it appear deliberate - I just quietly dropped everything, turned, and left the room. Basically it was like, you overreact over nothing and project it on ME, you get INSTANT cold shoulder. If were in a car or somewhere together where I cant walk away, I just shut down all the same, maybe just look at him and smile like I am deaf and dumb and have no idea what is going on and like i am not hearing or comprehending the situation. Basically, When he behaves like a child, I act like he is invisible like you would a screaming tantrum throwing toddler....and NOTHING has worked as well as that.
I have to tell you the first couple of years we wer together I was in law school at night and I would let those things ruin my already fragile and stressed mood and i couldnt help but to recat to his tantrums....every. single. time. But, one night a couple years in I had just had enough and had the courage to not let my disappointment in the situation cause me to react....so the very first time that he ever acted that way and I left the room he at first didnt realized i walked out of the room and had lierally LEFT and gone to the bedroom but once I did, he seemed to get more pissy, and the next morning he accused me of "punishing him" (which is funny bc any time hes angry like that and i WANT attention he acts like he has none to offer)
It took me a LOT of patience but i looked at him calmly like i wasnt the least bit mad, and said, "honey i promise you i wasnt mad (i was) and i wasnt punishing you (thats the truth) and i wasnt trying to prove a point....I just get stressed when your mad and i think the best way for me to not feed off your stress is to go be alone for awhile." I then promised if he ever needed the same that id give it to him and have stuck to it.
One time this all happened when we were driving to the mall. it was mall, then grocery. I dont know why but he was a TERROR from the moment we left the driveway, to the mall, the store (where HE had something to pick up), back to the lot, the drive toward the grocery, which we had to pass by our house to get to. I just kept it all in and said nothing and pulled into our drive....and he goes...wait you forgot to go to the grocery! I said "no honey, I didnt. I am just dropping you off first." "Why?" "Because youve been anrgy all night so I think I will shop alone for awhile if you dont mind." he goes "Whatever!!!" and shuts the door and sulks inside. I was upset by all of it SO MUCh but i ignored. By the time I gto home from the grocery he was in the jolliest damn mood. I guarantee you if i had reacts negatively to that behavio,r kept him with me, the grocery trip wouldve been terrible and it wouldve been even worse for both of us by the time we got home.
So yeah, hopefully this helps. Separate yourself - ignore and dont feed that sort of behavior, but do it in a loving way even if in reality you are furious and are ready to smack him. The worst that could happen is that he never changes his behavior but over time you can learn to not let his stupidity bring you down with him.....and best that can happen is at least some of the time (like my husband after the grocery) your denying him attention and acknolwedgment will calm him down enough to see for himself how harsh he is acting.
Kathy1208 has a good method, I think.
Submitted by Standing on
Although it's not personally satisfying and has often required an extra 1/2 of my blood pressure med on my part, not showing anger or upset has been the best method for me.
Due to my own fear of confrontation, I used to shut down and give him the cold shoulder. Finally, I outgrew that method and began addressing his ridiculous outburts. Well, that did no good at all; in fact, made it worse. So now I do just what Kathy said... I use loving, sweet words to enforce a boundary between me and his anger (most of the time.)
I've read that add will pick a fight in order to pump up the brain chemicals. Seems quite true to me. But he will have to battle with himself, because I have had enough of participating in this nonsense.
I am praying for the day, and looking forward with great anticipation to it!! when I no longer FEEL the upset. Not sure that will ever happen as long as we are still married, but at least I'm not hopelessly entangled in his whirlwind any more.
Good luck and best wishes!
Kathy 1208 & Standing,
Submitted by OccupyLove on
Kathy 1208 & Standing,
I have tried a gazillion responses to his tantrums. My gut response is cold shoulder to protect myself. Of course that is not effective because it is all about him and my behavior is ALWAYS a commentary on him. I, too, have landed on your recommendation, "ignore, SWEETLY". The problem is that I am doing all of the emotional work and I can't always hold it together. I'll continue to "ignore, SWEETLY" but I do lose it sometimes and then there is no lid on the dynamic because he certainly isn't capable of it. I did remove myself yesterday evening and still felt sad but it totally helped to write here. And when it was time for bed I was calm and collected and genuinely able to wish him a good night.
So, I can't do it by myself. If he were getting help instead of just relying on himself to work on it, I could forgive more easily. But his refusal to seek professional help, with the exception of a psychiatrist who prescribes Adderall and amphetamines for him, is a deal breaker. This has been so tough on me that I have been clenching my jaw and grinding at night which has resulted in neck pain and a broken tooth that I had to have pulled. That's too much for me.
Oh, but a BIG, HUGE, THANK YOU!!!
Submitted by OccupyLove on
Kathy1028 & Standing,
Means so much that you wrote back. :) :) :) !!!
<3,
CatSuE
CatSue, i regularly fail to hold it all together!
