As I've posted before, I work and go to school. It's not graduate school but it is pretty demanding. I started during a period of prolonged unemployment for my husband, figuring that if I had to support him for the rest of my life, I needed a better job.
Well, eventually after about 6 months of ADD meds, he got a job. Now he realizes that to advance in his profession, he needs a graduate degree.
I'd still be in school and I have enough trouble getting him to contribute around the house now. He figures he only needs to help on the weekends, even though we all know dishes need to be washed, etc. every day.
Do you think this is doable, for a person with ADD and one with physical disabilities? Should I drop out so he can go to school? Have any of your ADD mates, or you if you have ADD, handled graduate school while working, without your house falling down around your ears?
My husband and I are both
Submitted by peta on
My husband and I are both grad students. I work 20 hrs per week, he is funded. We have two small children. He has been medicated for some years now for ADD. I wish I could encourage you but I myself come to this forum seeking help. It is doable but *do not* have children until you are both out of school. Perhaps schooling for both is manageable under your current circumstances, but kids on top of things amps up the difficulty a thousand fold.
Thanks for the input
Submitted by Sueann on
I am 55, so having children is not a problem. I have grown children by my first marriage.
He went to an information session last week and found out that in his field, the third year must be full time. I should be done with school and working full-time and able to get insurance that way. He can get insurance through the school, which is very good as his medication is very expensive. It's scary to be expected to work full-time and try to get all the housework done when I myself have physical disabilities.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate the input.
one step at a time
Submitted by arwen on
Sueann, it has been my experience that when someone goes on ADD meds and gets counseling, they often feel, after an initial adjustment period, more in control than they've ever experienced before. This can sometimes seduce them into thinking that therefore they can take on more than they could before. They don't necessarily understand that what may be more important or needed is to invest their time and effort into addressing the problems that still remain, because they often don't perceive that there still are problems, or if they are aware of them, don't see them as being significant or requiring much work. Taking on a new, more challenging role may result in these important issues being shunted aside and never adequately addressed.
That said, yes, I think it *can* be done. My husband and I weren't in your exact situation, but we did take on more at a similar point in his progress. To make it work, I had to become super-uber-disciplined. I created detailed spreadsheet schedules for all family members that still stuns other people who look at it. Everybody had free time except me. It was both tiring and stimulating. But it didn't work particularly well. The results were adequate, but definitely a good deal less than ideal. Of course, I don't know how well it would have worked if we'd taken on less -- it might not have been any better, because I probably wouldn't have felt driven to the ultra-high discipline level.
Your spouse may indeed need a graduate degree to advance, but what's the rush? And leaving his job after a fairly short time may not look so good on his resume. Getting a little more job experience under his belt may be more useful in the long run.
Just some food for thought.
Food for thought-for Arwen
Submitted by Sueann on
I guess the rush is that he's 48. It would take 3 years and then he'd be over 50 when he finishes. He just wants to have the same level of education as his peers.
If he has to leave this job (might be possible to do his internship in another department and stay there) he probably won't do it. He loves his job, loves his co-workers (who have been very supportive in his recent legal troubles) and even loves his clients. (If I had to do his job I'd go crazy but it seems to work for him.)
I am not very organized myself. I'm not sure I could do what you do, it seems so all-consuming. I admire you for it, and for taking so much time to reply to me and the other posters on this board.
for Sueann -- tough row to hoe
Submitted by arwen on
Sueann, you and your spouse are really in a tough spot, I wish I had something useful to offer you! But it sounds like you are doing everything you can with what you are facing.
I understand completely the feeling that one is running out of time to affect one's career, I've been there too. And if your spouse is forced to leave his job because of the driving problem, I can see that it might be a good time to go back to college. I lost my job earlier this year, and even though I'm less than 10 years from final retirement, I've been considering grad school as an option myself, though I'm not sure what kind of impacts it would have on the situation on the homefront -- I figure this is probably my last chance to get a grad degree that might help my work. (Then again, it may already be too late in my case.)
When I was talking about needing to be organized as the non-ADD spouse, I didn't make it clear that although it was pretty all-consuming to start with, once we got into the routines, it wasn't so hard to maintain. I can't really take a lot of credit for being organized, though -- I was raised in a very organized household, my mom makes me look relatively chaotic. It all pretty much just rubbed off on me while I was growing up. I will try to put together a post about some specific organization things I've done that might help you and others.
Please keep us posted on how things go -- hang in there -- my prayers are with you.
Thankyou
Submitted by Ajay on
It's been years since your comment; nevertheless, I want to say how grateful I am for it.
Today I have been feeling the fear of being consumed by the planning, scheduling and reinforcing which goes along with providing my ADD wife with support so she can function better. I'm so relieved to read your comment that it's not so hard to maintain once you get into the routines.
