Hi everyone! I'm new to this site, and just starting on what I know will probably not be an easy road. Since I'm not sure where to start, exactly, I'll give you the "jist" of my/our background.
My fiance and I worked together and were very close friends for two years (we were both in other relationships at the time) and even after I moved across the country, we remained friends for the following 2 years. Given our history, I knew things about him prior to our friendship developing into a relationship. He frequently feels victimized, like the world is against him, and like he has terrible luck (no matter how hard he tries, nothing ever seems to go right). I knew about his difficult childhood, negligent/addict parents, and being diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD as a child. I also knew how much fun he was to be around, how his smile lights up a room, how endlessly creative, curious, and imaginative he is - and how he brings these qualities out in myself. I knew going into it that we would have our difficulties, and was anticipating that I would have to be the level-headed one to keep him from blowing up at small things. He's never been physically or verbally abusive or aggressive, but...well, I know most of you understand. But, none of that mattered. I love him, and I was happiest when I was with him, so it made sense to be together when the opportunity came.
The first 5 months of our relationship were long-distance, and in February of this year I moved from Chicago to Napa to be with him. At his insistence, me moving to Napa also meant me moving in with him. For the first month, things were INCREDIBLE. I hadn't found a job yet, so I was home all the time and had no responsibility other than making the most of every second we were together. He only works part time, so we got to spend almost all of our time together, and there was almost no stress. I started to notice something was "off" because whenever he was at work, he would find something to get angry at me for, and a "text fight" would ensue. Let me note this here: I am NOT a fighter. I will calmly discuss anything, but I have never and will never give into meaningless "battles" that will ultimately lead to emotional chaos. This drives him crazy, because I am the first woman he's been with that refuses to get into screaming matches with him.
Long story short, a whole list of other "off" things started popping up in our relationship: irrational jealousy, piles and piles of "stuff" everywhere once I wasn't home everyday to stay on top of everything, chores not getting done unless I was doing them (his sister, who I believe also has ADD, lives with us, and this makes the situation even more stressful for me), inability to plan effectively for events even a few weeks off, inability to save money for things we NEED - but the uncanny ability to come up with money for things he WANTS. I think my noticing these things fast-tracked when I started working insane amounts of overtime at work and the exhaustion became too overwhelming when I would get home and NOTHING had been done. At first I blamed the way he was raised, or him just not having his priorities in order (chores first, then xbox), and while it never escalated to real fights, he definitely knew how I was feeling, and that I needed to feel like I had a real partner in him, not just a lazy roommate. He would be great for a day or two, but things always went back to how they were before.
I knew this wasn't normal. My previous relationships were by no means perfect, and ended for their various reasons, but I had never felt like this. Ever. I started contemplating leaving him, but just thinking about that broke my heart. I love him, so much, and I don't want to feel like I'm giving up on him before I even give him a chance, so I started looking into what could be at the root of my frustration. I googled "adult ADHD symptoms". He has every single one. Textbook. That was around Thanksgiving. 6 weeks later and I'm reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage and its sister book, The Couples' Guide to Thriving with ADHD. I already feel a huge sense of relief, but also the realization that this will be something we work around for the rest of our lives. I'm okay with that, though. As long as it is something WE work around, as opposed to something only I have to work around. I have gently approached him twice about ADHD. The first time was to tell him I had purchased these books, because I better wanted to understand the differences that were causing tension in our relationship. I could tell he wasn't happy, and he didn't have much to say, so I didn't push the topic.
Last night I was able to have a good, honest, albeit quick, conversation with him about his feelings (at the moment we don't have internet or cable, so I'm taking full advantage of those distractions not being in the picture) About how he feels victimized, like he has terrible luck, how he just feels angry and doesn't understand why people are afraid to talk to him and that they're always saying they feel like they're walking on eggshells with him - about how it's not fair that he's been handed this personality. I told him he hasn't been handed "this personality", and he doesn't have to live feeling his life feeling that way - that everything he was saying are symptoms of ADHD. We've talked about going to counseling before - when I started noticing how jealous and controlling he can be, and he was open to it then. At this point, we're just waiting for him to talk to HR at his work about getting health insurance.
