Hello all, I need some advice on this topic as I'm so heartbroken, sad, and very confused. I was dating this lovely guy for about 5 months who has ADD. I didn't know he even had ADD until 3.5 months into the relationship where he dropped his Ritalin pill on the ground and I asked what it was. We were doing a long distance relationship and things were great. There were some quirks about him that I have now realized where ADD like behavior. For example, he has road rage and drives like he is in a hurry all the time. He tends to get offended easily if he takes what is said to him in the wrong context. He never admits that he is wrong about anything. He told me that during xmas break, he went back home to visit his family and cut his short trip b/c him and his grandma got into an argument and rather than stay there the last night, he lied and said his flight was a day early and decided to stay at a hotel instead b/c he couldn't handle the situation. Well, I went to go visit him for Valentine's day weekend. He had to work both Saturday and Sunday b/c his team had a deadline to meet and work was insane. Prior to Valentine's day weekend, I hardly heard from him. Texts were far and few. I gave him his space as I knew he was stressed out. Valentine's day weekend was fine. I didn't expect anything nor did we do anything. I didn't care. He kept telling me how stressed and exhausted he was and that he's not sleeping well either. The last evening we spend together which was Sunday the day after V-day, we were getting ready for bed and he didn't want to be intimate. I felt rejected and was taken aback b/c he's never rejected me. He simply said he was too tired. I immediately got defensive b/c it felt weird, considering we are doing long distance. My guard went up thinking that maybe he was no longer interested in me. I tried to talk about it with him and that went no where. Unfortunately, I brought up the fact that I never hear from him anymore and that I was feeling neglected. Low and behold did I then realize that he felt attacked by my blaming him. He immediately got defensive himself and we started arguing. He got so mad that he started cursing and yelling at me and we both went to bed upset. The next morning he dropped me off at the airport. The car ride was in silence. He did give me a hug and unfortunately I wasn't very receptive, which I wish I would have been. After he left, I sat at the airport and started googling ADD and relationships. I began to realize that I wasn't understanding him when he said he was tired and stressed and instead was placing my needs before his, thus causing him more stress. It was clear as day that he doesn't do well in stressful environments. Well....needless to say I did reach out to him and apologized for everything and he wasn't that receptive, which I wasn't surprised by any means. He, himself, never apologized for cursing and yelling, but I didn't expect him to. Days would go by and I would text him pretty much every other day to see how he was doing. He would respond short texts most of the time, but never asked me how I was doing. One day, I guess he got irritated with me and told me he didn't have time to text. I left him alone for a few days and reached out to him again. He, again, wasn't being responsive. Finally, I reached out to him asking to talk and he refused to. I then proceeded to ask why and he just basically told me to leave him alone. I told him that I wanted to spend some quality time with him as I wanted to work on repairing our relationship and how I thought it was worth saving. He said he was no longer interested. I didn't get a real reason why he wanted to break up other than he telling me that I consistently ask him if he's seeing some else (I've only asked twice and that was since last time we visited, anytime prior I have never asked.) I told him that we had a fight and it was just a huge misunderstanding. He wouldn't really text back. I asked him if he loved me and he refused to answer the question. He said he wasn't going to answer any "loaded questions." Two days later, I reached out to him again asking to talk and he said "no thank you." He refused to talk about what had happened. I told him that I thought he was being unfair to me and he said he didn't care. The texting ended pretty badly with me asking him if he honestly didn't love me and he said, "not like that anymore." So I ended the texts by kindly thanking him for everything and to take care. He says, "you too." I'm crushed! He was very affectionated and loving up until that last night which I totally took the wrong way. But, why is he so upset and bitter? Is this typical ADD behavior? And if so, if there a chance that maybe he might come to his senses and realize that he made a mistake? I don't understand how he could change his feelings so quickly and want to break up. I keep thinking that he's upset and rather than deal with the issue, he'd rather give up, thus the break up. I'm really heartbroken and even more confused. Any advice. We haven't texted for 5 days now. I doubt he will reach out to me. Should I accept that this is really over, or is there still a chance? Please help!!!!!!!
