My wife called me to tell me she wanted us to take on a project I want go into the specifics, but just let me say it was people related, and would definitely call for commitment of time and energy. So as she is relaying all her desires and expectations for me, to me. I couldn't help but think, her we go again....Anyway, I declined, she wasn't very happy about it...So, I would like to run it by you guys...This is my note to her concerning this incident and my request to her about future endeavor she wants us to take on.
In the future when you decide to take on a project/task for us. When you share your idea's with me concerning it. I would appreciate it if you would start off by telling me how you intend to work, support, and be responsible to the endeavor. Verses starting off like you did by telling me what your expectations are for me. I will be glad to respond to you with my thoughts and feeling regarding your project at that time.
Does this sound reasonable?
Some thoughts
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
C UR Self,
My guess - (please keep in mind that I am new at addressing my own Parent/Child behaviors) - is your note comes across like a reprimand of a parent to a child.
And, at this point in my own behavioral changes - I have no idea how to approach it.
The best I can do for my own self is refrain from saying the wrong thing. I am working on learning how to say the correct thing.
It IS complicated. I would just be apologizing that my own time restraints would prevent me from fulfilling my part of Plan A.
Liz
Did she already commit?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
curself, Did your wife already commit to the job? That's something my husband usually would do. He takes on jobs without consulting me most of the time, and they most always take time away from us as a couple and don't pay enough to warrant the hours and money it takes to fund each project. The latest one was a movie job where he had to write the music for an independent movie. He was SO EXCITED that he might become "famous" or get more work out of this, but the project took over 10 years to complete. The movie was almost "guaranteed" to sell, but lately the tide changed and no one is buying independent movies,so there goes ten years, over ten thousand dollars in equipment and YEARS and hundreds and hundreds of hours put into this project.......only now to get nothing back. How I wish we had those years back, so we could have done our OWN music that's been sitting on shelves since we were first married. He kept promising me that "I'll help you with, right after..........then fill in the blank". There is always another project somewhere that's going to give him that "feeling" of accomplishment that always seems to allude him.
I know you would like your wife to give you a "plan" for doing things, but I don't know if they CAN plan things out like that. Their excitement ABOUT the project seems to overrule the actual "planning" of whatever project comes along. And, it's more like, "I'll do it as I go along", sort of thing. Know what I mean? I'm not sure what to tell you other than that, but I wish you guys well.
It was about adopting an
Submitted by c ur self on
It was about adopting an international college student as kind of surrogate parents/ friends to bring into our home and get to know...Yes, dede...after I told her I didn't think it wise for us, she of course, said she had already spoke positive to the lady about it...It's not that it's not a worth while endeavor...It's just that my wife will start something like this and I am left doing all the work or most of it....Our life before the separation was me parenting, and working myself to death, while she was Mrs.Free Bird....LOL....Now there has to be accountability for any sanity to exist...So, after learning the hard way...I now realize regardless if she can see it or not, it doesn't make it any less real for us the spouses!...I know many of you are with me on that statement....lol....But, I don't want to go the other way, and not show the love and respect she deserves...But, "ONLY she can fulfill her responsibilities in life, to me, to her job, and to anything she commits to"...Just like the rest of us:) So, no more enabling for me...If I can be wise enough to see it coming....
Thank you Ladies for reply's....
Reasonable?
Submitted by sunlight on
I don't think so. I agree with ISE, it sounds like a reprimand and one from a person who wants to score points and ammunition for later ("I did warn you about your conduct"). Heck I would screw it up and throw it in the bin even without ADHD. She has a brain disorder, if she was the same as my husband (I don't know) she would be thoroughly confused about the formal tone and ready to act as though she'd just been slapped.
c ur self, my husband would take it as Sunlight describes -
Submitted by Standing on
Thanks Standing
Submitted by c ur self on
I put the statement in the shredder...And when I told her we could do it, if she was willing to do half the house work in preparation, and half the cooking and half the cleaning afterward etc...She didn't seemed to be interested any longer....Thanks ladies, I appreciate y'alls input...Our past and the way she lives her life is tough on me....Don't want to be a Butt hole....Just don't want to be taken advantage of either, If I can detour it....Blessings!
I'm with ya, brother
Submitted by Standing on
Hi...Sunlight....
Submitted by c ur self on
Two things, I appreciate your honesty that is why I asked....Secondly, my wife lives quiet self absorbed, with a desire for co-dependency. She works 8 days 10 hour shifts ( not because she has to, because she has another life, she can't give up as for as responsibilities go, an empty house, storage bills, etc...hopefully you get the picture....She gets home from work around midnight, and watches TV, while the adderall wears off...I usually hear her climb in bed around 3 am...she sleeps until 12:10 or so, jumps up and leaves....When she gets to her 6 days off, she wants to continue to sleep, visit, out of town family, and any other thing she finds interesting, always linked to fun and thrills, never responsibilities...That's my job lol...So, because she has a brain disorder, and is an adult who's life style I respect, it's her life no matter where it lead her...I do not try to control or seek for her to do anything different....But, I will not let a person who lives like she does run out and take on responsibilities and added work because she thinks it will be fun for her, and good ole hubby to fall back on for all the work....
So this statement you say needs softened up...Thanks sunlight, looking for accountability not ammunition....
The note
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi c ur self
I do see what you're trying to do with the note and yes, when you say 'softened up' I think that's what I meant. It occurred to me afterwards that it might offer her ammunition too (sometime later she might wave it in front of you in an argument) - even with ADHD she might not have forgotten it :) Best of luck to you.