I am going to try and keep this short.
I am 58 male and recently become aware that i have adhd. I have an appointment in late April with a psychologist to look at treatment options.
I have become aware of this because I have been in a long distance relationship,with diagnosed ADHD, that has affected in such a deep way, that my emotions have been out of control. TOTALLY.
I was the very happy recipient of hyper focus for 3 months and now it has been withdrawn. yup and after reading I know im not the only one lol. And my course has followed the course of everyone else.
So, even tho his behavior screams disinterest, (eg me always contacting him) His words tell a different story. Although the language has moved from "i love you, i love you, i love you" to "lets be friends with benefits".....which i am perfectly ok with. He still says he wants me as part of his life but wants to pursue another interest and is short of time. He also will not commit to a weekly Skype date.
So, the questions I have are:.
1. Will I be missed if withdraw for a week, as "the no contact rule" recommends. I have been texting him daily and he has said he does not find it a burden.
or
2. should i keep in his mind via text, so i am not forgotten.
and 3' I know he his hyperfocusing on someone else. he has told me. That's cool with me. But how long can i expect that sort of focus to last? Boredom has to settle in sooner or later>lol.
I would be thankful for any add/adhd people that can advise me. Cuase i need help. Becuase now i am hyperfocusing on this and its driving me nuts.
Thanks.
'
Was in very similar situation...
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's not a nice, happy topic. From what I've experienced and what I've been reading, hyperfocus does not come back again to the same person. You'll never be 'shiny' or 'new' again, even if he grows bored with someone else, so that dopamine high won't ever come back the same way. Friends with Benefits is likely to turn into a very one-sided relationship, especially if you still have feelings for him and are going to be faithful to him. The fact that you worried that your texts would be a burden stuck out at me. If he truly cared about you, even as a friend, that should not have even entered the conversation. If you were truly a friend, you wouldn't have to be the only one initiating texts.
You should withdraw to stop the chemicals flowing around in YOUR mind, not to make him miss you. I speak from experience. We think what we feel is only love, too, but we are under the influence of dopamine in the beginning, just like they are. When they change overnight, we chase them to get back the intense feelings. We'll do anything to get it back again. That's not love -- and it shows we have work to do on ourselves. Real love doesn't cause people to discard someone and move on to someone else, leaving that first person to wonder if they'll even be remembered. And healthy people don't get treated like that and hang around trying to get another round of it. They walk away.
Take a break from thinking about this all the time. Do things in your life to distract yourself from him. Hang out with friends. Surround yourself with people who care about you and do want to spend time with you. It will help put this in perspective, believe me. It's harder to do than you think, and it takes time. If it was really love, it will still be there under the surface, and he will want to build something with you. If he is able to forget you that easily, then he's not right for you, ADHD or not. You deserve someone you don't have to wonder about.
open relationships, long distance realtionships and hyperfocus
Submitted by rankin on
I am very thankful for your reply Alma,
When I first read, your reply, the tears streamed down my face. I don't know if you are a partner or have ADHD yourself. But your dead right, i have been trying for two months to remove myself from this situation. But go back like a moth to a flame. But in doing so, have stumbled across some ADD/ADHD forums and have learnt a lot about it and myself.
And what i read confuses me. On one side people say stick with it, understand they lose focus which isn't their fault and try and stay in their attention so they don't forget. Which does sorta work.
And on the other people say forget it, move on and put it behind you. Obviously, short term PAIN for long term gain.
So it leaves me a bit lost...I do think this guy is one in a million and not easily replaced and hey we all have faults. But the line between ADHD and true thoughtlessness is blurry for me. Unless, you are hyper focusing of course.lol.
But thanks again for your response. i have read it 4 times so far.lol
I'm sorry, I know it's painful
Submitted by AlmaVera on
In the case of my reply, I was writing from having been in your position. But as I was researching more about ADHD in adults (about him) and ADHD in kids (about my son), I'm seeing that I do have some ADHD symptoms myself. I have taken an ADHD med for a few years, but my doctor was treating specific problems I've had, like problems concentrating. I am going to get myself evaluated.
"And what i read confuses me. On one side people say stick with it, understand they lose focus which isn't their fault and try and stay in their attention so they don't forget. Which does sorta work."
"I do think this guy is one in a million and not easily replaced and hey we all have faults. But the line between ADHD and true thoughtlessness is blurry for me. "
I totally understand all of this. I felt the same way about the guy I was with. What I'd say to you, based on my experience (which went on over a year) is this: Is your relationship balanced? When you try to stay in his focus, is it because it's all about him? Does he really care how you're doing, what's going on in your life? Is he there for you when you need him, even emotionally (since you're in a LDR)? Yes, we all have faults, but there are some basic things that make up a healthy relationship, and one of the biggest is give and take. I had to finally see that we never really had that. Even when he was somewhat giving, he always got something out of it, too. He, his interests, his problems, his needs, were always most important. When the chips were down, I couldn't count on even a show of concern, much less real support. When I tried to talk to him about it, his response was always to turn it back on me, and try to make me feel guilty. Even to try to make me feel guilty because he felt bad for treating me like crap!
One thing I wish I'd read early on is something Melissa has said in her books and others have said in other books about ADHD in relationships: ADHD symptoms are not an excuse to treat a partner badly. Having ADHD is not the most important thing -- it's how the person deals with it. That would have made a huge difference in how long I let this go on. And believe me, the longer it goes on, the stronger the unhealthy attachment becomes, and the harder it is to break it.
open relationships, long distance realtionships and hyperfocus
Submitted by rankin on
Alma,
You are so right. The thing that really freaks me out about this relationship is that I am nearly 59 and NEVER has some entered or connected in my life so deeply. I now realize that it was "probably" i have never been the focus of hyper focus before, and yes its damn flattering, especially at this age.