At Least You Got Closure...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
More or less the same thing happened to me. Only he chose to "ghost me" (abruptly stopped answering all texts/phone calls). No explanation, nothing.
We were 2 weeks away from going on vacation together. He'd been stressed out by taking on several home improvement projects at once. He also gets easily frustrated and stressed, so I suggested he tackle one thing at a time instead of driving himself insane.
His sporadic texting went from missing a few calls/texts here and there (he texted me on his three breaks on the dot, every day from work) to being missing for days. I asked if he had a change of heart or met someone else. He said no, he still loved me, can't wait to see me, can't wait for me to meet his parents.
Last text was "Happy New Years" and then... nothing. Completely vanished. It's been three months and I haven't heard a peep from him. If you read Melissa Orlov's book, there's a section on "hyperfocus" where she says for some ADHDers, their feelings for you can turn on a dime. One day they just wake up and feel... nothing. I'm not sure if that's what happened to either one of us (for me at least there wasn't any major fight that preceded this), but it's a likely culprit.
I keep on holding on to a shred of hope that he'll realize he made a mistake and comes back to his senses too. But I'm losing faith that will happen.
Question for ADHDers: Have any of you done this and realized you made a mistake and tried to go back and fix it?
I just wish mine would at least have had the b...lls to say we were done. It would have still hurt, but at least I wouldn't be in an even more painful limbo.
Have you tried reaching out?
Submitted by tg7188 on
Jenna,
Your story is heartbreaking to hear. How are you coping? Have you tried reaching out to him recently? I know that he's ignored your texts, but would it hurt to try and see if maybe he has a change of heart? I often think that those with ADD/ADHD won't be the first to reach out. Try it and see what happens. I would love to hear the outcome.
Question for ADHDers...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
Question for ADHDers... if you broke up/ghosted someone, would you be open to having them contact you again at some point?
About a week into his disappearance, it became evident that for whatever reason, he did not want to talk to me. He did not know I knew about his ADHD. I had suspected he had it because I dated a previous ex that had it. I asked him point blank on a few occasions and he went out of his way to avoid the question or change the subject.
At that point, I knew there was going to be no vacation anymore. I paid for my own plane ticket and it was non-refundable. I wrote him a letter saying I knew about his ADHD (which he also had depression, which he did admit to that, only because I volunteered that I struggle with it). I told him I still loved him despite knowing this, and that I was hurt he chose to "ghost" me to break up with me. I said I would leave it up to him to decide if he wanted to try to make it work or not.
The hyperfocus aspect makes me question whether or not he ever really loved me, or if it was just the ADHD "high" of "being in love with being in love." I know if its the ADHD, I should not take it personally, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I constantly wonder what could I have done different, what did I do wrong, why did he just flip a switch? But the truth is, I don't even think they know why they do what they do sometimes.
I'm so sorry you're going through the same. I've been reading all I can to understand what happened... in part hoping that I can find a shred of hope that he'll come around.
Do you think its the subject
Submitted by tg7188 on
Do you think its the subject of ADHD that freaked him out? Before the official break-up, my ex was still responding although kinda cold. I told him that I read up on ADD and that I was truelly sorry for being insensitive and placing any blame on him. I think me bringing up the whole ADD as his condition upset him even more bc he wasn't very friendly when I texted him that and basically said, "my condition? It simply means I have trouble focusing sometimes, Jesus!" Anywhoo, I would also like to know if he even loved me at all or was it just the hyper focus? Nevertheless, I'm devastated and wish I understood what's going on. I was planning on reaching out to him in like a month, but think it might be pointless.
He May Be in Denial
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8385-4.html
There is so much more to ADHD than just having trouble focusing. His talking a lot and being a bit scattered was the first thing that caught my attention. Then the hyperfocus, where he was charging full speed ahead with the relationship, saying "I love you" too soon, etc. But then I began to notice he was easily irritated, would go on angry rants over trivial things, started arguments with me... If you notice other symptoms, then he is in denial that what he has is just a lack of focus.
