Oiy. Holding the responsibility for holding the financial bag has got to end. Somehow. Wisely. With out stupidity on my part. But with a firmly laid out plan THAT I WILL FOLLOW TO EXTRICATE MYSELF FROM THIS BONDAGE.
My spouse just called from Wal-Mart. He had gotten an RCA tablet for his birthday last month. As a gift. About $150.00. A few days ago the power switch stopped working. I called RCA. They will replace it if we pay the shipping to return it. So, we thought we would first try taking it back to Wal-Mart.
They only accept returns and exchanges on "computers" for 15 days from the date of purchase. Even though it is defective, they will give us the full purchase price towards an "upgrade."
So my spouse called to see if we "have room in the budget" for an upgrade to a $379.00 tablet.
I spun it quite poorly. He asked, "Do we have room in the budget?" I said we do not have a budget. (Thinking, I have tried so many times to get him to agree to work with a budget.) He asked if we have the extra money? I said not really, we do not. (Thinking, we are majorly in debt, and we just had our 2012 tax payment planned canceled because we didn't pay 2013 taxes on time. And we have 2 laptops. That work.) He said, "Will we in the near future? (I am thinking, 'Oh, oh. Here we go. Liz, think, think, think, before you speak.') So I said - the wrong thing. I mentioned he had gotten a Father's Day gift of $100 to put towards the purchase of a tablet. (Thinking, he spent it on something else, even though our daughter and son-in-law clearly stipulated it was earmarked for a tablet. Then they purchased a tablet for him as a gift for his birthday.) He responded, "My darling, I gave that money to you to spend at the flea market this summer."
Boy, I walked right into that. Now I am squirming because I thought he had given me a gift of some random cash he had gotten.
So, I should have taken the 'gift' this summer, and myself made a choice to pay it towards our debt.
And I walked right into a pile of crap that it is extremely difficult - actually impossible - to gracefully back away from.
Rats. I bungled that one.
Liz
alleged gifts
Submitted by Standing on
I can relate to this, Liz... both the event and the resulting sense of having bungled.
I am also the bookkeeper for his business.
And i am the one who's always put the cash gifts from his mom toward bills.
I'm working toward changing all that, too. I have stopped printing financial reports because the bottom line is meaningless to him, irrelevant. The only thing that will catch his attention is the transactions that don't clear one day, due to lack of oversight.
I have no solutions, other than to allow natural consequences to occur. I've been deeply impacted by my counselor's statement that I am my husband's rock. There was a day that would have meant the world to me, but now that i grasp the full implications, it's a millstone around my neck.
Here is what I'd like to announce at the next staff meeting: This rock has rolled. I am downgrading myself to the position of data entry/clerical. No more warnings or advisories will be issued from my desk. I have enough to tend with keeping the household functional.
Can't muzzle the cfo and expect her to fulfill her duties.
i hereby swallow my pride and my false sense of servitude and freely admit that it is beyond my capabilities to manage the unmanageable. No decision to be made, really.. It is simply a fact.
It really is beyond my capabilities
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
I, too, cannot manage these finances. I concur that at my end, it, too, is simply a fact.
Liz
miracle workers and magicians
Submitted by Standing on
Watch where you step
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
I have a shotgun from my Dad. He let each of his children choose one of his guns. I bought a wood shelf to hang it on the wall. I don't hunt, or shoot much either - but I love this piece of my Dad.
So he (my spouse) looked at me, wearing his "sincere adult " mask and asks me, "Are there any special rules you would like in place about the gun, like who can use it, or who can borrow it?" I responded by saying it was a piece of my Dad, a part of his history, and it would probably just hang on the wall. Plus, I can't imagine lending it because who would want to borrow it anyway?. But I was thinking it was nice for him to ask. . . . .
And then my spouse spun around and started to rant at me about how our RV is a part of his parents and just like I wouldn't want HIM to lend my Dad's gun to anyone, that is how he felt about ME lending the RV, and on and on and on. and then said, "And don't go telling me its not the same thing, because IT IS."
