Submitted by Bunkiegal on 10/10/2014.
What can you do when your ADHD partner refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him and that it is everyone else who has the problem? He agreed to go for an evaluation and was told he may or may not have ADHD based on a test he did on a computer. The therapist said he could not prescribe any meds even if he did have ADHD because he has an alcohol dependency problem. A catch 22! Now we are back to square one. When I mention ADHD, he just says, "I thought we already covered this...there's no problem." Any advice for an ADHD denier?
This is the place most of us are at.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You've asked the 20 million $ question...
You can't do anything for someone who is fine, except respect that they are fine. You can't do anything for someone who say's there is no problem, but respect that they view their life as being problem free....If you refuse to accept their reality you disrespect them and their rights as an individual.
Ever man written book about add/adhd is a document built from real life experiences and/or the study and observation of, and in some cases clinical trails of those willing to be interviewed and or studied. People who's reality is I'm not fine or there is a problem.
So the only hope for those of us who's spouses children, and family or fine! Is for them to awaken from their sleep!...And say there has to be a better way!
The only impact you or I will ever have on them is when they see us fine. When they see us living a life of peace, so my suggestion for you is the same I have taken for myself, set up some boundaries, focus on yourself...And be fine!
We will either focus on our lives, and pursue peace for ourselves, Or, we will continue into the pits of hell trying to change someone who is already fine?
Right ON
Submitted by kellyj on
as in right on the money c ur self. And just maybe you will set the example for them to follow you away from hell and into your peace. I think you said it very well indeed.
There is always that chance but it is not contingent on them that they do.....in fact, it is not contingent on anything or anyone else for that matter.
Is that being a leader? I think it is.
J
Denial here too
Submitted by maryo on
I need to hear more along the lines of what you're saying c ur self.
In this long, confusing journey of figuring out my husband most likely has ADD and realizing how it's impacted our lives (e.g., I do almost all of the house maintenance), I have even more slowly been figuring out how to protect myself from it and enjoy him. He will not go to the doctor about this although he once took Concerta for a month and admitted that there was remarkable improvement (I agree!), but due to constipation he stopped and that was that. Now he has back pedaled into full denial, to the point that he recently said that I "love to make shit up."
I hate seeing that side of my husband. He is in most ways for kind and also very patient with me (although he's impatient with boring tasks and tends to skip steps and make messes, not finish, or screw up the project). Since there is no seeing a counselor together about ADD, and seeing a counselor together never yielded any results (no follow through on his part, and he had poor memory of what was discussed), I simply have to focus on making my life the best it can be, and trying to avoid the kinds of situations where I get frustrated with him.
Thus recently I have had to tell my sailboat loving husband that I can no longer be his sailing partner. His ADD on the boat really concerns me, and I've held on as long as I can but no longer am willing to endure the types of situations that his ADD presents around boat matters. It's partly frustration and partly concern about safety.
Would love to hear more about how we spouses take care of ourselves . . . and BTW I have some ADD myself but have developed a lot of skills to compensate. Funny story . . . my husband told a friend that his first wife was "volatile." I completely understand why!! She's actually a very nice woman and I'm sure just about went out of her mind raising three kids and, well, being married to this very ADD man.
Good Morning Maryo...Your basically there!
Submitted by c ur self on
(Now he has back pedaled into full denial, to the point that he recently said that I "love to make shit up.")
(I hate seeing that side of my husband)
(I have even more slowly been figuring out how to protect myself from it and enjoy him.)
I copied 3 key statements from your post....Now let me ask you one question; What is the biggest threat to your emotional well being?
I have found out in more depth the thing I really already new, but, had no power to control the direction I was taking (my mind) so I headed off down the road of illusion; thinking I could (and can, still battle it daily) make something positive happen by verbally confronting every behavior I don't agree with...They don't see what we see; So you get these kind of comments back...You're just making up shit!....And, in their minds we are....It's not about right or wrong...It's about two separate realities....
The amount you let your husbands living of life dictate your thoughts; is the amount of hells you will experience. The more you look within you, and deal with your heart, the more freedom and peace you will experience...