I do believe mine was ashamed of it (as he refused to even discuss it), but I casually mentioned it a few weeks before he disappeared and I got no reaction. He pretended I never said anything. He didn't get mad or upset that I brought it up (at least not to my knowledge).
He pretty much had no friends and all but one relationship was very short term, so I'm guessing something just bothers him and he can't deal. His birthday is coming up in a month and I've been toying with the idea of sending him a card... I want to, but at the same time I know I'll probably just get hurt even more because he probably won't respond.
He probably is in denial. My
Submitted by tg7188 on
He probably is in denial. My ex said "I love you" way too soon. He didn't text me as frequently as a bf should. We rarely talked on the phone. I noticed that he would get stuck on trivial things as well and would often vent to me about people that he didn't like. I asked him one day, "you don't like a lot of people do you?" His answer was that he didn't like incompetent people. My ex seems to hold grudges and can't seem to let things go. Which is why I want to believe that he'll come to his senses once this grudge over our fight is over. However, do you think its possible for them to all of a sudden not love you back? I mean, my ex was very affectionate each and every time we saw each other. I met his family over New Years and during vday weekend he said he wanted to meet mine. I know he has ADD and all, but I find it hard to believe that he can switch his feelings just like that.
I think you should reach out. Would it hurt that bad if you did? It's worth a try!
It sounds like hyperfocus
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I'm sorry this is so long. I started to write out our story, but decided against it. I'm not sure if he reads this board. Let's just say I understand hyperfocus. It hit me extremely hard when it ended so abruptly -- I didn't even realize HOW hard til just recently. I wish I understood it more then -- that it's not just about projects or activities, but people, too. I still don't know if he ever loved me, or if he was just in love with the idea of someone loving him. I don't know if I'll ever know. I have to somehow come to peace with that. There were things about the way he portrayed himself in the beginning that never really panned out later on. It sometimes seems now like he was mirroring parts of me -- in the beginning, we had so much that connected us, but after the hyperfocus ended, though he said (not often) that he loved me, I never really knew why or how. He was never really like some people describe their partner during hyperfocus though -- he didn't give gifts of any kind (money was an issue, but not even a note or a card or a trinket. I have one tangible memento of all our time together); he was rarely, rarely specifically complimentary about things he liked about me as a person, or the way I did things, or any specific good thing in his life because I was a part of it, not even specific physical compliments. He could about other women, though, much easier. I wondered at times if it was because there was no emotional connection with them, and once he had one with me, it felt more risky to be vulnerable and express real feelings. Or maybe it's easier to make excuses and give him the benefit of the doubt than see cold, hard reality, I don't know -- I can't tell anymore.
It was much easier for him to judge and criticize me. His treatment of me said he saw me as damaged and dysfunctional, but then at a time I got very upset and stood up for myself, he said he was sorry I couldn't see how great he thought I was. There's really no way I'd have known. I knew he was hurting, and under a ton of stress in his life and I knew he had multiple health (physical and mental) issues, and I tried my very best to understand and learn, but I didn't do a good enough job. Still, no matter what was going on with him, it didn't excuse treatment that at times was emotionally abusive, especially when he knew I'd dealt with that in my past. He could be very selfish and self-centered. I made all kinds of excuses for all of it, until I couldn't anymore. I hung on to what things were like during that relatively brief hyperfocus, and thought if I just fixed myself, like he told me I needed to, and if I just waited til things got better in his life, like he told me to, then things would get better with us. That was never true. Time and waiting never makes things better. Working on things individually and together and taking chances to try different ways of doing things when you don't like your present life -- that's how things get better. He did it in other areas of his life -- that's partly how I got fooled that things weren't so bad with his ADHD. But when it came to people, that's where it still trips him up. There were times when I was so hurting that I couldn't tell if I was allowing him to give so little because I was truly OK with it and understood why, or was it because I'd fallen back into an old pattern and gotten into another abusive relationship with someone who didn't give a poop about me.
