My Husband and I employed the services of a counselor, I was adamant that he not counsel my ADD Husband alone as he would be manipulated and not get a clear picture of problems. My Husband likes to present himself in a positive light, and is defensive, and presents me in a negative light. Our marriage was in serious trouble, and I told him if he did this we would fail and end up divorced. Well, this has happened, he met with us twice, fell prey to my husband's manipulations, and I haven't seen him since. My Husband realizes now that it was a mistake and wants me to go with him to his appointment today. He's told me that they're working on teaching him how to get into a routine. My husband is obsessive about his routine, this has NEVER been a problem, he does NOT need help with this and he knows it. He needs help with serious issues such as negative interpretations of everything that is said to him by me & the kids; inaccurate memories of name calling etc.; demanding a divorce; anger issues; etc. His medication has been a miracle, now he needs therapy and he's very receptive to it. He realizes this guy has no experience with Adult diagnosed ADD, coupled with parents who put him down and destroyed his self worth and esteem for years. But we have very limited resources in our area, and this guy advertises as an "expert" in the area of ADHD treatment, and I'd like to take this opportunity to ask him questions in a respectful way that will provide him insight into just how little he knows. I've suspected for 2 months that he didn't want me in the sessions because I know more than he does about this, and I called him on his methods/plans for treatment. Now that I'm facing a divorce, and we're both angry that we're in this situation and don't know if it can be saved, I don't want this man to treat anyone else with the problems my Husband has until he chooses to learn what he needs to know to do it properly. Any help would be appreciated.
Questions for new counselors?
Submitted by Strangebird on 04/02/2015.
Some Things to Consider
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm not an expert by any means on the subject but...I did go through 3 therapist before I arrived at the one I have now who I believe, is the very kind you are wanting to find. He's not an expert on ADHD per se even though he and his son have it too. But before he did couples therapy....his doctorate specialized in anxiety disorders and character disorders and worked for over 10 years with these kinds of patients. The kinds of things that you are describing sound like they would fall more into these categories more than ADHD. What my therapist does best I'd say ....is accurately seeing through anyone's issues and getting right to the heart of the matter. And even if a person tried to manipulate him or charm his/her way past the issue...or try and fool him through being manipulative.... it simply wouldn't work...no way.
I'd look for credentials: past work history experience ( areas of focus) and years of experience too...mine has been at it for over 35 years. I think experience is a good place to start and looking for a Dr. rather than a clinical therapist too. That's been my experience if that's any help.
J
I don't know if this is
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I don't know if this is available to you where you live. I am in an area with a shortage of mental health practitioners, too, but there is a college here with a good library. I have been able to get access to up-to-date texts, handbooks, scholarly journal articles (many online!) that give the newest recommended treatment guidelines. Perhaps you can find some of this info, and point your questions in that area. Ask if he's heard of so-and-so's method, or how does he feel about X kind of therapy in adult ADHD. If he looks at you like a deer in the headlights, that will be pretty clear proof that he's not the person for you, I would think.
AV
After meeting with this guy
Submitted by Strangebird on
After meeting with this guy again, I realize he fell for every manipulation and lie that my Husband feeds every counselor we see. He finds a way to end up alone with these people, he charms them, manipulates them, and by the time I get back there they think I'm the crazy one. Fortunately for me my son's Dr. (key, DOCTOR, psychologist,) had contacted him and told him she was seriously concerned for my son and for me, so in the end he realizes he's been manipulated and lied to. Unfortunately, he wasted a ton of our money and our time and now he says that counseling can be successful without me in the room to call him on his lies and "misperceptions". And it's just too late, his credibility is shot, and when I asked him several questions about ADD and why he believes adults can't be diagnosed if they're not diagnosed as children, etc. he didn't have a single solid answer. And when he told us what we would be working on in the next session, it was more of the generic BS marriage counseling that we don't need. We need a psychologist well versed in helping someone learn to retrain their brain to hear reality, remember reality, and not make it up in their head. I feel quite hopeless. I can't educate these people, I'm a lawyer, not a psychologist, I need help!
Wow...That Sounds Extemely Frustrating
Submitted by kellyj on
Especially his comments about diagnosing someone with ADHD as an adult. That "misperception" or "misinterpreting and reading things into to your comments or behaviors and coming up with the wrong conclusion thing is also exasperating. If this is any help.....my wife also does this with me (now to a lesser degree) but it has also been a real source of conflict for us....simply getting on the same page!!! And with her.....I now understand this better and can see the direct connection to her mother and the trauma she experienced as a child from a lot of neglectful behavior on her mother's part.....saying, there's definitely a connection. Has to do with inherent fear of not getting needs met and non trust stemming from that.
I will say that my therapist did meet with my ex wife and I separately when we first started to see him (our first meetings with him)...but I suspect that was to get a feel for us and give us the opportunity to speak freely without the other one in the room. But the net effect was not with him siding with anyone after this happened. He simply doesn't ever do that.
The things you've described sound hauntingly familiar to a couple of the therapists that my ex and I saw previously and that only made me more frustrated and didn't seem to help us at all. Based on that alone...I'd say to look elsewhere if you still have it in you. If this is any consolation.....I almost gave up on therapy or counseling altogether just before I found my current therapist who... as I already said has been a life saver for me. I think this is not uncommon but I would have regretted it if I hadn't continued to search for a better one or a better fit.
A second thought without getting too far down the road with this......there are some issues (coming from my own therapist here)....that are better off not running into head on with that person at first depending on the person......saying, there might be a reason that this therapist is doing what he's doing without telling you exactly why that is. Just another possibility but that taking sides thing.....that does sound suspect?
Why don't you go see him by yourself and ask him? I'd be apt to do that and see what he say's? If he can't talk to you in a way that makes sense then I'd be more apt to continue to look elsewhere if you haven't already done that yet.
J