I have been in and out of therapy for most of my life for a variety of issues that I could never seem to put a finger on. I stumbled across this site and Melissa's book as my relationship to my fiance continues to decline. I resonated with so much of what I have read thus far and am convinced that I have ADHD and it is negatively affecting my relationship. I plan to discuss this with my therapist in our next meeting, but when I brought this up to my fiance, she was skeptical that all it provides is validation and nothing else. In part, I feel a diagnosis gives me something to rally my efforts to improve around and find additional support resources (e.g., books, support community, medication, etc.) to help me in my treatment journey. Additionally, these resources will help me keep a pulse on "reality" so I avoid getting so defensive and I can better listen and communicate with her as well as understand a situation that I am confused about.
Has anyone else encountered this resistance to a diagnosis? How has your diagnosis helped beyond just validation? Right now, my fiance is skeptical that a diagnosis will help anything.
Learning Curve
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
I've been in two relationships with an ADHDer and it wasn't until after the second one ended that I learned that ADHD was very different from what I thought it was. Like most people, I assumed that just meant you're somewhat more animated and/or scattered in thinking than some people. We grew up hearing a lot of parents blame ADHD for their kid's poor behavior, so that is partly why the perception of using it as a scapegoat persists.
Until she learns what it actually is, and all that it encompasses, she will not be accepting or accomodating to your situation. Whether it is providing her with reading material or having her accompany you to a therapist to help explain what it is, and what your treatment options are, just know that even if she chooses not to cooperate/participate, you should still move forward in trying to get better.
If you spend some time perusing some of these posts, you'll notice that a majority of the venting and frustration here is from ADHDers refusing to acknowledge their ADHD, much less get treatment for it. You are way ahead of the game because you are owning it and being proactive in trying to do something about it.
Validation? Sort of.
Submitted by jthall on
Brandon, that was exactly the reaction I received as well. I knew that I had attention and memory issues (not to mention organizational problems, and nonstop fidgeting) for my whole life, so when I finally was diagnosed with ADHD, it was actually a relief. I finally knew it wasn't just that I was an airhead or something. But my partner only sees it as another excuse to add to my arsenal of excuses for why I don't listen to her, why I don't prioritize things right, why I don't finish things, etc. Worse, her cousin, a teacher, also thinks ADHD is just an excuse the medical community has put on children to excuse bad behavior. My primary doctor doesn't think I need medication, my partner doesn't think therapy will do me any good, that I have to figure it out on my own.
I came to this site to see what options are out there and what's helped others. I can't afford counseling, but I'm hoping to find some more affordable options. For the time being I try to self manage with note-taking, reminders on my phone, lists, and just really really trying to concentrate. It's very frustrating.
BrandonADHD,
Submitted by adhdkanga on
BrandonADHD,
You may very well have ADHD but only a professional can diagnose you, many people do get self diagnosis off the internet wrong.
Your best off to see an expert/ psychiatrist that specialized in ADHD.
If you do ADHD and are diagnosed, medication often is very, very effective.
best wishes.
Is your fiancee's concern....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is her concern that you'll just use ADHD as a hall pass for "bad behavior"? Is she concerned that she'll have to just "put up with stuff" because you have ADHD? Is she concerned that you won't "get better"?
It sounds like you want to become more "self aware" and that's what she should want. An ADHD person who is not self-aware (and is in denial) can be the most difficult person to live with.
ADHD is not like being blind. A blind person can't become "more self aware" and therefore be able to see. Self-awareness isn't a cure for ADHD, but it can certainly relieve many symptoms and make the person easier to live with.
for instance, the ADHD person who is chronically late paying bills, can become aware of it and set up auto-payments. The ADHD person who is chronically late to everything can make a decision to add 30 minutes to his "morning routine" to allow for life's hiccups, traffic, needing to get gas, etc.
Your fiancee may just be worried that you're going to fall back on a label.
Self-Awareness is Def a Problem
Submitted by BrandonADHD on
HI Overwhelmedwife,
There is a concern that it is a hall pass for bad behavior, which is not what I want a diagnosis to mean. I want to work on strategies to help me. As an independent person, I have unconsciously discovered many strategies that work for me for things like paying the bills, remembering to do things (to-do lists), etc.
But where I fail (the most) is in the partnership in which I must be more self-aware, a hard concept for me to grasp. She is a person with a lot of emotional IQ and is very emotional these days for legitimate reasons. She lost her father at a young age and her older brother died (a key member of the family dynamic) a little over a year ago.
In a way, she is so frustrated that I can't be there for her and participate well in conversations. Her patience for me getting better is almost gone.
I have been seeing a therapist for a while, but never one that specializes in ADHD, including the shame and guilt that comes with it. Seeing an ADHD therapist feels like giving up on one aspect of therapy to pursue another path that may or may not be useful.
Are you the ADHD person or the partner of one?
--Brandon
Hi Brandon
Submitted by kellyj on
I think pursuing as many sources for you to understand how ADHD impact others cannot do anything but help you. Doing this myself has only brought to light more of what I didn't now before. Getting diagnosed is just the beginning and finding strategies for managing symptoms is understandably a good place to start but is only the first step in the things you are trying to find out about being a better partner.
I took this excerpt from a recent comment that was expressed very well and one I think would be really good advise for you to think about when considering any further steps outside of your relationship. I think both things are what you need to be focusing on.
"Why did you (women) marry (us) in the first place?" My first thought is generally that the question would more profitably be asked of the actual woman this man married. That question, asked sincerely, might open up a dialog that is specific, that matters, that might, if asked in sincerity and with an open heart, even lead to understanding and healing and progress. Really, take a risk and ask her. Look into her eyes. Talk to her. And if you'd instead rather ask strangers, perhaps because they will give you more sympathy, think on that."
J
I am the partner of one....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Once my H started accepting that he has ADHD, OCD, a personality disorder, depression, and anxiety, things slowly began to make a difference...but this was after decades of him thinking that there was nothing wrong with him.