Submitted by lauren07 on 01/25/2015.
So, my ex is ADD (inattentive). He won't accept it, nor do anything to improve his symptoms. In fact, just the opposite. He drives me insane, even though he has one of the biggest hearts. There is no hope for reconciliation, and his ADD and other issues have left me scarred.
With that said, the only man I am interested in right now is ADD. He accepts it, jokes about it, takes meds for it, and has put things in place to help manage it. I am scared to death of his ADD, but I am giving him a chance.
The dating pool over here is pretty scary, and he seems to be the only normal, decent person I can find.
I just wanted to let you all know LOL.
Good For You
Submitted by kellyj on
I came back today just to see what was new and your post caught my eye. I can say honestly now that I am where your ex is in every respect so I can at least throw some encouragement your way and maybe some advise that will help you and him at the same time. I'm optimistically saying that my wife and I have turned at least one really important corner....we've found a way to communicate ie: I listen to her and she listens to me even if we don't like what we hear without completely going into the defensive. This is huge! That and we both are owning up to our own issues not making the other person responsible for trying to fix the other persons problems or unhappiness. For me this was such a problem before. Any time I tried to voice a complaint or some kind of need that I tried to make about nearly anything...I got the usual ADHD complaints thrown back in my face regardless of how I approached her and irrational or disconnected to anything those things were to what I was saying. You can only do that so many times before it becomes really clear that no matter where the complaint you hear originates from ( from her in my case)...all roads lead back to the real issue she was having. Pretty soon you realize that nothing you do or say will make a difference....and nothing she complains about is really about the words that are being said.
In reality...both these things are false. What is true is that this kind of thinking on both sides leads you ( not them) to do the exact opposite thing that the other person wants instead. Not intentionally either.
What I am doing right now that is currently working is to walk away. Walk away if she is being irrational and not honestly saying what;s really wrong. I don't get angry or fight....I just wait awhile and come back ( or she does now too) and start over. I know what she wants before she even opens her mouth...I've heard it a million times...one more time only makes my blood pressure rise and that only has one conclusion at the end. Coming back and starting the conversation with something like, " I know why you're mad and yes I didn't do this thing you asked of me today, but please don't make this about something else instead...you know that only makes me angry and you not getting what you want." And we go from there. I can live with a little shame now and then if she is being honest and reasonable even if I've actually tried and still fail occasionally. If it always comes back to catastrophe in everything to the worst common denominator you can never get anywhere. If you can let the small stuff slide and focus on being realistic with your expectations based on what's possible for your ex to do over time without making absolute deadlines or 0 tolerance for failure it will go a long way to motivate him in the direction you want him to go ie: you will get what you want quicker and more consistently with steady improvement by giving him room to succeed.
Speaking for myself, this is really what I wanted and needed from my wife and it makes a huge difference. And if she defaults to blaming or catastrophizing with absolutes "always"and "never" or "every time".....I walk away and let it go and pretty much go about my business because it simply isn't true and not productive to go there with her. This isn't retreating....it's simply taking a time out to reset and come back to it later without conflict. If I do this.....she has pretty consistently come back in a few minutes and said she was sorry. I let her know how much this means to me and I apologize for being such a pain in the ass to live with at times and how much this motivates me to try even harder next time ( in the specific thing she really wants at the time, and what she's really upset about in reality )
If I could give you any advise directly from experience........stop bringing fear into this and being afraid of your ex's ADD. It will only elicit behavior from you ( in many ways ) that will cause him to resist you in doing the very thing that you really want from him............ which is contrary to what you both want. Good luck!
J
Simple
Submitted by lauren07 on
This was just a simple post to show some people out there that even though untreated (at all) ADD helped ruin my marriage, I was willing to give another guy who treated his a chance.
I get along pretty well with my ex. We have this co-parenting thing down. He likes to over complicate things at times, but comes around overall.
And the guy I gave a chance to already ruined it. He's just stretched too far with work and kids. He has no time for me, and that is fine. He's not communicating at all and keeps cancelling dates.
