The unclear communication with an ADHD DH is just unbelievable. In the past week--listen to some of the things that went on. DH started a new job literally on Monday. Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday he was in California for training and then back home to start working Thursday and Friday. On Thursday he left for his job after I had already left, so I was long gone before he left. On Thursday night I asked him what time he had to leave for work on Friday. He tells me same time as this morning. BUT I wasn't home when he left, so how would I know that. So I asked him what time that was since I wasn't home and he says about 20 minutes after you. WHY for the love of PETE can you not just say "I left at 7:30". How many questions does a normal person have to ask to get a straight answer?? Earlier the last week I was asking him about a check that he had coming from a side job he had done a few weeks ago. It was being mailed to a contractor who was the GC on the job. We REALLY need that money and I asked if I could go pick up the check from the contractor if it came while he was out of town. He says sure. BUT it turns out the contractor is over an hour away and I don't have that kind of time to drive 2+ hours after work. That took a few days to be revealed. A few days later it comes out that this contractor often comes into our actual neighborhood to work and could bring the check with him. AGAIN...why not offer that information up right away? Why do I have to fish? So bizarre. DH accuses me often of withholding information from him when in reality he just isn't retaining the things I tell him. Perhaps it's punishment???
Today we went with our two kids to a German Christmas Market in our town. DH and younger son stood in the loooong line for a hot pretzel while older son and I went to look at one thing. And despite virtually all the vendors having signs posted CASH ONLY, I didn't realize DH had none so when he got to the top of the line and I wasn't back yet he had to step out of the line because he had no cash. WHY wouldn't he ask me for some cash before waiting in that endless line for 15+ minutes??? And then we go into a big department store to look for some gloves for him and DS and we get in the door and all three of them--hubby and both kids just stand there looking at me. How the heck do I know where anything is? Can no one else take the initiative to ask someone where the gloves are? Even as I type these things they sound silly and petty but I am just so tired of being the only one to think more than one step ahead. And now DH is mad at me for calling his attention to this stuff. He told me I overreacted to a small thing. No kidding. How many times have any of us with ADHD spouses been in a position where we had to cajole/tease/beg/plead the ADHD person to please not be grumpy, please don't ruin the outing/day. This has happened so many times in my family I cannot even count and the one time I get aggravated because no one but me can a) think to have cash at a cash only place or b) ask for directions in a big store, I am accused of making a big deal out of nothing. And tonight he got in the shower and went to bed without a word. So now I am punished. Seriously--ADHD or a**hole?? You be the judge.
I could be your husband.
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
If you are still reading the forum, I can help you understand some of this behavior - just post a question, I promise to answer it directly, lol
Please share your insights
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<< How many times have any of us with ADHD spouses been in a position where we had to cajole/tease/beg/plead the ADHD person to please not be grumpy, please don't ruin the outing/day. This has happened so many times in my family I cannot even count >>>
Why??? Why does this happen?
I can't tell you how many special occasions H has ruined. We can't count on him to behave well on vacations, either. And, when he does misbehave, he'll find some minor or made-up reason that WE caused him to do whatever he's done wrong.
I cannot count the # of times
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I cannot count the # of times to be honest. Here is something I figured out long before we knew he had ADD, he had signs of depression, anxiety and mood swings. So any special occasion be it from sending a birthday card to Christmas would cause stress and stress caused anger. I am the recipient of that anger in various forms. Unfortunately for years we stopped celebrating most everything. We don't give many gifts bec. of the stress of shopping. We don't send cards bec. of the stress of buying one and that they will be sent late....and they always are unless I do every part of it. I have slowly rebuilt this with my friends/family but let it go with anything involving him. If they inquire I apologize and say he opted not to participate, it is his decision. He has since told his family he has ADD so that alleviated some of the pressure also.
Some things that did work was lots of heads up, last minute events even such as going to dinner caused stress. So if I gave him a week lead time and that it was okay to back out (go on your own w/ out drama-emotion) we ended up going to about 50% of the activities. Something like a vacation or that required him to change his schedule would require a month at least. For us it seems that anything that impacts his mental agenda causes stress or anger or the grumpy man. Also the depression can cause the grumpy man. However if it is an activity or event he wants to attend there is no stress at all and his mood is just fine.
Example to think about; he is putting away laundry, he wants to. He goes to the kitchen to get coffee. An hour later he wants to nap but can't because he realizes he has to put away his laundry. Inside he probably beats up on himself and depending on his child hood this could be deep stuff. He knows he is grumpy but hasn't made an effort to deal with it. I try not to add to the grumpy but it is typical and not my issue so I diffuse when I can.
The blaming it on others is totally the norm for ADD, it is their perspective. It was only with the help of websites that my husband was able to tone this down a bit but it has really been hard on me in the long term.
We have also left dinners, noise polluted areas, crowded areas because it is just too much stimuli.
