So, I thought I would start this due to the similarities that a lot of us share...the FEAR of the UNKNOWN.... it doesn't matter what side of the spectrum of the relationship your on but I've noticed that most of the time, fear of the unknown causes more harm that anything....if the fear paralysis you to stay in an unhappy and or unhealthy relationship.
I know this is a site for ADHD support but as we all know: ADHD is typically coupled with some other form of MI and it's hard to distinguish whats doing what.
I'm saying all this as I sit in my X BF's house as we speak. A house that I once called my home (10 days ago). He broke up with me about a month ago and I moved out soon after. The devastation hit me hard. And yes, my ADHD played a huge role in the equation but so did many of his own behaviors. We had been so distant from one another for sooo long. He pushed me away and my behaviors lead him to his withdrawal from me and everyone else. He had isolated himself and it was damaging. I didn't realize how my ADHD behaviors effected our relationship at the time...I hadn't been diagnosed yet. I see it now. As hard as it is for me to take my responsibility for the suffering that I caused but I have to do so!! I don't want to feel as if years of my life was wasted nor do I want to replay this in the future.
As I've mentioned, we were grieving the lost of our son....so, I thought he just needed space so, I gave it to him. The last few months, I would ask him 3/4 x a week if we could talk or suggested doing some shared activity. He always refused and pushed me away. Over and over it played out...I thought: I"m giving him space while he's getting more and more frustrated, anger and resentful of me. Miscommunication. Or lack there of. .... there are many many lessons learned here.
I've always had long term relationships...9yrs, 6yrs, 5 yrs. I know how it feels to feel as if you've wasted your time....and stay in hopes it will work it self out and patiently waiting and waiting or trying and trying while the other does nothing to contribute. I also know how it feels to stay in the relationship years more than needed due to the fear of the unknown. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how important it is to believe in myself...be it strength, intellect, skills, abilities and so on. I had always focused on the relationship to define my worth when all along...it was me that I needed to 'fix' - not only the relationship.
Fear is not always a bad thing. It tells us to be careful...your intuition is telling you something might harm you...so, avoid it. But when we use fear or when fear uses us in a way that is debilitating...its exactly that. I know it's much easier for me to say all this...because He broke up with Me and gave me no choice but to conquer my fear of the uninknown. It has to be much harder to be on the other side. It takes guts, confidence, acceptance of reality and self worth. All I can say is: now, I am single (for the first time EVER), living alone, and looking for job. 10 days ago, just the thought of all of that scared me straight to xanax! But now, it's bearable and I feel stronger and see my future in a new light. For the first time in my life, I am focusing only on me...what do I want to do w MY life? Who am I? and what are the qualities that I'm looking for in a relationship? .... At what point could I say: that behavior is not acceptable to my standards, therefore, this relationship will not work out (from the beginning) ??!! That last sentence is vital! I need to have self worth to say that.
I'm done (trying to be) blaming and criticizing myself for everything and thinking if only I had done this ....or even sometimes the opposite and saying it's His fault. A relationship requires more than 1. The responsibility falls on both parties.
I still have no idea what my future holds, but sitting here in His house is less painful now than it was the last time and I need to focus on that - the NOW. Present moment ... moving forward. Not reliving the past over and over wishing for a different outcome. That time has come and gone but was not wasted because those experiences have made me who I am today and the lessons learned can only help me in my UNKNOWN future. I need not fear it. ... but....accept it with grace and move forward believing in myself and the process of my journey.
The Only Thing You Have to Fear is Fear Itself
Submitted by kellyj on
That may sound overly simplistic but there is a universal truth here.....fear of the future comes from not being there yet. I find when I lay in bed at night and think about what I have to do the next day or in the future....I think of all the things that might go wrong.....and it always has the worst possible conclusion in everything. When I wake up the next morning that fear is gone. And when I'm there actually doing that thing I know exactly what to do and what not to do so the worst thing never happens. I didn't need to be afraid at all when I was laying there trying to sleep because once I was actually there....there was nothing to be afraid of.
But I would have never known this either if I hadn't tried the very thing I was afraid of the night before. This I can say happens to me 100% of the time and has never not been true. If that were the case...I wouldn't be here right now writing this to you now.
J