I tried though. I didn't hear ADD and run screaming. In fact, it was so nice that he owned it. From the sound of it, his ex's reactions to it has left them both kind of scarred. But man, he has really developed some great coping skills.
And it sounds like your coping skills are great too. It's always better to disengage before things get ugly. I hope you keep seeing improvements;)
Nice
Submitted by kellyj on
It sounds like you too have learned some good coping skills in dealing with someone with ADD as well. My comment was pointing more to just the word "fear" in your initial post...saying sometimes these things can be more subliminal than you realize but of course.....how can I know for sure?...which I can't! lol Without having any real experience myself with the difference between someone with "inattentive" type or "hyperactive" type ADD or ADHD...it does appear more and more from my perspective ( I'm predominantly ADHD hyperactive type and definitely more extroverted than introverted even though I have my introverted moments and needs too), the difference seems more like introversion vs extroversion on the surface. This difference ( even though more complicated for the person who has it..trust me on this one LOL ) seems simply put....a matter of being either: too little ( inattentive )......or too much ( hyperactive ) depending on the person you are with and how they perceive you. Unfortunately......either way ( ADHD or ADD ), I can tell you for sure it's difficult to impossible to stay in the middle for too long (having it) , which is why it seems.....we tend to stand out. ha ha
Anyway.....sounds like you have a pretty clear picture and my comment (taken somewhat out of context) was thrown out there to the masses as much as anything else. Good luck to you with all things.
J
I'm freshly diagnosed and
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
I'm freshly diagnosed and recently broke up - got DUMPED -. I'm now at the point of doing all the research and trying to educate myself about it in general and how it affects x,x,x,...etc. But mainly I've been locked in on reading all the post about "should I break up w my ADHD BF? ..and most the responses have been exetrmely difficult for me to read: harsh, sometimes callused and a lot of anger and resentment for their ADDer partner. Soo Here I am: Freshly both: diagnosed and single, reading how horrible it is to be w an ADDer and "you should turn around and Ru, Run as fast as you can!" All those things causes me a lot of saddness and anxiety. ...... Reading your post is honest and not callused and jaded. I would hope that my next relationship wouldn't come in with the expectations of his ex girlfriend! Everyone is Different and Unique. Please remember that before making blanket statement. This new guys seems to be accepting and doing the work. That says a lot, don't you think its worth something?
Same here, kinda
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I know reading the posts here can make everything seem pretty hopeless, no matter if you are the person with ADHD, or the partner of one. It's wonderful that you are doing the reading and the researching, now that you have a diagnosis, but it can't stop there. A lot of the problems that cause partners to end up so hurt and angry (and just to state: most of the partners on here who are so negative didn't start out that way) -- is that the person with ADHD didn't get treatment at all, or just expected their meds to do all the work, or started and then didn't follow through...and untreated ADHD can be really difficult to live with.
Another thing that often gets overlooked is that by the time someone with untreated ADHD becomes an adult, there are very often other things in the picture, too, such as depression, anxiety, ODD, substance abuse, etc., that can develop over time due to the untreated ADHD. These undiagnosed and untreated 'extras' can be what really wreaks havoc in a relationship. So, as someone going through the process myself, and also someone who has been in a relationship with one ADHDer and married to someone else who most likely also was...all I can say is --- do your very best to be honest and self-aware. Read the most up-to-date information about ADHD so that you get a therapist who will do the most effective therapy, AND look to see if there are any other issues you might have, such as anger, shame, etc., that you can also work on. And then DO IT!! :)
None of us will ever not have ADHD, and we will probably have to be diligent for the rest of our lives so that we don't let go of the things we learn, but that doesn't leave me hopeless. You are right -- not everyone is the same. Reading what I do here scares me about being in a relationship again, too. But I think being willing to do what it takes and then doing it is most of the battle.
oh man...my therapist is
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
oh man...my therapist is gonna hear a lot this week.