I am still shocked when I think about how, at the end, he was able to turn around and treat me just as harshly as he was treated, even when circumstances weren't the same, even when he was so hurt when it was done to him. I don't even know how to think about our relationship, which went on over a year. Who was he? Who are they when they're in hyperfocus? Is that the 'real them' when they're not held down by ADHD and the shame and poor compensatory skills that grow over the years? Are they mirroring the person they're focused on and that's why we all have such amazing chemistry in the beginning? Is it that once the dopamine rush is gone, it will never, ever be as good? I read what people like Melissa have said about their relationships, and they say it's possible to have a good relationship even after hyperfocus ends. So then I wonder if he had other issues along with ADHD that got in the way, too. There were a lot of times it seemed he did or said things just to be opposite or just to hurt me, for example. The main times he admitted that he wasn't giving me what I needed was in a way that he was a victim and to make me feel guilty about how hard it was for him -- not to say Hey, I know this is the case, and I don't like it anymore than you do, so let's work on it - for both of us! No. No matter what happened to me during our relationship (and there were some major life-threatening things), he never really seemed all that concerned about how I was doing...or about the possibility of losing me. That hurt a lot. A lot.
I find that one part of me wants to find answers. Ironically, the more I do, the more I'm seeing ADHD in my own life. I eventually got Sari Solden's book about women and ADHD, and it's brought me to tears multiple times, recognizing my own life in the pages. I've been battling with my ex for a few years to get our son evaluated, as it's obvious he has some kind of executive function issues, at the very least. My ex hasn't wanted to, because he didn't want it to reflect badly on his genes. He was never diagnosed, but he must see it in himself. He definitely fits what I'm reading here in many ways, too -- I've laughed out loud a couple times lately, coming across posts here that have reminded me of things he did that I'd forgotten all about -- but which drove me bats at the time! I see how ADHD can really F up a person's life if it's not caught early, and all of this has made me more determined than ever to advocate for my son.
I sympathise with all of you here, who also fell in love with ... a mystery. I know I mainly focused on the negative aspects here, but sadly, there were a lot, and I'm still not sure how to see the rest. There were times I felt incredibly happy and hopeful and thankful that we somehow found each other in this world. I fell for him because I saw amazing and wonderful qualities in him. In the end, though, know that you must love and take care of yourself first. Always. It doesn't mean you no longer care about them. I still care about mine, for sure. Though he hurt me to the core and broke my trust more times than I can count, I know he's deeply hurting inside as well, and I caused some of that hurt. I take no delight in that. It still stings that he's probably already moved on to another woman, as he told me he wanted to do. But I do want him to be whole and healthy and happy as possible. As others here have pointed out, we stayed even when they treated us in a manner we didn't like, even when it cost us in numerous ways. Our tasks now are to heal that part of us and try to find our own happiness, whether we choose to continue to stay with our ADHD partners, or not, or whether that choice isn't ours to make.
Thanks for your input AlmaVera
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
It looks like a lot of us are in the same boat... and we wish we could fix whatever the issue is, but it can't be fixed if there's only one party willing to work on it.
I guess I'm dumbfounded at how many of these ADHDers are actually quite isolated and lonely... yet the push away the very people who would give them their world.
More Pursuing = Retreating
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
In Melissa's book, she says the more you pursue an ADHDer, the more they retreat. And like I said, I have no idea if it was real or not at this point... it may have just been his hyperfocus mode.
All I can do is pray and leave it up to God. I know it sounds corny, but I just have to trust that he put people in my path for a reason, and if he's not meant to be in my life, then I guess I just have to accept that. I already poured my heart out in a letter and got absolutely zero response, so I don't know what more I can do.
We agreed early on that even if things don't work out between us, that we'd always remain friends. It hurts to know that he doesn't even want that... and I don't know why.
In our paths, and pursuit
Submitted by AlmaVera on
Jenna, I am trying to believe the same thing. We crossed each other's paths for some reason. As I said in my other post, I know that the pain I've seen him in, and the effect of ADHD on us as individuals and on our relationship has really strengthened my determination to fight my ex and do what is in my power for our child. Maybe that was one of the reasons. To let me know that things get worse the longer we wait.
