I'm going to list some common behaviors of my wife's, she is a severe add, and may have some other undiagnosed issues as well, not sure. I want to see if any others out there experience similar things w/ your mates....I'm just wondering if others experience what I do....
1) Hoards things, leaves stuff laying around, very messy, gets emotionally attached to items that were the kids, or her parents..Has a story from the past about all her stuff, likes to share stories about her childhood when showing me stuff.
2) Struggles to get sleepy ( side effect of adderall to some degree, but, has the problem even when failing to medicate) I can be reading the paper and her iPhone can start alarming loudly right by her head, and she won't here it....She will hit snooze for two hours are more.
3) A common theme for her is to jump up w/ say 45 minutes to get ready and leave...If I speak to her while she is getting ready, she will stop getting ready, engage me, and then get loud, when she realizes she has stopped getting ready, and blames me:)
4) Drives to fast, because she's usually running late....runs to the time clock most days....
5) She gets addicted to things easily...Like snacking, takes a lot of Tylenol, Advil, TV, Solitaire on the computer for hours...Really anything to keep from being constructive.
6) She lives in a world in her mind where she talks about traveling out of the country, and wants me to go with her, but she doesn't realistically manage her life and finances in a way she can. She has a storage bin she rents, that she just filled up w/ junk no one would want and pays 90.00 a month for the rent.
7) She has accepted most of the boundaries that I tell her are firm and non-negotiable, but, when our two son's are in town will use them to support her independent projects w/o telling me. So what I guess I'm asking is if your mates work around you, in things you won't be their enabler for?
8) Has a sincere desire to control... Just about anything? Vacations, restaurants, doctors, corrects my grammar all the time (conjugating some verbs not my strong suit ;)...Somehow I think she gets her self-worth from this...Does anyone else deal w/ this?
9) Very competitive...Always answers my questions about her irresponsibility with this....Well you do so and so....Never wants to own her behavior....You can't discuss what happened two days ago w/ her, because she can't remember,, but will fight you about her being right...:) She misses her appointments for doctor's and such a lot...She loses stuff all the time, and will make it your fault if you let her;)...When she jumps up rushing to get ready, I might as well go for a walk, she will want me to do 4 or 5 things most days.(will you fix me a sandwich, will you make me a smoothie..etc. etc...) If it means getting up early enough to be responsible for her own meals and needs, she will go to work hungry, or eating micro-wave outmeal out of a cup while she drives...
10) Lives in denial about most of this list so, basically discussing it only produces a flight or blame syndrome in her....If I waited on her to cook or clean Oh well, it would be bad around her...I basically live like I'm single most of the time when it comes to laundry, meals, cleaning most daily chores...I retired at age 56, so that helped...I've been able to slow down to some degree...She's the only friend or family member that thinks I should be working, and the only one who can't see how busy she keeps me...LOL..
11) And then there's the little things, that go along w/ add....Like the Britta pitcher, she will put it back in the Frig. almost empty every time..
12) She is post menopausal and has low sensitivity and very little desire (takes me for ever to try and help her finish) for sex...Not the case for me, so I just deal with it all....
How about y'all...Any of this sound familiar?
Husband ADD, (actually ex-husband), at wits end.
Submitted by Sopfia on
If I say anything, or want to discuss any of this his favorite thing to say is, "I accept you the way you are, but you can't accept me the way I am". I can't respond to that because actually he is right. However, I work, fifty hours a week and he is, "semi retired". I spend every minute at home playing catch up to run the household...he watches TV, plays Wii, watches Netflix, is on Facebook, actually anything that involves a monitor. He has an addictive personality and although he has a handle on it, he is an alcoholic. He drinks every night but usually two at the most...as far as I know, I know he usually has some in the afternoon when I am not around. I divorced him and kicked him out four years ago for this behavior. He convinced me to let him come back. He has changed from making no effort to making some effort, and he says it's because he loves me and wants to be with me. My problem is that in past discussions ( my attempt to communicate, because he will not) he has said hurtful things that I can't forget. Like not denying it when I say he talked his way back because he could not find a better situation, or flat saying he's happy if I leave him alone. Well sure he is. He does exactly what he wants when he wants. He pays his half, but I pay all the bills. All he has to do is take care of him, his small music "business" and his part, part time paint business. Sooo. I can't help but think his motivation is that if I go away, so does his simple life with a nice house and time to kill.
