Submitted by newby on 01/25/2015.
I am not married and I hope it's ok to ask this question here. I've been dating someone about 6 months and things are wonderful. She shared that she has ADHD/ADD so I am trying to understand how that might impact our relationship. What advice/resources might you share with a newbie to this world?
Educate yourself....
Submitted by c ur self on
The effects of add/adhd can run anywhere from a minimum disruption to complete chaos in a life and relationship...The fact you had to be told she has it is good:)...I suggest you try and disassociate yourself from your emotional feelings (almost impossible to do) long enough to be the fly on the wall w/regards to your girl friend. Try grading her in your mind and heart by the things you will learn about the effects of add/adhd...I want go into a long list of things my wife does, because that is not fair to you or your girl friend, severity of effect is different for each individual...
I think as you read the posts on this web site, you will see that many of us who deal w/add/adhd on a daily basis had rather not;) those of us with it, and without it....
Denial is the killer for the add/adhd individual, and for the non-add/adhd mate the killer is shifting our focus onto fixing them, instead of love and acceptance of them...Love and acceptance doesn't mean you agree with their behaviors...
Let me just say one more thing that you do not need to miss!
If there are things about her that you feel you will change...Think again!...The biggest mistake of my life was thinking this...So for over 4 years of being a classic enabler all I got for my trouble was tired, angry and bitter.
If she is a hoarder, you get a hoarder....If she is very distractible and can't deal w/ time schedules, that what you get, If she is a thrill seeker and tends be bored easily, that is what you will deal with...etc...etc...etc...
So, remember what you see is what you get....
God Bless newby
Seriously Educate Yourself.....
Submitted by imsosickofthis on
I am the non ADHD Husband and my wife has Severe ADHD, PTSD and an Auditory Processing Disorder (APD)...yes sucks to be me.
My response which is out of frustration is "LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK"
At least you know she has ADHD and can make that decision so if you later on regret your decision you can at least blame yourself for not listening. I didn't know my wife had ADHD until 10 years later, by then the damage was already done.
The hoarder thing....so true. It's the biggest issue we have in our relationship and we are very close to Divorce.
Things will be great in the beginning because she is hyper focusing on your relationship so she is going to be the most wonderful thing ever. Once that goes away that is when the chaos begins.
Look at how she lives her life now
You need to really thing about these things because anything she does now that might erk you is going to be magnifies 900% in marriage after some years.
If you do marry her you need to strongly set boundaries and ALWAYS STAND YOUR GROUND. It will be frustrating because you will feel like you always have to be on guard...and you will.
You will feel like you are dealing with another child when it comes to her so be prepared to be very patient
You need to have a serious talk with her and lay all these things out before hand so she understands, you should start doing this before the marriage and see how she is reacting. Test her out like a new automobile lol
On the flip side
ADHD'rs also have their strong points to them. Because they hyper focus on things they will be very good at what they love and suck very bad at everything else, there is no balance with them. I you do not know much about ADHD I suggest you make this website your new homepage and read as much as you can. Unfortunately reading these forums can be bad because of the frustration from many of us, but at the same time learn from it.
Remember the phrase "You've made your bed, now lie in it"
Imsosickofthis....
Submitted by c ur self on
After re-reading my post and your's...This poor guy maybe in shock or still running..lol...You know, I love my wife, but, if I had it to do over...I think I would stick to being friends...She does fine as long as she has do distractions, no other responsibilities other than seeing to her own needs...
I like your comment about the frustrations of always having to be on guard....It's sad, but true...The life of a severe add person is so intrusive on their spouses...For peace and sanity sake...It's just better if they live alone, their way!
Not running.........
Submitted by newby on
yet! lol
thanks for passing along the good, the bad and the ugly!
I'm trying to do my homework so I can understand.
I would say....
Submitted by By my fingernails on
While you should take things at face value, please also know that things can change DRASTICALLY after you get married. I thought that I had done the calculus and that I understood what I was getting into... I thought that I understood exactly what I was and was not compromising on... turns out I had NO idea what I was getting. My stable job and stable income spouse has not had a stable job or income over the past 4 years of our 5 year marriage.
Keep in mind that he did have a stable job and stable income for ALL THREE of the years leading up to our marriage (and had been at that job for a long time prior to our marriage)... so after 3 years I thought I knew what I was getting, and it has changed DRASTICALLY and unexpectedly.