Graduate School
Submitted by Rattiemama on
My husband has ADD and I have a physical disability (Fibromyalgia) and both of us are in school right now. How many credits is your husband planning on taking at once? That makes a big difference. I was also already back in school when hubby finally got on the ball about getting back to grad school. I also thought about leaving school an going back to work when he decided to go back, but with the job market what it is and my diability, we found it made more sense for us both to take this year off work and get government subsidized student-aid.
Hubby is taking 12 credits, which is 3 more than full time. This is so he can finish the program in one year. If we are both full time students and not working we get signifigant grants and financial aid, which is why we are both not working and pushing so hard to be done in a single year. (We are actually getting more in aid/grants than he made working last year.) There are also a lot of scholarships out there for people returning to school after a long absence and older people. (We are only 30, but because we've both been out of school so long we qualified for some and by just writing an essay each got a combined $1800 per semester in scholarship money.)
He has definitely had trouble getting things done around the house, but we have been able to work things out so I pick up a little of the slack when I am able, and he doesn't get offended when I remind him about chores. However I have had to accept a higher level of dissaray around the house and we have had to have more meals on the go because getting to the grocery shopping is more difficult now, especially since we share a car and I have day classes while his are at night. We are starting to iron out the bumps, but it has taken us a good two months to find a routine that is working for us.
I think if he were going part time and working he could manage it, but it would definitely be more stressful. I think doing both work and school full time for someone with ADD is too challenging. At least with the ways hubby is effected. One of the two has to be part time. Graduate school is a lot more work than undergrad. I have been very impressed with hubby's ability to focus and complete his work. I know the new meds are a huge help, but I also know if he had to split focus with a job he probably wouldn't be able to do it.
I guess if you husband doesn't want to leave work all the info about student aid might not be so helpful, but there are options out there and ways to help supplement your income to make it work. Your husband's program is three years, which is a long time to be accepting aid you would have to pay back, but how soon would you be done? It's just something to think about. But know that you will have to adapt to a big change (it helps to aknowledge and discuss that before the change happens) and the house may be coming down around your ears more often, certainly for the first couple of months while you figure out how to make a new routine that works for you.
Good luck! I hope this was any help at all.
Thanks Arwen!
Submitted by Sueann on
I really feel like we have a lot in common. Thanks for taking the time to answer me.
To update the driving situation, I really don't think he's going to lose his job over this, at least not now. His boss knows and has not fired him. The actual speeding ticket is easy to dispose of as he has a clean driving record.
The problem is that the ADD meds are amphetamines and it depends whether we can find witnesses to testlfy that, in the proper dosage, they are not impairing substances. It seems like we are going to have to explain ADD and ADD meds to the judge unless he has it. Hubby works with the mentally ill, and several people on staff have advanced degrees in substance abuse counselling, so that should help. I just hate the idea that, after all the work he's done to try to get better, he could end up going to jail for using the meds that make him able to function.
On a lighter note, while I was interviewing lawyers, I mentioned that I was getting ready to take a test. (I'm a paralegal student.) His ears pricked up, he's been wanting to hire a legal assistant, and he asked me to come interview for the job. Maybe something good will come of this.
ADHD affects persons
Submitted by CRC35 on
ADHD affects persons diagnosed in different ways. My diagnoses was actually confirmed in graduate school. During that time, I was working for the university's library while carrying a heavy academic workload. Interestingly, my ex-wife [spouse at the time] was completing her unpaid graduate practicum during that time. My psychiatrist prescribed an amphetamine, and that did elevate my mood as well as increase my attention. But I always had a strict level of personal discipline, an attribute I believe was necessary to develop before I took on employment while finishing my first Master's. Professionally, I am a Behavioral Cognitive Therapist. I found encouraging clients to engage themselves in a type of rigorous discipline [preferably an activity that yielded a specific, desired reward] helped them focus [while continuing medicinal treatment]. For couples struggling in their marriage, rewards surrounding intimacy or fun couples-type dates serve as great rewards for demonstrated discipline, e.g., part-time employment while attending graduate school, cooking meals, doing chores, taking care of the children's fundamental needs, etc. Try this suggestion and let me know what you think.
There's no one-size-fits-all answer
Submitted by gigs26 on
I thrived in grad school, despite, and perhaps because of, my ADHD. The subject matter was fascinating; classes and deadlines created a strict external schedule; and I found structure in the discipline of my chosen field. In fact I found it far easier, and more stimulating, than the "real world".
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until after I graduated, so I didn't (couldn't) consider my ADHD in deciding to attend grad school. But the mere fact of having ADHD is no reason to hold back. ADHD or not, we ask ourselves the same questions:
What will grad school (or whatever) be like - the easy, the difficult, the annoying, the exciting?
What are my strengths and weaknesses, and how will they affect me?
What are my reasons for going?
What are the benefits of going? The disadvantages?
The answers are different for everyone.
I can't even get him to apply
Submitted by Sueann on
We decided to try to go ahead with his grad school. I've graduated. But he hasn't even filled out the application yet! Or taken. or even made arrangements to take, the GRE. I figure it's a dead issue if he can't even get it together to apply.