I want both of us to be in counseling; I know how important that is. I don't want him to feel like my frustration is his fault, or like he's broken. I only want to be supportive, but even this early on I've had moments of feeling like I just can't do it anymore. I want a family, sooner rather than later, but I'm putting that on hold until I know that I can rely on him to not miss doctors' appointments, and/or to clean up hazardous materials around the house when he's done using them - things I know you're all too familiar with.
I feel fortunate that I've got an early start on this journey - that I caught it before we're on the verge of divorce. We're set to get married on 10/10/15, and I want it to be a day full of happiness, not a day full of worry and second-guesses.
I just want to know that if any of you had known what you know now, what would you have changed early on in your relationship/marriage to prevent things from escalating to the point of near hopelessness? I know that treatment - therapy/counseling, trying medication, and staying flexible as we work on organization and delegation of tasks are my first priority at this point, but if you have any pointers to help a young-soon-to-be-ADHD-spouse, I would so, so, so greatly appreciate them!!
I also feel fortunate that
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I also feel fortunate that you have an early start on things and I hope he is as proactive as you are. I also want to caution you that he may never be or even be capable of the effort. Can you live with that being a big part of every part of your life? adding children to the mix? I think all the items you list are good ideas and not until you've got them in place long term (year) would I even consider marriage. You both need to do all the work before you get married. Actually let me be more specific; you need to do all your work and he needs to do all his work and bring that to the table.
I'm sure you've read on other posts how the ADD partner is especially alluring when their focus is on you so I would take years before I take the next step. I'd take long enough for them to have many other distractions and the see the quality of the relationship. Read and watch for co-existing issues. I knew my husbands co-existing stuff and dealt with it long before he was diagnosed w/ anything.
My husband and I were coworkers and then very good friends, long distance relationship and got along fine. I too realized he had some personality quirks but he could easily say that of me. Our relationship changed the day we married, his focus shifted. That "two year chemical high" they mention, didn't happen. He was diagnosed w/ ADD in 2011. We have been married 18 years, it has been a long difficult process for both of us. We've done most of the things you mention except he will not medicate. We are both people we do not want to be just to cope with the relationship and protect the "marriage". We've done counseling 4x, 20+ books and this last time we've decided on discernment counseling. I am in individual therapy. Years of this stress have caused me health problems (developed since his diagnosis) so you'll also have to be very aware of this. Looking back had we known what we know now we would not have married. We love each other and would not have wanted to put the other in this position.
I do know both a male and a female w/ ADD that medicate and it helps them with their marriages and day to day life. Both still have many difficulties. One opted to not have children, he does not like himself when he is not medicated. The one with children passed on ADD and another issue to both children so I would also check that out before having children. She would not have had kids at all if she had known her mental health issues. Get all this sorted out in individual and pre-marital counseling before you get married.
He must do a LOT of work
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"I just want to know that if any of you had known what you know now, what would you have changed early on in your relationship/marriage to prevent things from escalating to the point of near hopelessness?"
That's a GREAT question to be asking BEFORE your marriage. It's ALWAYS wonderful to be planning a wedding, especially when you're in love and so many things appear to be endlessly possible. But, with this condition, (ADHD), not everything is possible, and most likely there will be more rough days than better days. The hyper-focus WILL stop, eventually, and your fiance' will then be focused somewhere else. It happens to everyone who marries someone with ADHD. (Read more of the posts on this site for that)
Your fiance' needs to be ACTIVELY learning and working on his ADHD.....not JUST you. If you ask anyone here, they will tell you, it won't work with just ONE person doing all the work on the ADHD. Most people with this condition (unless they are diagnosed earlier on) are in serious denial about how much their condition affects people around them. And they hate to listen to girlfriends/wives and vice-versa, telling them their ADHD is a problem (when they are in denial). I wish we BOTH knew about the ADHD before we got married, I seriously would have re-considered marrying my husband. There are others here who have also said the same thing. It's NOT that we don't LOVE them.....in fact, we love them A LOT, we just can't LIVE with them. There's a HUGE difference.