The other really hard thing is that it turns out that promises are not executed. So everything that we talked about, big life decisions that I made around home, career, spouse, child, all based on conversations with nothing to back them up. It's very difficult to have a "test child" to see what their behaviors will be. You see them with other peoples kids and they have a similar parenting philosophy and you think that you will be aligned... until you're IN THE MOMENT and you have no idea how you came to have a child with this person...
Just based on my experience. Again, depends on the degree of their ADD/ADHD - mine is on the bad end of the spectrum. Another thing I didn't know / wasn't aware of before we got married since he was so stable...
This statement of fingernails is very true for me also....
Submitted by c ur self on
(The other really hard thing is that it turns out that promises are not executed. So everything that we talked about, big life decisions that I made around home, career, spouse, child, all based on conversations with nothing to back them up.)
Its very easy to feel betrayed when there is no remembrance, recognition, or just plain denial of the things you felt were solid commitments between you two....
run don't walk
Submitted by dvance on
I would say RUN don't walk away from an ADHD person. I have been married for 20 years to an ADHD man and I wish to God someone had taken me by the shoulders and given me a good shake and said DON'T DO IT. It is the most frustrating, nonsensical, bizarre, lonely, expensive thing you can imagine being married to an ADHD person. Even when it's "good", it's not really the same good that the rest of the world experiences. It's the calm before the next storm--and there always is one brewing. It's either financial or some other person that caught their eye or some task that went undone or some communication error that caused hurt feelings or some inappropriate behavior or comment or some immature reaction to something you needed a serious response to. I'm telling you-the good does not outweigh the bad, but I have 20 years and two kids to think about. You don't. Leave now before you get in any deeper.
Wow
Submitted by newby on
it appears that a relationship with an ADD person is doomed! You guys have certainly put a little concern into the mix. l am wondering if people with ADD are on a continuum. She does not appear to exhibit some of the characteristics you've mentioned (at this time). We haven't been dating all that long, I can share that she has held a professional job at the same place for 25 years and her previous relationship ended after 22 years. Her home and life do not appear chaotic (well her life is somewhat chaotic, but most people's lives theses days are?).
I will proceed armed with the knowledge you have shared. Not sure how things will play out, but I certainly appreciate your insights.
" a continuum"
Submitted by sunlight on
Yes, one size does not fit all. You probably know people with ADHD, but you can't tell that they have it. I think that is probably true of many of the people here - they have difficulties with some people with ADHD but dont notice the other people around them who also have it. I certainly know successful people (holding down jobs, creating companies, married for decades with successful kids and so on), and only through researching my husband's ADHD did I eventually figure out that they had it too. My husband has never had a problem holding down a job, in fact he has held jobs far longer than I (a non-ADHD) ever have because I like the variety of my own business while he likes a job-job. My husband wasn't diagnosed until 55, finally because I forced him to it, although it turned out that some of his friends already 'knew'. You're ahead of the game if your partner is already diagnosed young and if they can manage their ADHD then all is not doomed. A lot of cases on this site seem to have co-morbidities plus mis-matched expectations or personality conflicts. Something like 2-4% of the population have ADHD, it is more manageable that BPD, NPD, severe depression - but it does require that that ADHD person accepts and works with it. When I found out that it was ADHD in my husband's case I went ahead and raised my expectations of him instead of lowering them, and I don't 'accommodate' or use it as an excuse. But I have never had a relationship with a perfect person, and have found that in all long relationships playing to each other's strengths is the best way forward. If a person is no good with finances and one person is better - then it's pretty obvious who should look after them, for example (The irony here is that my husband has passed many accounting exams, I hate accounting, but I am in charge of finances and investments, everything is documented in case I fall under a truck but day-to-day he has no clue - that's fine with me because I've always managed my own money). I'd advise that you figure out your boundaries, what you need in a relationship and what you can let go, and take it from there. Pretty much as you would do in any other serious relationship.
Thank you Sunlight!
Submitted by newby on
My previous relationship of 26 years was with a borderline and I'm thinking ADD has got to be easier!
I really like her....a lot and I hope things move forward in a positive manner. I appreciate the Hope that you have given me.