And he is right, he does accept me the way I am. No I am not perfect. But I work hard, all the time. I don't drink too much, I don't embarrass him in public, I have asked- begged him not to lick his knife in a restaurant, but he still does. I don't want to go out to eat with him anymore because I hate that so much it ruins everything.
i dint want to be who he has turned me into. I am more his mom. Now honey, you need to do some chores before you play. He did betray me a few times, meeting another woman for coffee like five times and calling her every morning for a month. Because she is a distant cousin he denies an emotional attachment, attraction, but since he never told me about her, I'd say it was obvious. While we were separated, but still married, he hit on every woman he knew and slept with one he dated. He told me he considered moving in with her. I know he was using her. But sex for us has always been a struggle. I want it on a regular basis and he doesn't . Yet he slept with her and then professed his true love for me so I would let him come back.
So I he says to quit living in the past, forget the past and move forward with a new fresh start. Sure we'll if i guess if I had screwed up that bad I would want my partner to forget the past too. The point is...I don't accept him for who he is and the way he is, totally ADD, forgets things that just happened, does not remember what he said or denies it all together, screws up simple directions when sparked to carry out a task, like take this pile to donate, but don't touch this pile over here because it is inventory for a gift shop I am a vendor for. He took the inventory and donated it. I kid you not. Shit like that happens all the time. But if I get upset because he has watched 8 hours of TV then I am not accepting him for who he is. What irresponsible and lazy? If he cleans the kitchen I appreciate it, but it does not contribute that much to keeping up with the household. I want him to be a regular participant and contributor to this home and partnership.
His latest thing is to be affectionate with me..not sexual mind you. When I get home from work and he has been alone all day, he wants to hang with me ......and I want to change my clothes and go to the bath room with out someone hovering expecting me To entertain him for the evening when I have my own chores to take care of.
Sorry to go on and on. Just so frustrated, sad, sometime flat out angry. I should mention he has said in the past he would seek help or diagnosis for his ADD, had never has and now will deny he has ADD. I am at my wits end.
Sopfie
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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7) She has accepted most of the boundaries that I tell her are firm and non-negotiable, but, when our two son's are in town will use them to support her independent projects w/o telling me. So what I guess I'm asking is if your mates work around you, in things you won't be their enabler for?
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What boundaries do yu set that seh respects?
What are the things that she does with your sons?
Hi OverwhelmedWife...Just noticed your questions....
Submitted by c ur self on
I set boundaries about timeliness, I go on time...she comes when ever....She has a sincere desire to control people, so she will just plan my life, if I don't put the brakes on it...Her mindset is all about things she wants...fun things to her....And she puts expectations on me to comply...Right!...Ha Ha...so since I'm the one who tends to bills,groceries, yards, most of the cleaning etc. etc you get the picture...She is never to make plans for me without asking me...there are other things....
The things she does with our son's...well this is an example:...She wanted to have this big Christmas get together with all the kids, family and etc...But, because she is a hoarder, we have this room full of boxes, and bins...right in the front room of the house (because I set the boundary that the rest of the house and guest rooms were going to stay clean)...So, I told her, I was fine with having the kids and family over to love on and celebrate Christmas, but, I wasn't hiding the way we live...If I have to live in it the rest of the year, I'm not taking part unless it stays...So she agreed...So we cooked, and were getting things in order that morning, and the boy's showed up earlier than I expected...I really didn't think anything about it, I was glad to see them...I was out back w/ the the smoker...It was raining...So I came in and she had them hauling stuff out the front door in the rain to some storage...I was like...Oh no you don't...I'm out of here...we agreed!...She started screaming, and crying, and begging...I've never seen anything like it...I just stood there...What could I do??...So, I just shut up and walked back out to the smoker....We've since dealt with it...Never say never...but, I think we've gotten to a place where I can trust her to follow through with our agreements....She knows next time....She will be explaining to the Kids where there Father has gone....
Hi Sopfie...It's OK to put your feelings down..;)
Submitted by c ur self on
It's been a couple of months since I posted the reality of what I deal with here...Just reread it, and it really sounds more right on now than when I wrote it...:)...Sopfie I'm sorry for what you have dealt with. It sounds rough to say the least...It is so hard to live with a spouse you can't trust....
The reason I've stayed is because first I vowed to, and I believe we can be content and happy in the ways this marriage is capable of producing happiness. And, by Grace we are finding that place much of the time now.