We are in our 50's and he was only diagnosed 8 years ago. The damage done by his untreated ADHD, and his constant denial of it has been costly. (mostly to my self esteem, and both our self images) He's on Concerta, but not in behavioral therapy. They MUST be in behavioral therapy, and not just on medication. It takes both treatments for them to get a balanced view of what is happening in their lives and the lives of those around them.
There's the messiness, the breaking things, the forgetting EVERYTHING, denying saying things, saying hurtful things, black and white thinking, anger issues, driving issues, sleep problems, sometimes food issues and sensory issues (touch, clothing, etc) and more. But, you are doing well by learning as MUCH as you can. He just needs to be doing the same.
Thank You!!!!
Submitted by honey_linn on
Thank you so much for your response! Since my original post we've had several more conversations about his ADHD as well as bi-polar disorder and depression. He has expressed his frustration with his own instability several times, and is looking forward to getting health insurance and getting into therapy. I think learning as much as I have prior to having these conversations has done a lot of good in how I approach having them - and how he, in return, receives what I'm telling him.
I am definitely optimistic...of course we still have good days and bad days, and while I'm not nagging or ¨parenting¨ him about getting health insurance and starting treatment, he knows that it's an absolute necessity, and I'm thankful it's not something he's in denial about or something that triggers arguments (it helps that he was diagnosed as a child and recognizes that many of the same issues he had then are not only still present, but actually worse).
I'm not blind to the fact that it will be an uphill battle more often than not, but together we have started implementing different organizational and communication tools - some have worked great, others not so much - but progress is progress, and I'm looking forward to working with a therapist (both individually and as a couple) to continue moving forward. I have to remind myself that patience is good, complacency is not. As with any diet/weight-loss/rehabilitation program, slow and steady lifestyle changes are what will count in the long-run rather than drastic measures he can not actually maintain, so I'm learning to be happy with the few tiny but continued successes we HAVE had rather than focusing my energy on all of the things that still need to change. I also have taken comfort in my own successes in terms of taking care of myself first, and not losing my absolute sense of self and recognizing that it's not up to me to ¨fix¨ him. I refer to the books and forums here often, and though he hasn't actively started any medical/professional treatment, he is open to and excited about starting treatment and the mental and emotional stability it will eventually lead to. I am starting to feel more like we're in this together rather than like I'm in this all on my own.
I honestly can not imagine going through years and years of marriage without having the knowledge and resources that I do, and I commend you for making it through what I'm sure were very dark and lonely times. I know ADHD will be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives...for all the good AND bad it's brought and continues to bring into not only his life but mine too, I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone but him.
I plan to continue posting updates as both he and we progress through treatment - sharing what has and hasn't worked, and seeking advice, encouragement and support as often as I need it!!
Preparing for marriage
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I can't really add much to this except to say that it's important to take note if there are some areas he prefers to work on because the changes come a little easier to him. Becoming more organized or better with follow-through on tasks may be a lot easier for him than the interpersonal issues, for example. If this is the case, be careful that this doesn't lull you into thinking that he'll have an across-the-board improvement in symptoms. The others may come back to bite you later.
You've already been looking at other mental health issues, and I feel that this issue gets far too little attention in the case of people not diagnosed with ADHD until they're adults. I've often read about adults who don't have ADHD diagnosed because doctors focus on things like depression or anxiety, but it seems just as likely (at least on this forum), that people discover their ADHD and other issues are missed, such as mood disorders or personality disorders/traits. It's very wise of you to find out his whole mental health picture, and to make sure he's getting full treatment before you get married. I hope things are going well for the two of you!