I have no idea what to do. The more I am looking at this site, the more that I feel that this is what is going on in my life. I have been with my husband for almost 16 years, and I the last 6 have been incredibly rough. Two months ago, I left, and took the kids with me. We had been trying to go to marriage counseling, and I found the more that we talked, the worse I felt, the more disappointed, more hurt. I feel like I have bent over backwards to try and make the marriage work, and that I have been the only one trying. I feel like he doesn’t get it, and that he is just someone else for me to look after.
Nothing has changed with him since I have left. He is still carrying on as though I was there, and the sad thing is that things aren’t any different for me either. I felt like a single parent then, and now I truly am one. He drives me crazy because he doesn’t seem to listen even now. I said that I would be home, or we made arrangements to drop off the girls, and he shows up early, or without notice, and I find myself getting very tense when he is around. Another concern is that he went ahead and had a vasectomy despite my qualms about possibly wanting more children. We had discussed it, and when I talke to him later, and ask that we wait some more, he decided that he didn't want more children and so proceeded with the procedure anyway, not thinking about my feelings or even discussing it.
As other things begin to settle into a normal routine, I find that I am missing him. I miss him as a friend; a person to hang out with, and as a lover, but that there is too much other stuff between us. He is a huge link to my past, and the father of my girls, and I don’t want to totally cut him out, but I feel too raw still.
The complication comes in that he has not received a diagnosis. It was suggested, briefly just before our last session with the marriage counselor that he may be ADD, and he has taken off with that idea. He has researched, and I have done some looking, but he is still waiting on paper work to get to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated.
As I continue to rediscover who I am, I keep wondering if there is something else that I should be doing for him, but then I get upset at myself because I know that I have become an enabler, and I need to stop this for my own sake. Like others that I have read on this site, my heart is hidden, hardened, as a way to protect myself. I am tired of being let down, frustrated, but I also don’t want to be alone. We said our marriage vows, and I feel like he is letting his go, and that I have been living in what I thought was what I wanted. It seems as though I was more concerned about not succumbing to the statistic, 50% of marriages fail, and so I stayed and tried, but I am so tired of carrying it alone.
I am just afraid that if I let him back in, even if/when he does eventually get a diagnosis, that I will get hurt again, and I don’t know if I can bear that. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore.
I just wanted to write with
Submitted by brooks30 on
I just wanted to write with an observation as to why you have most likely not received a reply.
At times we all come in here to vent and/or find answers. Unfortunately with you post, I think you are seeking someone to tell you what you need to do. What you do from here on out is your choice and your choice alone. Additionally, if there is not a diagnosis of ADHD, it will be hard to find a reply here. ADHD adds a whole new element to interpersonal relationships that, unless you have experienced youself, you can never know what that relationship is like.
You state that 50% of marriages end in divorce. This is true. It is also true that 50% of marriages that have an ADHD spouse end in divorce thus making the success rate that much harder.
I suggest you read around this forum to gain some insight. If you feel that your spouse is ADHD and want him to seek a diagnosis, then express that to him. At this point, that is pretty much all you can do. If he is not willing to try all that he can then how can you expect yourself to continue to do it all?