Submitted by Standing on
But we are not trying to become like robots, right? :) One thing that i have identified as crucial for myself is that i want to keep all of the emotions active... Including anger!
It's a neat trick to practice being angry and rightly so, expressing that clearly, then moving on (especially in the full knowledge and awareness that my spouse is likely to do the very same thing again!) Of course, we will not always succeed and that is okay! Maybe as we offer more grace to ourselves, we will have more of it for others? Intuitively, i know this to be true. and for a reformed perfectionistic avoidant like me, that is a leap forward. Lol. I need a bridge! This place is my bridge. I am so glad you are here, Kat.
Kat,
Submitted by OccupyLove on
Kat,
Oh, yes, grace and a bridge, beautiful.
So glad that you are here as well.
As for the holding in anger, right, no good at all. I am working with my grinding/clench problem from any direction at all. One friend recommended John E Sarno, "Heal Your Back Pain" by working with your repressed anger. I bet it will help, although I am not repressing my anger because I am so completely aware of it. I am not expressing it, so it is suppressed, but it is most certainly acknowledged! But I am sure that repressed/suppressed/whatever doesn't matter.
Bye bye,
CatSuE
Tension
Submitted by Standing on
Yep, I thought that my anger and stress were suppressed, rather than repressed, and then my neck locked up so thoroughly that I had to seek chiropractic help.
I mentioned my jaw tension to the chiropracter, who showed me the pressure points at the ear-end of the jawbone. Press in, up, and back. This helps!
The jaw clenching is getting worse again over the past week or so. I recognize that this is because my counselor is out of town for awhile and so I have not had that outlet for pressure relief. I'm trying to become more aware of it in order to remember to consciously relax my jaw periodically through the day, and especially at night.
One thing for which I have not yet fouHInd a solution is the twitch or tic in my right eye. Each time I am called upon to explain or discuss anything related to my husband, like at work - face to face - I feel that twitching begin. I don't think it is visible, but is very noticeable to me! So now my response is simply: "You will have to ask HIM."
The book you mentioned sounds interesting! Hope you'll give a review here if you read it :) Thanks!
Clenching and Grinding
Submitted by OccupyLove on
Standing,
Yes! My neck is so sore and the range of motion is limited because I have been so tense. (It all started this past February when my husband had a single-car accident and badly broke his ankle and heel.) I started doing yoga again but that has not been enough. I saw a chiropractor a few times but it didn't seem to have any lasting effect. I learned that SNRIs and SSRIs exacerbate bruxism (tooth grinding) in some people so I talked to the psychiatrist who prescribes my antidepressant (Cymbalta). She gave me a prescription for Tramadol to see if using it for a month can break the night time grinding habit. I think that it is helping. I am also trying to be constantly aware of my posture and tongue and jaw positions at all times. Tomorrow I see my chiropractor again, thinking that it might be worthwhile in conjunction with the Tramadol. It's time to pull out all the stops and try everything! Someone suggested Structural Integration Therapy and I am going to read some about that soon to see if it might be worth the money. My turn still hasn't come up at the library for Sarno's book but I certainly will let you know when I get a chance to work with it.
I read some of your other posts, Kat, and your husband sounds a lot like mine. Does your husband work on his ADHD issues? Does he take meds or go to therapy or?
Hope you have a relaxing evening!!!
My behavior is also a commentary on him.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
,,,<<<<< have tried a gazillion responses to his tantrums. My gut response is cold shoulder to protect myself. Of course that is not effective because it is all about him and my behavior is ALWAYS a commentary on him. I, too, have landed on your recommendation, "ignore, SWEETLY". >>>
yes, and this drives me crazy. If he's in a bad mood, and if I don't respond with sympathy and apologies, then (in his head) I am trying to frustrate him. He was painting the other day and swearing as he painted. I was working on another area of our business. When he was unhappy with the results of his painting (drips, spots on the floor, etc), he began yelling at me saying it was all my fault because I hadn't helped him. He never asked for help. I didn't know he needed help. Frankly, when he's swearing and stuff, I don't want to be around him. But he insists that I didn't help him in order to "frustrate" him. No. I didn't know he wanted help, other than the few things he asked for, which I did do (helped him tape off stuff and helped cover stuff).
A couple days ago he mentioned that his home phone charger wasn't working. BUT....does he go to the store and get another? no. Does he ask me to get him one? no. BUT....yesterday he yelled at me for not going to get him one. Why didn't he get one himself the many times he was out and about????
Great advice
Submitted by Strawberries@3 on
I have done this before and it has worked for me as well. Just hard to do if you have children with you. I do find myself just walking away or shutting down completely and that seems to calm him down most of the time, not always... Thanks for reminding me about this strategy. Anything helps when you are living with someone who acts like jekyll and hyde and a spoiled child. You never know who you are going to get.