Hi.
My husband and I have had a few fights lately - the same ones we always have and then ignore for a few months. He says I don't listen to him but I really feel like I am listening.
He says the evidence that I am not listening is that I don't acknowledge what he is saying and just repeat the same things over and over again such as "I don't agree, I think x" or "I don't understand y."
He says he feels like he is talking to a wall and that I don't even know how to have a proper conversation and he obviously feels really hurt and frustrated but I don't know what to do about it.
I came up with some theories such as maybe I just can't process what is being said quickly enough or that I often don't realize that casual conversation has suddenly turned into something important until it is too late - but I don't know if those are even the real issue?
I am hurt too that he thinks I don't listen because to me I am trying very hard to listen. And listening and immediately providing the appropriate feedback are not necessarily the same skill? To me anyway?
I just really don't know what to do because in the moment I don't even know I am doing anything wrong.
It isn't until after it turns into a fight that I either think "this is obviously more important to him than me so I should apologize" or "I don't know why this is such a big deal but I still don't agree so I am just going to sleep it off."
Any advice? Resources? Similar situations?
Thanks!
Which of you...
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
Who has the ADHD?
Oh ha - I thought it would be
Submitted by primarily_inatt... on
Oh ha - I thought it would be clear from my name - "primarily_inattentive_wife" but my name got cut off. It is me.
Thanks
I read your post again and of
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I read your post again and of course it makes sense that you are the ADHD one - ha ha, I read every word the first time but I guess I wasn't really "listening" to you. That's my own ADHD, and I have exactly the same problem in trying to communicate to my wife. I sit and stare at her face and nod my head and whatnot but it seems the harder I try the less I hear, or so she says. It's a HUGE problem. Medication has helped me though. And also practicing being mindful, like putting down my book, stop cleaning garage, or whatever when she starts talking. I noticed when she REALLY gets mad is when I keep doing some awesomely stimulating activity while she is doing that Charlie Brown teacher noise or so it seems. I guess it's progress for me that I am no longer in denial about that - I used to lie and try to fake it when really all I could remember was blah blah dishwasher blah blah now don't forget blah blah. Keep trying, if he understands ADHD, is being patient, and knows that you are doing your best, you might be ok.
Conversations are difficult
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
primarily_inatt... ,
LOL. I am the non-ADHD member of our marriage. This sort of thing happened just this morning. I was watching an AM talk show from Cleveland, OH, with comedian Jeff Dunham.
I stated that I think his humor, with Achmed the Dead Terrorist, must work just the same way as Hogan's Heroes worked in the late 60s and early 70s. I don't know WHY it works, but it does. The German war and the terrorist attacks are grave issues - but somehow, we as human can laugh at the, maybe sarcastic, humorous aspect.
I had no political-intent what-so-ever. I cannot even tell you what my spouse said in response, but it ended with a question he posed to me. I started to formulate an answer . . . . . . but just laughed it off as said something like, "Oh, I was just sharing an observation on humor. Never mind."
This seemed to stir up something. My spouse got all frustrated, and said, "I don't know why whenever I add something to a conversation it makes you feel less." And he walked out of the room.
So I just choose to let it lie - -and hopefully die..... I did not feel "less", I just chose to avoid stepping into a pile of horse pucky.
My spouse has recently, within the last 8 years, became very interested in politics. And he has very strong opinions. Me, I do not enjoy political talk. So I do not engage.
What I know, deep inside, is something was 'bothering' him last night. We just get to know our spouse's posturing and body language, so I choose to just not get into anything - as these conversations blow up, he dumps a heap of anger/frustration on me, I end up feeling bad, and he - - - well he is released of his frustrations as he dumped them on me to carry for him.
So knowing this, I refuse to be a dumping ground.
This is the best I can do for today.
It is a good thing for me.
Liz
we are all different...
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
...but if it is any consolation, almost everytime I get pissy like your husband, it has nothing to do with my wife. Most of the time I am angry and upset with me and my ADHD frustrations, and it only seems like she is the target. Now I only wish I could think straight long enough to go apologize to her right away....