Our wedding Vow's and marriage covenants aren't laced with statements such as no hoarding and messes allowed; no anger ever; you must think like me....Just the simple for better or worse etc...until death we do part:)
So the more you and I can accept our spouses; ( acceptance is not agreement) and just say OK, this person I'm One with does not think or live life like me; and in many cases on the spectrum of life; we are far far apart...So without focusing on my self, (self awareness) I will always get frustrated when I place an expectation on her to remember things, be neat, be timely, think before speaking etc....So I have to ask myself; am I going to let her actions dominate my thoughts? Or, just do what your third statement says above....Look for ways I can just love her; without wading into chaos or turning a blind eye to what in my heart I feel is unwise ?
Also, we are not Angels; (at least I'm not) When your husband is having some kind of negative reaction; regardless of his adhd...You owe it to yourself, him and the marriage to ask yourself....What role did I just play in his action or reaction? Because many time if I can find the humility to look deep into the heart of c ur self...I will find some pride and selfishness that isn't promoting acceptance...Just the opposite....Never assume he see's, feels, or understands your view of life; What you see is what you get w/ us humans...Blessings Mary....
One other thing that helps me with this is, something a marriage counselor told me....I'm not responsible for one though or deed of my wife's....But, I am responsible for my thoughts and deeds...And to be a faithful loving husband w/ out excuse:)
I will pray for you and your husband:)
C
They don't see what we see; So you get these kind of comments..
Submitted by kellyj on
back...You're just making up shit!
This last weekend....my wife and I met with another couple (me for the first time) and the wife has ADHD. We spent some time together playing shuffle board and eating in a local hang out and then went home. My wife said that the woman commented to her while they were talking that " Oh yeah....I see his ADHD." And I told my wife the same thing...."Oh yeah......takes one to know one." lol We can see it maybe better than you....just not in ourselves while were are doing what we do. That's the problem. Of course...neither one of us ( our friend and I ) are in denial and we are very aware of what it is that we are seeing. The other problem for someone in denial is that when they meet someone else like them....it only confirms how normal they are.
"See...other people are like me and that's normal." Not so much!! It just seems normal because that's all you know."
Too bad they don't have an ADHD center for people who have can go and just sit and watch other people with ADHD interact and do what they do so you can go "SEE!!!.....this is what I'm talking about!!" lol
J
I was just thinking that the other Day J
Submitted by c ur self on
(It just seems normal because that's all you know.") ...This is the message I was trying to relay; when I use the word...See...Probably should have said comprehend:)..Thank's J.
(Too bad they don't have an ADHD center for people who have can go and just sit and watch other people with ADHD interact and do what they do so you can go "SEE!!!.....this is what I'm talking about!!" lol)
Come to my House:)
I was thinking this a few days ago...I would love for You and adhdMomof2 and a couple more to just spend some time in a relaxed setting with my wife and youngest daughter present...I could just serve drinks snacks and try to keep things orderly, cause there is no way in H I would get say anything;) LOL.....
C
I Think I Should Be an ADHD Coach C
Submitted by kellyj on
I could sit in your living room with your wife and spot everything she does and say so to her face if she was willing to listen. Nothing would get by me for a second.....I could call her on everything and it would probably drive her crazy!!
If only huh?
J
You wouldn't last long...LOL...
Submitted by c ur self on
And because of Denial...I would have to here all about your problems when you left...LOL...LOL....
Ouch!!
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto lol
J
Submitted by c ur self on
Seriously I think what you said earlier has merit...No one can really understand someone like someone who speaks their own language....Do you know how many people live in denial, just because they feel like their broken and to hopeless ot try and do any different? It's sad friend....
C
The therapist said he could not prescribe any meds even if he di
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<< The therapist said he could not prescribe any meds even if he did have ADHD because he has an alcohol dependency problem.<<<
While it's true that some Rx's cant or shouldn't be used by alcoholics, there are some that must be ok.
I think the tranquilizers can't' be used because alcohol makes them "more potent" in a way that can lead to explosive outbursts, black outs, etc. The sum is greater than the two parts.
I would find out if there are any meds that are ok for those with drinking issues.