I do not know what I would do in your shoe's, if adultery came into the picture... I hope I would have a heart to forgive her...But, more than likely I would probably end it, but, who knows....Only God.
experiencing most all of these behaviors
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C ur self, I just read this post, and am amazed by your list. Almost ALL of the things you listed are behavior my ADHD husband has done or still does presently. It really is amazing how much the ADHD behaviors are alike in so many folks.
1. yes. hoards things, but is better about that. Messy....YES. I used to pick up after him every day like he was a toddler. It was exhausting because I was the only cleaning the entire house on top of working, cooking, shopping, yard work, etc. I used to follow a trail he left every day when he came home from work. It started at the front door and went through the entire house....the shoes..jacket....tie.....briefcase....pens...coins.....belt......shirt........all dropped at various intervals until he got to the bedroom where he would change into comfortable clothes. Then there were the stacks and hoards of paperwork, notes, music equipment that covered everything. I was always picking things up...and still am, but I can't physically do it anymore so my house looks like a bomb went off in it. I really hate living in such a messy house.
2.Struggles to get sleepy.....YES...always has, but then he could fall asleep anytime, anywhere if he sat down. He would nod off at the wheel as well, which scared me to death. He's been treated for sleep apnea, and it's better. But, he just can not go to bed before 12pm, no matter what time he got up. His usual hour to fall asleep is 3am. Why do so MANY ADHD'ers go to sleep at 3 am? It almost seems like there is also a spiritual aspect to the condition as well. Anyway, he takes a sleeping pill at night to help him fall asleep now.
3. SAME....exact thing about getting ready for work. He leaves very little time to get ready, and then he rushes like a madman to get to work. He's gotten many speeding tickets over the course of our marriage. Even if he gets ready EARLY, he will putter around until HE IS late, and then start the RUSHING......sort of like it's his adrenaline KICK to be able to start the day. And I DON'T DARE interrupt him, just like what you said about your wife. Last week he said I made him forget his keys for school because I interrupted him while he was getting ready. He DOES now notice his FOCUS changes before and after taking the Concerta, and will tell me to wait to talk to him until his meds are working. It just sort of sucks when there are times I really NEED to talk to him and I can't.
4. Yep,...drives too fast...always...every day. Has had many tickets, but has yelled at me and our girls"Don't you EVER get any tickets because our insurance will go up". when HE is the one who gets all the tickets.
5. Addicted to things.....SUGAR especially. He just can't stop inhaling sugar...CANDY, especially. I can't tell you how many candy runs I've had to do for him. Video games...hours on end. Plus, he is a major workaholic...except a lot of the "work" he does isn't NECESSARY. It's work he thinks up to do so he can keep busy. I've lately thought that this is an avoidance thing, so he doesn't have to do work that really needs to be done.
6. Same. He has talked about talking a trip to Italy OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE....but has never make the time to go. In fact, we have not had ONE vacation in the entire 31 years of marriage. He wouldn't even take a honeymoon, because he thought he would loose his job if he took a week off. NO ONE could convince him otherwise. I now think he did that because he was AFRAID of what would be expected of him ON a honeymoon. (he has always had a low, low sex drive and has been embarrassed about it) Any vacations we HAVE had, were working ones, and we didn't really GET a vacation. He did his thing, I was usually alone.
7. NO BOUNDARIES HERE. He doesn't take boundaries well. But, he loves to give everyone ELSE boundaries. This one is very, very frustrating. He thinks he knows what's best in just about every situation, and it's like beating our heads on a brick wall to get him to change his mind on the LIMITS he sets for all of us. It's like ADHD backwards in our house. He turned into the nagging husband, and we are the non adhd recipients of it.
8. CONTROL......YES......everything......He wants control of almost every stituation. It's been very hard making compromises with him, because of his inability to logically discuss things with him. He's in love with his IQ. Tells everyone about his genius IQ, and that he was magna cum laude. (everyone else was a moron)
9. VERY COMPETITIVE........wants to win at any board game we play. If I win too much, the game is over. He also misses lots of appointments, has blamed me in the past but I put a stop to that one as much as I could. He won't take the time to shave in the morning, but will shave in the car on the way to work, and the car is weaving back and forth on the road. I HATE THIS. He does this when he takes me to the doctor's each month, and it makes me nauseated from all the weaving. (car accident waiting to happen)
10. DENIAL.....this is a big one. He was in huge denial about everything until a few months ago. It's a little better, but he doesn't own his own behaviors yet.