But what really confounds me is my own personal roller coaster of emotions, I feel ok for a bit, and then sob like a baby and this has been going on for months. My emotions are totally wacko.
On one side i rationalize this as meaning this relationship is significant and worth fighting for. I have done this in a past relationship and it really was worth fighting for and is still strong. And on the other, i feel as if i should forget the whole thing and grow up. Problem is every bone in my body says preserve, Even my "angles" inner voices say that everything will work out fine...I just wish i could get to a shrink before the end of next month. And get these damn emotions under control. Seriously, bursting into tears at the gym, while doing weights is not a god look. ROFL.
But thanks again for your time and thoughts.. It does help.
and btw after you got on meds, did it improve your life or did you feel sorta zombish?
Zombie on a rollercoaster?
Submitted by AlmaVera on
Hee hee. Yeah, I've had those feelings, too. Like, "anything good is worth fighting for" and asking myself if I'd want someone to leave me due to something I didn't ask for/couldn't prevent. I am a fighter, and I try to treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Unfortunately, though, that makes it sometimes hard to tell reality from wishful thinking. I've put up with a lot of bad treatment in my life in the name of 'being there' for someone while they're having a rough time.
I will say again -- filling your mind and time with things other than your relationship will give you a lot of clarity and calmness because you won't be on the rollercoaster all the time. You'll probably realize how much you like not having your thoughts and emotions taken over by this. That's how I felt when, after a bad fight, I went no contact for 5 weeks. I did see how much calmer I felt when I wasn't waiting for the next shoe to drop, walking on eggshells so I didn't screw up, and having that deep-down feeling that another hurt was just around the corner. I started feeling stronger and better about myself again. It helped me to detach emotionally.
And when we gave it one last try? All of those things came right back again. I could no longer deny that our relationship was having a negative effect on me. :( At the end, I could look at him with more emotional distance, and see just how much things might realistically improve. I knew that no matter how much I fixed myself, it would have only gone so far. The rest was on him. He could say the words about his ADHD not being an excuse, but he wasn't doing anything different to work on his symptoms and they were getting worse. As long as that continued (and he gave no indication that he thought he needed to do anything different), it wouldn't get better -- especially if he could just keep blaming me instead.
A loving relationship will include hard times, but overall, being in love should be a positive experience that leads both people to be better and happier. It started that way with us, but I almost feel like that was with a different person. :(
As far as meds go, I guess I have felt some improvement at work since I started taking them, so we considered them a success. But it took me maybe a couple of years before I connected my meds with the fact that the creativity and passion I used to have for hobbies has nearly disappeared during that time. My time outside of work used to be filled with all kinds of interests, but that has died off to pretty much nothing. The plus side is that I'm no longer buying stuff for new things I'm interested in and spending time researching them, but the down side is that I've lost a big part of who I am, and I miss that. I understand that there are different meds and different ways to take them, and when I see my doctor this week, I plan on asking him about them.
Hang in there!
Just SO much pain.
Submitted by rankin on
Again, thank you Alma.
there is a difference, this guy has been kind and very thoughtful of my feelings and emotions, but not to the point of action. lol.
But after yesterday screaming and crying at the universe, while driving alone and two final unanswered texts, your words "You'll probably realize how much you like not having your thoughts and emotions taken over by this" rang very true and will now be my goal. I cant even write tis reply without crying. this is just madness. And to be honest for the first time in my life i have started to fear for MY sanity.
so, now with your words in mind, i hope to regain my thoughts and emotions, so thanks and give it a break.
On the subject of meds. about 7 years ago i was diagnosed with heart failure. one of the meds, a beta blocker did what u described. Killed my mojo, no interests, no hobbies, no desires for anything, no libido. i am coming off this med and hope to regain my missing mojo. now i am worried that the ADHD meds are going to do the same thing.... what are the things i should mention to the shrink when we meet to avoid, the no interest thing?
and thanks again.
Awww -- *hugs*
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I'm sorry -- I know how hard this is, and how much you're hurting right now. :( It will get better with time. Just don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day. It's never a bad thing to love someone, just so long as you love yourself first. That's been the hardest lesson for me to learn. I suspect that's true for most people. Take care of yourself. Get rest, eat well, don't self-medicate (my drug of choice is food, lol), and exercise. I started taking dance classes at my local studio -- the music helped my mood, and the dancing boosted endorphins and helped work off the extra food. Ha!
I don't have a lot of answers about the meds. I am on an extended-release version of generic Adderall right now, and the problems with 'flat' life started then. Before that, I took plain generic Adderall, and I was supposed to take a pill 3x a day, but I never remembered the 2nd & 3rd pills, so my doc gave me the XR. :p My total dose would have actually been higher if I'd taken all 3 per day, but I never did that, so I can't tell you how that would have affected me, lol. I don't know if I have a problem after work because the med has worn off, or what. That's the only one I've tried, but there are several other drugs out there, and they don't all work the same. I was searching for my own situation, and I found this. It says that not all ADHD drugs are approved for adults, which I found interesting. http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-medical-treatment Edited to add: I realized that with your heart concerns, that might limit the types of drugs you can take for ADHD -- stimulants would be off-limits, I would think. But there are non-stimulant drugs, and other things, too.
Take care, Rankin! It will be brighter days ahead!
Meds and Mojo
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Sometimes people experience low libido and less motivation with ADHD meds, but often it is the opposite. The best way to find out is, wth the advice of your doctor, try them out and see (make sure to talk with your doctor about your heart history...)
Excellent Response
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I want to commend AlmaVera for the well written, and very appropriate advice. It's possible that all you want is friends with benefits, but my guess is that your questions about when will the hyperfocus end give away a desire to be closer than that. Make sure not to fool yourself.