Maybe it was also to make me research about ADHD in adults, and to see that this is likely something I've dealt with my whole life. In all of the years my ex and I were treated for depression and sleep issues (both of us), anxiety (me), and OCD and anger (him), nobody suggested ADHD for either of us, but now that I'm better educated about it, it explains a lot why things never got for us, no matter what we both tried. I do function better in many ways now that I'm on my own, but again -- some things have remained a problem for me. I think I know why now.
As for pursuit, I remember reading that, too. I think that's true in a lot of troubled relationships, not just when ADHD is involved. Unfortunately, with ADHD it's also kind of a crap shoot. I think it's very possible that 'out of sight' equals 'out of mind,' especially if the person with ADHD has always had a problem finding the things that are meaningful to their partner to also be meaningful to him/her. I did hear, during times of little contact, that his feelings for me hadn't changed, but in any relationship, it takes effort to keep a connection. If the partner with ADHD (or stronger ADHD symptoms) is putting their effort and focus elsewhere, I think it just becomes easier and easier for him or her to 'forget' the other partner, unless or until they feel the need to connect again. Maybe they have news to share or need to vent or need some TLC. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be because they are concerned about us. That hasn't been my experience nor has it been what I've read about much on here.
I think that maybe words like 'friend' and 'love' just mean different things. Mine also expressed sadness that he had no friends. That hurt, as I considered myself his friend, who put a lot of love and tears into caring about him. At other times, he told me I was his best friend, and his sharing with me more than he did anyone else was the way he showed he cared about me (even though he showed little outward interest in my life). I tried to have that be enough, really I did. In the end, he wanted us to eventually be 'friends' again in the future. Maybe it's considered selfish, but I had to say 'no.' I've been through it enough times to know that I will be used, not with malicious intent, but for lack of a better word, carelessly. It will not be give and take any more than it was before. My feelings will not really be considered. I know I have to think about them proactively. I think that lesson is another reason he crossed my path.
I'm sorry he didn't answer you, Jenna. If my advice means anything, try not to write him anymore. Pour your thoughts and feelings out in a journal or on your computer or here, but don't send them. He knows where you are. He knows you care. But continued non-responses will only hurt you more. If he does reach out, be your own friend first and keep that boundary. As Melissa and Gena Pera have also said in their books, having ADHD is not an excuse for someone to be a jerk and treat someone badly.
Im so sorry to hear similar
Submitted by tg7188 on
Im so sorry to hear similar stories. I've been praying daily hoping that God will help save the relationship. I'm so heartbroken that someone so great was taken away from me for a stupid fight. And he really was great. My only issue was that he didn't like to talk on the phone so our communication was mainly via text. As the months went by, the texts were less and less and I began to feel neglected. However, everytime we saw each other he was the same affectionate guy so I assumed the hyperfocus didn't end. I honestly feel that I stressed him out during our fights that he gave up. I think I insulted him to a point of no return. I just wonder if they ever bounce back from getting their feelings hurt or do they typically hold on to grudges? I know we are all hurting and I often wonder why were we put in this situation? I want to believe its bc we are the people that will stand by their side, no matter what and accept them for who they are, flaws and all. Thanks for listening and sharing. I hope we all pull through all this and will once again be happy.
Texting vs Talking
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
I'm not sure the form of communication, texting vs talking, whether it makes a difference or not. I spoke with mine for 2-4 hours on the phone every nite in addition to texting eachother all day long. (How I ever got any work done, I'll never know.)
Once he started multiple renovation projects, the texting/chatting during the day became less frequent, as he had to use that time to communicate with the various handymen working on his home. The evening texting/phone calls remained in tact, so it was like literally a switch flipped and there was nothing.
Whenever we got into spat (usually because of his perceived negativity on a topic), he always snapped back as if nothing happened.
I think SOME people with ADHD are simply unable to handle the slightest conflict or frustration, and instead of dealing with it and moving on, they just run away. They just aren't equipped to deal. I couldn't figure out why something small that would be a 2 on my scale would be an 8 or 9 on his. Their world just implodes. And until he deals with that, acknowledges, that I don't think he'll ever have meaningful friendships or long term relationships and will continue to be lonely.
It's like being an alcoholic and turning it around... some people have to hit rock bottom before they do... and some people will never realize they are there.