My therapist has determined
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
My therapist has determined that I cause trouble like this as a form of self-medication. Tension, arguing, etc is not fun, but it's better than boredom. I know, it's crazy. But I think he's right. So on days like this I take more adderall than usual and that really helps me to mellow out, keep my mouth shut, and generally be a pleasant guy to be with, lol.
That is a very good point.
Submitted by Emily1997 on
That is a very good point. My DH is a stuff pot stirrer on FaceBook and some social situations. I can hardly communicate without it becoming a debate. I wonder if this is a contributor. He also needs to say things 3x and needs about 3ooo words per day.
There must be something gained by the anger....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H will tell anyone and everyone that he "hates" arguing yet he instigates so much tension, anger, arguments. It is some kind of stress relief for him. He'll go on and on and on and on and on...raging and whining....and during that time he is "working out his stress" at least that is what I think he's doing. But, it's often not enough. Sometimes it is, but but too often it literally sends him to bed with depression.
Recently, a couple of H's friends have "told him off"...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
men don't usually tell each other off. But, recently, a couple of H's friends told him that they're sick of his excuses, whining, etc. This shocked H, made H very angry, but he didn't tell THEM any of this. I heard about it. Of course, he doesn't agree with them even tho I have often told him that he whines,. blames, and makes excuses way too frequently.
hates arguing too
Submitted by freyja on
Yes, what IS that? My H insists that he is peaceful and a people pleaser, but is constantly picking fights with me! and yes to the depression following because that just created more stress for him in reality.
My husband used to blow up
Submitted by Loglyn on
My husband used to blow up every time we were in Disney (which is his favorite place). He once left me and our daughter abandoned in the parking lot of a fun park with no money, cell phone and an hour from our hotel. On another occasion he left me parked in the car at a random resort while he took off into the magic kingdom for four hours! He made me cry at my best friends wedding where I was maid of honor right before entering the reception, my prom and in the hospital when our son was born. Our son was in nicu for 24 hours and he couldn't reach me personally by phone (there are no cell phones in the nicu but he could have called nursing station. Because he was somewhere else instead of by our side while our baby was sick and I was sleeping in a chair after being discharged recovering from a c-section. Sorry for the rant. This was a sore memory for me.
I can relate....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When we were on a "drive vacation," H got angry at our kids for being "too noisy" while in the car. He stopped the car at a small town (very small), we got out of the car, and before we knew it, H got back in and drove off....leaving me and our kids behind. He returned many hours later causing us to lose one day at our destination place.
And...H wonders why our kids don't like him. Today, out of NOWHERE, he began yelling at me and blaming me for his fractured relationship with our kids. And he blamed me for it. He now insists that I apologize and take all blame for his fractured relationship with our kids. He insists that it's all my fault.
Okay--here's the question:
Submitted by dvance on
Okay--here's the question: why not answer questions directly? It takes me easily 3-4 questions to get a real answer. Time related stuff is the worst. Last week he was planning a trip for work for this week and trying to decide whether to fly and then rent a car or drive and then have his own. Fair debate--it was about a 6 hour drive, but then his own car, or fly and rent a car. The company reimburses either way-they don't care one way or the other. So he tells me he hasn't decided yet. Then later that same day it comes up again and he says he will have to drive because the reimbursement check for the last trip hadn't posted yet so he didn't have enough money in his business account to afford the plane tickets. He knew that information during the first conversation (I asked). So really there was never any decision to be made. Why go through all the machinations like there is??? The need to always look for some "better, faster, smarter, newer" way to do things is just crazy. I put those words in quotes because generally speaking, DH's way of improving on something is really no help at all. And I am still waiting on a huge check from the beginning of December for a side job he did before he got this full time job. No sense of urgency on his part at all, but I have the money earmarked for my oldest son's orthodontist and I am tired of having to answer the phone and tell them we don't have the check yet. I have no idea what the hold up is.
Simply because...
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
This is all so much boring mundane crap that has to be dealt with, so the only way we (men w ADHD) can tolerate it is by livening it up a bit, lol. Make it interesting, like trying to split the atom. Same reason why questions aren't answered directly. Context and nuance are absolutely necessary - we have creative minds and we enjoy using them and showing them off, lol. Who wants to utter a simple yes or no when an opportunity to pontificate presents itself...seriously, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It drives my wife crazy, too.
No kidding my husband and I
Submitted by Emily1997 on
No kidding my husband and I have little notebooks we carry and write who is taking care of what. We also have electronic versions. I go over it time and time again but refer to the book not to him. Each time before we leave the house it is a checklist, wallet, cash.... This eliminates some of the little day to day issues. Of course he forgets but for some reason it is easier on his emotions to just review the list.
On the communication we still struggle and he is often upset w/ me. He also withholds affection and admits he does it as punishment or because he just doesn't feel loving at the time. He however gets lots of massages so he is touched. Long term this sucks.
The individual events are not it, the long term continual emotion of it all is difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think he does it on purpose, my DH does not...well accept the affection.