I felt like I was a big ol fool and stepped right into a bear trap.
Sigh. I feel so disconcerted about this, because I see his pain, and frustration, and how tightly he is wound up in his own stuff, and I can't understand, nor help, nor fix, nor explain.
I look at myself. I would like to be heard and understood. Not yelled at and intimidated and told how to feel and "how it is." Period.
This is not OK. By any means. Each day I hope will be an enlightenment to the fact that he ain't asking for help, he believes he is correct, and all I can choose to do is focus on my own behavior and my own joy. And taking step by step to get further and further away from his erratic behavior.
Liz
Best case scenario
Submitted by Standing on
Liz, I have scars from that trap, baited differently, with a similar result.
I have failed to see a potential for positive outcome for me. I give up. I would rather flip burgers than to expose myself to any more lies and rationalizations and warped re-writings of history. I am convinced that my husband is pleased with the identity he has created for himself. And he already has his line prepped for when he fails... he can rest easy, knowing that tried. He is a veritable encyclopedia of false analogies and pat excuses. He is ready to give me anything to stay In His Business. "We can still pay you the same amount, and we'll hire a bookkeeper.." It's as though he thinks i am his lucky charm or something. Funny, not so long ago, i was Cruella. heartlessly unsupportive and in need of a psych eval. I wonder who i might be tomorrow. O wait, I already know. Useless.
Spotted or striped, the big cats hunt their prey. Sometimes they toy with it first, but they always kill.
Remember the sweet story about the mouse that removed the thorn from the lion's paw? Uh, nope, not happening here. I was not put on this earth to be anybody's receptacle, not for flattery or for abuse. And i don't believe this is even about add or maladaptive coping strategies, it's plain old fashioned bullying and manipulation.
You have suffered pain and struggles and loss. Would you ever, ever treat someone the way you have been treated? I would not. 'nuf said.
What I am thinking this AM
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"Sometimes you have to forget what you want, to remember what you deserve." ~unknown~
"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough." ~unknown~
What I believe about relationships:
1. You take responsibility for your feelings rather than expecting your partner to make you happy.
Do you:
Get angry, attack and blame, withdraw or find other ways to punish your partner?
Try harder to please your partner, giving yourself up?
Shut down and get depressed?
Turn to various addictions to fill the emptiness?
Have an affair?
The major way you can begin to heal your relationship is to learn how to love yourself — how to take loving care of your own feelings. Sharing love heals. Trying to get love destroys.
2. You show kindness, caring, and compassion toward your partner more often than you show judgment.
3. You try to learn instead of control.
Conflict gets lovingly resolved when both partners are intent on learning about themselves and each other. Conflicts often remain unresolved when one or both partners are intent on controlling.
4. You prioritize spending time with each other rather than always "getting things done."
5. You choose gratitude rather than complaining.
Someone else's words, that are resonating in my soul today.
Liz
The high road
Submitted by Standing on
I believe all of those things about relationships, Liz.
I believe that I will continue to walk them out, once free of this 24/7 influence of unreality and chaos.
I believe that my heart is right. Right and done trying to turn itself inside out to stop beating evenly in order to match someone else's rhythm.
I believe that God makes all things new again and that it is His goodness which turns folks to repentance. I repent. I make a deliberate 360 degree turn away from placing more value on becoming who my husband thinks he needs me to be rather than the person God made me to be.
I have never expected my husband to make me happy. My twist was - I expected that I could make HIM "happy" and then I would feel fulfilled. Not my job. I missed the boat. But I think I see a small plane flying in.
Yep, yep, yep!!!!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"I have never expected my husband to make me happy. My twist was - I expected that I could make HIM "happy" and then I would feel fulfilled. Not my job. I missed the boat. But I think I see a small plane flying in."
Well put!!!
Liz