11. Laughed at this one.......my husband puts the ice cream container back in the freezer with a teaspoon/tablespoon of ice cream in it, and then finds me wherever I'm at and will ANNOUNCE to me that he's "left me some". I don't consider a teaspoon of ice cream.......getting left any.
12. Yea...the sex thing. Same here. He's always had a low sex drive, It didn't matter how much I tried to make this easier and better with him. He would NOT deal with this part of our lives. We haven't had sex in years. I've come to accept it now, but it was SO HARD FOR A LONG TIME, especially when I was "in the mood" and needed some release. Didn't get it.
Just thought I'd share this back with you.....thanks for writing this. It's been my life too. Also, thanks for your witness about your faith. It's been especially helpful and has made me think about many things that I TRULY need to address. Been praying more about this.
Thank you for your kind comment....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Also, thanks for your witness about your faith. It's been especially helpful and has made me think about many things that I TRULY need to address. Been praying more about this.)
If I don't share the real reason (person) responsible for my peace...Then my message is stealing!...
I'm so glad you are experiencing the love of Christ...that calls us all to repentance and self-awareness, if we'll just listen...Because unlike me...he is faithful.
some w/ spouse, some w/ ADD galpal
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I see 1-11 w/ hubby and 1-12 w/ a female galpal. I wrote about hubby/I coping elsewhere but it is doable. He was only diagnosed a couple years ago after long time marital strife. I had helped galpal w/ organizing issues in late 90's, I actually asked her if she had ADD since she was similar to ADD clients I'd helped. She was diagnosed a couple years later after her children were discovered ADD and LD.
Organizing, perhaps by an outside person will help. Contact me for assistance/ideas, you'll be the person to implement and responsible for negotiations. You must take notes/balance ego as defensiveness, anger, control are a part of it. Enabling to allow focus on a needed task such as taxes is good, to let them out of a task is not good. It is tough to detach emotionally to help them and protect yourself.
I hear so much love/support for your wife, it is touching. I also get that she is sucking the life out of you. Help yourself to help your marriage. No one knew outside our marriage, it is not easy. I am no longer ok.
We discuss masturbation, even mutual type to deal with the physical/sexual issues. We are apart often for long periods of time. He uses affection/physical as a weapon and it is damaging. We want to prevent infidelity. My husbands counselor has him reading "hold her tight" to help with this issue. Menopause can be dealt w/ but you'd need an open minded ObGyn or Osteopath doc and a big comfort level in this area. My galpal can't take ADD meds or her hormones are wacked and she can't parent. They've reached a physical/sexual compromise to cope. Exercise, even a daily walk is good. Sound nutrition is important. A therapist w/ lots of ADD experience is important. My DH will wasn't ever honest/dealing until we found one.
Emily1997...You've made some good points...Thanks...
Submitted by c ur self on
( It is tough to detach emotionally to help them and protect yourself.) This is what I've done to bring peace back to my own life...I've wrote posts to many of our forum friends here and used the term, learning to be the fly on the wall.
Now when she drags stuff out and makes messes I walk around it for a few weeks...If I need to clump it into a pile so I can vacuum or something I do...But, eventually I tell her...Yea, it's been there for weeks...You do something or I am...I try to say it nice, but firm....Then keep my promise if she doesn't, she usually will do something with it...Add or at least my wife will be attentive to things if I am careful to be nice;)...If I keep it loving...But, she will digress, and we end up learning the same things after a while...If that makes sense to you...Kind of like a child....
I've found it's much better (for peace and sanity sake) to just do my taxes separate, the difference in the $ isn't worth what we went through the first few years trying to do them joint...
She bought me this rubber VJJ and lubricate at a women's toy party...and she wanted me to let her use it on me because of her pain...I've agreed, but, I think she got jealous because she quit mentioning it...Plus, my frustrations with not having her...Oh well, I have to battle that.. lol...I've been buying her Replens, when I go buy groceries and if she uses it every 3 day...(I lay it out by her bedside to remind her)....then we can have sex without to much pain for her...I basically go 1/2 way and almost do little to no moving until I finish...I've tried to make it more about just holding her and touching...She asked a couple of days ago if I would order her the dilatotors set I've been telling her about...(I've been trying to get her to see if that would help)...I bought some virgin coconut oil at the Asian market today...I think this will be a better lubricate for her...I want to be understanding, I know this real for her...But I'm like...Oh well...it will be OK..:)...Thanks for your comments.....
edit...Exercise you mentioned is great...Ive taken my sexual frustrations out on the arc trainer at the gym...;)